Guilt

[Guest Vivian]

I am new to this website and am not entirely sure about how it works (I never go into chat rooms or anything like that) but felt compelled to write. My husband passed away a few months ago having been bedridden for over a year, diagnosed with a terminal illness. Although I knew the end would come, nothing really prepared me for it. When people tell me that I must be relieved that it's all over they're wrong; I would go back to a year ago and take my husband that way if I could. We were married for 23 years and he was my love, my best friend, my soul mate. I am crying as I write this.

What hurts nearly as much as the loss are the feelings of guilt that I have. Did I do all that I could for him? Did he know how much I loved him. I told him but did he know. He didn't speak with me about the inevitable though he spoke with others (apparently he didn't want to say 'goodbye to his wife') I respected his wishes then but now I feel guilty about not pouring out my heart. I feel guilty amd angry and in so much pain, it's ironic that to my friends I seem to be 'doing so well'. Vivian

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I wanted to reply to Vivian and let you know I, too, just lost my Larry in November and have experienced similar feelings. We expected him to get a transplant, so the fact that he died was a shock and still is. He was very ill but we would never let ourselves go there. We spoke of what dreams we had and how much fun we were planning when he felt better. I think back to those last few days, I suspect he was beginning to know he was not going to survive but he could not tell myself or his family. I feel horrible that he may have felt he would upset us too much but maybe he was not able to say those words to us. My heart is so broken. He knew I loved him and prayed for our lives to continue together. I know you are hurting and this site is full of people who's hearts are hurting but welcome you here and grieve with you for your loss. Deborah

[Guest Guest]

I was fortunate to have a friend in whom he confided. She told me that he wasn't afraid for himself, only that he had left me unprepared to cope. I wish I had known then that he felt like that so that I could have thanked him for our lives together and so that I could have assured him that I could probably cope with just about anything after this, my biggest loss. Someone suggested to me that perhaps Rick was able to confide in others and not me was that I was his greatest love and also his reality check. That if he spoke these feelings with me the reality would have been too much for either of us to bear. I am trying to comfort myself by the thought that during our years together there was never a question of how we felt. My heart goes out to you Debrah; I imagine that like me, the numbness is beginning to wear off. Vivian

[Bebekat]

Hi Vivian,

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This is the perfect place to come and let your feelings out. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I miss him so. I too, never went to chat rooms or anything like that. In fact it took me 6 months just to find this site and write. You are never prepared for it. I recently finished reading “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. I highly recommend it, if not now, maybe later when you can think clearer. This is from her book:

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death.…. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place…. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”

She wrote this book during the year following her husband’s sudden death. I felt that she was able to put so well to paper, her feelings; some of my feelings. My husband was mentally there until the morning he died. When I saw him that morning, I told him that I wasn’t ready. Of course, he had made his peace, and was ready to go. I was the selfish one I wanted more time. He was kind enough to wait until his brother came over and I stepped out to the store for a minute.

I think we all wonder if there was more we could have done. People that have not experienced it cannot understand what we go through. We are all here to try and help each other find peace with our grief. Another excellent book is "Healing After Loss", by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I find it helps me get through my day.

[Guest Guest]

Hi Vivian,

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. This is the perfect place to come and let your feelings out. I lost my husband 10 months ago and I miss him so. I too, never went to chat rooms or anything like that. In fact it took me 6 months just to find this site and write. You are never prepared for it. I recently finished reading “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. I highly recommend it, if not now, maybe later when you can think clearer. This is from her book:

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death.…. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place…. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.”

She wrote this book during the year following her husband’s sudden death. I felt that she was able to put so well to paper, her feelings; some of my feelings. My husband was mentally there until the morning he died. When I saw him that morning, I told him that I wasn’t ready. Of course, he had made his peace, and was ready to go. I was the selfish one I wanted more time. He was kind enough to wait until his brother came over and I stepped out to the store for a minute.

I think we all wonder if there was more we could have done. People that have not experienced it cannot understand what we go through. We are all here to try and help each other find peace with our grief. Another excellent book is "Healing After Loss", by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I find it helps me get through my day.

[Guest Guest_Vivian_*]

Bebecat: Thank you, I have begun reading Didion's book; you're right, she expresses the feeling very well. I wss given another book called 'Good Grief' The person who gave it to me was unsure how I'd feel about it because although it is poignant, its humor is dark. Yet this book made me cry and laugh (yes laugh!) out loud because I could so identify with it. It's written by Lolly Winston and I highly recommend it for those who need to read something with which they can relate. Vivian

[Bebekat]

Thanks, I'll add that one to my list.

[Dusky]

Vivian, Deborah and Bebekat,

I have been reading with interest the discussion unfolding with each of you. Those of you who know me - know that I am seldom at a loss for words and this will probably turn out to be one of those replies.

Vivian – I appreciated your opening comments about the loss of a spouse and how so often those who are trying to console us tell about the loss of a parent. As you indicated the loss of a spouse “changes your every day life”. I was at a party just last night when someone made reference to the loss of a parent – in an effort to relay some sense of comfort to me. My reply was to provide a rather pointed response - what I said was this:

I have two elderly parents – both 84 years old and in good – great health. I love these two people so very very much – they have been the best parent any son could ever want to have. I would however have been able to accept and move forward from the death of either of my dear parents - in comparison to the loss of my soul mate and partner – Jack. The loss of the person you live your every day existence with, is much more traumatic than the loss of elderly parents – or not so elderly parents – who you do not share the intimacy of your everyday activities. A crushing loss - yes – but not the same as the loss of a husband, wife – or in my case partner. As you say “it is a feeling one cannot know unless one has walked in our shoes”.

As for the guilt issue – I faced this in a slightly different realm than you speak about. I can certainly relate to your questions about … “Did I do all I could for him?…and …Did he know how much I loved him?…and…I told him but did he know?” Although I felt I poured my heart out at times - I still feel that I could have done even more. I believe that no matter what extent you express yourself under these circumstances it leaves you feeling a sense of inadequacy. One thing I have learned from many of the books I have read is that – You did the best you could given the circumstances and emotions that you were dealing with at the time. I “beat myself up” following Jacks death because there were times that I was not always as caring and thoughtful when I had to take care of all the bathroom duties I was presented with. Time and again I found myself apologizing to this sweet man because I had not been as patient as I could have been. He was blind – and terminally ill – and slowly losing control of his left side – the cancer was taking over – I was watching him slowly leave me inch my inch – I was an emotional and physical wreck. Since Jacks death I have learned to forgive myself – and to understand that Jack would have been the first one to have forgiven me for any of my perceived shortcomings. Guilt about any issue with your loved one – can eat you up in side – and must be confronted – and resolved – to make your way through the process. The bottom line is I knew he loved me and he know I loved him. I think each of us truly loved our mate – and each of our mates loved us – whether it was specifically stated or not. Deep in the core of your heart – where your loved one still exists – we all have the power to reach that core – and whisper, “I love you” – right now.

I have found that writing letter to your loved one is very cathartic – and one way to deal with any feelings of guilt. I have written 12 letters to Jack to date. Different subject matters each of them. One of them was on the subject of Guilt. I would highly recommend it. It allows you to talk so closely talk with your loved one – it has been a very healthy exercise for me. There is also a book entitle “The Grief Recovery Handbook” by John James and Frank Henry. It is a great workbook where the reader does exercises and walks you through your lifetime to establish how you have dealt with grief in your life - and helps you handle your current loss. In the end you do a letter to you lost love. I would suggest everyone on this grief site take the time and effort to find this book and work their way through it. It has helped me deal with being able to state – through a letter - many things to my Jack - that I never had a chance to adequately express. This is a good book.

Many of the books I have read also deal with the subject of Forgiveness – I have had to learn to forgive myself and provide this same forgiveness to others. There are some of the books that I have read that will bring you to tears - as you allow yourself to be part of the healing process of forgiveness.

Bebekat – Thank you so much for the reference to the book by Joan Didion – The year of Magical Thinking – I will put that on my list of books to purchase. The passage you quoted is so very true. I loved the description of what happens in the months that follow the funeral “….the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments, during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself”. I have reached beyond the 6 month anniversary of Jacks death – and I am well on my way to slowly losing connection with so many friends that simply cannot bear or do not understand the devastation of this type of grief. So many just want it to “be over with” or expect that it have a “certain time frame”. Reality is that it will never “be over”. Although I know I am on the right path to slowly incorporate the loss of the most important person in my life – most people just do not “get it”. I am slowly attracted to those old friends and family that do “get it” and can understand - plus a new group of friends that have been formed since the death of Jack. Grief rewrites your address book for you – I am seeing it happen first hand.

Deborah – You are “oh so right” – this web site is full of people who truly understand and know the hurt and pain caused by the loss of your spouse (partner) and is here to help with that loss. One thing that helps me so much is to be able to reach out to others and share stories – express feelings and assist in any way I can.

With that being said – I would like to provide you all the list of books I have read to date – in the hope that it will provide some comfort and direction. Reading has been one of the tasks that have helped me tremendously. Writing has been the other thing that has helped me. So here is the list of books I have read. If anyone has any questions I would be glad to try to recall the specifics about any particular reading. Please know how much I care about each and every one of you. I feel your pain – that pain is mine.

Grief Bibliography

1. Surviving the death of your Spouse = Livinson

2. Care giving * - McLead

3. Grief’s Outrages Journey -Caplan

4. Life after Loss - Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul- Canfiled/Hanson

6. Wherever you go – There you are * - Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow * - Levine

8. Surviving Grief and learning to Live again * - Sanders

9. The Mourning Handbook - Fitzgerald

10. Healing your grieving heart - Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons * - Kubler-Ross/Kesler

12. How to go on living when someone you love dies * - Rando

13. A year to live * - Levine

14. Letting go with love * - Connor

15. The dying time * - Furman/McNabb

16. Companion through the darkness * - Ericsson

17. Don’t let death ruin your life * - Brooke

18. A time to grieve * = Staudacher

19. Too soon old too late smart * - Livingston

20. The art of Forgiveness, Lovingness and Peace * - Kornfield

21. Grieving mindfully * - Kumar

22. When your Spouse dies - Curry

23. Five good Minutes - Millstine

24. Healing After Loss * - Hickman

25. The Power of NOW * - Tolle

26. Gay Widowers – life after the death of a partner * - Michael Shernoff

27. A Journey through Grief - Alla Bozarth

28. When Bad things happen to Good people - Harold S. Kushner

29.The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John W. James & Frank Cherry

30. Ambiguous Loss * - Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present * - Spencer Johnson

32. Life after Loss * - Raymond Moody &Dianne Arcangel

33. Writings to heal the Heart * - Susan Zimmerman

34. The Grief Recovery Handbook * - John James & Frank Cherry

35. When Bad things Happen to Good People * - Harold Kushner

36. Stillness Speaks (have not read yet) - Eckhart Tolle

37. In Lieu of Flowers (In process of reading) - Nancy Cobb

Peace and love to you all,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Bebekat]

Thanks for the list Dusky. Reading also helps me. You an angel.