Ron B.

laidymondegreen, What a beautiful tribute to your grandmother! About lack of support from siblings and other family, I can identify with that strongly. There may be another good option for support, by the way, if you can not afford the fees charged by mental health professionals. Marty, our resident grief counselor, has mentioned on several occasions that county mental health organizations often provide free grief support groups for the bereaved. If you and your husband could attend these group sessions together, perhaps he would become more sensitized to the issues of grief and support for the bereaved. It's just a suggestion; I'm not sure it would work. And about men being generally less sensitive about grief, well I am not sure about that at all . Your post fits these forums perfectly. I am glad you found us. Ron B.

Hi Melina. To be honest, I really was worried about you when you first started posting. But I am not worried any more. You have expressed your grief quite clearly and have been painfully honest about it. You have tagged specific problems, including substance abuse. Though the pain of grief continues, it looks clear to me that you are coping. It can be hard to see our own progress through grief. Sometimes others have to point it out for us. Which is to answer your question. Yes you will make it. There's more process of grief ahead, but you have been through the first and worst crush of it. No we can't make all the pain go away, but at least we can negotiate our way through it. The 'grief work' is exhausting, you are right about that. But we/you/me can deal with exhaustion. About anticipating a life alone without your mate, I have some perspective for you. I have never had that shared life. Ever. I think you are lucky to have had it. I hope to find it. Count your blessings! That might help you worry a bit less. Ron B.

Cheryl, Your post moved me to track down a passage from the Bible (Ecclesiastes 3:1), attributed to King Solomon. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. Somehow this helps me make sense of our grief and our healing. Ron B.

Janet, It's not that hard to evoke emotion. I have a collage of some 40 photos of my Mother. It was produced for her memorial service, then I acquired it. It hangs on my kitchen wall. Every single day my eyes meet my Mom whenever I prepare a meal. Her photos as a child are adorable. Her teenage years, early marriage, mid-life and later years are all there. These photos evoke emotion within me. They help me feel her legacy. To be honest about it, these photos would have been too powerful for me at 6 weeks. But at 10 months they work well. When you are ready, something like a photo collection of your Mom may bring out the right kind of feeling. There may be other things from your Mom that make a good connection. Memorializing your Mom and bringing out her legacy is a way of dealing with the emotion that comes with grief. Don't rush anything; eventually you will find the right things at the right time. Ron B.

Hi jg2010. Those thoughts about your Mom and the breaches of emotion are certainly hard to control. The grief will surface at home, at school, at work, while in transit, while you are with friends, while you are alone, and in most every other circumstance. Letting grieving thoughts and emotions surface seems to be more 'ok' when we are by ourselves. Having emotion surface while in public, on the other hand, can be awkward. So here is my suggestion. If you can, let your feelings surge without trying to control them when in private. It's healthy to give emotion some expression. It's ok to have a good cry when commuting in your car; this is not going to interfere with anything else, so long as you can still pay attention to your driving. Or when you are studying, don't force yourself to concentrate on reading texts for overly long stretches of time. Give in to thoughts of your Mom if other people are not around. Take as many short breaks as you need to, so long as a substantial portion of your time still gets committed to the work. Keeping a journal handy could be an aid to focusing your grief, so it doesn't constantly stray into other domains where you have obligations. Public expression of emotion, on the other hand, is rougher going. We are more likely to enforce composure over loose emotions so they don't spill out uncontrollably. Restraint in public expression of emotion is entirely natural, but total restraint is overboard; we just can't bottle everything up. So you are doing very well if you just express yourself honestly, if only briefly. This will ease some of your grief. I personally have a very difficult time talking about feelings or opening up to other people. My stomach gets in knots, I get slightly confused, and I just want to bail out of any interaction as soon as possible. Nevertheless, when someone actually understands and shares my feelings, it feels like a God-sent cure for grief. Other people are definitely part of the solution. What I am saying is don't forget about your Mom at all. Don't treat these thoughts and emotions as 'intrusive'. Give them expression, at least in your private life. It's even better when you can share some of your grief with others. We all develop strategies for coping; you will find your own style. Marty here calls the effort we make 'grief work'. It involves systematic practice doing things we know will foster our recovery, even when it's a struggle. At 6 weeks your grief is raw; I think 3 months tends to be the time when we start gaining confidence and clarity. The progress we make is less about gaining control over grief and more about finding expression for grief. That's the cure, as best I understand it. Ron B.

Melina, I too had a moment when I thought of killing myself. Others here have had these thoughts, but we are all still here. Desperation is not the same thing as planned action. Somehow the will to live prevails in us, though we go through a lot of desperate thinking. Here are things that might help you. Hugs from your son. The legacy of your husband. The kindness of others, where ever you can find it. Nature and the out of doors, an antidote to internal gloom. I worry that your sedatives may be working too well, making you groggy, clouding your mind, and leaving you cooped up indoors. Do you get out of doors at all? Just the exercise of walking can help elevate your mood. In the long term, you do have the ability to re-chart your life. This can be done gradually, over months and years. In the short term, just pick yourself up the best you can. Do the small things that help you get through each day. I do not have complete answers. My partial answers may not fit you. I only know for me life is precious, and desperate thoughts do not deserve equal consideration. Ron B.

Jennalee - I lost my Mom. Like you, I stayed with other family at first. Then when I went home, alone, my grief just crushed me. Somehow I got through those first weeks. Cried every day, had anger, and much despair. But I survived. So will you. Just take things one day at a time. Get all the support from family, friends, (and pets!) that you can. Find activities that help you cope. I did journaling and bike-riding. Many of us find grief counselors and/or mental health professionals to guide us through this difficult time. This forum is quite supportive; all of us are going through similar kinds of grief. Just talking about it helps a lot. Glad you found us. - Ron B.

Melina, The scattering of ashes can be accompanied with flowers. When my Mom passed, we chartered a boat and scattered not only her ashes, but flowers too. While the ashes grey the water, the flowers float and mark the place. Even from a distance the flowers are quite beautiful and help make the occasion memorable. Ron B.

Hi jg2010. I also lost my Mother some 10 months ago, but the circumstances were better. My Mother had leukemia, and we had almost two years notice to prepare. I and my siblings became her caregivers, and we got in all the quality time that we could. Having your Mom pass unexpectedly, without having the chance to even say a 'good-bye' seems so brutal and undeserved. I'm sorry it happened that way. Some of us question God over these things, and if you have to do that you are not alone. Many of us here have walked that path. That you can articulate your emotions is definitely going to help you through the grieving process. 'Lost'? That one word best describes my own initial grief. In the course of months I have gradually been able to find my bearings, as have most others here. Somehow we reconcile ourselves and rechart our lives. But the grief is such a colossal struggle. Pasting up mere words about it doesn't begin to capture its gravity. The wild swings of emotion have been likened to roller-coaster rides, where we have to hang on for dear life and just ride it through. The consensus here is that there is no getting around the grief, rather we/you have to pass through it. Open expression of emotion seems to help, if you can do that. The cultural expectation that men shouldn't cry is hogwash; it's probably one of the most healthy things you can do. I still cry most every day over the loss of my mother, and I am glad for it. Many of us have regular 'meltdowns', by which I mean there are times when emotion overcomes us and we lose all composure. That is normal when grieving, and almost completely out of our control. It also happens at times and in places that can be awkward. At work and with friends I just started becoming honest and a bit blunt; I'd ditch the polite conversational rituals. A number of friends have caught me in tears, but I've become ok with that. To some extent we can choose where, when, and with whom we grieve. Maybe there are places and times and people that are special to you. Line up whatever makes you feel better in the course of your day or week or month. That'll help you corral some of your grief. For me it was nighttime bike rides, often in the rain, that got me through the first two months. Nothing felt so good as the cold rain washing away my tears. Everybody here has different ways of coping. Find those things that fit you well. Some examples - Take walks, keep a journal, meet with friends, find a quiet time each day, just do whatever helps. As you think through and feel so many things, it might help if you cut yourself a bit of slack. There is a lot of pressure on us as we go through grief; so treat yourself kindly if you possibly can. Glad you found us, Ron B.

Suzanne, I am impressed by the story of your siblings, who had what you thought were irreconcilable differences. And then seeing them arm in arm? That is healing. How far that healing process goes, I don't know, but it's there. I have had a very similar conflict with my sister for a number of years. My mind is so fixated on past wrongs, that sometimes I think I never want to see my sister again. I acquire these convictions in reaction to emotional pain. And then I become self-righteous and hard-hearted. Sometimes I am so self-righteous, that I think I know how I am going to feel weeks, months, and years from now. But when I look back 5 or 10 years, I see that some of my convictions have eroded. Moreover, I see how I mishandled some family issues. I surrender to the realization that the conflict I have with my sister is self-destructive. I try to bury my anger and let some healing take place. So there I am, caught between living conflict and a quest for healing. What have I learned? For starters, I distrust my own self-righteousness. For lack of better words, I trust 'God' or 'Time' or 'Nature' to aid the healing process. Healing takes place on its own terms. My own self-centered convictions based on emotional pain probably do more to hinder than aid any healing. So can we 'choose' how we feel? Probably not so much in the given moment. I can not pretend at all that I am feeling happy when I am sad, or have interest when sickened at heart, or have social inclination when I want to be left alone. On that point I agree with you; we have genuine feelings that have a persistence and strength that we have to recognize. No amount of pretending or masking over is going to make our feelings of grief turn to joy. It is in the broader time perspective that I disagree with you. We have to reconcile ourselves with the passing of spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. Our emotions of grief are not permanently fixed in place; we evolve over time and somehow survive the loss. I believe we have the choice of how we cope. If we find a positive legacy in the life that's lost, it can be a beacon to light our way forward, if we so choose. We can also get completely stuck in our loss and live with persistent sadness and despair, if we so choose. In this long term context, I do believe we choose our own feelings. What I find incomprehensible is when people say how they are going to be feeling years down the line. I think, how do they know? Or how do I know how I am going to be feeling in 5 or 10 years time? Honestly I don't know. I only trust I will grow, and somehow learn from loss. For me the beauty of nature and human kindness generate enough positive emotion within me to get me through each day. I still care about a lot of things, and there is so much I want to do before I am gone. I just do not understand when people say that they have given up on life and are waiting for God to take them. I keep thinking that there have got to be things worth living for that will sustain a person even through the worst of grief. Ron B.

Melina, I may be able to help just a bit with your panic attacks. My mother experienced several severe panic attacks daily in the months before she died. We had two methods of helping her cope with these attacks. The first was a medication called xanax. The xanax took about 1/2 hour to take effect. The other method was physical contact; I would rub my mother's back from the onset of the attack, until she calmed down, about 45 minutes. The combination of medication and back-rubs worked very well; it relieved her anxiety rather completely, but only until the next panic attack hit some hours later. There are many other effective medications, besides xanax, to help with anxiety and panic. A physician could probably prescribe something that would give you some relief from persistent anxiety. The back-rubs I gave my Mom were probably just as important in reducing her anxiety. Human touch can be healing; sometimes it's the only thing that can get through. My family then discovered that our mother's panic attacks were directly related to other heavy medication she was taking at the time, oxycontin. While heavily dosed on oxycontin, the panic attacks were regular and unstoppable. We then decided her panic attacks were worse than her physical pain, so we dropped the oxycontin medication, and an amazing thing happened. No more panic attacks. Problem solved. You had mentioned, Melina, that you have been taking sedatives. I do no know whether taking these drugs makes you more liable to have panic attacks, but I suspect there may be a connection. While on oxycontin my Mother could not even read a book and the fog in her mind was thick. It was like oxycontin stole her soul. Once off of oxycontin she was back to reading entire books, and her strength of mind returned in full. I've had my own experience with panic attacks too. After my Mother passed away, I used mild intoxicants to numb my pain. Then one day I had what I thought was a heart attack. I sprawled out on my bed for ten minutes with chest tightness and difficulty breathing. Days later my doctor told me it was a panic attack, and a series of tests to rule out a heart problem confirmed her diagnosis. After my own panic attack I immediately stopped using intoxicants, and I have not had a panic attack since. So goes my personal belief; numbing our pain with drugs and intoxicants does nothing to help with anxiety. I much prefer to be stone cold sober when having any issue with anxiety. I have also found a good source of information about panic attacks from the American Psychological Association. They write that panic attacks are quite treatable, and that being educated about their nature is part of the cure. The American Psychological Association on panic attacks: http://www.apa.org/topics/anxiety/panic-disorder.aspx# With virtual hugs, Ron B.

Hello Tracy. I read your post when first written a week ago, but like others here, didn't have anything to say at the time. But you set me to thinking. Made me realize that I did not grieve in the weeks and months after my own father died in 2002. And my reason is the same as yours. After the funeral service, I went back to work, far away from family. I could have and should have taken time off from work to grieve with other family members, but I did not. I had a conflict with my sister, and that alone kept me away from the rest of my family. Feelings of anger towards my sister prevailed over feelings of mourning for my father. Now, 8 years later, I feel remorse. Delayed grief? Maybe a bit of that. Anyways, your story of discovering your half-siblings is remarkable! Of course communicating with them about your father is going to well up emotions. That's got to be a good thing. Even the grief is good; it is an honoring of your father. My own family situation is similar to yours in another way. Three generations ago one side of my extended family split off. No communication now for decades. Is it possible to pick up the pieces some 40 years on? I don't know! But at least I'm thinking about it. Thank you for budging my mind to think about things left behind long ago. Ron B.

CherylAnn, I too lost both parents, my father in 2002, and my mother in November of 2009. When my father passed, I somehow accepted it and 'moved on'. When my mother passed, now 9 months ago, grief swallowed me whole. I am still struggling. 1) About sleep, a lot of people here have had issues with sleep, including me. I couldn't keep a regular sleep schedule, I'd stay awake thinking, I'd sleep only about five hours, and then my energy would 'crash' in the afternoons, so I'd take naps. Never previously did I have the habit of taking afternoon naps, and I still occasionally do this. One thing did help with my sleep, and that was daily exercise. I started swimming at a local city pool, and I bike-ride up local hills. I figure it must burn off some of my nervous energy, because I am sleeping more soundly. 2) About the duration of grief, it seems to vary widely with different people and their situations. My physician told me that 6 months is a normal grieving period, after which most people 'move on'. I am at 9 months, and I am still grieving. I try not to share my grief with strangers. To friends I am more open about it. If they don't want to listen, then I don't talk. If they show concern, I'll tell them directly how I feel. But I try not to belabor the issue with too much talk. The only occasion I have to talk in depth about my grief is with a psychologist; I have been seeing this health professional for several months. Yes, there are ways to heal. The support of family and friends can help greatly. Just having your feelings understood by another human being is definitely part of the cure. Verbalizing grief in other ways can help. In the first months I kept a journal, which helped me find expression for very complex and volatile emotions. Openly expressing emotion also seems to help, whether it be negative emotions like crying (sadness) and anger, or positive emotions like interest and joy. Love can heal, if you can find it. I read self-help literature, and it does fill my head with ideas about healing, but I must say it's difficult to find literature of good quality. Everybody on this site has different ways to go about healing; I only mention the things I do. 3) My entire family had some difficulty with each other during the illness and passing of my mother. I think this friction is a normal reaction to stress, but my family did come partially unglued. My sister gained control of my mother's estate, took a lawyer's advice as the word of God, locked us out of the family home, threw my possessions out of the house, got verbally abusive with me, and I think you know how this goes. It's horrible. My response, other than having a nervous breakdown, was to get professional help from a psychologist. I developed a coping strategy. I blew off my anger, repeatedly. I started reading literature on forgiveness. Now when I communicate with my sister, mostly through email, it's only about very positive things. My last communication with her was a gift, a cookbook I compiled of my mother's recipes. I am trying to bury the hatchet through acts of kindness. I do not know any other way to make progress. 4) Mood swings are completely normal for grief. Most of us are coping with sadness and despair, and sometimes these emotions overwhelm us. We call the more volatile mood-swings 'meltdowns', when we completely lose composure and are swept away by raw emotion. I had daily meltdowns in the first months, and now it happens less often, once every week or two. I still cry almost every day over the passing of my mother, and I am a grown man of 55. The idea that men are supposed to tough it out and show no emotion is, I think, not a healthy expectation. By the way, some level of depression is pretty common among people who are grieving. How long do the mood swings last? I really don't know; I am still in the thick of it. I hope the people here can be of help to you. They have helped me. Ron B.

Aquarius, Well, if you don't get any understanding from your siblings, you know you can get it here. About feeling that you need to be hospitalized, I think you might have a reasonable alternative. Psychologists and counselors can not prescribe medication; only a psychiatrist or a doctor can do that. You might be stuck in a depression right now, and there is very good medication available for depression. If it's some other disorder you've got, then a shrink can diagnose that too, and probably find meds that will help. I am not advocating meds as a solution to grief. It's just something that will help get you through the very worst times. It can help stop your mood from plunging into black despair. When you write here, Aquarius, I identify strongly with your feelings. My own situation has been similar. One of my siblings got control of my Mom's estate, locked me out of my Mom's house, threw out my possessions, and has been verbally abusive. Sound familiar? Other people here (like me!) are going through the same things as you. The first two months after my Mom's passing were horrible. Now nine months have passed, and my grief is bearable. Maybe you are the only one in your family that really understands the depth of loss and grief. You get it, they don't. That means more of your humanity is intact, and their's is, well, a bit shallow. I hope Marty and others here can give you other suggestions and clear guidance. Thank you for your post; it helps me too. Ron B.

Melina, The ceremonies that we go through when a loved-one dies help a lot. Grieving together at a funeral service bonds people together in a collective kind of strength. For that time you are not alone in your grief; the burden is shared. That's what helps make the pain bearable. After my mother died last November, almost all of my closest friends and family came to the memorial service. Honoring my mother on that occasion meant everything to me. Likewise, honoring your deceased husband should help get you through this difficult time. So, keep yourself together as best as you can until the service. If you need help from us, from friends, from family, or from a mental heath professional, all you have to do is ask. Sharing and expressing your grief is the way to alleviate the pain. Ron B.

Dear Melina, I personally do not believe the pain ever completely goes away. It just becomes more bearable, but that takes some time. Almost all of us here have experienced this pain of grief in full measure. For me it was the passing of my mother last November. I had no idea that grief could hit so hard. Pain, loss, desperation, wild swings of emotion, complete disruption of my life. I do not believe anybody else can know these feelings without having lost a loved one. That's the value of this community; others here know these feelings; you will be understood. The pain, though overwhelming, also expresses the depth to which we can care for another human being. That caring and devotion is a strength you have; it will help guide you through your grief. For me it's the legacy of my mother that I struggle to preserve, however painful the process. Likewise, the memory and legacy of your husband will help carry you through this difficult time. About 'guilt', most of us here have rehashed what we could have done to forestall or prevent our loved one's passing. Others here have called this the would've, could've, should've syndrome. We can be savage with ourselves when grief hits hardest; so please give yourself a break. With time you will get clear without having to lay heavy layers of blame on yourself. I too was with my mother as she died, holding her and speaking to her, though she was unconscious. I can not speak or write about his without emotion. Though your own grief is now so raw and crushing, you will get through it. People here say take one day at a time. About disturbed sleep, there are a number of good posts here about coping with that. Daily exercise helped me. Better quality sleep medications are also available, but you would need a prescription from a physician. About seeing your love in a dream, there are a number of posts here about that too. About the emotional 'why' of losing a loved one; I'm not sure anybody here can give a good answer. There is a lot of discussion here about God and faith; that might help. Please, treat yourself kindly. Ron B.

Starkiss - I have seen psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors for many years, and they have been both men and women. I know it's difficult talking to somebody you hardly know about intimate and personal things. I too am shy almost to the point where it's debilitating. My friends are few and I get very uncomfortable spilling my guts out to a complete stranger. If you are uncomfortable with a particular mental health professional, you have the choice of shopping around for somebody else. I also know that feeling of being labeled by a psychiatrist; I once got a diagnosis that scared me. That particular shrink was an old Freudian and somewhat of a nasty fellow. Please find someone with whom you can be comfortable. Personally I go into therapy sessions with specific things I want to talk about, so that I have firm thoughts that keep me grounded. Just like you find comfort in these forums, you should be able to develop some kind of trusting relationship with a mental health professional, else just move on to someone else! By the way, i found an excellent book on shyness. It is titled: Shyness: What It Is. What to Do About It. It's written by Philip Zimbardo, who is a professor at Stanford University. Zimbardo has researched shyness systematically. He really understands. If you can not find a copy, I can send you one. Take care, Ron B.

Missyme, I am zeroing out my first reply to your post. I sometimes charge in to give advice, when I really don't understand what's going on. So no advice from me now; just a hope that you and your mom find healthy ways to cope with the grief. Ron B.

Hi Megan. I think you are absolutely right in trying to remove intense negative emotion out of your life. These emotions, like anger and hatred, can wreck our own peace of mind and make our lives hellish. And yes there are ways of rooting out this negative emotion. The most direct approach is to get professional help from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. Not everybody can get this kind of help, because it can cost both your time and money. Some people are able to find good support through other family, relatives, and friends. This forum can also be a good resource. The main thing is to start talking, get feedback from others, and make your own decisions about what to do. I agree completely that you are entitled to discover the legacy of your father on your own terms. You do not have to believe any version of events or history handed down to you with prejudice by your mother or stepfather. It is probably very painful just trying to understand why your mother and stepfather have this prejudice. They may be completely wrong, but figuring that out is part of what will free you. When you can put together a more honest picture of who your dad was, then you will get some of the closure your are seeking. The reason I responded to your post is that I too have been coping with serious negative emotion. I have had such anger towards my sister that I did not speak to her for 7 years. I am really trying to heal that, but it is difficult. In the last few months I've been getting professional help. I've also been posting in this forum and reading self-help literature. I suppose the briefest description of what I've been told and what I've been trying to do is "letting go". Letting go of my anger, letting go of wrongs that happened long ago. None of this is easy. I've been trying to practice 'forgiveness' too, and this helps free me from constantly dwelling on past events that caused me so much pain. With a little guidance you will be able to work through issues with your father, mother, and stepfather. There are plenty of compassionate people who will support you in your journey through grief. There is plenty of love in the world, and no good reason to be consumed by anger and hatred. Ron B.

Hi Stan. I'll be very direct in responding to your ideas about coping with death. About the 'premise' of your upcoming book, you write: "Despite the love people feel for the person who is dying, they struggle during those final months, weeks, or days unsure of what to say or do." Well, to be honest about it, that doesn't match with my experience. I had an unusually strong conviction that I was doing the right things all through my mother's illness and passing. I was one of her caregivers, and I have never been devoted to any task so completely in all my life. I know I did the right things. Which isn't to shoot down your premise, it's only to say that some people like me negotiate the dying days of a family member very well. It's dealing with the grief afterwards that has caused me so much trouble. You write: "No one has taught them about the nuts and bolts of dying." Can death and dying really be broken down into to a "nuts and bolts" type of experience? Perhaps the metaphor is just awkward, because otherwise I like your idea that we can learn and acquire skills in coping with death and subsequent grief. You write: "Do you believe that a book of this type might be beneficial to people who are about to lose a loved one?" Yes, I think you have a good topic that could possibly act as a set of general guidelines to assist people coping with a dying family member. The only hesitation I have in endorsing your project is about the generally poor quality of self-help literature. No doubt you have pawed through shelves of self-help literature, as have I. Many of these self-help books are written by non-professionals, whose expertise is broadly open to question. So long as your book gives real detail of your own experience working with the dying in hospices and with their families, then it acquires an authenticity that can be compelling. On the other hand, the quality of self-help literature can deteriorate quickly when issues are oversimplified and when one-size-fits-all solutions are offered. I'm hoping your book completely avoids this predigested pabulum of pop-psychology. I do like the selected list of topics you plan to cover in your book. In reading through the list, I see most chapters cover the period when the dying are still alive. However, it's in the months after my mother died when my grief hit hardest; that's where I need help. For example, dealing with my siblings in dividing up my mother's estate has been a wrenching experience. Oh well, the scope of your book perfectly matches with your experience in hospice, and I can't expect you to offer instant solutions to my own lengthy ordeal with grief. Good luck with the writing; keep it real. Ron B.

Suzanne, You wrote, "I know that there are others who are trying so desperately to get through their grief but I am unable to." This may sound weird, but I want to feel every bit of my grief, to its depths, and I'm not looking for it to pass as soon as possible. Memories of my deceased mother are precious to me and at the same time painful. Without that pain, I will never know the gravity of my loss. I believe you know this grief and pain beyond what i have experienced, in that I still have small joys and welcome the sunshine. The only way I can see to alleviate some of your grief is in what a fellow poster here, Kavish, has written. He writes that our loved ones are still with us. At first I didn't get his meaning, but eventually I realized it's the legacy of our loved ones in our own memory that keeps us going. You thoroughly know your husband's character, and you know the things he would say and do in a given circumstance. You can ask yourself, what would he want for you now, or how he would advise you? Then you just try to follow what you know his advice would be. I don't completely understand Kavish's faith that our loved ones are still with us, but he certainly communicates the power of that belief. In short, the legacy of your husband can be a beacon to light your way through these dark times. Ron B.

I don't think you are venting, rather you are asking the right questions. In answer to your header, no I do not believe we ever stop hurting completely. I believe the hurt just recedes and becomes more bearable with time. Why do terrible things happen to good people? Intellectually and factually speaking, we all know the answer to that question; we are born mortal, and we all know we can die. As to how we handle the emotional impact of death, that is a vastly more complex question. This whole site is devoted to helping people answer that very question. In time I believe we learn how to handle our grief, and our emotions grow more wise. Eventually we learn to accept what has happened. Why would God take a newborn's mother away? I'm not so sure God made that decision. Keep questioning religion, especially if it helps you find answers! You do have your wife's legacy in your precious newborn daughter. May she live a prosperous and caring life! Welcome to this gathering of grieving souls; I am glad you found us. - Ron B.

Aquarius - I too am dealing with siblings, one of whom has caused me extraordinary trouble. My sister gained control of my mother's estate, and the first thing she did was lock me out of my mother's house! This was done according to a lawyer's advice, so that no other sibling would loot the family estate. Isn't that interesting how lawyers insert distrust within a family? But my sister loved it, because she really is a control freak. Next she threw all of my possessions out of the house, not as trash, but rather she dumped them all on me when I had flown in for a visit. I had no way to carry all the stuff back to my home! Then I talked to my sister on the phone, trying to upright our relationship, and all she could do was berate me for an hour and a half, expressing years of resentment, and and listing all the faults of my character. It got so nasty, and I became so upset, that I had to seek out a professional psychologist to cope with my haywire emotions. My brothers are more open and soulful people, but even with them there have been issues. It's just a real rough time. Overall, my strategy has been to withdraw from any conflict with siblings, but sometimes I have to participate in matters regarding the estate. To be honest about it, I literally can't stand being around my sister at all, she is repugnant to me, but I will have to face her in the future, and be pleasant about it too! So feel reassured that you are not the only person here with serious sibling issues; I know what it is about. I hope you find constructive ways to engage your siblings, as the alternative is to dive into your own hurt feelings, and then things can get worse. Gain strength from others here, or anywhere you can. Eventually you will get through this difficult time with your integrity intact. - Ron B.

Mary Linda - I deliberately left out a picture of my Mom. Just looking at one of her photos can make me cry. The memories are still too tender. I did briefly mention my mother's passing in the introduction, and then got on with a description of her recipes. I distributed the cook book at a family reunion, giving out about 20 copies. Now I have to print more copies for other family members. Aquarius - Thank you for the supportive comment. Like you, I am going through the grief of losing a Mother. Putting together the little cook book helped me focus my energies, instead of feeling so emotionally disarrayed. I am convinced that finding and preserving legacy is a good path through grief.

Well, I've finished the cook book, but it sure was not a simple or easy project. At the start I thought I could do it all in a week or ten days. Then I found myself cleaning up all the recipe cards with Wite-Out, because of all the food spills, scotch tape, and yellowing newspaper. I became expert at using that little Wite-Out brush, and the results were nice clean text, but the clean-up took 3 weeks of constant work. Other than that, I had to write up a 2 page introduction and a 7 page table of contents for the 357 recipes, which was much easier work. I bound the booklet so it opens flat for easy reference. I am quite pleased with the book, but I labored so intensely over the thing, that I can hardly look at it now or browse through it. I will probably regain some enthusiasm for my booklet when I distribute copies at a family reunion this coming weekend. I will be giving the book away; I do not want my relatives to be digging through their wallets or purses for payment. I want my Mother's legacy to be spread as liberally and as broadly as possible. My total expense in this venture is about $500, which I can afford. I do want to make a point about how we cope with bereavement. During the entire project I thought of my Mother constantly; new memories of her would flood into my mind. At times the memories were so precious, that they were actually painful. I feel like I opened up a tap, through which my emotions can flow. My sense of mourning feels right; I feel somewhat freed from the wild swings of mood and the feelings of desperation. Some sense of my own purpose has been restored. I finally figured out that there is something we can do about death, by working with the legacy of our departed loved-ones. Thank you Marty and Lainey for your encouraging words; I had planned to give progress reports on my booklet, but this project just swallowed me whole. Ron B.