LindaKoz

I'm just wondering if I will ever have good days again. I made the decision not to go to work today. I am exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've not been able to get myself to sleep in our bed so I sleep on the sofa with the tv on all night -- it's not really a restful sleep. Today is a dreary, rainy day and I just wanted to stay in Brian's clothing and retreat from the world. I will be seeing some friends tonight (they are going to pick me up) so I'm really permanently withdrawing. Sometimes I just want to be by myself with my memories. Hoping this is normal.

I'm also a seminary student so I keep trying to find time to focus on my studies. Brian was my biggest supporter and he told me I was going to be a great Pastor some day. Right now I'm working on an assignment but I have to do small amounts at a time. The passage I've chosen to explore is Romans 8:26-39 which speaks of the Holy Spirit offering comfort and the fact that nothing -- not even death -- can separate us from the love of God. My professor directed me to this passage for the assignment and I do find some solace as I explore the meaning. I'm not angry at God because I view God as all-loving and always present. And, I know that God comes to me in the form of the many angels who make sure that I eat, sleep, and breathe.

So, where can I direct my anger? I'm not mad at Brian -- he just didn't realize how sick he was. I'm not mad at myself because I didn't know either. We thought he had the flu and would be better in a few days. Should I just be mad at the fact that we are humans and not able to cure all illnesses? Should I just let go of the anger and try to focus on healing? Sometimes I feel like I am not going to get through this. I just want to scream and cry and mostly want him back.

I guess I needed to get some of these thoughs out of my head. It helps me to write them down. So glad I found this place where I can be me and learn how to live again.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thanks everybody for sharing all of these special songs. Music was a huge part of my fiancee's life. He played guitar, banjo, and mandolin and wrote beautiful songs. But my best (and saddest) memory occurred shortly after we met. I was in Boston for the weekend and Brian called me on the phone. He played and sang "Song for Ireland." It is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard and I knew that I was falling in love with this man. He sang it to me many more times during our 3 1/2 years together. I listen to Dick Gaughin's version (which is probably the best next to Brian's) almost every day in my car and my tears flow. I also have a CD on which Brian and some friends performed the so "Bread of Life" by John Michael Talbot. He starts the song off playing guitar and singing by himself. It is such a treasure to have this gift. For Brian's memorial service my sister put together some CDs with his favorite songs (he has a passion for celtic music) and I play these CDs daily. I just miss him so much and try to find any connections I can. Sadly, the songs he wrote are mostly lost because he didn't write/read music but played by ear. Although we have the lyrics, we are not able to replicate the music. I'm hopeful that our church has audio copies of some of the services where he played his songs. I would love to hear them now.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Song for Ireland

Brian has not come to me in my dreams and I'm not sure whether I could handle it or not. Perhaps he will come to me when my mind is ready? I do believe in other signs. Last weekend I went to the beach with a friend. As we were walking on the beach watching the surfers (Brian had been a surfer in his younger days), a big butterfly began to follow us up the beach. I had also seen a huge butterfly a week earlier at work as I was struggling with my emotions. And, the next day at the beach I looked out the balcony and saw a butterfly below me. I did get a sense of peace and calmness so I believe Brian was trying to tell me that all will be well. I hope it was him and I hope he continues to come to me in many different ways. I will keep looking.

I am so glad that I joined this site. Reading your responses helps me to deal with the thoughts and emotions which are running through my mind. I lost Brian 3 1/2 weeks ago. Since that time I have been wearing his clothes to bed and when I'm just hanging around our home. The thought of going through all of his belongings or getting rid of his things is just too painful to consider at this time. But I did discover some treasures as I went through some of his drawers. Brian was a musician and wrote beautiful songs. About two years ago he wrote a beautiful song about how he felt about having me in his life. Then, he lost the paper on which he had written the words. I found it and it was a wonderful reminder of how much he loved me. It helped me realize that he never would have left me if there had been any other option. I also asked his children if they wanted to take any of his clothing -- thought they might also find comfort in wearing one of his sweatshirts or t-shirts. His daughters agreed but his son did not want to take anything. I guess the reminders are too much for him to bear right now (he's 18). I guess for now I will continue to face life one moment at a time. It's difficult but I'm doing the best that I can.

Hi Bam,

From what I've read the stages of grief are different for everyone. I lost my fiance on 9/23. The first two weeks passed because I was numb and my mind tricked me into thinking that Brian would come home, that he really wasn't gone forever. Slowly the reality of this loss has been sinking in but not totally. I really don't have any words of wisdom because my loss is fresh and new. But, perhaps we can walk through this valley together because I understand. That's the reason I joined this group. I can express my pain and angst and others will just know what I'm feeling.

My heart really goes out to you. Remember to breath, eat when you can, and take care of yourself. I wish that I had a magic forumla to make all the pain go away. But, we loved so much which I guess makes the loss so great.

Peace, love, and blessings to you.

Linda

Thanks everyone for the messages and the support. I do get the griefshare e-mails and will consider attending meetins in the future. I'm just not ready right now. It helps to read all the posts on here and to know that I'm not alone. I try to be as strong as I can and to go on but sometimes I think people believe I am stronger than I am. For, you see, Brian was my strength and my foundation. I have to relearn who i am on my own.

I have a 19-year-old son who is in his sophmore year at college and he's really wonderful. He's only about 40 minutes away so I will get to see him as often as possible and he calls me frequently to check on me. Brian had five children (ages 13 through 25) and three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 8 weeks). They will continue to be in my life and it is such a blessing to see our grandchildren. I want to be able to tell them all of my stories about Brian as they grow up. I remember Brian's joy when his latest grandson, Willem, was born. We were at the hospital and got to see him shortly after his birth. Brian was filled with joy and in the pictures you can see him beaming. Right now it is just so sad that he will not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. And, that's what is so unfair about his death, he will miss so much -- his daughter will graduate from college in May, he has children who are not married yet, and his youngest daughter is only 13.

I know that he is with us always and that he lives on in our hearts and our memories but I guess it is just too soon to find this comforting. Comfort is fleeting at best. I'm trying to be gentle with myself by making sure I eat, drink water, sleep, and breathe. My one good friend is a nurse so she checks on me every day at least once. There are so many angels in my life for which I am extremely thankful. And, God is my partner on this new journey.

Thanks again for the support. It really does help.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

This is my first post on this site. 3 1/2 weeks ago I lost the love of my life, Brian. We met 3 1/2 years ago and almost immediately knew that we were meant for each other. Our relationship blossomed and we planned to get married in a year or so. We were both divorced and amazed that we had finally found true, genunie love. I'm 48 and he was 53. We had so much fun during our time together. Our conversations were easy and endless. Brian was more than my fiancee, he became my best friend. He was genuine, humble, talented (played guitar, sang, and wrote songs). He loved me in a way that I had never experienced before. He accepted me for who I am and never asked that I change. And, I loved him back unconditionally. Four days before he passed away he experienced flu-like symptoms. Apparently he also developed some type of infection in his leg -- not sure what it was. The infection got into his blood stream and then he was gone.

I never knew that I could feel so much pain and emptiness. I don't want to eat. I don't sleep very well. I just want him back and I know that it won't happen until my time on earth is through. Thankfully I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends. And, I have faith that God is walking with me through this valley of grief. But, some days I just don't know how I am ever going to be able to live my life day after day without Brian. I've gone through the should haves and could haves in my mind to no avail. I've asked why a million times but there are no answers.

I've read some of the posts on here and I realize what I'm feeling and experiencing go hand in hand with the grief process. But, the pain is so new and so raw. Comfort is fleeting. I just thought this might be a good place to join so I could talk to others who understand and can empathize.

All replies and suggestions are welcome.

Peace and blessings,

Linda