Fredzgirl

Oh, those ups and downs! I'm lucky to have more good days than bad, so far. This has been mostly a good week. A new grandaughter was born Friday and I have been very wrapped up with helping my daughter and holding the baby. I took a week off work and that has been helpful. I come home from my daughter's house around dinner time and I've been going to bed at a reasonable hour and sleeping in. All was good in spite of Fred's birthday yesterday. Still I had a couple of hours the other day when I just fell apart. I don't think it was going through his clothes (I didn't get rid of anything, just sorted). I think it was flipping through his cookbooks. Fred loved to cook and the cookbooks are all his. I just started sobbing and couldn't catch my breath. I called his son and we commiserated for awhile and then I watched a movie to distract myself until I fell asleep. I hope you all will soon have more good days than bad if you don't already.

It sounds like you aren't too sure of your decision. Maybe it's something you can just try out. Go to your Mom's and see how it feels. Maybe you'll feel better taking care of her or maybe you are the one who needs taken care of right now. My Mom passed away (93 years old) in January 2008. After Fred joined her in July 2009, I missed my Mom more than ever and wished she was here for me to visit. I don't think I could have been her caretaker though. I wanted her to be mine. Just something to consider. Sorry for your loss. I hope you will find comfort here in this forum. - Fredzgirl

That's wonderful jrm! I love the suggestion about documenting it in detail. I'm going to do that when I see Fred in my dreams. I know I can recall one of them now that is still fresh enough to write down.

I've seen Fred 2 or 3 times in my dreams now. He isn't the focus of my dream but I catch a glimpse of have a word or two with him. I think that I can deal with that now and maybe a month or two ago I couldn't. I also think that as I get stronger, I'll see him in my dreams more often and that he will have a bigger role. I don't have any scientific proof but I believe we self protec. Even though you might want to see your loved one, you might not be ready.

May Duke's love surround you and give you strength on the anniversary of your marriage. Fredzgirl

I was taking a walk with my daughter today and I talked to her about my feelings on this subject. She said she didn't realize that she was doing that. It opened the conversation up and she told me how she thinks about Fred almost every day. She always called him from the grocery store when she couldn't find something, for example. And she told me how her 4-year old talks about Poppa Freddie and asks when he is coming back home. Those things did choke me up a little but I composed myself because I didn't want to stop her from talking.

I made an appointment with my Dr, feeling that I was on the verge of depression for awhile. He told me that it was natural that I was depressed after Fred's death. He also said that ant-depressants take some time to start working. I was into something more immediate. He did give me a script for Xanax to relieve anxiety. I took a few but I didn't feel like they had much of an effect. The best part was that they are in the cabinet just in case I needed them. My advice is to talk to your Dr and discuss symptoms and options. Self-medicating with alcohol is never a good choice.

I knew you would all understand and that many of you would have a similar experience. Thank you!! Suzanne, I love that you included that poem. I'm saving it and may send it out to my family. Fredzgirl and very proud that I am.

Azusaman, I was just rereading some of the posts here. I want to comment on this. Fred and I had a wonderful relationship for 10 years. Our last year (number 11) was difficult and I even thought about leaving at times. I still loved him dearly but felt so supressed by his health concerns, his new lack of self-confidence and his unwillingness to participate in life as he had before. All this put a strain on our relathionship. He had a stroke and although he appeared to function normally after that, he was never the same. It was one trip after another to the hospital. He often mentioned that his life was nearing an end. His doctors and I didn't see any reason to believe that. As a result, I was feeling a lot of guilt, like you. But, I've put it aside. I did my best for the situation. If Fred had been himself, he would have understood. Actually, I think he understood anyway. Now, I remember us as we were those first 10 years. We had a fantastic life full of love and adventure. - Fredzgirl

I spend a reasonable time with family and others who knew Fred very well. I notice that they don't bring up his name. When I say something like, "If Fred was here he would have ...", they will give a nod, a sympathetic smile or gentle touch to my shoulder. I don't need comforting at these times; in my eyes I'm merely saying what I'm thinking. I would welcome some stories that they could share about his life with us. It seems like they are trying so hard to protect me that they are disrespecting Fred's existence. In all situations, I still feel like Fred is close by and a part of my life even though he is no longer living his. Have any of you experienced this?

I think what has helped me is that I play the cards I'm dealt each day. Some days are really good days. On those days I smile at the memories rather than cry. For awhile, I felt a little guilty for being ok. Other days are rougher. On those days, sometimes I want to be alone and I make that happen. Other times I need to be around people and either I call on family to help me out or I just go out to the grocery store or coffee shop. I don't feel the acute pain on a daily basis now, but I do miss him. I know there are others who are still grieving deeply after a much longer period. Although we all have something in common here, we all are in a different place as far as how our loss has affected our lives. I desparately miss my best friend, my love, my helpmate. Fortunately my finances are stable, I don't have small children to raise on my own and I'm not a young widow. All those variables must have some relationship to our grieving I suspect. It frightened me some when I saw that many folks on this site were acutely grieving for up to three years and longer; my heart goes out to them. For me, I still have tears at times but the pain is nothing like that first month.

I lost my Fred the same day, 7/8/09. Only those of us who have lost a spouse, partner or significant other, understand the depth of the greif you are feeling. And, each of us has our own personal reaction to it. I hope you will find strength and comfort through this Support Group.

Fred has been gone nearly 3 months. He bought a lot of clothes and seldom parted with any. His sons came to visit a few weeks after his death and they took some clothes that were meaningful to them. I donated some things today but I was careful only to donate things that he didn't normally wear. I also got rid of all of his under clothing because he had about a dozen pair he hadn't opened yet. I put those in his drawers "in case he comes back". Intellectually, I know he isn't coming back but emotionally, I just have to keep some things that I know he would want ... just in case. When I'm ready, I'll sort out some more. Oh, after taking some shirts out of his closet that I had been coaxing him to donate, I then spread all the left over one out so it didn't look like anything was missing. Funny how my mind works these days.

Oh, Kimi ... that's tough. It surprises me sometimes because I think that I've gotten over it, then it sneaks up on me. I drove past the hospital where Fred died a couple of weeks ago. I was going to a restaurant in an area I don't frequent. I was in the car with some of my family. I was talking with my daughter when I looked up and noticed where I was. I had to breathe deeply so I wouldn't sob but the tears still flowed. This is hard. I hope you will find moments of peace.

Ah, Mandi, this is such a difficult process and we have no choice but to deal with it. My heart aches for you as you start your journey. Fred passed away 10 weeks ago today. Although he had some health issues for some time, his death was unexpected as he had a heart attack and went into cardiac arrest. He lived for 10 days but was never himself. I still find myself asking why. I am just starting to process the idea that he isn't coming back. When I need to talk to people who understand, I come here. Take care.

I saw my doctor a couple of weeks ago. He agrees with you, Boo ... I'm depressed but I have reason. He said there is no pill to make it better. He did give me a prescription for Xanax .25mg. It doesn't seem to have much of an effect and so I haven't taken it more that a few times. Once I took two which put me to sleep quicker. I meant to call him to get his ok on increasing the dose. I did Google it and .5 appears to be a moderate dose. Dee, Fred died two months ago. I felt strong at first and then it was harder. Now, I'm fine most of the time but have a short cry about once a day. I try to smile at my memories instead of cry. It doesn't always work. Hang in there. I think staying incredibly busy helps in the short run. In the long run, you still have to spend the time working out the grief and learning to accept the loss. That's my take on it anyway.

Thank you for sharing, Boo. Your love for him emanates from the pages of Cliff's eulogy. It's a wonderful tribute.

I notice other couples and wonder why me. Why am I left without a partner? How fair is that? I remember feeling that at first when I was divorced as well. Fred and I didn't look alike ... he was olive skinned and brown eyes. I'm fair and my eyes are more blue/green. His arms were hairless and his skin unusually soft. I liked to kiss the top of his bald head! We shared the sofa most evenings with him sitting on one end, holding and rubbing my feet ... me stretched out with my feet in his lap. In bed we would start out at night "spooning" but as the night wore on, he would change position to breathe better. I usually ended up sleeping diagonally on the bed with my toes searching for his by morning. Now I sometimes stack his pillows up close to me so I can sleep.

I'm a founder/employee of a non-profit company with four other women. We cover for each other when we need to. They have been very supportive of me during this time. I do feel badly that I'm not doing as much as I have in the past. When I have deadlines to meet, I make them. But day to day is hard. I work at home most of the time and that means amid the life I had with Fred. As others have mentioned, focus is difficult. For example, I sat at the computer to get some work done tonight and here I am! The grieving process seems to be a day to day, sometimes minute to minute thing. I'm not sure how I would cope with a regular job. If I had the luxury of early retirement .... I'd do it in a heartbeat! Spending time with my sisters, reading, taking walks ... that sounds like a healing environment to me.

Valley, You made it. You survived a year of working through your grief. From where I stand (2 months) that is a major accomplishment. I hope that you will be able to express joy now and that you will come back here and let me know that it can happen! Hugs ... Fredzgirl

My sister's SO passed away three years ago. Now I'm apologizing to her for not understanding how devastating her loss was. The point is unless you have been there, you don't know. I was married 25 years and divorced 5 years before meeting Fred. I found that the initial grief I felt when Fred died was similar to the grief I felt when Bob left. In both cases someone I loved was taken away and I had not control of it. At first I thought divorce was worse because I was rejected and when Fred died he died loving me. At this point I find that losing Fred is so much harder. Back on the topic of this thread, why people think they know what is best for you. I wish someone did know what was best for me because I don't think I"m doing such a good job of figuring it out for myself.

Korinia, I wonder the same thing, why I ever thought I could get through this. I know it isn't a choice we made but at the beginning, I felt stronger. And, I've got to tell you, sometimes reading this forum scares me. I'm restless too ... can't keep my focus on my work. What I find unsettling is that five months might still be considered the early stages of grieving. Fred has been gone exactly 8 weeks and I just want to have the grieving behind me. I don't want to ever forget him, and I know I won't. But, I want the pain to go away and from what I'm reading, it's not going to happen for a very long time. I don't know if I have the stamina for it.

You totally cared for your husband every minute of the day and then he was gone. Wow, what and adjustment! No wonder you are finding yourself paralyzed at times. But this idea of fitness bootcamp sounds good. I wish I could join in. I think it would be so useful to focus on exercise to the point of shutting out everything else for an hour or two. But, if you change your mind, I get that too. I used to dance every Thursday night. Now, on Wednesdays I start thinking about going and I look forward to it. By Thursday afternoon, I have come up with at least one good reason why I'm not going. I figure I'll get back into when I'm ready. I've been thinking about medication too. I think that if I go an entire week without one good day ... a day of accomplishment and without tears ... then I'll make an appointment. Sundays are difficult days for me. Today I was thinking that I wished I was dead too, that I had nothing to look forward to and that no one needed me or cared. But, it's Sunday and I'm not going to hold myself to any of those feelings. Let us know if that fitness bootcamp works out.

Yesterday I was thinking I had really made progress. I was very productive at work, got my 30 minutes of cardio in ... life was looking up. That lasted until I opened the mail and found a Hospice survey. Boom ... I was back in despair and tonight I barely have the energy to leave my chair. The questions they were asking regarding their services brought up confusion and some anger. Fred was only in Hospice care for about 5 hours before he died. The Hospice team didn't explain things to me. Did the pain medication and the patch that they put on his chest make him more comfortable or hasten his death?!? If I hadn't agreed to Hospice, would he have lived a few hours longer, a day, week? Once Fred was trasfered from ICU to a room with a view (Hospice), he and I were alone most of the time. No one checked on us after the first hour. Even when he stopped breathing, it took 20 minutes to get a nurse and doctor to come to the room to confirm that he was gone. I could come up with excuses for the Hospice team but I don't want to. It's only 7 weeks out and I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of telling everyone that I'm ok. I'm tired of taking care of the dogs. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere with a blanket over my head. And while I'm complaining ... I want to dream of Fred. I wonder why I just can't at least see him in my dreams.

Oh, Joanna, there just isn't anything easy about this greiving process, is there. I'm not really at a place where I can be helpful with my responses, but I read your entry about your love, Denny, and I just want you to know that I hear you.