amanda

hi penny1, I am so sorry for the loss of your mum and the way she passed,i can only second what everyone has said so far. My best friends mum was murdered in july 04 by her stepfather,I have seen my friend suffer more than him,It isnt fair. It seems the usa justice system is no better than the english my friend ended up hiring an investigator to prove that he was not insane as he was caught red handed. She was totally consumed with proving his sane guilt,only then did she start to grieve,I was here for her night and day until i lost my mum on 16 may 05. Do you have a friend who could be there for you? Dont ever feel that people have heard about it enough,talk as much as you want to about it. No loss can be as brutal as losing a loved one at the hands of another. my heart goes out to you, keep posting from amanda

marty t, I went to my doctors yesterday and he said i suffering with anxiety so he put me on meds and has referred me to a grief councilor,I really hoping this will help.I know i need to deal with this. Thank you for the advice. I feel american people are more in touch with thier feeling and us english are expected to put a brave face on no matter what has happened,I think its the way i was raised,my dad was old english he was 59 when i was born and fought in ww2,he would always say he went through the war and people wouldnt let things get them down so why was a letting something get me down i should pick myself up and enjoy life.Being upset was something my dad wouldnt tolerate. I suppose i was always seen as the strong one out of my sisters and me and have always tried to be there for them although i am the youngest,im not feeling very strong now and im going to be selfish and have some me time. Thank you so much marty. kasey, Its good to know that someone else relates im really sorry for the loss of your mum,I do know how you feel,my mums death was unexpected to,i dont know if you have read my other posts but she went on holiday to america and got pneumonia,she died 5 weeks later over there,shock and disbelief yeah i can relate. One day hopefully i will be able to go back to orlando and do all the thing my mum wanted to do,i will do it for her. I wish she had got to enjoy her vacation before she got sick,it wasnt to be. I know halloween is a big holiday in the usa and the minute decorations go up in the shops ect memories must come flooding back for you almost as if it has gone back in time and makes you feel you are reliving the nightmare,how awful ,I wish you luck in your journey through grief, you are a brave young women who sounds very level headed and seems to be coping better with this than me . good luck kasey06 all my love amanda

hi, Im really sorry for your loss,When you lose your mum no matter who you grew up with it is still a major blow. What ive learnt from this site is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve but there are common symptoms. Your boyfriend doesnt understand and untill he has a major loss in his life im afraid he wont. It is the first anniversary of my mums death today and my husband has no idea what it is like. No matter what religon you follow i think everyone doubts or blames god/allah so dont feel bad about it , it doesnt make you a bad muslim,I think any god/allah would see that there is special circumstances and be forgiving. If you want to cry and CRY,If you cant dont worry.Its very early days for you,this site is great and the people on here are wonderful. So welcome and keep posting as it does help. loads of love and hugs amanda

hi shell and maylissa, thank you for your advise and thanks for being here.I know that it can take a long time to grieve but i want to get over it ,my poor husband thinks ive turned in to an alien,Someone he doesnt know,Im short tempered totally unlike me. I need to find a way to get through this but im lost for ideas,I wish someone would do something so i could shout and scream and let some of my anger and hurt out. I must sound tike a right looney tune i know i feel like one . Today a year on i cant cry i almost feel numb apart from my stomach being tied up in knots. I am going to keep busy today,tommorrow is my husbands birthday so i have to keep happy for that,I cant be a depressed bore,can I? again thank you both amanda

hi everyone, sorry i havent been around for a bit but ive had major dajavous,It was my sons 18th birthday on the 1st may,on his 17th i flew out to the usa then the day i came back i had to go to my sons final as he is a soccer referee.this year he was given the same final,everything ive been doing just takes me back to last year. tommorrow 16th may is the first anniversary of my mums death,I dont feel any better and dont know if i ever will. I keep on wondering what the point in life is,why are we here? I didnt feel the same as this when my dad died,not that i didnt love him as much as my mum. While im feeling sorry for myself i also feel guilty as my best friends mum was murdered almost 2 years ago now and i have not been a great support to her since i lost my mum,I have tried to be there for her but not making a very good job of it. A year on and life still seems hard,I know my mum would tell me to pick myself up and enjoy life but it just isnt that easy amanda

hi everyone. Going in to my mums was hard,I felt totally sick but i held it together until i left then i cried for a few moments before pulling myself together. GOOD NEWS ON DAD the biopsy was clear the oncologist was so shocked,he has to have a ct scan as he still has 2 swellings that are unexplained,either side of his voice box,but so far so good. Dad seemed really disappointed that it was clear,i think he is missing mum so much he wants to be with her.I have told him that he has to stay here with us as we all need him and love him. Im glad i went. thank you for being so supportive from amanda

thank you, I really dont want to call you basketcase as i doubt you really are but hey you gave the name. Im not brave at all,im a coward actually but we do what we have to do when it comes to our loved ones. I will focus on him and my kids are coming to they love thier grandad loads too. from amanda

hi, im sorry for your loss,it sounds as though your grandfather was a very special man. what you are feeling is very normal,i lost my mum 10 months ago,my dad 12 years ago and i still find it hard and feel like a child unable to get a grip. Its early days 3 months is no time at all. shell said to me to take day by day or even moment by moment and she was right. Its really helped me posting on this board feeling like other people understand,when you feel your the only person in the world feeling such strong sometimes uncontrolable feelings its a comort to know your not going totally mad. from amanda

11 weeks after my mum died my step dad was diagnosed with cancer of the larynx. he had radiotherapy and was all clear for a while,he had further test two weeks ago and he gets the results tommorrow,to be honest it doesnt look good,even the oncologist thinks it is back. I am going to see him for the night but i am dreading going to mums house,Ive only been twice since she died and each time i end up in a real state,It just doesnt seem right without her being there. If the results are bad i will have to try to hold it together for him and encourage him to be positive. I cant stand the thought i could lose him too he is a great stepdad and a brilliant grandad to the kids.i love him loads. any ideas to cope better while im there?i dont want to make it worse for him. from amanda

hi sean, thank you,i see what you mean it does say it all,ive sent it to a friend of mine who has just lost her husband. from amanda

hi shubom, Thank you. I am greatful for all advice. What are the groups like,did you feel comfortable there at first?,Did they make you feel welcome. from amanda

hi kathy, maylissa said the best way to go was by word of mouth,so thank you for replying i will give it a go. sorry about your mum,I know how hard it is.Im really glad your reading went well. from amanda

shell, I told my step dad that it was the final act of love he could show my mum,he finally decided to give the consent but couldnt stay with her,I dont blame him for that. Two nurses that had been caring for her stayed after thier shift and held her hand and said prayers as she passed. One nurse went down to tell him she had gone ,then she took him out for a meal,as he was not eating well.she then took him back to his hotel and had a drink with him. the next morning she went back took him out for breakfast and it went on like that until his flight home . Im still in touch with her now. Thats what i was trying to say about the compassion not only for my mum but for my step dad too. I wish i could have flown back over for when she passed,so i could have been thier for her and john (my step dad).Ive been lucky to have two dads in my life that i totally love. It is a bit like having a fur baby put to sleep in the sence that you want to end any suffering but in a way it leaves you feeling responsilbe for thier death.I know in my heart it was the right thing to do but that doesnt make me feel any better about it. by the way i like hearing from you too. from amanda

ann b Im so sorry to hear about your dad,with your mum being sick as well it must be so hard. I am 36 too i lost my dad 12 years ago and my mum 10 months ago,i wish i could offer you some sound advice but im a bit of a screw up right now. the only thing i can tell you is the people on here are great and manage to bring a smile to my face. hang in there ann. my thoughts are with you from amanda

hi shell, I think you have hit the nail on the head,I do feel guilty now my mum has gone. The first day we were at the hospital they took my mum off of sedation and she had tears flowing down her face im not sure if it was because we were there or if she was scared because she new what was happening,I hope it was not the latter. I could only stay 5 days and feel bad about that,but at this point there was still a little hope,two days after we left she was smiling and we thought she had started to get better then the next day she went so far down hill there was no turning back.It took a while for my step dad to agree to turn off the life support,it was me that really got him to do it ,now i feel bad about that as well,Im a total screw up arent i. here i am rambling again sorry. thanks shell from amanda

hi maylissa , I AM SO SORRY,i guess i should look closer,I have learnt my lesson,so PLEASE PLEASE exect my apology. I havent seen Barking Mad for a while either,Great program. How are canadians at expressing thierselves?are they more like thew english or americans?. from a very apologetic amanda

hi maylissa, that is great i will certainly be using that one on my husband,who is so unsensitive and unsympathetic he really thinks i should be over it after 10 months,he even asked me why i miss my mum and asked if him and the kids arent enough for me. so you are wonderful for posting that. from amanda

paul s thank you for saying im not awful.You are right about me being angry with my mum for leaving.i also feel bad that she didnt get to enjoy her holiday before she got sick,after i had been to orlando 3 times and told her how great it was,she was so looking forward to it. however as you can imagine my last visit wasnt so great but im glad i saw her before she died,im not sure if she new i was there. By the way im not old enough to remember farthings but here in england we say two pence worth. thank you again paul s from amanda

hi maylissa Im sorry it didnt go well for you.Maybe one day i will give it a go but i am worried about a negetive ending to it. Unfortunatly being english doesnt help,people tend not to talk about thier feelings expecting you to have a stiff upper lip and all that british bull,why cant people be more like americans,thoughtful,considerate and caring. I guess ive just seen the good side,what i can remember from when i lived in springfield missouri when i was a kid and from holidays to the usa. But i do believe american people are the nicest. thank for your input from amanda

diann e in time the tears become less but your memories never fade,you will always remember her.Its been 4 years since i lost cindy my mixed breed babe she was nearly 17 years old,i said i would never have another as it hurt so much and i could not replace her but somehow i ended up with 2.In a way they they remind me of her,Jake needing lots of love and extra care as he is epileptic and goldies nutty nature. when i first got them 2 years after losing cindy i cried, as i felt i was betraying her, until my vet said she was glad i found it in my heart to give 2 other babes a very loving life. Your pain will ease but it is early days. Anyone who has loved and lost a special 4 legged member of thier family knows the heartache and sorrow you are feeling. You must have given her so much love and fun in her life as she did you,but without your love and comitment she would not have been around for 18 years . WELL DONE for being such a great mum to her. amanda

Ive always been close to my mother in law saying shes the best mum in law anyone could wish for.But since losing my mum i tend to snap at her and think my mum wouldnt do that or say that. I really dont want to be mean to her but it just happens and afterwards i feel awful,she never says anything and says its ok when i say sorry. I dont mean to compare her to mum but i cant help it. has anyone else felt like this? or am i just an awful person? amanda

has anyone seen a spiritualist? if so were they genuine?. I am desperate for a sign that my mum is at peace.I wondered if anyone had gone down this path.If so how did it work out?WAS it a waste of money or did it help. I miss my mum so much . amanda

hi shell, once again you seem to have words that comfort,you must be a very special person. some people say they have felt the presence of a loved one, i wish i could then maybe i would know that she is at peace. I believe i god and heaven but sometimes i wish she could show me a sign that it all exsists and i would then know she had gone on to a better place. when i was a kid i was not allowed to go to sunday school or church so i have made my own mind up about religon,my dad did not believe my mum did in her own way,finding it hard when she lost my brother at 4 months old. sorry for boring you and thanks for the replies amanda

i tried to reply havent figured it out yet

In may last year my mum went to orlando on holiday,she got pneumonia and was in hospital for 5 weeks before she died.the staff at the hospital and at the hotel were the best.if my mum had still been in the uk she would not have had the care and loving treatment that she got.i will never forget the compassion of the american people and will alway be greatful. my mum was only 64 and we thought she was in good health until then,i still can not beleive she has gone and i feel that my family does not understand,my husband lost his father when he was 6 and does not remember him,he says i should be over it by now but to be honest its only just starting to sink in.it has only been this week that i have cried for more than a minute i feel a total wreak ,i know i should be stronger but i cant. anyway thank you amerians