Kathy61

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that can give you comfort. At least not now. You have to greive and grieving is so hard, but grieving is part of the healing process. I remember it sucking the breath right out of me. There is a huge hole in your heart right now and in everyone in your family. Sometimes I would cry like a baby and other times I would get so angry that I would lash out at everyone around me. It has been two and a half years since my mom passed and it took time, but now I can at least live my life again and not feel like I am walking through a tunnel. You will never stop missing her or longing to see her again. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my mom, sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. I was close to my mother too. I saw or talked to her every day. I took her to her medical appointments and to the store and often to visit her friends. She was my best friend. She was my biggest fan. She was always so proud of all of my accomplishments. She could encourage me when I was down and she could scold me when I needed it even as an adult. Right now you probably feel lost. It's feels so strange not having a mother with me anymore. I remember reading somewhere that someone said it's like being an adult orphan. I can tell you that even though you cannot see her, she will be with you from time to time. I do feel my mother with me at times and its a comfort. The best thing that you can do for you is to cry when you need to, be angry when you need to. Let your family do whatever you need done. Let them comfort you when you need it. They want and need to be part of this. Don't try to shut up your emotions or shut your family out. This is a hard time for everyone involved. You will get through this although it doesn't seem possible right now, let yourself grieve and it will pull you to the other side. I remember saying, actually in this forum, that I wanted to get to the point that I could look at pictures of her again and be able to smile or laugh and not cry. Most of the time I can do that now, but it took time and it will for you too. Be good to yourself and do what you need to do to get through this.

Yes, I think so too.

I too send my prayers for strength through this season. This is so difficult for many people who have lost loved ones. I lost my mother Aug 2008. I can tell you that Christmas will never be the same, but you do learn to move on and eventually enjoy Christmas again. I lost my dad in 1997. Almost 14 years ago and I still miss him especially this time of year. The first Christmas after I lost mom was extremely difficult for me. I didn't do anything. No shopping, no baking, no cooking, no merry christmas to anyone. I didn't want Christmas music played and I only went through the motions because of my children and grandchild. But, I can write from experience and tell you that it will get easier. There will be a time when you can smile over old memories of Christmas's past. It takes a time to get here and I would lie if I said that I still don't hurt and sometime I still cry because I miss them so much, but I can now find joy in Christmas again. I pray that everyone hurting have family to help them through this time. If it weren't for the love and support of my family I am not sure I would have made it.

Addictions are horrible. To me its a slow death. It completely takes over everything in thier life. My step daughter is an addict. We have only heard from her a few times in the last 5 years. We tried to be there for her, but after awhile it breaks the entire family down and you get to a point that you have to let them go. I have seen my husband a grown man sob! You pray and hope that somehow they manage to get free. I know she has slept in the streets, I know she has sold her body for her next high. She has hepatitis and I have no doubt that she has AIDS. I pray that she will get arrested, at least she will be clean for a while and maybe someone can reach her. We love her and she will always be welcome at home clean. At the back of our thoughts whether we want to admit it or not, we anticipate getting that call. I held my best friend shaking and screaming as they turned off life support on her son who overdosed. My cousin lost her son on mother's day because he overdosed. This is such an epidemic in our nation. I fear for my teenage son. I fear for anyone's child. I hate what it is doing to families. It has touched in some way or another everyone. I wish there were more effort from our government to stop this stuff from getting into our country. I wish there was as much awareness as there is for cancer. We race for the cure for cancer which is wonderful, but were is the attention on this monster? Although we haven't "offically" lost her yet, I know what you have gone through. If I can offer anything to you it would be to tell you that she is free now. Please don't feel shame or guilt. You have done what you could. You have no control over what she did and you couldn't have changed her anymore then you can change the color of the sky. I have talked to addicts ( we visited a rehab center) to find out why they continue to do this. Do you know what they tell me.. They pray to stop. They don't want to do this, but they can't stop. Some even pray for death, not that they want to leave thier families and people they love, but because they want peace. She has peace now. I don't know if this has helped or hurt. But I do want you to know that you are in my prayers. I hope that someday you get comfort in knowing that she is free.

Mom has been gone since Aug 2008. She didn't have a lot of money so every year she would make us something. She loved to make patchwork quilts and did so until the last year or so before she died. Two weeks ago I was going through a box and came across a patchwork pillow she had started but never finished. (She had everything done but stuffing it and closing.) My granddaughter and I stuffed the pillow and I closed it. It was like she was giving me another gift. The back of the patchwork pillow was a solid blue color like sky blue which matches the color in my guest room. ( I painted the room that color this summer.) It was almost like she knew in advance that I would find this undone pillow and it would perfectly match the room. I have been through that box several time but I do not remember ever seeing that before. Maybe I couldn't handle seeing it before now, or maybe it was just meant for this time??? Either way, I look at it as a final gift from mom.

I haven't been here in a while. Christmas was mom's favorite time of year. She loved to decorate and make pies, cookies and candy and the house always smelled so good. We (my brother and I and families) always came home for Chritmas the weekend before. There was love and laughter and children playing up in mom's attic. Each year the house seemed to get smaller and smaller as more babies were born and more were added to our family. And of course mom would invite some of her friends over too. There was so much happiness. We had our family Christmas at my oldest brother's last Saturday, as we have the last three years. I love being with everyone again and its a nice time, but it will never be the same as it was at home with mom & dad. The first Christmas after mom died I was in shock. Thank God my husband and children took over. I was walking around like a zombie. My husband did all of the Christmas shopping that year. ( I am usually the one who does this, he usually buys for me only.) My children put up and decorated the tree. My daughter fixed Christmas dinner. At the time I just wanted to get through it. I refused to listen to Christmas music. But I needed to have Christmas. My children and grandchildren's lives don't end because my mother's did. Last year was a little easier. I was a little more involved but I didn't have the Christmas spirit. Again, I really just wanted to get through it. This year, although I miss mom and dad, I am looking forward to Christmas. I have grandchildren and I want them to experience what I experienced as a child. My 4 year old granddaughter and I made Christmas cookies together yesterday. I felt mom with us. I know if she were here she would have been right there making cookies with us. We also made candy last weekend before going to my brother's. I let her help me decorate the tree. My grandson is 20 months old and although he had fun opening presents last year, I am especially excited about both of them opening their gifts Christmas this year. Mom lives on through me, through my children and as I pass along our holiday traditions, she lives on through my grandchildren. This is the best way I can keep her alive. She would so want it to be this way. I am not sure what I would do if I didn't have family, but I really like the post of the person adopting seniors. We all hear about people adopting children or families for Christmas, but we never hear of adopting seniors. Some senior's don't have family or thier families are not with them. They would enjoy someone thinking of them at Christmas too. That is a great idea!

I was in the Military when my father died and I was several states away. I could not be with him when he died and I had so much guilt over this. A few months later I had a dream. In the dream I was in the hospital room with dad. I knew he was dying. He sat up in bed gave me a big hug and said that he loved me. I told him I loved him too. He told me that everything was going to be ok, and it was ok for me to let him go. As you mentioned when I woke up there was so much peace. He let me say good bye and I needed that for closure. Although I missed him and still do, I was able to heal from that point. With my mom, I was there when she died and I experienced the horrible death of cancer. (I am not sure which is worse, the unexpected death or the lengthy and gut wrenching dying process.) I was pretty much mom's caretaker for the last two months since I am the only daughter. I have three brothers. It was like a reversal of roles. I didn't dream of her for about 6 months. When I did I was a child again, and she was young and beautiful. I could see her but she couldn't come to me, but I could feel her protection. It was like I had to stand on my own now without her. I knew she wouldn't let anything happen to me. I could feel the love from her. She didn't say anything, just gave me a big smile that let me know that I was safe. I think after the last two months of her life I needed a mother again and that is what she came to me as, my loving and protecting mother. Both dreams helped me to heal and move on. I miss both of them every day. There is not a day that I don't think of them, but I can now remember the good times. I can laugh over things they use to do, and smile when I remember them and not cry. It takes a while to get here, and I still cry from time to time especially this time of year. I think that is why I came back to this site.

I haven't posted in a while. I guess I could say I am doing better but there are times where the tears just start and I can't seem to stop them, and they take me by surprise. Mom died Aug 2008. Last Christmas was a blur. My husband did all the shopping and wrapping and my daughter did most of the cooking. I was just functioning and I think I was still in the shock phase. Well this Christmas I did do the shopping and the holiday baking and kept busy with our church, but the ache of missing her was constantly in my heart. As much as I tried to push it down the sadness and emptyness kept pushing back harder. We always had a family get together at mom's around Christmas each year. This year my oldest brother had it at his house. I was doing good until we passed mom's house. I lost it. Ghosts of memories past flooded my mind. As we went past that house I could see mom greeting all of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren as we all came through the door. The house would be so crouded that there was never enough places to sit. And each year one or two more babies would be added to our family. Several complained that the family is just getting to large for the house and we should rent a hall or church, but mom wouldn't have it. Some would grab their dish and find a spot on the floor. I could hear the screams and laughter of the kids running upstairs to grandma's attic to play. My brother's and I would end up in the kitchen doing the finishing touches for the meal. This was mom's day. She had all of us at one time and you could see the joy and happiness radiating from her. After dinner mom would sit in her chair and we would all gather around while she opened up her gifts from all of us. My brother's and I would either all come together to get her a large gift or it would be like we were competing to get her the best gift. Mom was the glue that kept us all together. This year at my brother's there were 8 of my nieces and nephews and their families that didn't show up and I suspect that each year it will get less and less. I guess not only do I morn the loss of my mom, but I also morn the loss of these very special days that we all shared. I think this will have been my hardest Christmas. I know that I will always miss her. I still miss my dad and it has been almost 13 years since we lost him. I also know from the experience of losing dad, that each year will get a little easier, but the loss of dad is still felt every year. I will always have those special memories, that while precious, will be a constant reminder of my loss.

Thanks everyone. Marty, that link was exactly what I needed. I accept this as a sign and what a special gift it was. Two things that connected. 1) She loved to email and send email cards or special links all the time. My other family members use to complain that she sent too many and they didn't open half of them. I did because I knew mom always was thinking of me. So this email was something that she would enjoy doing. 2) I felt peace. I wasn't anxious or upset. I didn't cry. I just felt peace. I do take it as a gift from God. He gave me a moment of contact with my mom again. Kathy

I have a verizon blackberry and receive my email on this as well as my computer(same account). Last night I received an email from my mom who has been gone for over a year now. At first I got ticked thinking someone had stolen her email address and was spamming. I was going to give them a piece of my mind. I went to my computer and checked my email but it wasn't there. (same account) I checked my phone again and it was there plain as day. I checked my account on the computer nothing there. I opened it up on my phone and found that it was sent Jul 27, 2006. So it was from her, just at a different time. Sort of like the twilight zone.. It is the wierdest thing. I am not sure if this was a sign that she was near. I have never had this happen to me before. I am not upset about it, actually my first thought when I saw it was mom emailed me..and I was happy, then reality hit again and I thought no can't be she died. That is when I thought someone else was using her account somehow. Now I just feel happy (peace) to get this little touch from her. Anyone have signs like this? Or is this a sign? Am I making to much of this? I have had dreams but nothing outside of dreams.

Last year it was my mom, today my sweet kitty of 15 years had to be put to sleep. I already miss him. We have had him longer then any animal. He was such a people cat. He loved to snuggle on our lap at night when we were watching TV. He always liked to be around us. He was especially attached to my husband and I know that it was/is hard on my husband. Before he took him to the vet he placed a towel on our bed and laid him down with us this morning. We petted and told him how much we loved him and laid with him until it was time to go to the vet. My husband and daughter took him. I am still on the grief rollercoster from my mom's death so my husband insisted that I stay home. When my husband returned we buried him behind the flower garden in the back yard. Then my husband went riding on his bike and was gone for about 4 hours. I know that he needed to just get away. I remember when we got him. My daughter of 10 and a friend found a stray moma cat with about 4 kittens. The found homes for the other kittens but not him, so my daughter tried to sneek him in by hiding him under her coat and brought him in the house. Like we wouldn't see him. I insisted no but my husband said lets let her keep him. I am so glad that we did. He really was a unique cat. When she married and moved out he stayed with us. We are all upset, but we were more upset seeing how miserable he was and his pittyful looks at us begging us to put him out of his misery. After 15 years I just can't imagine not having him around. RIP White Sox, I will miss you!

I hope you had a nice time at Disney land. It's nice just to get away and spend a little time on yourself. It looks like somehow the links are already posted. I really hope this helps. Take care, Kathy

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 1 year ago. As Michelle mentioned writing a letter is a good release. I keep a journal, but my journal entries are letter's to mom. It helps me to still feel connected. Don't be too hard on yourself. I think we all feel guilt for one reason or another. I think that is part of the process. You were with him at the most important time. You couldn't have given him a better gift. You found a great site for help. I come here at times just to release some of my grief and I aways get wonderful encouragement. Take care of yourself. Kathy

Deb, I think another thing that might help you is to find some books on near death experiences. When my father died I had to know for sure if there was an existence beyond this life. I knew that the bible talked about heaven but at that time my faith was shaken and I needed more tangible evidence. I began to search out what happens to life after death and read many books. Most of them share common experiences. When they leave their body they usually float above and can see everything and hear everything. They also say that there is absolutely no pain or any discomfort at all. Many relate that they feel free of the restrictions that the body held on them. Another general shared experience is that they travel through this tunnel and at the end is a bright light. The light they say is filled with such love and peace. Another common experience is that they normally meet someone they love who has passed on before them. Sometimes they come before the tunnel and sometimes they meet you after you emerge from the tunnel. All of them talk about the beauty of heaven. It is beyond words. There are many books about this. I particularly enjoyed the book Embraced By the Light by Betty Eadie. It helped to give me peace when my father died and I read it again after my mother died. Another great author is Dr. Raymond L Moody. He has done a lot of research in this area. I have read one of his books. Life after Life I am not sure if I am allowed to post a link, but if you would like I could PM you the link to Dr. Moody's site. I just found it reasuring knowing the love, peace and beauty of the new life they are experiencing. The pain of my loss is still there, but I have peace in my mind about their continued existence. Kathy

I felt the same way you do. My mom died a year ago the 25th. The first few months the grief was excruciating. I would cry myself to sleep every night and wake up crying. I felt so lost and alone. I couldn't imagine a life without my mom. She was the strength of our family. I don't remember what I did from day to day for the first six months. I was like a zombie. I couldn't function and thank God I have a great husband who took care of everything for me. He even did our Christmas shopping last year. (He never shops.) Like you, my father had died many years before. I remember the grief being strong, but I had to channel it because I had to be there for mom and I had small children at home that needed my strength. It's funny how things turn around. When my father died my daughter was 13 and my son 3. They had a hard time with his death and I had to be there to support them through it. Move forward to now, my daughter and son have been such strength for me through this. I don't know if you ever lose the pain of their loss. There is still a empty spot in my heart from the loss of my dad. And a huge hole in my heart from the loss of mom. But I think you learn to take baby steps and just learn to take it day by day. One thing that my counselor said is allow yourself to cry when you need to. I did about a week ago. The hard cry, you know when you cry outloud and your whole body shakes. I am far from healed, but I do have good days now. I sought help from a professional counselor and I was refered to a mental health professional because I was in deep depression. I am on medication which had helped immensly and will probably be able to ween off of it soon. One thing that my counselor suggested and I started doing was journaling. My journal entries are actually letters to my mom. It's a way of taking what is inside, the pain, and releasing it on paper. Some people do poems some express their day to day experiences. This has helped me as well. I tell her what I am feeling in the letter to her or I tell her what I have been doing or events that she would have enjoyed being a part of. I then ask God to pass it on to her. Maybe she sees them maybe not, but for my own healing process I have to believe that she does. I have told my husband that I have to go before him because I can't handle grief very well. He said how do you think I am going to handle it if I lose you? The point is that we all have to deal with this in our lives and we do get through it. I don't think that there is anything more difficult to deal with then the death of someone we love. I have been through problems with my children, health problems, marital problems, financial problems and non of these even come close to the stress and pain of the death of someone we love. You came to a great place. It's a great place of release. Sometimes when I am feeling bad I get on here and say what I am feeling. I always get such caring responses and everyone has either felt the same way I feel or is experiencing it themselves and this helps me to feel that I am not so alone in this dark place called grief. I just want to clarify something, Not everyone has to go on anti-depressive medication. Don't think that if you go to a counselor they will put you on medication. I did because I was mom's care taker for the last three months of her life and was with her constantly. I watched as her body deterioated and she became weaker and weaker and the pain she endured. I held it together for her but when she died I think I went through something like a breakdown. It all caught up with me. You will get through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Kathy

I know that there are other religions and other beliefs even other view within the Christian faith, but I take peace from two different scriptures: 2 Corinthians 5:8 Paul says that to be absent in body is to be with Christ. To me this is immediately. Luke 23: 43 Jesus is talking to the thief on the other cross. He said " This day you will be with me in paradise." this tells me also that it is immediate. I just believe that she is. Also, a few months after my mom died I had a cousin who had a brain tumor. Just before he died he saw my mom. She sat on his bed and told him that it was ok, and that there is such a wonderful place he is going to. She wanted him to go with her. He told his wife about this. He said it was so nice to see Aunt Jean again. His wife said no Roger, Aunt Jean wasn't here. He said yes she was she sat at the foot of my bed and we had a nice conversation about heaven. What is really ironic is that because he was so sick for the last six months that they did not tell him that my mom had died. So he had no idea that she was already gone. When Debbie (his wife) told me this I was absolutely convienced that she had gone to heaven. I don't think we get signs. Some do but not all. I think that they do visit us in our dreams. I hope this helps. Kathy

Thanks Carla Dee. I really liked the Stephan Hoeller quote. I got through the 25th better then I thought. But a few days before I had a really good cry so maybe that helped. I think for me, the first six months I was in shock. I actually do not remember much of the fall and winter last year. I briefly have a few memories of Christmas, but not much. I think I was walking around like a zombie. I am not sure why I was in shock because I knew this was going to happen. I think no matter how prepared you think you are you really aren't. I went through the anger at myself some but more so at the doctor's. I was and am still upset with her Oncologist. I know it was mom's choice, but at the age of 78 she should have never been talked into chemo. I think the chemo did worse then the cancer itself. She was miserable and most of the pain and discomfort was the side effects of the chemo. When we first discussed the chemo I told her that I would support whatever decision she made. I wish at that time I would have talked her out of it, but as they say hind site is 20/20 and I can't go back and undo what was done. I went to the grave site, but I just feel so disconnected there. I think I am closer just talking to her wherever I may be. I just feel that the grave just holds her body but her spirit and soul (who she really was) are in heaven so when I go out to the grave I don't feel anything. Anyway, I do love this place.

On the 25th it will be 1 year since mom passed away. This month has been horrible. It's like all the pain is back again, like it never left. It probably didn't I just tried to hide it or something. I don't know. I keep having flash backs, and the dreams... I just miss her sooooo much. I miss our times together, our talks. My brother came to my house on Monday, we had lunch. He says there's a buyer for mom's house. This too causes some pain. I know that we can't leave it empty and I won't go back in as I want to remember it the way it was not an empty shell, but it will always be the family home. Now it will belong to someone else. The good thing is that it's a young family with a small child. I know that mom would have wanted it to go to a young family. She and dad raised the four of us in this house. Now there will be new life in it again. We briefly mentioned mom and I could see the pain in his eyes too. I know he has had to go inside the house several times with the realtor. It must be very difficult for him so the sell for him will be a relief. When we hugged goodbye he held on to me a little longer then usual. I don't know if he sensed my pain or if he was feeling the same thing. I just want to get to the point that I can remember the good times without the pain of her absence. When memories will no longer bring the tears. When I can think of her and smile instead of ache. When this hole in my heart won't seem so large. From the outside everyone thinks I'm doing just fine but inside I feel like I'm breaking apart. I tell myself that I should be past this now it's been a year. Why am I going through this again? I really thought I was doing great but I've been slapped back into reality. I guess I just needed to vent. This has always been a great place to release. Thank you.

Charolette, I know how you feel as I watched my mother die from leukemia. She had the chronic type for 8 years, but after starting chemo last June it did the opposite and she developed Acute Leukemia and died within 2 months. I watched my mother for 8 years deal with this disease and every time she would get sick I often wondered if this was it. Last year it was. Like you, my mother was my rock. She was always there for me and after my father's death 12 years ago we became more then just mother/daughter, but close friends. I took her to her medical appointments then we'de always go out for lunch. I saw her almost daily and we talked on the phone daily and sometimes more then once a day. The first three months after her death I was in shock. I could not imagine a world without my mother. I would say that you NEVER get over it, you just learn to take it day by day. My mom will be gone a year next month. I miss her so much. After she died I did a few really strange things like call her phone number just to hear her voice in the recording before her phone was disconnected. I have a saved voice mail message on my phone of when she called me last year. It's not much but I hear her telling me she loves me and that's enough. It will stay on my phone for as long as I can keep it. I use to call her a 21st century mama because she had a computer and loved to send emails. I kept a few of her emails and have one hanging on my wall in my office. I found an empty writing pad last year after she died and I wrote journal letters to her. I don't know if anything like this will help, but you have to do whatever you need to do to make you better.

Thank you. We had cake and ice cream. I know that I will not do this every year but it just seemed the right thing to do.

I agree with you. I will always miss my parents. I lost my mom last August and I miss her terribly, but I lost my dad 12 years ago and I still miss him too.

I haven't posted in a while. I guess in some ways I am doing a great job of dealing with my grief but it still comes in waves and when I least expect it. Yesterday was her birthday. I celebrated it for her and although I thought I would have a hard time, I didn't. I asked God to tell her Happy Birthday for me and I think I was ok after that. The first year anniversary of her death will be next month. I think that date will be hard for me. In my mind I keep saying last year this was happening or last year that was happening with her, last year mom and I went to... It was a way of still keeping her with me in spirit. I have dreams from time to time mostly of her sick and I am unable to help her or I can't get to her. Maybe this is still some delayed guilt, but I shouldn't have guilt because I know I did everything that I could especially those last few months. I had one dream where she was young, maybe in her late 30's. The way she looked when I was a young child. She looked at me with such maternal loving eyes and I just wanted to go to her like a child runs to their mom for safety, but I couldn't seem to get there. People would stop me to talk to me and interrupt me but I kept trying to reach her I was getting angry at the people stopping me and began pushing them away, then I knew that she couldn't come to me. I just stood there and looked at her. I wanted so desperately to tell her that I loved her. She smiled at me with a look of acceptance and such love. I woke up and felt a mixture of sadness and happiness all day. Anyway, I just wanted to express my self a little and since I can't say it to her I will say it here. Happy Birthday Mom. I miss and love you. I want to share my mom with everyone. Hopefully I have attached the picture correctly.

This day was worse then Christmas. It hit really hard today. I took flowers out to her grave and it hit me as hard as it did last August when she died. I remember having her last Mother's Day. I remember what we did where we went. We went to Golden Corral because every resturant had a minimum of a 1 hour wait. She loved going there anyway. I remember her going for that second piece of carrot cake and her telling me how she shouldn't. She loved carrot cake so much. If only I had known that that would be the last Mother's Day I would spend with her. I miss her so much! At church the Pastor spoke about the Proverbs 31 woman. Mom was so much like that. King Solomon must have known my mom! Thanks for listening.

Yes, it is bittersweet. I know that she was with us. I could feel her and dad. Everyday I think he looks more and more like my father, but then again, I look like dad and my daughter looks like me and he looks like my daughter.... It just sometimes makes me miss her more. Family was so important to her and she has 9 grandchildren and now 22 great grandchildren. Her house was adorned with all the pictures of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. At her death in August we had one vase of 22 roses for each great grandchild. Just before her death we had found out about this pregnancy so when my family went together to order flowers at her death I said we wanted 21 long stem roses and my brothers all said no it's 22. Mom would count this new baby. I thought that was so special and I know that she would have. It was odd this time. Normally I would have called mom to tell her about the birth and she would have called my brothers. This time I called each one. Like a link was missing. Anyway, holding Hayden helps to close off some of that emptyness. Thank you for you kind comments.

My grandson was born yesterday. I am so happy yet the first person who I would have shared this with (my mom) is gone. This is the first grandchild that she has not seen. The urge to call mom was so strong yesterday. I just wish she could have enjoyed this day with us. Maybe she was??? He favors my dad which makes it even more difficult because that is the first thing she would have said. Anyway, he is beautiful and I am so happy yet the grief has hit very hard today.