Ron B.

Dawn - Four days on and I'm nuking my earlier reply post. Used too many words. Not sure they helped. Probably I wasn't the right person to reply. God speed your recovery. - Ron B.

Thanks for your reply, MattC. I'm thinking very few other people here have ever been the target of rage. Rage is just not that common; I have seen it only rarely in my 57 years of life. Matt, I think you are quite right to suggest other psychiatric diagnoses, besides 'Intermittent Explosive Disorder'. The psychiatric web-sites say that Intermittent Explosive Disorder is rare, and only an appropriate diagnosis if other diagnoses have been exhausted. So I looked at your suggestion of Borderline Personality Disorder, but it just doesn't match with my brother's history. He has relatively stable relationships, a reasonable sense of self-worth, and is not subject to intense abandonment feelings so common to this disorder. He has not engaged in self-mutilation or been suicidal either. Your other suggestion, Bipolar Disorder, seems improbable, because a manic episode is required for this diagnosis, and my brother has never been manic that I know of. But there's a lot I don't know about my brother, so I could be wrong. Trying to diagnose my brother's behavioral problem is a bit hazardous, because I am not a mental health professional and could be way off the mark. Nevertheless, the description of Intermittent Explosive Disorder was compelling for me, as the symptoms listed fit my brother like a tailored suit. And the treatment options read like a perfect recipe for easing my brother's rage problem. There is an excellent article about how to control rage on the American Psychological Association web-site: http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx# Curiously, my brother's rage has sparked some of my own serious anger issues. For the past 3 weeks (since the incident), I've been snappy, impatient, and aggressive with people. Been feeling a lot of despair too, just as I did after my mother died 18 months ago. Fortunately, I think the worst of my difficulty is past now; I do feel some recovery. I am practicing the anger-control methods recommended on the APA website. Good communication with other family members and with people here has also helped. Finally I am beginning to feel like I have options, and perhaps a solution. I have already written a letter to a family member who has communicated its content to my brother. In the letter I forgave and asked for forgiveness. Said I'd work to repair the relationship. The next step, I think, is to write a letter directly to my brother. Here's roughly how I have it planned out. First I'll say i regret the incident. Then I'll explain how the incident affected me, giving some detail: That I've been upset for weeks. That I've been through mood swings, despair, and depression. That I don't sleep normally. That my mind is so distracted, that I can't get much of anything done in the course of the day. All of this is true. Now here is the hard part. I plan to state plainly, if redundantly, that his rage leaves me in a state of psychological wreckage for weeks. I will then state plainly to my brother, that I will avoid him if he is going to rage at me like this in the future. I will then make ameliorating comment, saying that we all lose control over our emotions sometimes, so these things can be forgiven. Then more positive comment, stating that I value our family relationship, and I will work to repair damaged feelings. One of the important things about this letter is that it avoids blame, fault, or any targeting of my brother as 'the problem'. Other than stating my own distress, the letter is mostly about valuing and repairing family relationships. I think this is a much better solution than severing the relationship with my brother, though I did consider that briefly. If anybody else besides a family member raged at me like that, I would certainly sever the relationship for the duration of my life. But this is a family member, a brother who has redeeming qualities. My problem now is that it will be very difficult to meet with him and talk with him on future occasions. It's a bit like having kicked a dog; the dog will be inclined to cower, avoid, or aggress against the person that kicked him. So I have to choke back my own anger, and my own tendency to avoid my brother. I have to figure out how to keep pleasant company with someone who has been extraordinarily nasty. I plan to do it with other family members present, in a setting that's relatively safe (not inside his house). My thought is we can all have dinner together somewhere. That in itself would be real progress. That's my plan. My clarity of mind has improved, but he situation is still very difficult. I prefer moving forward toward repairing this damaged relationship, even if it leaves me open and vulnerable to yet more of my brother's rage. I really do need support from this community, otherwise I am just talking to myself. Does it look like I am on the right track? Will writing a letter to my brother help? Does the content of my letter look ok? Is a family dinner with him in some month to come a good idea? Please someone give me a few of your thoughts. Ron B.

Hi REM. There are many other posts on this site about relationship break-ups. This seems to happen a lot when people are in grief. I think the reason is because the grief is so completely overwhelming. 'Disabling' might be a better word. It's extraordinarily hard to explain the depth of grief and despair after a family member dies. I don't like to say this, but until you've been through serious grief, you just can't know what it's like. The general advice here seems to be to give that other person you care about, and who is grieving, plenty of personal space. In other words, don't crowd her or pressure your woman friend in any way. That's not to say that communication with a grieving person is out of the question. On the contrary! We who grieve do need support. But trying to reengage a grieving person to make commitments or get re-involved in romance can totally backfire. I lost a woman friend when she went through the grief of losing her sister. I crowded her, and she gave me the heave ho! If you still have open lines of communication with your woman friend, restraint in what you say is important. If you have overworked your communications with her, then it's going to be more difficult. The one thing that seems right, is just to say that you care. Keep it simple. If you yourself could experience her loss, her despair, her mood swings and emotions, then perhaps you'd seriously rethink what you communicate to her. Perhaps a time-frame for grief will be helpful for you. A normal period of grief generally lasts about 6 months, though that can vary widely. Your woman friend is only at the 3 month mark, and probably still seriously grieving. Think of it like a storm. You are not going to run out into your garden and plant things while the storm rages. Realize as best you can her state of mind, and have some patience until the worst of the storm passes. By the way, your feelings right now about possibly losing your woman friend are in fact the stuff of grief. And your grief isn't for nothing; you will learn from it. It will help you understand what your woman friend is going through. Be patient, and good luck! Ron B.

18 months ago I lost my Mom. My recovery from grief took about a year; now I'm ok. Or I was ok, until a recent incident with my brother. My brother has what the psychological community calls 'Intermittent Explosive Disorder'. Once in a while he flies into a full rage. He's never hit or hurt anyone that I can recall, but he has been arrested on a couple of occasions. He mostly yells and and throws things about. So, two weeks ago I am visiting with my 2 brothers and my sister. We had just sorted my mother's personal papers. My brother became very aggressive about taking possession of one item. It really wasn't his to take, so I disputed his claim. He flashed in anger. Then he jumped up and shoved me. Then he started yelling at me as loud as he could for almost a full minute. Total rage. When someone rages at you, like my brother did to me, it can have a devastating effect. Nobody likes getting yelled at; it is very unpleasant. The best word I can find for the experience is 'demeaning'. I've rehashed the event in my mind, until I don't want to think about it any more. I want to forget about the entire incident, and just do the right things. But it's not that easy. I still feel a lot of negative emotion towards my brother. So what do I do? I would tell my brother directly to get professional psychological help with his rage problem, but he would just resent me all the more. He is extraordinarily self-righteous, thinking it's others who have offended him. So I am just waiting, grasping for solutions, and hoping that time heals. I don't think I can't heal my brother. I'm trying to figure out how to heal myself. I hope someone here can relate to my story. I am open to advice and suggestions. Ron B.

Dear Missingher, We all have different time lines for how and when we deal with grief. After having lost my Mom some 15 months ago, I can tell you that 4 months was just the early stage of my own grief. So give yourself plenty of time to process the passing of your grandmother. You are so right, though, in pointing out how we are traumatized by the process of watching a loved one die. I was my mother's caregiver in the last months of her life, so I saw everything. I was with her as she died, and this still traumatizes me today. Like you, I'm still trying to digest the experience. But I have recovered from the early raw stage of grief. I can tell you that the pain will gradually diminish and your thoughts and feelings will gain clarity over time. About blaming yourself for what happened, please know that most of us here have had similar feelings. We tend to replay all the events in our head, thinking we could have done something to prevent the death of our loved one. Or we have regrets that are persistent. Please don't get stuck in guilt, unless you've actually done something clearly wrong! Many of us need help or guidance to process some of these more difficult feelings and emotions. Are you seeing a mental health professional, or are you participating in a grief recovery group? I waited 4 to 5 months before I finally consulted with a psychologist. You mention trouble with your aunts. I too had trouble with family members, but it was with my siblings. My siblings and I were thrown together in very close contact for months when my Mother was ill. There were still unsettled feelings and even some animosity in the early months after my Mother passed. But now, fortunately, we have reconciled and are cordial with one another. Time does help the healing process. About this forum: The collective experience with grief here is vast. The forum is moderated by a professional grief counselor (Yea Marty!). If we can't find solutions to specific issues you post about, then at least we will actively listen, and your concerns will be understood. While most of us are still struggling, we all seem to gain some strength from this community. I am glad you found us! Ron B.

Melina, Not able to look at your husbands photos? Well, I'm almost certain that's normal for grief. I went through it with my Mom. My family made a poster-sized collage of my Mom's photos for her memorial service. Took me 10 months before I could post it upon my kitchen wall. Now I look at my Mom almost every single day. I do still experience some pain when I look at these photos. But it's no longer overwhelming pain. And I am getting something very positive out of the photos. They remind me of who I am, and who my Mother was. I actually gain strength from looking at her now. But I can't dwell on it. Usually I'll just look up, and there she is, my Mom, as a child, as a teenager, as a young Mom, as a business woman, and as a retiree. In a real sense I feel like she is still with me. Once we feel we can display some of the photos, we start the process of 'memorializing'. We replace some of the pain with a pride for the memory of our lost loved one. The photos become links to a shared life which was and still is treasured in our memory. Don't force anything! You will know when it's the right time to put up photos. Ron B.

Suzanne, I'm trying to understand your experience of grief. Seems like you have carefully gathered your thoughts over the last 13 months; your posts convey a steady line of thinking about grief. This seems strange to me. Because my experience of grief was, well, confused. In the first months I was emotional, depressed, and desperate. Now, 15 months on, it feels like I've somehow clawed my way out of psychological depression. I feel recovery, and even growth. It's remarkable if your thoughts and feelings really have not evolved over 13 months. Seems like most everybody else here goes through a lot of process or change as they work their way through grief. But your views are so singleminded and so tenacious that I've been dumbstruck for months trying to answer your posts. Though you are entitled to your thoughts and feelings, you don't have to be completely stuck with them. We all have some ability to mold or change our lives. It can be as simple as making an effort to get something done. And if we make a systematic effort to change our own behavior, then it's probable that we can learn a new pattern of life. You say that all the joy has fled from your life. But is that really true? In other posts you mention family gatherings. Obviously you still care about that. And probably there are a lot of other things that you still care for, and take some trouble over. 'Caring', at least for me, measures a vitality of life. I dearly hope there are still things you care about. In them you will find some joy. You have written how you loathe the sunshine and chirping birds. Strange, but I too felt a measure of that years ago when I lost a girlfriend. Your loss is of greater scale, but at least I can identify with how you feel. What concerns me now is that the embittered feeling you have is so persistent. I wonder, could you learn to tolerate some of these things that are now so loathesome to you? All I'm trying to suggest is that you can initiate change in your life if you really want to. If you are unhappy, then you can probably do something about it. Nature or God may already be healing you. Ron B.

A year ago I came to these forums quite angry. Though my Mother had just passed away, my anger was not about her passing. Rather I had a serious disagreement with one of my siblings. Specifically, my sister had gained control of my mother's estate. I was immediately locked out of my mother's home. I had possessions in my mother's home, which were all but thrown out on the street. The legal process was brutal; months down the line I did not know whether I would inherit anything. Open channels of communication were all but dead. My physical health took a nose dive too. I spent last Christmas completely alone in an unheated apartment, and I caught pneumonia. Life was solidly rotten. I participated in these grief forums, but my frame of mind was disturbed. I argued with other people here, and openly rejected help from Marty, the couselor and moderator of this forum. And to top it off, I did not think I had a problem. That was the 'before' picture. Anger ruled my life. I could hardly calm myself to do the kind of mourning that heals the loss of a parent. Now it's a year later. Most of my mother's estate business has been settled, leaving nothing for dispute. I got professional counseling too, which helped me sift through all the raw emotion. To address the issues I had with my sister, I have embraced forgiveness. That's because I never want to experience intense anger like that ever again. Anger can be destructive, blinding, and deleterious to good judgement. That's not to say that anger is all bad. Anger has its place and and would not have evolved in humans had there not been good reason. It's just that anger should not be a ruling force in my life. I need to be at peace with myself and others; that's what best fits my own personality. This Christmas season I have been visiting with all my siblings and their families, and that includes my sister. None of my siblings want to rehash or relive through any more emotional trauma. We are cordial with one another. I have seen others here struggle with crippling anger. This post is just to say that there are ways to cope with this very difficult emotion. It's actually quite liberating to leave anger behind; now I can get on with my life. Ron B.

Em, When my stress level is high I sometimes do feel like I'm losing my grip. About 5 months into grief (last March) the business of dividing my mother's belongings between other family members almost pushed me over the edge. At that time I developed pneumonia! Add to that serious friction with a sibling! That's when I made a decision to work with a mental health professional. That helped stabilize me within a couple weeks. Other than a 'crisis' situation when the stress is high, I have noticed that even minor stress will bring on grief. My levels of emotionality and self doubt spike when I'm confronted with things I'm not sure how to handle. I sometimes get restless and sleep fitfully because of worry. Even a cup of coffee can make me overly anxious. Like almost everyone else here, I am faced with rebuilding my life after the loss of someone very dear to me. I am not sure what to do a lot of the time! That's when I feel lost and I have to struggle to recover a sense of purpose. Things that help stabilize me? A daily routine that includes exercise. Regular contact with friends and family members. Projects that will better my life, which are doable with persistent effort. Other than that I am struggling just like you. Ron B.

Hi Redwind. At one year into grief, my own hurt from losing my mother has been healing. However, I think my grief is more manageable than yours. You lost your life companion. All the caring and the company that your soulmate provided is simply gone. One thought I have for you is that maybe you can find a few social activities that will help you connect with other people. You've got your dog for company, and that's a good start. In your profile I see you mention reading and watching movies as other interests. But those are pretty solitary interests, unless you can find reading groups or other movie buffs to spend time with. Are you working? Some people find good connection with others in their workplace. Maybe the right kind of work will give you some fulfillment. My work as a librarian sure made me feel more connected, that is until I lost my job in the economic meltdown. We've all heard that expression, "Get a life!". Well, that's the right idea, but we just have to figure out where and with whom the getting is good. Part of our difficulty is our own despondency during grief; depression can slow us down to a crawl. Finding motivation to move forward can be difficult. Sometimes I have to get seriously fed up with my problems, before I get moving to find solutions. Sometimes we need professional help to get unstuck. Have you seen counselors or mental health professionals to help you with your grief? I have, and yes it helped. Bereavement groups, if you can find one, might give you a good connection with others who are having very similar issues. These forums, of course, are a good resource, but the face to face end of social interaction is completely absent here. We need to mix with real people, not just internet people. A more complete solution may be to find another life companion, though that may not feel right while we are still going through grief. I am not sure yet whether people are biologically geared to find one single mate for life, or whether people can move on well to others. I've seen some early widows who stay widowed and it can be heartbreaking. I think they have so much more life to give and share with others. Finding a second life with someone else may be more fulfilling, at least that's my best guess. Could you even think about dating? I personally might try out an online dating service. I don't know how it will go, because I am shy and do not readily rush into relationships. Redwind, you are certainly not alone in your feelings. I think the majority of people who read and post here feel stuck in similar ways and experience similar kinds of loneliness. Finding ways to re-engage ourselves in active life is the hard part. I hope others here are able to contribute to this thread; collecting a variety of ideas from a broader group of people is so much better that me giving solitary opinions. Besides, how can I help others when I am sometimes so thoroughly stuck myself? Anyway, I am glad you voiced your issues clearly; that's the first step towards finding solutions. Ron B.

Hi Mark. Now in my mid-fifties I've seen both of my parents die, and what a shock that has been. My own outlook on life has changed because of this. I can't say it's tragic that my parents died, because both of them lived into their 70's, and that's not too bad. What is really rotten, however, is how they died. Cancer got them both, while they were otherwise in very good health. So I know how brutal a cancer death can be. It was just last year that I was my mother's caregiver for her last months of life. I can actually blame someone for both of my parents deaths, but I don't know whether that really helps. In the early 1950's both my mom and dad were in the Nevada desert, relatively near the sites where above-ground atomic bomb testing was done. The US Government was not particularly concerned about public safety, because they were racing in hell-bent fashion to develop atomic weaponry. So, fast forward more than fifty years. My mother is becoming ill, and she discovers she has a special kind of leukemia. Her cancer specialist asks whether she had ever been exposed to nuclear radiation. At first she doesn't remember. Then she realizes where she got the cancer, and who is responsible. Generally there is no other way to get the kind of leukemia my mother had other than through exposure to nuclear radiation. Should I have anger? Maybe I should, but I have not dwelled on the circumstance of who caused my mother's death. Perhaps that's because it's a dead end; I can't do anything to fix what's happened. And I don't want the anger. I have had so much unruly emotion already over my mother's passing. I prefer to gather my thoughts when my mind is at peace. The memories of my parents are very dear to me, and any anger or unfinished business seems only to cloud my mind. The death of your animal friend from cancer is a very similar kind of loss. Dogs are so devoted to their people, and losing that devoted friend involves the same kind of pain as when we lose human friends or family. It's not fair that life should end! And to have it end brutally through cancer is a particular insult. No explanation that it's God's will or Nature's way is going to make you or me feel better. What helps me now is giving back to family and friends what my parents gave to me. Just simple caring for someone else is what helps me heal. Seems like a pretty simple solution. But I didn't start with a softened heart; I went through some hard anger. I had to think and feel my way forward in a struggle for answers. I feel whole again now, but I can't explain the process very well. I hope you find the right guidance here and elsewhere that will help you heal your own heart. Ron B.

Lostdaughter, As for the differences, there are two i can think of offhand. Even at the very beginning of my grief I was telling a counselor that grief was actually good. She thought grief was "horrible", and that I was a bit nuts. But I still believe in grief's good, as weird as it sounds. For me grief is a vehicle for personal growth, and the the pain is there for very good reason. Many if not most others here would revert back to normal times if they could, and be freed from grief. I rather want it to run its course through me, because I'm trying to pick through grief's message and learn. Who wants the pain? Me, and probably very few others. Another thing that's different is that I have not had a core group of friends or any kind of social life to speak of. Being completely alone is quite familiar to me; I am used to it. So I have not gone through that phase that so many others go through here of sorting out their friends. It's a shock when we discover these 'friends' don't even begin to understand our grief. So maybe I am lucky; I have not had to be testy with 'friends' and I have not had to engage in blunt communication. Now if it were family members at issue, oh yes I've had plenty of friction there and am probably not so different than you. The last thing you say is quite interesting to me. "Will I ever get to be important?" I never thought of my own issues in those words, but this does help me reframe my own thinking. I too want to be important. i want to have a place among other people where I do something that others value. Most people find this through their work, and I think most of us are fortunate when we have jobs that we like. I was happy in my work as a librarian, until I was laid off in a direct consequence of the economic meltdown. That job loss left me feeling unvalued, inconsequential, and completely unimportant. I rather like when I see more pompous people in relatively high positions get some comeuppance. I particularly like your rejection of that one therapist -- successful in his practice and with prosperous family -- yet he had you pegged as stuck in "depressive thinking". Until he has crossed to the other side of life and endured a little hardship, he will never actually understand many of the people he treats. I don't resent success, rather I think a person has to develop a depth of character through some actual struggle in their life. Spoiled kids tend to grow up as spoiled adults; they are able to take greedily but give so little back. Currently the lot of us here are tempering our character through grief, and while that may not make us important to others, it gives us a depth and substance that many lack. I don't want to leave out family life as something that makes us feel important. Finding a soulmate and producing offspring has got to be near the top of life's achievements, and not to have had that is in my opinion a kind of tragedy. Our culture for some reason results in a lot of single adults who are not particularly happy being alone. The extended family is also almost dead in our culture, and lack of that isolates us all the more. I have many relatives I hardly know at all, but I am working to correct that. Anyway, wanting to be important and finding ways to do that is an excellent topic. I hope you can report back with a perspective from your new therapist. Ron B.

Lostdaughter, Grief tests us all pretty severely. My personality has changed too. I've struggled with some of my own behaviors that I don't like, such as irritability and anger. I saw a therapist for several months and read though some dozen books on personal psychology. It helped settle out some of my charged emotionality. Still working on coping with profound sadness (depression). Yet I have acquired some new behaviors that are actually quite good. I have clearer lines of preference about people and things; I seem to know what I want in life with greater conviction. I steer around people and things that waste my time. I may be brusque sometimes, but I consider this a maturity I'm glad to have acquired. The trust issue is so broad I'm not sure where to begin. This may sound strange, but my personality has bloomed a bit through the experience of grief. I've been a very reserved person all my life, but the legacy of my mother has given me a kind of momentum. I feel like I am molting, breaking out of an old shell, and developing a new one. I am more confident and congenial around other people. So I think the pain of my grief is balanced by some real personal progress. But the first 3 months of grief were a pretty hellish time for me. At almost one year I feel the strength to move forward. I still get stuck not getting much done for days on end, but other days are quite productive. Like you I face issues of being single, without children, and add to that job loss. But I am not deterred. I am gaining conviction to do those things in life that I really want to do, because life is short. I'm not saying that your grief is just like mine; in fact I see major differences. What I am trying to say is that the ordeal of grief is not all bad. It seems to be an essential stage of growth after we lose a parent or parents. Every generation has to endure the passing of their parents. We learn and grow from the experience; at least that's my belief. I think you too will find a new maturity. Ron B.

Lostdaughter, I can relate, but my trouble is not just with friends. Most of my trouble has been with other family members, siblings in particular. Many things my 2 brothers and 1 sister have done seem so grossly inconsiderate. I really try to avoid thinking about stuff that angers me, because I just get all the more bent out of shape, and there's not much I can do that's actually constructive. It's particularly hard for me to forgive deliberately hurtful action; I am not sure whether you have experienced that. My sister has an axe to grind with me and interaction with her has been extraordinarily nasty. My choices are limited. I could cut my sister out of my life completely, but that would hurt me too. Carrying a grudge with intention to get even is not something I do easily. I want to live in peace with others. At a certain point right or wrong doesn't matter anymore; what matters is sustaining relationships with the people in my life, whether family or friends. I was going to say I haven't written people off since I've been grieving, but I realized just now that's not true. A 'friend' from high school recently contacted my brother and asked about me. My feelings were that the guy really was a jerk back then, and is probably a jerk now too, and I just didn't want to have contact with him again. I've grown a bit brusque with people, and that's a mild kind of cutting people off. Perhaps in our grief we learn to wall off other people to some degree; they don't pick up well on our emotional state, they can't support us as we need, and they can't see that we've lost interest being chummy or engaging in small talk. As for cutting people off in real anger and giving them a verbal drubbing, I haven't done much of that I can recall. Most of my anger gets vented upon clueless people, mostly strangers. In a Chinese restaurant last month I only had a hundred dollar bill to pay for lunch. When giving it to the waitress, she said: "You are a rich boy". That comment incensed me and within the hour I had written a scathing online review of their restaurant. Silly, I know. I should let a lot of things go, but some things get to me and I act them out. It's hard for me to give advice, other than my forgiveness rant. It seems like your former friends were a bit juvenile in using you to to make contact with someone else, and in making cutting comments about smokers. Maybe grief has made us broader than the petty stuff that runs around in most people's heads? There is both maturity in the new 'us', but also a level of intolerance. I wish I didn't care about what others say and do, but occasionally l get bent out of shape by small stuff. My stepfather used to say: "Don't sweat the small stuff!" I understand that much better now, because the big things are plenty enough to worry about. Maybe we should just put up with the little crappy comments and inconsiderate behaviors? Otherwise the solution is to give these people partial or complete exit from our lives. Anyway, I hope you find comfort in friends you have here. I know it's not the same as face to face relationships with 'real' people, but sometimes we 'virtual' people are a lot more caring and substantial. Ron B.

John, I have a couple of suggestions for you. From your initial post I saw pretty clearly that you have an ability to write well. Somehow you were able to communicate the recent trauma in your life and your feelings about it. That's very good, because a lot of people just shut down after something like that. I'm actually a bit amazed that you can focus and be articulate about your thoughts and feelings at all. I don't think I could do that after what you have been through. So here is one suggestion. Maybe try keeping a journal. Many people here do that so they can navigate through complex thoughts and feelings. I did it for the first 3 months after my mother died, and it helped. The journal kept me busy for an hour or two each day, when I really needed something to focus on. Somehow my issues managed to find their way into words, and that was a release of the tension I felt in those first weeks of grief. If you don't feel like writing to yourself in a journal, well then just keep posting here. Sometimes the traffic on this site is a bit slow, with only a handful of posts on some days. You many not get immediate responses, but you will generally get thoughtful and caring responses. It just takes a couple days for threads to run their course; some threads last for weeks, and even months. I think this site works so well, because the community is small, the topics are serious, and the moderation is done by a professional grief counselor. You will get to know the various people that post here and their issues. Seeing how the rest of us struggle to cope should help pull you away from that feeling of being stuck with constant rehashing of your own issues. I have another suggestion to help with loneliness. About a decade ago I was very active in chat rooms on Yahoo. The community there wasn't nearly as solid; there were always a few rude people thrown into the mix, and a lot of the people were kids without much of a clue. Still I was always able to find good people at all hours. That was a great resource for me when I needed to talk; I spent countless hours in those chat rooms. I know that chat rooms and online forums are not a substitute for face to face interaction with people, but they can help ameliorate loneliness. About alcoholism, I have seen it first hand in my own family; my step father fought it all his life. He attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and that really helped him. That might be a resource for you too, if you decide to tag your drinking as a problem. There are just so many issues to face, that it can be completely overwhelming. The advice that gets passed around here is simply to take one day at a time. Add to that one issue at a time. Please keep us regularly posted on how you are doing. Ron B.

Shelley, Did you take your forum moniker, Starkiss, from your family name, Starkey? I've sometimes wondered why a woman has to take a man's family name in marriage. It's just not fair to lose the family name! Why not have the guy take on the woman's family name? Or, to be fair about it, at least combine the two names into a compound name? Anyway, Starkey is a beautiful family name. I like the way you guard it. Big fish shouldn't eat little fish either, I agree. Ron B.

Hi Melina - Maybe there are some very positive things about grieving with family. First, you are not grieving all by yourself, and neither are they. Maybe you are stronger together! You say you wish your kids didn't have to go through this grief, but I'm not so sure grief is all bad. Of course you would rather see your kids happy, but loss is part of life, and learning to face it honestly might also be a good thing. Heartbreaking, definitely. I like that you said you wish you could carry their pain. Maybe you already are carrying some of it! Life now is surely difficult, but you have to unburden yourself too when you can; your kids are probably helping you in carrying your own pain. That's how family works; the caring runs deep, as does the mutual support. My best guess is that psychological damage from loss generally doesn't happen when there is strong interpersonal support, as in a family grouping. Greetings from the San Francisco bay area; the weather here is overcast and chilly, probably a lot like Norway. - Ron B.

Hi Logan. There are several things that seem to be causing you grief. The main things seem to be loss of your mom, loss of your job, divorce, and the grave illness of your father. All are all pretty weighty sources for grief. I can identify with several of your losses, in that I have recently lost both parents, and I also lost my job last year. There are plenty of other people in these forums that have endured a similar scale of loss, so you should feel some confidence that you will be understood when you post here. I hope you don't mind that I like to ask and answer very basic questions about grief. I frequently wonder: Why is grief so debilitating? Why are our emotions so shaken? How are we supposed to survive the pain and heal? Well, I have found partial answers, at least for myself. I've thought through my many small breakdowns, when my own raw emotion has spilled out uncontrollably. With some frequency I've been able to find soulful expression of my own feelings too, whether in writing, in communication with friends, or in private thought. I am sure that both the breakdowns and the more controlled expressions of feeling have a place in the healing process. I think of it as getting an education through grief. As for the breakdowns, I am learning how to swim in heavy seas of emotion. As for occasions when I can successfully express feeling, it's more like wading through the stress of grief and knowing that I will be ok. All of it is a struggle. As a kid and young adult I was blind to grief, and had no idea that it could rock my world. Now in middle age, it's like I am getting a basic education that was totally left out of my life until now. And it's not just about learning to cope with emotions, it's also very much about the people that I've lost. I am trying to recover the legacy of these people. In my own memory that legacy is important, but I try to recover it through photographs, through memorabilia, through writing, and through the stories passed down in my family. It's like I am reorienting my basic values. And I don't mean to say that getting stuck in grief is good, because it's not. Grief has a place in our lives, but it's learning how to pass through it that's important. The normal things in life besides loss are all still available to us; we are just learning how to re-engage and find those things. I didn't mean to babble on so much here; a cup of Peet's coffee had my mind rolling. Anyway, welcome to our forums, and please feel free to tell your story here. You will be understood, and you will probably gain insight from others into your own grief and how to go about healing. Ron B.

Allana, There have been a number of very good posts in these forums about finding solutions to sleep disorders. Use the search feature! I too had trouble getting normal sleep in my first months of grief, but I did resolve the problem. I started to get regular exercise. No major work-out, just biking or swimming for a half hour to an hour several times a week. Even going for walks is enough to get our limbs to start moving, pick up our heart rate, and relieve nervous tension. Anyway, exercise helped me a lot, and I hope it can be of help to you. Ron B.

Walter, Well, you have been through a lot of very serious trauma. So much so I'm cracking open a dictionary to make a point about the meaning. Trauma: A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from mental or emotional stress or physical injury. Repairing the damage from trauma isn't simple stuff. I think it's complicated, requires lots of work, takes lots of time, and probably requires professional help. My advice, since you are asking, is to get psychiatric help. If I were you I'd wouldn't just settle for the first shrink I found; I'd try to get referrals to a shrink who specializes in dealing with severe trauma. You will probably be able to find someone you can work well with. I want to be clear on one thing; I am not saying in any way that you are crazy. Only seriously traumatized. And you have new parenting responsibilities, taking on your friend's son and daughter. That's a lot to deal with. Talking about your issues in these forums will probably help you. And, you can probably assist in helping others; that too is therapeutic. Glad you found us. I hope we can give you some kind of guidance. Ron B.

2sweetgirls, It saddens me to read of your father's passing so soon after the loss of your mother. I too have lost both of my parents. I too have that feeling of being alone, and I wonder a lot about who I am now that they are gone. Somehow it's up to me and my siblings to carry on for what my parents started. They are in me in ways I can not begin to describe. They had their faults, but that no longer matters. What make sense to me now is the good they passed on; I want to carry on their legacy. I hope you too can find a legacy that matters; may it guide you through grief. Ron B.

I'll share just one thing that has really helped raise my morale. I find that music lifts my mood, but it's how I do my music that makes the difference. I have a nice collection of old tube audio gear and exotic speakers. It's a strange hobby, I'll admit that. I have nothing else of real value in my life, not even a car. But on this one thing I have not cut corners. When I've got the gear working the music sounds almost tangible. Some people think I'm nuts. The gear sucks up half of the space in my living room, and may not look very pretty. But when my mood sinks, and I start to feel a bit raw, I turn on the gear and the music just carries me away. I realize that grief frequently causes us to lose interest in our hobbies and pastimes. That's what is so weird; my music was one thing that was able to reach me through the worst of grief. So I'm asking a question. Do you have an interest or hobby that really helps you? It could be gardening, cooking, sports, photography, family gatherings, pets. Or so many other things. I hope I am not alone in finding something that is still engaging, something I still care about. Please mention one thing that helps carry you through grief. Ron B.

Abergsma, I have a suggestion, which may not work for you, but it did help me. Do you ever make lists to help keep your affairs organized? When I was feeling my worst, those lists I assembled spelled out exactly what had to get done. I'd put stars by the things that were more urgent, and pass over the other things. Every morning i'd stare at the list and know what had to get done. It was a kind of remindering that was dogged; I just couldn't ditch the things I knew I had to do. And somehow all the important things got done. And the things that really weren't so important just fell off my lists. I really wanted to pull the blanket over my head, curl up in a ball, and never get out of bed. But there are waking hours every day, when your mind is cognizant and able. It may not be more than a hour a day that you can apply yourself to business. But that hour, if that's all you can muster, is usually enough to get the ball rolling with your affairs. That's 'grief work'. We may not feel like doing a lot of things, but we do them because they have direct bearing on our welfare. So long as you make an effort, you will make progress. And that's hope. Just doing a thing or two every day is enough so we know we are not completely stuck. I feel a bit sheepish about giving advice here; my own struggle with essential business while going through grief was like trial by fire. I survived it without any major disaster; maybe that is enough. Ron B.

Shelley - I was worried about you. I saw that you hadn't come by these forums in a couple weeks. Don't forget you have friends here. I know that some days are particularly difficult. I am coming up on 1 year since my Mother's death, November 1st. I am pretty sure I will be able to be with other family during this time, otherwise I would be seriously distressed. As you get through the weekend, you can always post here and be with friends. We need your support too, just as you need ours. - Ron B.

Mellisa, Seems like grief has turned your perspective on life to gloom, and you feel stuck. Well, that seems pretty normal. Grief is debilitating; everybody on this site will agree to that. So the issue is how to climb out of it. Our grief counselor here, Marty, talks about 'grief work'. As I understand it, 'grief work' is about finding and doing things that will make us feel better. It doesn't have to be herculean effort type stuff, just find modest things that you know you can do. Examples: In my first months of grief I was stuck in my apartment almost 24/7 and going stir-crazy.. So I started bike riding and swimming in the local municipal pool. And I did start feeling better. I also wanted to preserve my Mom's legacy, so I put together a cook book of all her recipes. This stuff made me feel better; pretty simple. I'm not saying it's easy to bounce out of grief; it's not. I'm just saying that we have to find things into which we can invest a little positive energy. So long as you are making an honest effort at something, you are doing the grief work, whether you know it or not. The gloom starts to lift a bit as we find things that make us feel better. Anyway, that's how I am slowly getting unstuck. At month 11 after my Mother's passing, I actually feel that I'm learning a lot from grief. It's not just about pain. Ron B.