amanda

hi rayon, I am so sorry for your loss.I totally agree that people should tell there parents how they feel and appriciate them. i have lost both of my parents so its to late for me to do that now but i think guilt is something that most people feel when they lose a loved one.Its is a normal part of greiving,I bet your dad knew you loved him and he was lucky to have that love ,he sounds like he was a very good dad. Dont beat yourself up over the past,we all say things we dont mean from time to time. I didnt have the perfect relationship with my mum but it doesnt mean that you dont miss them or that the love you feel is any less. Its early days for you,take one day at a time or even moment by moment, this site is a great place and there are loads or great people on here it does help. welcome to the site and keep posting. loads of love amanda

hi shelley and lori, thank you both so much,dont you think this site is great,you talk to people who although you have never met you feel as though they are your only friends who truely understand how you are feeling.again thank you loads of love amanda

hi shelley, well ii dropped darren at the airport and smiled until he was out of sight then cried,my eldest son daniel was with me he is 18 , gave me a hug and came hoome and cooked dinner for the family.im really lucky to have great kids,however lauren my 12 year old daughter decided she will miss her big bro so much she will have to sleep in his bed.funny i think its just because he has cable and she doesnt. thank you for all your prayers i must be keeping you busy.ha ha loads of love amanda

thank you everyone,i feel a little better just talking about it,the count down is on he goes in 9 hours.i know he is a good lad so he will be fine,but as i said i cant help worrying. Yesterday he passed 8 exams with good grades,wonderful news but i wanted to tell my mum and couldnt,strange how good news brings sad feelings. Im having a little bit of a hard time right now but i know it will get better again soon so i will just hang on to that. my stepdad has another lump in his throat,we dont know if it the cancer back only tests will tell.i dont know if they are slow in the us as they are here,but you feel like your waiting forever to get the tests done and then an eternity for the results. enough of me moaning loads of love amanda

hi shelley, thank you for your kind words,he goes to corfu on friday,i havent let him know how i feel,i want him to have a good time. he has promised to call me,But it doesnt stop me worring. loads of love amanda

help,when i was having a semi good day i agreed for my 16 year old to go on holiday with a friend.ok his friend is very responsible and a nice lad.however as you know my mum died on holiday last year and two and half years ago my sister went on holiday she was 23 weeks pregnant,she lost her baby and nearly died. i cant help panicing. why did i ever say he could go ,i must be stupid. love 2 all amanda

hi shelley,dont worry about repeating yourself,post whatever you need to if it helps do it,i dont think anyone will be offended. that is what this forum is all about doing things that help like sharing how we are feeling. my mum died 1 month after yours and i keep talking to everyone about her and my loss,it has taken me along time to be able to but now i cant stop. SO DONT WORRY. all my love amanda

hi dana, i to have greive for someone i didnt ever meet.It was my sister baby.my sister went to spain at 23 weeks pregnant for a holiday and lost her baby whilst she was there.I never saw the baby but my heart still breaks when i think of the babe i will never know. thanks for sharing dana.i wish you peace of mind. loads of love amanda

hi ann, wow,i think you have captured how everyone feels when they lose a loved one,well its exactly how i feel. i hope posting your poems helps you as much as it helps those who read them. loads of love amanda

hi ali, first of all welcome to the site.what a great friend you are to take the time and trouble to help her. my mum died may 2005 and we didnt always have the best mum and daughter relationship. my mum left me when i was 12 years old to marry who is now my stepdad,i did resent it for a while but as i grew up i was glad she did in a way,if she hadnt have done this i wouldnt be married to my husband or have my kids who i totally adore. anyway i didnt tell my mum that i didnt blame her or that life had turned out great for me,sometimes she would be really horrible to me but i think part of that was guilt for the past. at the end of the day most people are left with some sort of guilt when they lose someone but if the relationship has been rocky then you have more regrets to focus on. Try to get her to see a counselor but if she doesnt want to just be there and let her talk as much or as little as she wants to,grief can last a long time as i have found out so dont get board with her saying the same things over and over. I think she will do fine with you as a friend. also tell her about us maybe one day she will have a look at this site ,it really does help loads of love amanda

marty, thank for all the info it will help a great deal. shell, yeah it wakes you up doesnt it,my mum always said what ever bad is happening to you remember there is always someone else in a worse situation and she was right. i will do the best i can for them. loads of love amanda

hi shell, i really hope you right too. its just so frustrating when you are trying to remember and cant. my new saying to myself is I LOVE LIFE rather than life sucks,im really trying to be positive and i think it helps a little. take care loads of love amanda

hi shelley, im not as gifted as most the people on this site,shell ,maylissa and paul s all have so much wonderful advice and they seem to have the right words.where as i just say what i feel and have felt so if i ever sound wierd sorry i just am. loads of love amanda

hi shelley, we seem to have a few things in common. I to have blamed myself for my mums death.If i hadnt had told her orlando was so great she wouldnt have gone and maybe she would still be alive. truth is she would have got sick no matter where she was,just like your mum i suspect. Im glad my mum got sick in the usa and noot here in england,her care there was the best and the people were great. ok its left me feeling that im still waiting for her to come home sometimes and maybe its made grief a little different to deal with,but i know in my heart if she was going to die anywhere she would have chosen a holiday as she loved them so much. I wish she had got to enjoy the holiday first but that wasnt to be,she got sick the day after she arrived in the usa,one day i will go back to orlando and take some flowers to the hospital and then i will do all the things she wanted to do in her honour. try not to feel guilty and when you do remember it is a natural feeling that alot of people have after losing someone that that love. take care loads of love amanda

i wonder if anyone could give me any advice?a friend of my daughters has just lost her dad feb 2006 and her mum has cancer,things dont look good. the young girl is 14 and has a 12 year old sister.they have no other family and the 14 year old is staying strong for her mum and sister. ive told her about this site and told her ill always be there to listen to her but im at a loss for anything else i can do for them. I thought i had it bad at 36 but these are just children,my heart really goes out to them. If anyone has any ideas what else i could do please let me know thanks amanda

hi shelley, dont think that you are rambling we all need to talk about what happened to our loved ones.Better on this board than telling everyone you meet,which i tend to do. At first i couldnt talk to anyone about it ,now i cant stop myself,embarrasing or what. As ive said before the english tend not to talk about there feelings so i am strange but hey do what makes you feel better. Its taken time but hopefully by talking about it more i will start to accept more,i still have days when i cant believe mum is gone,i cant remember what she sounded like and that really gets to me,how could i forget that? one day at time and planning for a future is how im dealing with it now. take care loads of love amanda

starkiss, it must have been awful losing your parents so close together. its bad enough having 12 years between my mum and dad,although i do have a wonderful stepdad who is just recovering from cancer he was diagnosed 11 weeks after i lost my mum.fingers crossed he seems to be doing better now. you said you live with your sister and her family,it must be nice to be able to support each other my sisters live 130 miles from me and i tend to do most of the supporting but they are great and i love them loads. take care loads of love amanda

hi shell, i hope your doing ok. the meds are helping.the palatations have stoped and im not so scared of everything. im trying to change my life a little.Im learning to ride my daughters pony so that we spend more time together,i want to make the most of the time while she is young.Im also training to be a driving instuctor,i need to see a future and by trying to plan a little ahead it is helping a little.giving me something to get up for and live for. I still have bad days well alot of them seem that way but i know one day i will be happpy again,i know i have to give it time and allow myself to be upset. so yaeh life is a bit better. speak to you soon loads of love amanda

hi shelly, thank you for your kind words.thats the great thing about this site is that the people on here dont judge you for how you are feeling,where as people that have not lost anyone think it should be over after the funeral.how wrong the are and they unfortunaly will find out one day.Us survivors of grief will be there to help them through it. take care loads of love amanda

hi tamilla, welcome to the site.my prayers are with you today.Do i take it you are english aswell? the birth of your friends child was a great thing to happen on an anniversary it really brings something positive to the day. i use to really worry about getting upset in front of my children until my daughter who is 12 told me she to was upset and it was only natural to cry and she would not stop crying if it was me who had gone and that she wanted to be there for me even if it made her cry too.a very remarkable young lady dont you think so? Dont ever feel that you are alone through your grief nightmare thr people on this site are great. i dont always visit as often as i would like as i am extremley busy at the moment but everyone on this site are always in my thoughts. take care loads of love amanda

hi charlie how great to read that you had a good day.im still waiting for one but if it can happen for you it can also for the rest of us. thank you for brightening my day a little. loads of love amanda

hi derek, sorry ive been away.no my mum died 16th may 05,she went to disney world april 9th 05 and was admitted to celebration hospital the next day,they where great and did everything they could but she died of pneumonia. I love disney wold but as you know the last trip was not a good one it was to say goodbye to my mum. one day i will go back and do everything she wanted to do but didnt get to. my heart goes out to you.It feels as though your waiting for the holiday to finish and they will come home.something i know will never happen. i now know it wasnt my fault my mum died,she would have got sick no matter where she was,but guilt is still there over many other things. loads of love amanda

hi guilt is something i really struggle with.Ive been for counselling and i know i couldnt have changed anything really but the the guilt is still there and i think it will be for a long time.i wish you success in over coming this. starkiss. losing someone on vaction is awful my mum went to orlando april 05 and died while she was there. its as if im still waiting for her to come home.I know part of me died when my mum did and like you its seems i lose abit of myself each day. i havent been on the board for quite a while ive been trying to keep busy and make plans for the future so that i can see a point in life. I dont know if its working but i have to something. anyway enough of me droning on. just wanted to let you know i really do understand. amanda

hi babs MY HUSBAND TOO IS A GOOD MAN HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND.JUST LIKE NANCYM SAID MY HUSBAND ASKS WHATS WRONG WHEN IM UPSET,I THINK SOMETIMES THEY LACK THE IMAGINATION TO FIGURE IT OUT. I TOO WISH I COULD SHOW MY MUM HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. JUST REMEMBER YOUR NOT ALONE. NANCYM WELCOME AND IM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.WELL DONE ON YOUR 1ST POST. KEEP IT UP IT DOES HELP THE PEOPLE HERE ARE WONDERFUL LOVE TO YOU BOTH AMANDA

oh babs my love, i can definatly relate to you on this problem. I lost my mum 16 may 05 and my husband had known her 20 years however he didnt like her.I think he must be the most insensitive man in the world. He to expects me to be happy all the time,he asked me why ive changed,said i used to be care free and now i worry about everything and he is right,i do ,but not suprising if you look at the illnesses and deaths in my family in the last few years. It has taken arguments and long discussions and my doctor putting me on meds to make him see that i cant just pull myself together . Marty T said to me all the time you try to keep happy and put on a brave face you are still crying on the inside and your grief will wait there to be dealt with.she is so right. I cant tell you how to deal with your husband as every relationship is different but if you need to vent i am here and totally understand. all my love amanda