Ron B.

KJO, Greetings and welcome to these forums. Actually I think you've expressed yourself very well here. After one month grief is usually still very raw; it's not surprising that you have so many issues and emotions to sort out. I too have many of the same issues on top of my grief; breakup of a relationship, a year of unemployment, and loss of the family home. I was a bit more fortunate in that I spent almost 2 years with my Mom before she was gone. Like you, I had caregiving duties, and just the night before last I dreamt of doing those things. And I am 11 months on now. About siblings, it was an ordeal in my family. Normally we are never together for long periods of time, but with my mother's illness we were almost on top of each other for months. Lots of friction, but much of that has now dissipated. The ordeal of distributing possessions and selling my mother's house is finally over, and that is a relief. Many people here have problems getting normal sleep; that's normal for grief. About articulating emotions, many of us keep journals, and that helped me a lot in the first months. Posting here in these forums has been quite helpful to me and most everyone else here; it's a valuable resource which you can use liberally. Many of us get counseling or see mental health professionals; that's yet another avenue where we can articulate feelings. Verbalizing your feelings is important, but don't forget that feelings are also a direct expression of emotion. There is solid consensus here that the experience of grief is packed with all kinds of wild emotion, sometimes our emotions get a bit beyond our control and just spill out. Crying is probably one of the most important things you can do during grief; it helps release emotional tension. I'm 55 and I tear up every day thinking of my Mom. Sometimes it's anger that needs to vent; a number of people here have deep anger over the loss of a family member. It's hard for me to give advice about anger; I guess I don't understand it very well yet. For all the powerful feelings that flow through grief, try as best you can to give them some kind of expression; that eases the pain and fosters healing. We call this 'grief work'. Bravo to you when you can carry an upbeat feeling, but the mood swings of grief can bring us low very quickly, and you are discovering that. 'Numb' fits the experience of initial grief very well; others here call it 'fog'. 'Apathetic' is another really good description of mood during grief; lack of interest in food, for example, is common, with ensuing weight loss. Old interests just don't seem to be engaging any more. Not being able to get much done in the course of a day or week happens with many of us. Sometimes just getting out of bed, making a meal, getting dressed, or going outside is an accomplishment. So we have to scale down the expectations we put upon ourselves, and still feel ok if we've had a slack day or week or month. Dealing with friends who don't understand your grief is another issue that's difficult. I just started getting a bit blunt, but very honest. Sometimes they'd be a bit shocked. If they didn't want to hear that I was feeling rotten, then too bad! You can usually pass them a clue by saying you really need time to yourself, probably months. One thing for sure, your friends do not understand grief unless they have lost a family member themselves. That's why it's important to get real support here, from counseling, from family, or anywhere you can find it. Otherwise nobody will understand you. Don't get stuck on trying to explain your feelings to clueless people; just duck out politely if you can. Anger with friends that don't get it is one of the most common topics in this forum; there are a few current posts about that right now. Just like you I have thoughts, feelings, and a sense of my Mom that comes upon me all the time. It's a tender and even slightly painful experience. Those memories and feelings that touch your soul are precious; that shows that you are moving through grief very well. Initially the pain was so great in those first months that I could not look at photos of my mother. 10 months on and I have memorialized my Mom with photos on my wall; the searing pain has receded, and now I feel only tender when I look upon her. About looking for work, it's so hard to take on new responsibility when all your mind and body want to do is recuperate. Sometimes it helps though to have something that keeps us busy. Good luck with the work search. About feeling completely stuck right now, welcome to the club. Most of us feel plenty stuck about a lot of things. Eventually we find ways to re-engage ourselves, whether through work, therapy, exercise, writing, or whatever. Grief is a struggle, but it's also a learning experience. For all the pain you feel, there will also be healing. Take heart; we are all going through the very same thing. Ron B.

Lostdaughter, I think you have pretty much figured out 'why' grief hits so hard right now. Having your house torn up and facing a new job is a mountain of stress. I've heard it said that the things that cause the most stress in life include death in a family, change of job, and moving. You've got the first two and a bit of the third. It's no wonder you are feeling worn down to a frazzle. And you are still only 1 month into grieving. That is such an early stage of grief. I was a total emotional wreck even two months into grief. I do not know how you can expect so much of yourself. The crying is cathartic; I would welcome it. About the new job, that's something you need to think through carefully. I'd be glad to read more detail, if you care to write. About people not wanting to hear of your grief, that's pretty common. I just either kept my grief to myself, or was slightly blunt in talking about it. I don't like getting caught having to explain my feelings to people who really don't want to know. Only with close friends would I ask for counsel. And about having rights to feel as you do, you should not be intimidated by anybody. Your feelings are yours, not theirs. If you feel like sharing your grief or guarding it closely, that's entirely your business and your decision. And about feeling so rotten in general, that too is part of grief whether we like it or not. I think it gets much better about the 3rd month. Then I knew I would survive and somehow grow from the experience. Healing really does happen, but all you feel now is the pain. Be patient. So long as you make a good effort, you can not fault yourself. I hope you find time to rest too; we need to recuperate from such grave loss. You bring up so many issues of substance. Looking after your health is important, and you are doing the right thing in consulting with your physician. That feeling that you are going to die soon, I can't understand that. Do you have a specific physical ailment? Or is it just a general feeling of your own mortality? I feel my time is short too at 56 years of age. Thought I'd live forever in my 20's, 30's, and 40's. And now my own mortality feels like it's hovering over me. There is one thing you said which I will question. You wrote: "My Dad would expect me to take this job." Are you saying you are taking on the new job, because of your father's expectations? That seems a bit backwards, as we generally have to look after ourselves first, and what others think is usually secondary. Or is it a financial necessity that you take this job? If that's the case, then I am saddened. Normally the first months of grief should be a time for you to recuperate, and not a time to take on more responsibility. Whatever you do, please find time to rest too. Ron B.

Cheryl, You have given so much to so many in these forums. I look to your posts for clear and steady thinking through grief. I really didn't expect to read that you've recently had such trouble. But everybody here also has trouble. Maybe it's that we expect too much of ourselves sometimes. We try so hard to keep it together, then some incident like the dog-fight will have our world come crashing in on us. Cheryl, take heart with your friends here, we will stick with you through any crisis. The dog-fight was just that, a dog-fight. It triggered something bigger within you. Maybe you held a lot back when your husband passed away, and so now your grief has come out uncontrollably. It's not necessarily bad that you got so upset; crying and collapsing is a release of emotional tension. If that's how grief comes out, maybe that's how it was meant to be. Forgive yourself. You can't control everything, though we try to do just that. I am sorry about your dogs, but what happened is part of their nature and we have to accept that too. I went through one similar breakdown in my own grief. Just like you, I went to get professional psychological help. I found a psychologist, and he gave me some tools to cope with emotional distress. I stabilized to 'normal' in about six weeks. By the way, we are not supposed to be at war with grief in a grief verses us scenario. In that set-up grief can win and we can lose. Rather I think we need to integrate with our grief, giving it expression while toning down some of the pain. Breakdowns are probably unavoidable, but don't forget when we succeed in expressing our grief in healthy ways. All that grief work we've been doing isn't for nothing. Real healing takes place too, probably in equal measure to the breakdowns. And I do not believe you are broken. Not at all. Your integrity as a person is intact. You will survive all of this. And you know it. Grief has just dug a little deeper into your humanity. You may feel defeated now, but nature also gives you powers of recuperation. For now, I hope you can give your mind some rest. So much has happened it will take time to digest. Ron B.

Melina. - I think I might qualify as extraordinarily alone. No companion souls in my household, not even a cat or a dog. I call one of my siblings or they call me about once a month. No place of employment. One long term friend; we talk occasionally. Had a female friend, now gone. One good thing is that I live in an urban area. I can always shop, go out to restaurants, or go to local libraries. I chat with people when I can. I bike ride around local neighborhoods for exercise and swim in the local municipal pool. At home alone is the most difficult time for me. I have active interests and hobbies, but sometimes they just fizzle and I feel completely stuck. I usually end up reading and answering posts on this site; somehow I survive on that. I wish I knew how to change. I am shy, and do not mix readily. Can't handle parties, unless I know the people. I find many people attractive and interesting, but chat is as far as things go. Would like to keep the company of friends, share meals together. Would like to find a female companion; have a shared life. Have even thought of dating services, but that seems like a crude solution. Would even settle for a cat; maybe I'll do that. I am just so stuck. I don't have much advice to offer. Just letting you know that you are not 'alone' in feeling lonely. Ron B.

Scref - Almost all of us here have been through a difficult ordeal with grief. Though you feel great distress now, at the end of your grief there will be healing. It just takes time and effort. For now, just take things one day at a time. You will find strength as you need it. I agree that it's the bonds of family that help most through grief. I am glad you have that. I hope you also find healthy ways to air your grief. Expressing emotion tends to relieve some of our distress; crying is good! Telling our stories seems to help a lot too. Try to find activities every day that help you feel just a bit better. That could be talking to friends, going for walks, keeping a diary, sharing a meal, getting exercise, or just finding quiet time. Anything that helps you cope is generally good. Many of us have sleep disorders, so don't feel alone in that. Your raw grief will gradually ease. I don't know why grief is so brutal; our humanity is tested to its limits. Somehow we survive it all, learn, and become wiser. I hope our community helps you find your way. - Ron B

tin73man - I would try to restrain myself if I were in your shoes. If you can just give things a little more time, then maybe your own thinking will have a chance to evolve. Rushing forward with things is usually what gets me into trouble. I like what you said about not being able to fathom her grief. I know you must be hurting, but the magnitude of her hurt should give you pause. Eventually you will acquire a thoughtfulness and a sensitivity to her pain that will guide you. But I am not you, so take my advice for what it is, anonymous help given over the net. Better to seek counsel from your own family and from people you deeply trust; that should help you find your way. - Ron B.

tin73man, I can only speak from my own experience. I lost my mother 11 months ago. I can tell you that the death of a parent is more than just painful. Part of us dies when a parent dies. A big chunk of our identity is simply ripped away. We have to rethink everything we are, and somehow rebuild our lives. The grieving takes time, usually months, and all the while a heavy feeling of despair eats away at us. Emotions become raw and overpowering. Sobbing. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Despair. Normal life is totally disrupted. Even basic things like eating and sleeping go completely out of whack. People consumed with grief can hardly go back to work. Relationships get put on hold too. It's one of life's major 'time outs'. So develop a respect for the power of grief. Although you can see grief in others now, you will understand the depth of grief only when you lose one of your own family. From how you describe your situation, I'd advise giving your grieving woman friend a lot of personal time and space to sort things out. Think long term, not just days or weeks, but months. Of course you want to be supportive, but that may require delicate handling. I think you need to learn to read her mood; eventually you should be able to discern when she is approachable. I'd also advise you to completely drop the idea that she has to make any decisions about a relationship with you. She can't deal with that now, apparently. Everything is on hold. Just be a friend when there is opportunity; that's all. Be very patient. Let her choose when the time is right. And be open to the idea that she can go her own way, and that is still ok. That's just how I read your situation. I hope others here will also have advice for you. Ron B.

Aquarius - I am trying to forgive, but there has been no grace or control about it. The situation with my sister is beyond awkward and difficult. If I continue to resent my sister, then I am completely stuck. She'll just reciprocate resentment, and the antagonism never ends. I may even be completely in the right, and she may be totally wrong, but that doesn't matter any more. What matters is my sanity. In that respect, my forgiveness is quite selfish. It's a bargain for peace. It took me months to figure this out. I can not expect my sister to suddenly develop a conscience and acknowledge her past brutality. It's me that has to change. The only thing that stands a chance of cracking her open to change is kindness. How can we be kind to someone who has been so hurtful? But I am learning to do this. It is an ordeal to engage her kindly, but it is so much better than open hostility. I do this so I can live at peace with myself. Otherwise I would regress into hatred and hostility. Aquarius, I hope your thoughts and feelings evolve toward solutions that don't compromise your own humanity. Ron B.

Aquarius7, You may remember my situation is similar to yours. After my mother died, my sister got control of the estate, locked me out of the family house, threw out my possessions, and became verbally abusive. I was angry and upset. Then I got pneumonia that raged for weeks. Next, when feeling desperate and in poor health, I had to participate in dividing up my mother's belongings. This was the worst ordeal of my life. So I have some clue about what you've been through. That feeling of coming unhinged is horrible; you and I know all about that. But you should also learn the feeling of recovery from such ordeal. Life isn't forever black. I'm going to list now things that fostered my own recovery, with the thought that they may help you. My own recovery started with visits to a psychologist. He gave me a tool to deal with desperate and angry thinking. Whenever I started to think about my sister, I was told to deflect the thought. Instead of thinking of my sister, I should think about a good person in my life. So I'd focus my mind on my cousin, and I was actually able to sidestep some of my angry thinking. You can use this deflection tool when thinking of your lawyer brother; it's simple and does yank you out of looping anger. You have that option of consulting a mental health professional too; I'm not sure whether you have done that or want to do that. Another thing that helped me was posting here. Besides grief over my mothers passing, I was able to explain anger towards my sister. Just telling our story here helps so much; I don't quite understand how that works. Maybe we hold a lot of dark feelings inside, which dissipate somewhat once others understand us. Anyway, please use the resource of this forum liberally; it can be a lifeline for you. The third thing that helped me was exercise. I think many of us overlook this option when dealing with grief. When we stay cooped up indoors, our thoughts can sometimes loop in non-productive ways. When we get out of doors, our limbs find natural motion, our blood circulation and heart rate pick up, the fresh air invigorates, and our eyes get to focus on things other than a TV or computer screen. I did daily bike rides in the evening and at night, and it really helped dissipate some of my mental gloom. Somewhat later, about the 4th month, i started swimming in a municipal pool. Another thing that helped me was a simple circumstance. The drama of dealing with my mother's estate finally settled down. Once my mother's house was cleaned out, and her possessions distributed, there was not much business to attend to, other than waiting for the house to sell. I think you too need to recognize that most of the storm has passed, and you survived. It sounds like you don't have to engage siblings and sort belongings any more. That should be a relief. Now is a time you can work on regaining your ground, caring for your physical and mental health. These things above helped me; I hope they help you. I will also be honest with you about how I think about my sister. I think she has been brutal, grossly inconsiderate, and even vindictive. And it's not like I'm trying to paint my sister black in some one sided version of events. One month after my mother died last November, I wanted to stay in the family home for Christmas and grieve with other family members. Seems reasonable, right? Instead my sister changed all the locks, and forbid me to step foot into the family home. This was done on the advice of a lawyer. This issue is that family members sometimes loot the family estate, and so estate lawyers advise their clients to lock everything down; makes their work easier. Zero consideration was given to the fact that family members grieve and need each other's support. That house was the family center; all my sister had to do was leave the house open to me and other family for two weeks, so that we could spend Christmas together. Instead I spent the Christmas holidays completely alone, and a month later caught pneumonia. It was horrible. The manner in which my sister exercised her authority as estate trustee was repugnant to me. No pleading had any effect; her decisions were all unilateral without any regard for my needs. Another example is how she arranged to clean out the house and yard. She lives close by the estate, so she decided we 4 siblings would clean it out on a half dozen successive weekends. Well I live 400 miles away, and the expense of airfare and hotel for six trips to do cleanup would have cost me thousands of dollars. She would not consider any other scenario, such as me coming down once or twice for longer periods of time to do the work. Nor would she ever let me in the house alone without her supervision. She just had to control everything. And since I was my mother's caregiver for months, and since I paid for my mother's nursing care (22 k still not recovered), you would have thought my sister would have given me some consideration in her decision making about the estate. Nope; didn't get any consideration at all. And when it came to my belongings left in my mother's home, I would have hoped I could gather them myself, reclaiming them when I had opportunity. Instead my sister packed my things into two huge suitcases, and just dumped them on me. I had flown down with a large suitcase, and had no way to carry 2 more large bags on my return flight. When I called my sister on the telephone during this time, I tried to upright our relationship, but she just got openly nasty. She spoke of all the things she resented about me for 90 minutes, and I just let her talk. Vindictive? Yes, I believe my sister has been at times deliberately hurtful. Now that you know how black the circumstance is with my sister, I will surprise you with something. I have forgiven her. I have not openly said that to her, as she does not think she's done anything wrong. So I have forgiven her in my mind. Here's why it's a good idea to forgive. Once you forgive, you start letting go of some of the pain. Your mind is freed from being fixated on unpleasant things. So that's my strategy for coping with a brutal and nasty sibling. Treat them well, in so far as you can. About woman friends, my story is much worse than yours. I bonded with my Mother's caregiver, a woman named Denise. I cared for her and she cared for me. Then my siblings got involved. My older brother terminated her employment in brutal fashion, my brother's wife was openly nasty to her, my younger brother in speaking of her was verbally abusive, and then my sister circulated a false and vicious rumor about her. Funny how Denise doesn't want to have anything to do with my family now. I lost Denise because of them. I am a bit bitter about all this, but also forgiving. My siblings are the only family I've got. If i wrote them off as jerks, then I'd just be that much more alone. I've given you a broadside of my own hell with siblings. I hope you understand other people like me have been through a similar ordeal. The people here in this forum can help you survive this kind of trauma with your integrity intact. Please post a little more often; that way you'll get regular support. Ron B.

Hi MZM. I have a different perspective on the pain issue. Yes is hurts as bad as ever. But that pain of going through grief is part of a long term process of healing. I would worry much more about the person who couldn't cry or feel distress over their loss. It seems to me that you are grieving quite healthily. It's hard for me to tell anybody that emotional pain has a rightful place in their life, but I think it does. Crying releases so much emotional tension; there's no better way to re-balance distressed emotions. And your thoughts as you grieve have a beauty of their own. They express not only your loss, but also devotion to your beloved husband. Grief puts our humanity to test. We struggle painfully, but also learn and grow as we grieve. Don't get discouraged! Your healing is already underway. Ron B.

butterfly82, I am saddened to read of your loss. Almost everybody who posts here has lost a family member too. There are no words to take away the grief. That you are planning time to grieve is a very healthy way of coping. I count 7 months that you've had to put off grieving in order to complete your obligations in a nursing program. With only one week to have made funeral arrangements and clean out your sister's apartment, I can understand how you liken your grief to a 'nightmare'. 'Disbelief' describes it well too. To digest such grave loss, I believe we need a solid block of time to be by ourselves and to be with family. You've had precious little grieving time so far. Finding that time enables us to work through our thoughts and emotions, and in a very real way we evolve. By evolve, I mean that such loss really does change us. I am well into my 50s now, and I've never changed so much in my lifetime in such a short span of time. I am now 10 months into grief after the death of my mother. No doubt, grief is a kind of suffering, but we learn from it. Grief brings maturity about life. Every generation that's ever been born watches siblings, parents, and grandparents die. That's just the nature of life itself. Some of us are fortunate and get to see our family members live long and prosperous lives. Some of us are less fortunate and watch family members cut down in the prime of life. That shortened life is a tragedy, and I am saddened you have to endure it. Now is a time you can ask all the important questions about life and death, and at least get partial answers. For all the emotions and thoughts that will work their way through you, please know you will be understood when you post in these forums. It's difficult to give advice, as the journey of grief is so personal for each individual. Most of us have had a very rough time coping with our emotions. The consensus here is that we need to give active expression to our grief, else our emotions will get buried long term and erupt in unpredictable and sometimes unhealthy ways. Many of us have kept journals to articulate what we are feeling. Some of us consult with mental health professionals. Others attend bereavement groups. Most of us find support through family and select friends. This grief and healing site is another good option. Not everybody will understand your grief, so finding support is important. Find those things that help you cope, whatever they are. So long as you work through your grief you will also find healing. Welcome to our forums, I am glad you found us. Ron B.

Hi Chai. My opinion, since you asked, is straightforward. You are your father's daughter, not M. That entitles you to make the decision about what to do with your father's ashes. Consider who gets legal authority to handle remains in the USA or most anywhere else. It's biological family that makes the decisions, not family friends. Yes your father asked M to carry his ashes back to India. That, unfortunately, gives M reason to think she has a role in the decision making process. Yes M was a caregiver to your father. For that she deserves gratitude and a place in your heart. But that does grant her any authority over your father's remains. It might have been a mistake to have her be the keeper or custodian of these ashes in the first place; it only seems to have self-inflated her role in this business. It is also troubling that she stormed off when you and your sister went to speak to her. I think M is completely out of line in being demonstrative, insistent, and demanding in this business, and I think she needs to be put back firmly in her place. This is the most difficult thing; how do we handle a family friend who is slightly crazy and very meddlesome? You need to assert yourself firmly, but with a gentle heart. Much easier said than done. As regards to your poll, my answer doesn't fit any one check box. I would not make up to M, as that would reinforce her own ideas that she is a decision maker in this matter. I would be firm in making M give the ashes over. Once you've got the ashes, I would be kind to M, but also keep a polite distance. I would make travel plans to India independently and without M. If she travels to India on her own for the ceremony, it would be hard to turn her away. I'd want to be sure that she has 'handlers', by which I mean family or friends that can take her in hand if she publicly flips out. I would not disturb the guru, either. Please understand, that my opinion on this matter is like a puff of smoke in the wind. It's not very substantial. This is your decision, not ours. If talking about it here helps, I am glad for that. Ron B.

Hi Gingie. It seems that weekends are the slowest time on this site. It's when almost everybody has time available, but it's 'alone' time and a lot of us are sullen. Then at 2 and 3 AM in the morning a bunch of posts will show up, because of our sleep disorders. It's almost comical. Anyway, you mentioned a couple of things in your post that are of interest to me. Many other posters here have said that they needed to be 'strong' around others throughout their lives, as if suppressing emotion was a kind of strength. As if crying or showing pain is some kind of weakness. That seems to be the cultural norm. But in expressing grief, crying is really the strength, and bottling up emotion is actually the weakness. Most of us are not at all prepared for grief. When it comes, we have to loosen up the tight controls we've learned about expressing emotion. It sounds absurd to say we have to learn to cry as adults, but it comes down to that. About medications, I generally do not like taking them, because they leave me feeling 'dopey' or 'foggy'. You say you have been taking antidepressants and anxiety medications for years. I wince when I read that. I think, how can you have good clarity of mind and emotion when on high doses of medication? But that's just my first impression; there may be a real medical necessity for you to take these things, I don't know. Have you had discussions with your doctor about long term dependence on medications? I am glad you are able to write out some detail of your life and explain the decisions you made. I do not understand why this process of telling our stories is so important, but it is. Somehow we are able to give expression to some depth of feeling, and that is a very good thing, no doubt about it. Most questions in these forums are thoughtfully answered, but there are no easy solutions to grief. We have to struggle with our emotions and our thinking has to evolve before healing begins; at least that's how I see it. I've edited out half of what I originally wrote in this post. Sometimes I am too eager to give advice, and am too much of a welcome mat. It's the manic end of my mood-swing; I first write like I have all the answers, and then on the down-turn I feel clueless and retract what I wrote. So goes my own depression; I regret that it sometimes leaks out into these forums. Ron B.

Window, It irks me when somebody posts their story here, and nobody replies for days, if at all. Our community here is better than that. Nor did I properly grieve my father. I don't entirely know why. Only when my mother died last year did grief hit me with full force. And now I think back to my father. I agree with you that there is something particularly difficult about the loss of a parent while we are still children or adolescents. As an adult, I can think through issues, but I'm not sure kids can figure things out. Perhaps grief gets internalized and delayed, I'm not entirely sure how all that works. Marty, our onsite grief counselor, would have some understanding of this. I do know that grief needs to be expressed. Expressing grief doesn't necessarily mean having to vent negative emotions - anger, anxiety, sadness, etc. I've discovered that finding our parents' legacy really helps, and that's a positive thing. I created a cook book of all my mother's recipes that she gathered over her lifetime. I passed out about 50 copies to family and friends. Feels great to have done that. Memorializing our parents is such a positive way to go. Simple things like photos of our parents in our living space remind us in a dignified way of who they were and who we are. I hope you find ways to memorialize your father, and other family members that you have lost. The painful side of loss will still be there, however, so sadness and even anger may need to surface. Crying can be cathartic. Anger can be constructive; so long as we are clearly focused on something we can change. I think it's remarkable that you have been able to identify your own delayed grief; most people would internalize it and end up with longer term psychological problems. Your healing is already underway. Don't worry too much about your style of expressing yourself. So long as you are honest and caring you will prosper. Ron B.

Gingie, Welcome to our grieving and healing site. Your circumstances sound extraordinarily difficult. The loss of your husband and mother over a year ago had to be devastating, but there is something odd. Only now are you crying for the first time? It seems that you have somehow delayed your grief. To the best of my understanding, that crying is part of what helps you heal. I would welcome the crying. The legal wrangle over the estate is unfortunate; this compounds grief by piling on other worrisome business. You say you sit at the computer and play games much of the time. I understand that. I did online chess for about 4 hours a day in the first months of my grief. We have to apply our minds to something. So I have a suggestion. Redirect some of that energy to this site if you can. I spend more than an hour a day here, and sometimes much more than that. When you throw out your story and ask for help, you will get this entire collective of grieving souls working on your issues. We are like a brain trust, between us our IQ is phenomenal, and we have a professional grief counselor, Marty, who helps us get it right. So please, redirect some of your energy here; we can and do help. If you can't get your mind around something, maybe we can. The caring here also runs deep. People here will reach out to keep you afloat; they did me. The issue about not getting out of the house concerns me. In the first months of grief I had the same issue; I'd just sit in my apartment all day until I started going stir-crazy. What helped save me was a bicycle. I would ride my bike at night and cry. Gave me exercise. Got my grief out. I think it's important to get out of doors; helps dispel the gloom. Perhaps you can work at getting out of your house, since you've already tagged it as a problem. This is 'grief work'. You may not feel like doing something, but you do it anyway because you know it will foster your recovery. You did not mention whether you were getting help from a mental health professional. You may be in the grips of depression, and that can be very hard to climb out of on your own. Most depression can be effectively treated with medications. So please, tell us whether you are on antidepressants yet, otherwise we are just guessing at solutions for you. I hope you can provide a few missing details to help us make sense of your grief. Then we can work on the healing. Ron B.

Kayc, Well, I finally read this whole thread all the way through. I note that it's been almost entirely women that have given 33 reply posts, Robert being the only exception. I would be glad if guys talked about their issues with women, but for some reason we men generally don't do that. Dunno why. Anyway, it's because you have a very strong moral sense that I'm prompted to post now. I would not have been able to say what you said to charles k today. And it needed to be said. So I'Il give you my perspective about the loss of love. Not that my opinion counts, but it does help me think through issues as I write about them. If I read you carefully enough, it seems that you got caught between your fiance and his mom. His mom didn't want to see you at all, he has to care for her 24/7, so you got left out. The business about him inheriting his mom's house seems to be an issue too; so he looks to keep her happy. All of this circumstance is brutal to you. Moreover, the guy should have at least met with you and talked before leaving. There are so many issues here to explore. The act of suddenly severing a relationship is sometimes hard to comprehend. It has happened to me. I don't entirely get how people can treat someone who they've loved so coldly. I think it might have to do with a person wanting to avoid ordeal. They'd have to explain themselves, justify their decision, answer to our questions and concerns, and so forth. Some people really do not have the strength of character to face us honestly. So here is my question. Why would you ever want to keep company again with that kind of person? You said you felt treated as trash, discarded, and so forth. So now you should feel some relief that the guy is out of your life, right? Which is not to minimize the issue of rejection and all the pain it brings. I've almost always been on the rejected rather than the rejecting side of things. Only once about 2 years ago I did clearly reject a woman. It was one of my coworkers, but she constantly cornered me, propositioned me once, and I finally told her no romance. I could hardly believe how crushed she was; first in tears, and then came anger. She finally chose to find employment elsewhere. The weird thing was that I actually liked her. We subsequently had a good exchange of emails. Anyway, her initial pain and anguish was horrible. Rejection is such nasty business, and now I wish I had found a better way to handle it. There is also the issue of misjudging character. After more than a year, you thought you knew this guy. I'm not so sure I'm any better at judging character; some gold digger will probably get me in the end. Are we just a bit too desperate for love? Is that how we become gullible? I'd like to think that our minds have strength, that we can reliably read the character of others. But my batting average in this area isn't so good. Brains we got. Good sense, I'm not so sure. I am struck with the dozens of ways you have tried to put your mind around what happened. We all struggle to make sense of painful stuff, but I think it helps if we can separate our responses to pain from clear thinking about how we can heal. So many people write about their pain as if that were the one thing front and center that deserves all the attention, but that leaves the healing largely unexamined. You wrote many things in this thread that look like direct responses to anger and pain: "Once again taken in by a man who fooled me. It makes me hate them!", "I don't feel I can ever trust anyone again", "I've lost my purpose and meaning in life", "guess I am destined to a lifetime of nothing but work, chores, and aloneness", "I feel like life has passed me by and my time has come and gone", "I feel pretty done with men, I'm tired of being led on, lied to, betrayed", ""Are all men liars?", "I'm tired of being hurt and no longer trust men", "Right now I pretty much hate men for all they've done to me." If our lives are all about pain, then it's really going to be difficult to get the healing started. You can enumerate mistakes, faults, the so many ways you are stuck, but that just lines up your thinking into an anti-pain regime. So I'll tell you directly: Think rather about healing. You mentioned forgiveness. That'll get you started. Once you forgive, you will let go of some of the pain. Leave your heart open. Don't grow callous and hard-hearted towards us men; we are all not that bad (just some of us are rotten). Though you feel betrayed, you/I/we need to learn to trust again. Otherwise we'll never keep good company, never find love, never have shared lives. Many more years to go; make them years of learning and growth. By the way, I'm glad for your dog's recovery; now there is someone worth caring about. Ron B.

urbabygirl79, I do have advice, based on what works for me. When someone asks how you are doing, keep it brief: "I'm grieving. Gotta go." Or: "I'm still having a hard time. See ya!" If it's really none of their business, say whatever: "I'm ok. Bye!" Be engaging only if it's someone you really want to speak with. I know the solicitations and expressions of sympathy are worse than tiresome; those awkward moments leave you stuck explaining 'feelings'. It'd scare most people if you really explained how grief feels. So don't put up with it. Be as brief with people as you choose. Funny thing, I've become much less tolerant of the chit chatty social amenities and rambling conversation that goes nowhere. I'm not rude, but sometimes brusk? You bet! Helps me cope. It's even a maturity I'm glad to have acquired. Ron B.

urbabygirl79 - Just a quick note to you. Everybody here lost someone. We understand the grief. It's so raw and the pain is beyond words. Almost all of us have been through wild mood swings. Eventually that will settle down. Try to give expression to your emotions. Just taking care of yourself for now is plenty to deal with. Eat, sleep, keep company when you can. Find support with family and friends. Use this site liberally if it helps. Realize that you are a big part of your father's legacy. You carry on for him. His legacy can guide you. Many here believe that their lost loved ones are with us now, certainly in spirit, if not in material presence. We all survive this loss, and even grow to become stronger, because of that love and guidance we got from our parents. Welcome. - Ron B.

Hi Lostdaughter. Can i know your first name? My own grief was also compounded like yours. First I lost my job, then my Mother died, then a woman friend went her own way, and after that I had pneumonia. I had so much anger, despair and depression. I am much better now, but it took months for my unruly emotions to settle and clarify. After the 3rd month I finally felt some measure of confidence that I would survive the experience with my integrity intact. Now it's 10 months for me, and finally I am able to attend to employment, and reclaim relationships with family and friends. It takes time to recover from grief. It also takes effort, but even that's not the main thing. It's hard for me to explain how to recover when grief is so raw. Part of it is just accepting this time in your life as a legitimate time-out. Time-out means a lot of things get put on hold. Time-out means a time to recuperate and recover. Somehow we have to cope with very difficult emotions: desperation, anxiety, anger, profound sadness. None of it is easy. The solution is to give expression to emotion. Don't bottle-up or shelve your feelings. Many people here write their way through the difficulty; that might help you. I kept a journal for those first months and it helped. Posting here will definitely help you get your emotions out into the open. Talking with friends or health professionals does the same thing. So long as you express grief, then it becomes manageable and you can work with it. Curiously, getting exercise seems to keep our emotions in better balance. The out-of-doors just has a way of dispersing gloom. Sometimes it's really hard to be gentle, caring, and kind to ourselves. When we feel desperate or depressed, we can hardly do much of anything. But still we have to survive each day. You may not want to take care of yourself, but it is important to do so. Sometimes it's an effort just to eat, sleep, or maintain contact with other people. Marty, our on-site grief counselor, calls the effort 'grief work'. Even within a few hours, an effort to better our situation can raise morale. Recover a little pride and basic dignity whenever and however you can. Everybody on this site has rotten days, sometimes running for weeks. Accept the downtime, but when you are able, recognize uptime and take advantage of it. Find those things and activities that make you feel better. No need to fret so much! It's the raw grief in the first weeks that is the real hurdle. Once you get past that, the rest is just hard work! Ron B.

Welcome to our grief and healing forum. Everybody here has a story to tell, and telling our stories does help us heal. I don't understand at all why cancer is so prevalent; it took my father, mother, stepfather, 2 uncles, and one grandmother. It was my mother that recently passed away, and like you the time I spent with my mother in those last months is now precious to me. I too was with my mom as she took her last breaths; I can't think about that time without emotion. I think you are fortunate to bring new life into this world; somehow that helps balance out the life that was taken away. Should we call you Imissyoumommajo? I am glad you found us. - Ron B.

Perkins - In the first months I could not talk comfortably with other people about my Mom's passing. Now, 10 months on, I can and do talk about my grief with anybody I choose. Here's the difference. In the first three months I would have simply overwhelmed most people with my expressions of emotion. Friends, out of the blue, were just not ready for it. Even my siblings criticized me for being 'too intense'. Now almost a year later, my emotionality is toned down and much more manageable. I can 'read' other people first to see whether they are connecting with me. If they are, I can go on and express myself more fully. If they cue out, eyes glazing over, or giving me a 'not sure' look, I just drop the attempt to communicate seriously, and revert to more commonplace conversation. It may be a cultural thing, I am not sure, but public displays of emotion sometimes have to be very carefully managed. Many people do not understand at all how to respond to a friend whose eyes are moistening, or tearing over. Sometimes it's our tone of our voice that communicates emotion. You can sense when people start getting uncomfortable with us, and also when there is sympathy for what we are expressing. All you've got to go on is the feedback you are getting from the other person. So testing the water can sometimes be a lot better than jumping in with full emotional expression. You are right that we risk ourselves when we 'emote', because people can and do sometimes give us the 'you've got a problem' response. It's really their loss when 'friends' can't relate to emotions we express. Maybe they've been party animals most of their adult life, and can't relate to 'feelings'. Maybe no one ever expresses emotion in their family. Maybe they've been taught to actually shun displays of emotion. You'd think common sense would prompt most people to support a friend in emotional distress, but it ain't necessarily so. And when they don't respond appropriately, we feel shock! We wonder what kind of friend they are. Maybe they are not playing with a full deck; they just don't get it and you'd have to explain grief to them. It's even possible they are simply callous, unfeeling, and uncaring. Then anger towards them has its place; you may not want to keep their company in the future. I do know that when grief is toned down a bit, most people can see it and figure out that they need to express sympathy. In the second month of grief, however, it's hard if not impossible to tone down emotion. Though I'm comfortable expressing grief now, I swallowed most of my grief in those early months. Sometimes we need to shield ourselves and shield others, so as not to be overwhelming and too intense. I think it's extraordinarily sad when we can not grieve with people with think are our friends. Maybe they are only fair-weather friends. You may need to sort out your 'friends', and figure which of them really are supportive through your grief. At least here in this forum you will be able to pour out any depth of feeling and be readily understood. Expressing grief does become easier with time. It helps to be gentle with yourself and with others, when you can. Ron B.

Hi Linda Darcy. My Mother died on November 1st 2009. I spend most holidays alone, but commemorating one year since the passing of my Mother will be different. I will need to be with family on this occasion. What's left of my family is either my siblings or my Mother's brother. The setting and circumstance almost doesn't matter to me. If I can be with family, that will be enough. Probably the occasion will be a dinner with drinks. I do hope to go through photo albums with other family members. Thanks for reminding me; I had not yet thought of the one year mark; now I can plan. - Ron B.

Nick - Bravo! There is so little said about the constructive side of grief. It tends to deepen our humanity. I've noticed that I have become more direct with people, and I really value good contact. I am less tolerant of people or things that waste my time. It seems to be a kind of maturity that we acquire. 10 months on and I have greater clarity about a number of things. I am more tuned in to my own and other's emotions. Right and wrong seem more transparent. And what I want out of life seems a little better defined. But the price paid in pain and anguish? Wow. It's not like I can recommend grief, but those who have been through grief tend to be more substantial as human beings. Thank you for such a positive tracking of your grief experience; we need to hear that it's not only about pain. - Ron B.

Shelley, I have those days too when I can't get out of my pajamas or get outside. Unexpected mood swings happen. Even after things have been going well, and even when we see clear milestones of our own progress, days can still go bad. Don't make too much of it! For the longest time we have been caught up in our own grief, and sometimes it's just hard to shake off. The main thing is that you know of your own progress in finding work, and that's something that is so good, so right, that you need to mark the occasion and somehow reward yourself. I do not know what things are uplifting for you, whether going for walks, going out to eat, calling friends, posting here, or whatever. I think you deserve to treat yourself really well in any way that you can. Not necessarily right now, but when you feel it's right. Sometimes we actually have to learn how to feel good again, after having felt bad for such a long time. Learning how to feel good again may not be that easy. Even that takes work! Just do a few small things now and then that make you feel good. Eventually the small things will bloom into active interests and activities, and residual gloom will lift. It may take some time to put sullen days behind us, but eventually we can raise our own self esteem and raise our own outlook on life. Don't get discouraged! Ron B.

Marion Claire - It's the differences in gender that help make life so very interesting and sometimes so troublesome. No apology is necessary for bringing up gender differences; it's a topic worth exploring. Best to have fun with it, when we can. - Ron B.