Ron B.

Debbie, Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I feel some remorse for 'unloading' my grief on others here, but I have no where else to turn. I can hardly read posts in these forums, because the grief of others simply overwhelms me. But, I have browsed these forums, so I have some idea of the grief that lurks among us. Yes I am surprised at the persistence of grief. I keep thinking that I am supposed to learn from this experience, but then I think, learn what? I find myself swimming in raw emotion, and sometimes I don't know what to make of it. To be honest, my current grief is less about my Mom, and more about the woman I recently bonded to. Just last night I phoned her and began to understand she wants to go her own way. Thank you for mentioning the obvious, that after a heart attack it's wise to see a doctor. It's only when someone cares, that I'm prompted to take any action. Made an appointment with my doctor after I read your post this morning. I saw a counselor several times about my grief and loss, but then stopped going. Figured I was getting over it. Well, I sure got that wrong. Now I see that I really do need the help. Plenty more pain before I get through this. God grant that I learn something. Thanks again. Ron B.

Lost my Mom to leukemia 3 months ago, in early November. Grief hit me hard throughout December. Now it's late January, and I thought the grief would ease up. Instead it's rough. Despair and crying, sometimes for hours. Found some hope; I bonded with a caring and soulful woman. But now that seems to be floundering. More grief. Then several days ago, I had a heart attack. Or so I think. Felt like someone stood on my chest for 6 or 7 minutes. Lost my job last July, when taking time off to be my Mother's caregiver. Still unemployed. So where does this road lead, that started with the illness and death of my Mother? Has your grief eased up as months passed? Did you get any kind of education out of the process of grieving? Thanks in advance, Ron B.

Being 'frozen' is ok. You are simply in shock. Give yourself time. Your feelings will eventually thaw, and you will know what to do. I too recently lost a family member, my mother. What's different is that I was able to prepare for this loss. I spent months in constant contact with my Mom. I went through all the family photo albums with her, and she told me so many stories of her life. I was her caregiver for months when she was ill. I was with her when she died. We scattered flowers and her ashes out to sea; it was beautiful. I've been able to grieve with my siblings. Your loss is much more difficult. You had no advanced warning. You were thousands of miles away. Weren't able to attend her memorial service. No chance to go home, hug your Mom, or be with family and friends. No chance to say goodbye. At least you have a good handle on some of your feelings, for example, about not looking at your sister's photos. Respect that feeling! Obviously it's not the right time for you to do a photo scrapbook. One thing that may help "crack the ice" is just to talk with family, friends, or a counselor. Eventually the feeling of shock will lift, and you will find ways to dignify the memory of your sister. S uvazheniem, (with respect) Ron. B

December 5th, 2009 A month has passed since I lost my mother to leukemia. Now I grieve a dozen times or more each day. At times I cannot speak and hold my mouth wide open in wordless pain. Disbelief. Tears. Strange, but I welcome this grief. For me it's cathartic. Feels like I'm shedding the skin of an old self. I seem to be more open to the world, more interested in other people, more willing to engage. I look around and see the natural beauty of autumn is stunning. There is nothing debilitating about this grief, other than I sometimes get caught teary-eyed in public. My functionality is actually better. I just carefully plod through each day. I saw a psychologist/counselor, who told me that grief was "horrible". Becoming emotionally upset can be unpleasant, sure. But I told the counselor directly, that I did not think that grief was "horrible" at all. For me grief was a good thing, a vehicle for personal growth. The psychologist/counselor initially choked on my "grief is good" talk, but later seemed to like the idea. It's not that I enjoy plunging into tears. It's about the quality of memories that I have of my mother. Some memories are painful, but it's an honest kind of pain. I just let the memory and the pain wash over me. Ron B.