Fredzgirl

I haven't hit that first yet but I'm sure it's a very difficult time. Feel the love of this group around you. As I've come to find out, this is where you find the people who really know how you are feeling.

Thank you all for understanding. I haven't been very kind with myself and I'm going to try and do better. Before I give anything else away, I'm going to think. I find I am more concerned for others than for myself. I hear so many people say that I'm "so strong". Well, I'm not.

Fred's sons flew in on Friday and out on Saturday. It was a quick trip but full one. It was a month to the day of Fred's passing. We went through a lot of his things and shared stories. We each had our turn with tears. I really wasn't so ready to let them take any of Fred's things but they don't live close so I didn't tell them that I wasn't ready. They were very kind to me and empathetic. Most of what they took were things that had been stored away. There is a shirt in the closet with the sleeves rolled up. Fred must have just worn it for a couple of hours and rehung it. I put that shirt off limits. When I said goodbye and dropped them off at the airport, I started to cry and sobbed all the way home. I think it was because they are so much a part of him. I picked up a couple of my grandchildren and kept them for the night. It was a good diversion. But in the morning, it was so obvious that Fred was missing. He always made breakfast with and for them. I couidn't keep the tears from flowing again. I miss him so much and just want him home with me.

I've had moments like that too, when a special moment brings me to tears. Today, however, I had a different response. I was in our bedroom, and I had a vision of him getting dressed for a Saturday night out. He looked good, and knew it, I could tell. But, as usual, he gave him self a "once over" look and then raised his hands and said, "How do I look?" Of course I would always tell him that he looked wonderful. As this vision came to my mind tonight, I just smiled and said out loud, "I love you Fred." Yes, I miss him like crazy but for a second, he was with me again and it felt good.

Thank you Jeanne. I've heard that guilt is a stage of this grief process. So if we know it's a stage, why can't we just skip over it??!! Boo, I read your Blog on the subject and I felt like it parralleled my own thinking. It really helped to see that you went through this for awhile but not forever. I guess this happens because we are trying to find a reason why our loved one died and it is so easy to blame it on ourselves. Another thought I have on the subject is that because I really have a need to have total control of myself and my environment, I've made sense of his death by telling myself that I controlled that too. See I even have to justify my guilt to myself! And so it goes.

Thank you Kath, I'm so glad I got to read your reply before going to bed. It really helps to hear that, maybe, I wasn't such a bad person. Fay

I expected this might be a tough day as Fred passed July 8th. I decided to do the laundry he had left in his hamper. I brought each shirt to my nose to try and capture his essense. I kept one shirt out and put the rest in the washer. I pictured each shirt on him and it made me feel closer. I choked back tears as best I could. Everyone says I'm such a strong woman and I try to live up to that but the tears I hold back are making me sick to my stomach. I tried to think about all the people who have told me to call when I need to talk but then I decided they mean well but they can't feel what I feel and I don't want them to worry about me if I should break down and sob. I started thinking that maybe Fred's death was my fault. He was in poor health the past 5 months and I didn't always have patience with him. The day before his heart attack, I told him that I was mad at all this sickness but that I loved him. I just wanted to have our lives back and not to be centered around how he felt each day. So maybe he just didn't want to bother me anymore and died. I wish I could go back 5 months and treat him better. I didn't know the stroke or the hernia surgery were so difficult for him. He seemed to be recovering from both but just slowly. If I had known our time was limited, I would have been more understanding. I planned to go to the Dr's office with him the day he had the heart attack. But, he didn't sleep well that night and left the house early by himself so he could stop for breakfast before his appointment. I don't think I could have stopped the events leading to his death that day but I could have had those hours with him. I spent almost every day and night with him in ICU after the heart attack but I don't know if he even knew I was there. I really loved him and I didn't want him to be by himself. It was selfish in part. I also didn't want to miss another minute with him. And, then he was gone. Sadly missed, Fay

Thank you all for your kind words.

Fred and I had been together 10 !/2 years. We never married but lived together 10 of those years. We both had come from long but dysfunctional marriages when we met. He was so easy to love and he felt the same about me. He was 66, I'm 58. He had some health issues; more than his share this year. On 6/26/09 he went to a follow-up doctor appointment and called me from the lobby saying he couldn't move. I did what I could to help him relax. He had times like this before from yet another health issue. Usually if he relaxed, it went away. Sure enough, at 10:13AM he called and told me he was feeling better then the phone went dead. My next call was from the adjoining hospital telling me to come there. Fred went into cardiac arrest and was not revived for 37 minutes inspite of CPR and defibrillation. The following 12 days were filled with hope, fear and plenty of tears. It was a roller coaster. In the end, he passed away in the evening of 7/8/09. I was fortunate to be with him. Now here I am, searching the internet for some understanding. Trying to figure out how I should be feeling and when will I feel better. Wondering how to live without him. Fredzgirl.... Fay