NickyA

My Toby – I buried you in haste Beside my self in tears and grief Bereft when you were missing Broken when you were returned Lifeless and damaged I’m sorry I never took time to stroke you again I never left you to sleep on your chair in the lounge for one last time I never smoothed your fur Or removed the leaves And felt your silky softness I never said good bye I never let the boys say goodbye Drowning in the rain of pain The darkness of mud and despair As agony made me dig And fear made me bury you too soon The tears of grief The agony of your endless presence That I will never see again. I brought you home But you are not here I miss you. I brought him straight home from the vets and never let the boys say good bye properly either - apparantly they said between themselves that it was too soon but they never said anything to me.... I just thought it had to be done and there was only me to do it.I just want to hold him again.... and i can't. I was so distraut I wasn't thinking straight.....He was my cat, my friend, always there the way no one else was.... asleep on my bed, demanding treats from only me and the shock and pain of his being killed is indescribable.

No you are not the only one that feels like this after such a long time - Like you I have done the courses, been to councelling, groups taken the pills, but they are just a bit of plaster over the pain - help to cover it up but its still there deep down .......... I went crazy to start with but have learnt to live with what is, by burying it in my head, living on the surface as far as the world is concerned and just existing - I don't want friends - like you I've let them drift, and don't want to make the effort of new ones...... I know how you feel ........ try to take good care of yourself - and even that is sooo hard when you don't want to do anything...... Hugs NickyA

That is lovely, inspite of or may be because of, your pain. I've been there too and I've found that the habit of functioning as you have to, just keeps you going. Its a long road and I will never be the same again after my loss. Please know you are not alone and I hope you have good friends to be by your side and lots of hugs when you cry........... Be gentle with yourself, With Love Nicky A

That is lovely - Its over a year since I lost the man I love too There are, may be, a few hours at a time when he is not at the front of my mind but still everything I do is coloured by the memories. You have expressed that so well - I hope you won't mind if I print it out and keep it with my other memories. We just have to keep on and let time do the rest...................... Nicky A

I so agree that grief is grief, what ever causes it, and the phases one has to go through are probably much the same........ tho I expect each one of us experiences it slightly differently. My grief is the loss of my soul mate and I can agree that real death would have been easier than knowing he is still here and that I have no contact with him at all. The pain has been unbearable at times................ Related to that was also the loss of my marriage and my home.........and only time has helped me to come to terms with what happened. Again there is no formal ending - just an ongoing nothingness which you have to just live with. With death it is more public and the rest of the world knows what has happened, but with divorce and other living losses it is very hard to cope with when the outside world are less understanding........... So so complicated............. We are lucky to have this forum where you all understand............... Friends who are true friends are the best , but few and far between........ Love and Hugs to all of you and keep true to yourself NickyA

You have endured so very much....... and writing it all down must have caused you many tears. Oh I know how that is....... The love you have for your Mom and Mama will go on and you are strong enough to know that their love will help you get through this. It is so sad to hear your family are split, but I'm sure it is only for the moment and things will change. Look after your self and please get medical help if you cannot do it on your own. You would have a crutch for a broken leg so why not pills for somthing broken inside you...... I have and I know I couldn't have kept life going for my children without them. I know its only for a while, until I get strong again. I know you will too...... find your love and comfort where ever you can ........ love and hugs too from NickyA

Thank you. The Native Americans had so much wisdom we have lost. I'll put it up on my notice board for inspiration, for my family as well as me. Thank you. Nicky A

I was so sad to read your story and I really feel for you. You have gone through so much, your strength will help you and I hope all the people around you are helping too. Keep care of yourself and I'm thinking of you at this oh so difficult time. Love and Hugs NickyA

Hello and everything you say seems to be mirrored in my feelings and situation . This grief business is very strange and the emotions so unpredictable and so life feels so precarious. I think what you say about your friend is a male thing too - they have to learn about the gray scale so please don't take it too personnaly but keep going. The most frustrating thing is wanting it to be allright yet it can't be for time and events have overtaken everything and changed it forever. That and as you say - not knowing - I've found that to be absolutely dreadful in these times of non communication for me, just not knowing how he is, what he thinks - i could go on and on for i suppose knowing would bring me a consolation of sorts and I'm not going to get that. Your friendship has a chance to mend - don't loose that -- i'm sure you are doing all you can not to -- but even that can be wrong too. Why are relationships SOOO difficult???? I sometimes think I did things wrong in my situation but I'll never know what or when and I know I mustn't think like that. Funnilly enough it's now 12 weeks for me too and absolutely no contact, nothing, an emptyness I didn't believe I could feel. My tears do not stop and there is a feeling that nothing I do is real. I just started working again and I feel so detatched from reality as if it is all a dream and that if I go on long enough I'll wake up and be happy again with him. I'm only doing 4 hrs for 4 days a week in a shop and it is so strange being in an environment where no one knows ME. It's just a distraction yet everyone says its good for me. Time Hell Time Where does it go How can it be so long - so long ago already? How does one cope with anniversaries? It's a special one for us next week and its causing me pain already..... Keep on keeping on. I'm thinking of you too N

Hello Bev I have just read your first posting and you have had so much to deal with over the past few years I'm not at all surprised you are finally finding life difficult. You are now facing up to issues and that is very brave too. May be keeping busy was your minds way of blocking the grief as you were not able to cope with it at the time As you know from my posting on the other board I am feeling the same grief as you in that he is not dead, just not with me any more. I felt my lover was my soul mate too and the grief is devastating. I have kept busy with my 4 children over the years too though I have not lost my parents yet, I never grieved properly for my Grandad or cousin who died recently and I'm sure that is a factor in my depression too. Its bad enough explaining depression and grief to someone english but it must have felt so frustrating attempting to get him to understand. I 've sometimes found it very difficult to get empathy from anyone who has no experience of these kinds of emotions. I think is has been doubly hard for you too as you have been nursing those you loved and that must make it so painful. Big Hug I'm glad you have managed to maintain contact with your friend and that you can still find some hope for your future friendship. I hope you'll let us know what's happened there. Look after yourself and make sure you put yourself first more - though I know how hard that is with demanding family. I guess writing on this is a 'self' thing which is good. Love 'n' hugs Nicky A PS I'm in England too and am 47

hello and Hugs you are hurting so much but you are so brave to be able to write about what you are going through I do hope your mom and you are able to talk about this - I guess you must both be in this horrible place together, and that you can tell her about your terrors. I have a 13 year old son who doesn't talk and he is getting in to trouble at school because of it. His dad and I split up and I've been going through a really tough time too and its really difficult. Keep talking and asking for help. There's no magic cure but your own strength will help you. I'm sure you are afraid for your grandparents because of their age and what happened, and afraid for yourself too as the loss of your uncle is just too big for you to understand. Can you tell your grandparents of your fears? I don't know much about night terrors as my boys haven't had them but I do know bad dreams always seem less bad when told to someone else so may be you could try. I know you can all help each other and love each other too. I'm thinking of you and really feel for you having to deal with this and also having to witness the agony your family are going through too. Crying is good for you too!! I don't know if any of this will help at all - but keep on writing. NickyA

Thank you bev As you say, it is one day at a time each day is different and I never know what I'm going to feel like or if I'm going to be able to cope. I've never done this sort of writing on the computer before so it is all new to me. I've read some of the boards but my brain doesn't seem to take things in at the moment so apologies I haven't been back to see what you're going through yet but I will. Big hug to you too The real ones tend to be in short supply. My youngest son (11) is the most affectionate of mine and he is wonderful. (I just dread him hitting puberty!) I have three cats too and they can be very affectionate and stroking them is a real tonic. I find the emotional lonliness very hard, especially when the boys are here doing their own thing (Ihave 4 sons) and I just want him back to be with me. Funnily enough I usually cope better on the weekends they go to their Dad's and I can be totally on my own. I seem to spend a lot of time in my head in my own memories too - is that normal? I'm just not in reality at all - its too painful. Keep on keeping on .... it's all we can do at the moment Nicky A

Then the salt rain came When the light Was taken away. Leaving blackness Darker than it has ever been No pin prick of hope Flashed across the horizon No colour in the flowers That shared their beauty in a world that Had stopped turning No words could explain Or actions help To take away the pain An agony of spirit soul so hurt, Damaged, a mind deranged Nothing can reach the bottomless depth Of emptiness within Changed forever, never mending A broken shell adrift in the arid desert That is called life A false parody of living that has lost All meaning All direction and All purpose. ©NickyAdcock030903

Over three years ago I met and fell in love with a man who has been the centre of my life ever since. I have never felt anything more 'meant' or anything more powerful both physically and spiritually. We were both married. I left my husband and family after six months as I could not stand the duplicity, but he never left his home. I n brief after nearly three years and several upsets, he finally decided that he could not tolerate his wife 'getting at him' and he left her (she only knew about us relatively recently). It lasted two nights as she and his two children pulled out all the emotional stops and he went home and I have been totally abandoned. I am now on the highest dose of antidepressents, have no motivation and a child who is in trouble, because I fell apart. The grief and desolation I feel is all consuming and all I want is him back. I also find I am now missing my husband, although the separation was amicable, and over two years ago, we were married for 23 years. He now has a new girlfriend. I lost a lovely family home and although I have my children, with them visiting their father every other weekend, I cannot feel as if my house is a home. I have been unable to help my son and he is going to court soon. This feels like the last straw and a a punishment for me which does not fit the crime. I only fell in love. I feel very isolated as my friends have got tired of my unhappy outlook and I have very few people I feel I can still talk too as all this happened months ago. I feel that no one takes the loss of a relationship like this seriously and everyone expects me to just forget him and move on to someone else. I think my feelings deserve more respect than that and the only person who seems to realise how serious it is is my mum and one single friend. This man is now totally out of my life and to all intense and purposes he could be dead but there is nothing to take the place of all the rituals and allowed grief that death has. I would love to be able to join in the human race again but I know that I have to get there in my own time. Meanwhile I am living in a black and white world of going through the motions and I would like to hear from any one out there who has had a similar experience and any tips on how to cope with the hell I am experiencing. NickyA