Still Painful

[Guest BETHRICHBOURG]

Well it had been one year since I lost my Son, friend and reason for living.

I madde it through the holidays. I did not decorate, cook, buy gifts or put up a tree. I went out of town and tried to forget Christmas. I didn't work but I could not stay home and celebrate. I don't feel like I will ever want to celebrate anything again.

Thomas would have been 21 on the 2nd of March. I should have been buying gifts for him, not putting flowers on his grave! He died on March 6, 2005 which was my birthday.

I do not see things getting better. I read alot of books on grief and some seem to help. But I do not think this pain will ever end.

My heart is so heavy and broken into pieces. I do not see it healing, EVER. He was my whole life and I miss him terribly. I don't know why I thought the one year anniversary would bring some healing, It did NOT.

If I could do one thing to help mankind, it would be that I would be the LAST PARENT to feel this pain, that no other child would be lost, no other parent would feel dead inside. I wish I could give that gift! My heart and prayers are with all the parents who have lost a child. It is something that can never be understood by anyone but US.

Please keep me in your prayers as I pray for all us who are in this nightmare. I pray for peace and comfort for us all.

God Bless each of you!

Beth

[Guest Shell Louise]

Dear Beth,

Do not know how you feel, as I don't even have children, tons of children in our family. Just thought your gift for everyone else was so very thoughful, with all your going thru. Having lost a lot of people in my life, and watching my mom lose so many children over the years. I did see my mom's pain and watching her go thru her heart breaking, was so very hard. I had to be strong for my mom, as she was the one that lost her children and me my brothers, and sis. Not even close to same for me as it was for her or you. Really just wanted to say that is so very giving of you to wish to give that to everyone else.

I will keep you in my prayers, may God be with you.

Shell Louise

[angel588]

I am so sorry for your loss..I understand every thing you said..this is gut wrenching...I have anxiety attacks now..pace...the whole gamut..yes..this is a nightmare...I can't believe the rest of our lives being like this..everything is such an effort and hassle...wish I could just lay down and die...when then alarm goes off and my feet hit the floor..all I can say is god...how do I get thru another day of hell..even keeping busy doesn't work...it NEVER leaves me...I want and miss my son so...it is a nightmare..bless you...bless all of us...angel 588 (forgot to log in)

[Guest Mary Beth]

Beth, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son's best friend passed away in Feb. at 17. It's so hard watching his parents go through this terrible nightmare. I lost my 47 year old brother last June and this brings back all the pain I feel for my parents and the loss of my brother. You are so correct, I cannot feel your pain, but watching the pain of a parent loosing there child, I cannot even imagine. And my pain for my losses is still so great. My parents faith has helped them with my brothers death, and my son's friends parents have faith as well. What I have learned from death is that we need to celebrate the life of the child that passed. We cannot question Gods will. He needs them for a reason. We will all be reunited again, believe you will see your son again. What is your son's name? I will pray for you Beth that you find confirmation with your son's passing and that you will continue to celebrate the time God gave him too you. Mary Beth

[Guest BETH RICHBOURG]

Beth, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son's best friend passed away in Feb. at 17. It's so hard watching his parents go through this terrible nightmare. I lost my 47 year old brother last June and this brings back all the pain I feel for my parents and the loss of my brother. You are so correct, I cannot feel your pain, but watching the pain of a parent loosing there child, I cannot even imagine. And my pain for my losses is still so great. My parents faith has helped them with my brothers death, and my son's friends parents have faith as well. What I have learned from death is that we need to celebrate the life of the child that passed. We cannot question Gods will. He needs them for a reason. We will all be reunited again, believe you will see your son again. What is your son's name? I will pray for you Beth that you find confirmation with your son's passing and that you will continue to celebrate the time God gave him too you. Mary Beth

[Guest BETHRICHBOURG]

Dear Mary Beth & others who replied,

Thank you so much for your kind words. My wonderful childs name was Thomas. I do thank God everyday for the time I had with him. It just wasn't long enough for me! I am trying to live each day like Thomas would have wanted. He LIVED everyday! I sometime wonder if he did not know that he would not be here long. He was so full of life. He was a champion for the underdog. If he was you friend, you were blessed. He could not and would not see anyone mistreated or talked about. That of course, kept him in hot water alot of the time, but He fought for what he believed in! He was loved by those who knew him and admired those whose lives he touched. HE was a blessing for me and the rest of our family. I will try to live my life in a way that will make him proud. I am so proud and blessed to have been chosen to be his MOMS! Thanks for the forum. MAy God Bless and keep you all close!

Beth

[CharsMum]

Dear Beth:

I lost my daugher in February 05 and I understand exactly what you've written. I don't know how we move forward - or is it that life just moves onward and we're 'stuck' somewhere between faith and disbelief? Truly, it's only my faith that gets me through these horrid days. Insomnia is my biggest enemy and nothing I do helps. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs ~ CharsMum

[16angel]

It has been 2 1/2 years since my 19yr old son was killed...and everything you wrote was as if I had written it. Life has become so hard and I am walking along side of you. I am not in your exact shoes, but am in a pair pretty close to yours....maybe mine have laces and your have buckles, but they are very similar shoes. My heart breaks everytime I hear of another mom grieving over the death of her child. Why are we having to go through this? I ask myself that everyday...why did this have to happen! I miss my son so much it hurts...it never gets better, we just learn to cope better...I still cry so much, I just dont cry in front of people anymore...I cry myself to sleep at nite, cry in the shower, cry in my car...it never stops. I guess I just want to tell you, you are not alone although it feels like it. I spend alot of time alone because it is easier...I dont have to pretend to be happy in front of people when I am alone. I just want to tell you how trully sorry I am that you and all the other moms are having to go through this nightmare that never seems to end. God Bless you and know that our babies our with us forever.....garrett's mom forever

[Mattsmom]

I know how you are feeling. I lost my son three months ago. When you said your son was the champion of the underdog and lived life to its fullest, it sounds like my son. I was accused of spoiling and giving in to my son's outburst. But I had someone tell me this, he may have only lived 11 years but I loved him enough for many life times and he lived more than people who lived 80 years. He was so full of life always on the go, snowboarding, skating, jumping etc. but he was known to always be the one to help the special kids at school, he could be a smart mouth but he was kind and thoughtful to those who needed it. I understand your pain. I personally don't think it ever goes away. I hope you are in counceling. I think it does help if you have the right person. I also suggest prayer. I will say a prayer for you and all the other mom's who know our pain. God Bless~ Jill