LindaKoz

The past two days have been cloudy and overcast where I live . . . and I kind of began to feel like the weather--sad and blue. I've been at work but was feeling incredibly sad. When I left for lunch both days, I noticed a small ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds. It was at the exact same place both days. I think it was Brian trying to bring some sunshine into my life and to help me understand that all will be well. To confirm this, today when I drove down the street after seeing the sun, a hawk flew across the sky and into a tree. As I watched this beautiful creature, I realized Brian was indeed sending me signs. He used to look for hawks and falcons all the time . . . he would notice them and point them out to me. I know that Brian lives on in my heart and I know that his essence exists in all of nature. For some reason, hawks, falcons, and butterflies seem to be the signs that I notice, along with that sunbeam. I know Brian doesn't want me to be sad the rest of my life and I'm really trying to walk this grief journey with dignity and courage.

I also wanted to comment on an article I read today which indiciated most people in our society are uncomfortable with grief. This can mean that those of us who are experiencing grief begin to avoid going out in public (including church), or trying not to show our tears and our sadness. Rather, we must learn to embrace our grief and show the world that it is perfectly natural to cry--that tears can be healing. We need to remember our loved ones and have opportunities to talk about them opening and honestly. This a way of honoring their time on earth and keeping them alive. My Pastor and a good friend commented that I am teaching others how to grive by being open and honest. Though I wish I wasn't walking this path, I hope that I can in some small way change the perception of grief for those around me.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

It makes me so sad to learn that you are experiencing these insensitive comments. Grief is overwhelming and it takes a long, long time to heal. To say that grief support is interfering with your progress is dishonoring to your feelings and emotions. I applaud the fact that you are willing to reach out and share with others. It really does take a lot of courage to pour out your thoughts and feelings. But, the benefits abound as we are able to offer comfort to each other in a way that someone who has not experienced such a devastating loss can. Keep coming here. Keep sharing. We will listen, understand, and continue offer love and support. Hugs to you from afar.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

I'm with you on this one Steely. I don't want any presents. The only gift that would make me happy would be to have Brian back and I know that can't happen. The only gifts I want to give out are the guitars I bought for Brian's grandchildren. I saw them in a catalog shortly before Brian died and we talked about buying them. I bought them the week after he died. I will give them to Connor and Bella as gifts from their "Boom Boom."

I wish I could just hibernate and sleep from Thanksgiving through about mid-January. Then I wouldn't have to feel the pain or remember the memories of our wonderful holidays. I miss him so much.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thanks for sharing this sweet memory. I know that it is sad to think about our loved ones not seeing their grandchilden grow up. I feel the same way about Brian's grandson, Connor. He misses his "Boom Boom." The other week he told his mom he thought "Boom Boom" could part the fluffy clouds and come back to earth to see him. I wish that he could, too. I hope some day that our memories will make us smile . . . not yet. Hugs to you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Hi Debbie,

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. It's a huge step to return to work. Allow yourself grace if you find that you need to leave early. I hope that your co-workers are sensitive to your needs and your grieving process. There is no longer a "normal" and you should not be expected to conform to others' ideals. Be who you are with all of your sensitivity and compassion and know that you are never alone -- God and Dean are there to lift you up and to carry you when necessary. If you find that you need to speak to a friend, please call on me. I'll always be glad to listen.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

I am really concerned about how to handle the upcoming holidays. I'm planning to attend a grief support seminar on this topic and hope they offer some tips to make it manageable. I also made arrangements for my son and I to go to the beach on Thanksgiving and the day after. I just don't think I can be with my family and pretend that all is well.

The past few years Brian and I cooked Thanksgiving for his children, grandchildren, and my son. There was always a lot of commotion in our home. The night before we would make as many dishes ahead of time as possible but there would still be a lot to do in the morning. It was hectic but fun. I loved being in the kitchen with him. Brian was the better cook and he really enjoyed it. He always handled the turkey and I would make the side dishes--with his help. There was so much love in that kitchen and our table was filled with family and food. How am I going to get through this year? The beach will be quiet and serene. I hope I can find some solace for my broken soul. We're not going to attempt turkey or any usual Thanksgiving dishes. I guess we will create new traditions and new memories.

I'm also not sure how to handle Christmas or New Year's Eve. Both of these holidays are going to be so difficult without Brian. We had already talked about what we wanted to do for New Year's Eve this year. There's a bed and breakfast about an hour away from our home where we stayed for a night last winter. We were going to try to get a room and have dinner in their wonderful restaurant. It was going to be such a romantic evening -- just me and my love. Romance was high on our list of priorities and we did it well. I cherish my memories but they also break my heart.

Any ideas on getting through the holidays? I welcome all suggestions and tips. Thanks for listening and for caring, my friends. This journey is hard but it would be harder without all of you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Hi Phyllis,

I'm relatively new to this grief journey. I lost my beloved fiancee, Brian, seven weeks ago. It doesn't make me feel bad to know that you are still experiencing grief 8.5 months after you lost the love of your life. I understand that I will walk this path for a long, long time. I loved Brian very deeply and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. I hope that some day the happy memories of our life together will be in the forefront while the unbearable sadness and ache will reside somewhat. But I will never, ever "let him go." And, if anyone says those words to me, I will probably have to reconsider if it is someone I want to spend time with. Don't ever "let go" of the person you wanted to spend the rest of you life with. Don't ever let go of the love that you hold in your heart. Why would you want to? And, why do others think that you should? I've had a few people offer very insensitive condolences and I now do my best to avoid them. I surround myself with those who are willing to listen, to cry with me, to surround me with love and compassion. They are my true friends. I'm sending you hugs and prayers.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Oh, Mary Linda, if I were with you I would put my arm around you and let you cry for as long as you need to. Your loss is great and of course you need to continue to grieve. There is no "right" time frame. My loss is relatively new (7 weeks tomorrow) but I know that it is going to take me a really long time to walk this grief journey because our love was so great. Keep pouring out your feelings on this site. We will continue to listen and to offer our love and support. I extend my birthday wishes to your Tom and my prayers and thoughts to you. May you feel God's loving arms wrapped around you and may you continue to experience the love you shared with Tom deep in your heart and soul.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Oh, Steely,I feel your pain. I've been having a real difficult time getting up in the morning. I don't seem to have the motivation I need to live my life the way I used to. Try to hold on to the love that you had and remember that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. I'm told once the pain and the longing subside we will be able to reconnect to the strong, ever-lasting love that we had. Hold on for that feeling. Your husband is still your rock and your biggest supporter and he always will be. I think everything you are feeling and experiencing right now are "normal" -- I'm feeling the same way. Be gentle on yourself and remember to focus on the moment ahead. Don't look too far into the future for now because it will seem overwhelming and unmanageable. I'm sending love and hugs your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Kath,

Thanks for the beautiful imagery. I long for the day when I can hear Brian's praise and approval echo in my heart and for the pain to be in the background rather than the forefront. He was my biggest supporter as I prepare for my future ministry. I've been afraid that I might not be able to keep taking the necessasry steps without him. But I truly know that he is in heaven cheering me on . . . I just wish I could hear him now. Thanks again.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Oh, Kat, I'm here to listen any time . . . I understand. Everything you miss about Pat, I miss about Brian. We will walk through these shadows together, my friend. I wish it could be different. I wish we could both continue to be with our beloveds. I wish life didn't have to seem so deeply unfair. All we can do is work through the emotions when they come and honor the feelings in the hope that they will help us to heal our deeply broken hearts. Be gentle with yourself. The sadness you feel is a result of losing a love which was great. Hugs to you.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thanks. Today is a better day in some aspects. I was reading about prayer last night and realized that sometimes my prayer is more like a one-sided dialogue with God. Instead I need to open my heart and allow God to search for my pain and then hopefully healing can begin. I've been trying to recite "God give me peace" as my prayer. It has helped a bit. I'm not quite as sad today.

What is hurting today is the fact that my son has flu symptoms. He came home from college over the weekend and yesterday afternoon started feeling achey and tired. He now has a sore throat and a fever and has been sleeping most of the day. I stayed home from work because I got really scared even though he is 20. Brian had flu symptoms when he got sick and he told me he would be fine after a few days. Sadly he also had some type of infection in his leg which he didn't connect with how bad he was feeling. The infection is what took his life. I just need to be with Kevin to make sure he is ok. My irrational guilt tells me that I should have done this with Brian . . . but I know that I encouraged him to call the doctor and he really thought he would be ok. I keep trying to give the guilt away but at unexpected moments it comes back to me. I did talk about this with my counselor.

Thanks again for listening. I'm trying to walk this grief journey the only way that I can, one moment at a time.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Sadly, I cannot say I am a "widow." Brian and I met 3 1/2 years ago and planned to marry in August of 2011. Although we lived together, marrying earlier would have had financial my son is in college) and emotional ramifications (blended family / irrational ex-wife) so we were going slowly. Six months after we met, he asked me if I would become his wife when we were ready. A year later he bought me a beautiful ring and called it my "I will love you forever and always ring." In know that in our eyes and in the eyes of God we were totally committed to one another. I was more of a wife to him in 3 1/2 years than his wife had been in the many years they were married. But I'm still considered single in the eyes of the law. While I'm not a person to really be concerned about "labels" I was looking forward to the day when Brian and I would be married because we would have stood before our family and friends and pledged to love one another for always. I know that our friends and family could see how much we loved each other -- I've been told this mamy times since Brian passed away. It just hurts that so many of our hopes and dreams were cut short.

I understand that someday this devestating loss will help me in whatever ministry God calls me to (I'm currently a seminary student). I know that walking this grief journey will deepen my compassion and empathy toward others who will walk through these shadows. It's just so hard to be in this dark place right now. I waited so long to find Brian and after four days of being sick, he's gone. I'll carry on because of my son, Brian's children and grandchildren, my faith in God, and my need to honor Brian. But it is just so difficult right now.

Thanks for all the continued love and support. Hugs to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Hi Amy,

This weekend was extremely difficult for me, too. Not sure why but I cried and screamed because the pain became so intense. I also want peace for all of us. I just keep taking it moment by moment and try really hard not to look too far into the future. I think I'll go to the grief support group on Thursday evening. I'm glad that yours is tomorrow night. I will continue to hold you in my prayers. Hugs.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Hi Ted,

I'm so sorry that we all have to experience this deep sadness. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I want to run away but I know that the pain and the sorrow will follow me. I just want some peace. I want answers to questions which really have no answers. I want to know that Brian is okay and at peace. In my heart I know that he is with God but my a lot of really irrational thoughts enter my mind. Does he know that I love him and I will miss him for the rest of my life? Did I make him happy enough? I really do know that the answer to this is yes because he used to look at me and ask how he got so lucky to have me in his life. But I also know that I was the lucky one. Brian was so kind and humble. I imaginge he was amazed at how full the church was for his Celebration of Life service. He was an incredible songwriter and guitar player but he never thought he was that good. And, he truly played his songs for God -- not for applause or attention. He walked humbly and gently with God. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, and the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. What do I do now? How can I go on for the rest of my life without him? Some days I wish that God had called me home instead. Other times I wish we had been called together. Mostly I just want him back. Thanks for listening and for understanding.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Yesterday for some reason my mind began to think that Brian was at work and I started thinking about what we would do when he got home. Of course these thoughts were greeted with an overwhelming realization that Brian is gone and I am by myself. I miss him so much.

Hi Gayle,

The hurt and guilt are part of the grieving process. I wish that I could erase all of your pain but I am discovering there is no easy way out of the shadows in which we now walk. I lost my fiancee 6 1/2 weeks ago and the pain is mostly unbearable. The best advice I have received is to be gentle with myself, to remember to breathe, to eat when I can, to rely on the strength of family, friends and God, and to rest.

In the short time since Brian passed away, I've experienced numbness, guilt, anger, deep sadness, pain, and the unbearable longing to be with him. These are stages we will walk through and they are very fluid. Just when I think I'm letting go of the guilt, it rears its head again. I hear that time will ease the pain but I'm not even close to that point yet.

There are many people on this site who will listen, will offer comfort and support, and will understand the depth of your loss. I'm sending hugs and compassion your way.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

I understand. Go ahead and cry, scream, yell, throw something that you don't want, beat a pillow, write a letter to your husband. Do whatever you need to do to release those emotions. It is hard. It hurts really bad. I wish I had words which would erase your pain. I wish we didn't have to walk this grief journey. Remember to be gentle with youreslf. Remember that your loss is so fresh and so new. We are here to offer you love, compassion, and support. We all walk this path together. Hugs from Pa.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Brian and I used to look forward to the weekends. Usually we had something fun and exciting that we wanted to do. But even if we had no plans, we still had fun together. Now, I can't wait for the weekend to be over. Yesterday morning I was doing some homework for my class and my mind began to believe on some level that Brian waas at work (he was a letter carrier so he worked most Saturdays). I guess I tricked myself into believing all was "normal" and that he would be home after work. Of course the realization that he would not be coming home hit me and my emotions became overwhelming. I cried a lot yesterday. I screamed and yelled at the injustice. How can I continue to make it through the days which used to be our favorite? I struggle to do anything more that I absolutely have to do. Today I wish I could just sleep the entire day away because then I don't have to think. I don't have to remember. This grief journey is so hard and I am so tired. It seems like any small progress I make can be erased by the sadness which permeates throughout my entire soul. There is no where to run. There is no where to hide. Reality follows me wherever I go. And the memories I cherish continue to torment me. I know six weeks is a short time to have processed the trauma of this shocking loss but it is a long time to live without the man I love.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

I understand. The month date was just so very difficult. I couldn't believe that I had lived a month without Brian. Hold on to those memories and to your love. When I read your words, I can feel the depth of your love. How beautiful it is to read that he thought you were the best thing that happened to him . . . Brian used to say that to me also. I guess it is true that when love is so great and so deep, the loss will be just as deep and so very painful. Honor all the emotions you are feeling. Be very gentle on yourself. This loss is new and the trauma is great. I'm here to listen whenever you need me. Hugs from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Hi Amy,

I think I'm going to start going to the grief support group. I plan to attend a grief seminar later this morning on surviving the holidays. I am scared to face Thanksgiving and Christmas without Brian. There is also a group which meets weekly and I think I will start to attend. Thanks for sharing your experience and for the encouragement. Life is so hard right now but we need to find a way to live and to survive.

Peace, love, and blessings to you my friend.

Linda

Linda - I remember a comment someone made to me when I was only a few weeks out. I was working in my deli, and an older woman came in, a widow herself - we were the only two in the store. She said when she heard the news, she thought of me every time she passed by, but this time she wanted to come in and talk. She said "you're like a raw wound right now - it will have to heal from the inside out, and it will take time". I've remembered that. Think of this: if you had suffered a physical injury, you would give yourself the time you needed to heal. This is no different, worse, but no different. At 16 months, I try to cut myself a break, allow the feelings to flow through me and not fight them. I hope this helps a little bit - Hugs, Marsha

Hi Marsha,

Thank you. I know that my wound is still raw and fresh. I am trying to honor each and every emotion and feeling that I am experiencing. I feel so fragmented and so lost. I try not to look into the future because it becomes so overwhelming. Sometimes the pain just takes control. Today is a very bad day. I've screamed, I've cried, I've felt as if I cannot go on. Fortunately my son is home for the evening. He has held me as I cried and told me that I must keep trying because that is what Brian would want. Brian wants me to live. Some days it is not what I want but I keep going with the hope that one day the pain will ease just a bit. I'll live for Brian who was so filled with life and laughter. I'll go on so that he can live through me. I'll live with the knowledge that God is with me and one day when it is time God will reunite me with Brian. With God there is always hope.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Oh, it's another bad day. Getting ready to go pick up my son. Hope it helps to be with him. Last night three friends came over and it was a "better" night. We had some pizza and drank some wine. I'm really fortunate to have a video of Brian which was taped at our church. It's only about 2 minutes long but he's answering questions about God. Sometimes it's hard to watch and other times it is a comfort. I also have two audio recordings of Brian singing and playing guitar. Again, they are bittersweet but at least I can hear him. We watched and listened to these memories last night. We are all having a hard time dealing with this loss.

Today it is a beautiful sunny day. For a while my mind tricked me into believing it was a normal Saturday with Brian at work and me at home studying. Then the reality hit me and I sobbed uncotrolbably. I started yelling and screaming at God. While I don't believe that God actually took Brian away, I needed to release the sadness and anger which were welling up in my soul. It is an injustice. I want to get off this grief journey.

Thanks again for listening my friends. Somehow, someway, we will make it and we will experiencing healing. I guess it just takes a longe time.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

So after a few "relatively" better days, today I just feel so sad and so heartbroken. Everything I do and everywhere I go there are reminders of Brian. I'm sitting at work right now and tears are roling down my cheeks. I just don't know how to put the pieces of myself back together. I am so fragmented and so filled with grief. I know that it's only been a bit over six weeks and perhaps I am just expecting too much from myself. When will it get easier? When will the overwhelming sadness begin to ease? I miss Brian so much and I just continue to feel it is just unfair that our life together was cut way too short. I am surrounded by love, support, and comfort but I long and ache only for Brian to comfort me. I know that he is with me and I know that God is holding me up, but I want to physically feel Brian puts his arms around me and tell me that all will be well.

I am also exhausted. The past two nights I actually fell to sleep before 1:00 a.m. and only woke up once or twice during the night. But, I still feel drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess I will try to rest as much as possible over the weekend. My son is going to come home from college Saturday afternoon and stay until Sunday evening or Monday morning. At least our home won't be empty for a few days.

Thanks again for listening to my laments. I guess I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my mind. Does anyone else feel like they are going crazy sometimes? Hugs to you all.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

Thank you Linda...what a beautiful letter...I still do not know how to put a photo on this forum...do you...??? I keep reading the Grief book in hopes that something will change with my sadness...when I come here I read, post and sometimes feel better and sometimes worse...but all the time I feel heard and loved...we are all in the same boat and the Lord is pulling us along...I keep myself so busy sometimes that I'm really worn out... but when you stop, then you hear the quiet and it is deafening...Love to you Dear Linda...Rochel

Good morning, Rochel,

I tried several times to put a pic of Brian and me on this site but it didn't work. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong.

Your post mirrors what I'm feeling and doing. I keep reading and searching for a "cure" which will make this intense sadness go away -- if even for a short while. I turn to God and ask for relief and I constantly ask Brian to give me the strength to go on. He was my foundation in life and I really need him to be my strengh even though he's not physically present. I also try to keep busy -- work, school, seeing friends and family. I don't like being home alone too much because I hear the silence, look at pictures, and become devastated over and over. But, now I am feeling exhausted.

Take good care of yourself, my friend. Keep pouring out your pain on this site. We are listening and we are offering you love and support. Somehow we will get through this together. We understand each other's grief.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda