Cheryl

Thankyou for posting your pictures. Reading your words then seeing the pictures brought the reality of your loss and your love together for me. When I read that you felt you were starting to emerge from the grief to find yourself back in it again, I felt you were speaking for me. I hope sharing your thoughts and reading all of ours will help ease the pain.

Cheryl

I am so sorry Branden died. You will need to be patient with yourself. Please let everyone both at home and at this site grieve with you and listen. Each time a new person posts I cry for them and the pain they feel. Please know that even though I don't know you, I understand the pain of losing the one you love and wish I could make it all go away.

I miss the words, "I'm a lucky man, you're such a good wife." I miss the way I fit spooning him on the couch watching NCIS.

Bill, I think one of the hardest things for me to except since Mark died is that I don't seem to be able to control grief. Now that the pain is not all consuming it's the sadness and sorrow that hits me full force and seems to knock me down for hours or sometimes days.

Never, ever did I think it would be possible for me to be this sad person. I feel so nieve that people all around the world, since the begining of time, have been suffering like me and yet I was so unaware. I miss my haappy self and that is what keeps pushing me along. I will be that person again but wiser and more sensitive and less judgemental.

I feel my husband by my side very often. He encourages me and tells me to slow down and stop pushing so hard. He holds my hand and misses me too.

This was sent to me today and it brought me strength. Hope you all feel the same! Enjoy your Sunday. Cheryl

The Seasons of Life

There was once a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly and to be paitent. He sent them on a quest, to go and look at a pear tree. The first son went in the winter. The second in the spring, the third in the summer and the youngest in the fall. When they had all gone and returned he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted. The second son said is was covered with green buds and full of promice. The third son agreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them, he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fufillment.

The man explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen only one season in the trees life. He told them you can not judge a tree, or a person, by only one season. That the essence of who they are, and the pleasure, joy and love that come from life, can only by measured when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's your winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer and the fufillment of your fall.

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Persevere through the difficult seasons and better times are sure to come in time.

Aspire to inspire... before you expire.

Live simply, love generously, and deeply. Speak kindly and let God help.

Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrow keeps you human, failures keep you humble, success keeps you growing and god keeps you going.

Melina I completely relate. I too feel like I failed my kids. My husband was reckless on a motorcycle and died. Our kids are 13 and 17. I know it's not my fault and he didn't mean to make the mistake but I can't help but feel that it didn't have to turn out this way. My kids deserved more. I think the guilt is part of the grief process. The reality is that bad things happen to a lot of people no matter how hard they try to always live the right way. Why not us?

I hope you can put your guilt aside quickly. I know it's normal but I don't wish the pain on anyone. You are all doing a great job going through the emotions. Be proud. Cheryl

Thanks Suzanne

Wearing my rings made me feel like I was in denial about Mark's death. Forcing myself to take them off helped me face that he was physically gone. Our rings are together slid over a spiral sea shell we found on the beach. It's my little memorial, I have pictures of us on the beach on either side of the rings. In a strange way it makes me feel closer to him by having our rings together. Since he can't wear his it seemed right for mine to be with his. Sound weird?

I know some people think I'm showing a sign that I've moved on or I'm ready to date. But I don't care what they think. It was a very personal decision and I don't feel that I owe anyone an explanation. Nor do I think anyone should take their rings off if they don't want too. I understand and respect that we are all diffrent and our rings are so personal. I wear a pendent of a circle with small dimonds around my neck everyday. It was the last piece of jewelry Mark gave me and he was so excited to give it to me. I remember telling him," This represents our love, a never ending circle". He said, "Oh I just thought it was pretty". Typical guy!

Tonight at my support group a new women joined our group. Her husband was killed 3 months ago while riding his bike to work. She has just started her fifth chemotherapy treatment and has a five year old daughter. It was difficult to know she was fighting for her life while greiving the new loss of her husband. She wasn't reallly able to talk she is so sad. It made me realize it could be worse.

I suggest you talk to a counselor to help you sort out your felings about moving away so soon.Sometimes it's hard to seperate what we want and what we need to do when we are in so much turmoil.

MZM if you like candles you might like this idea. For the one year anniversary of Mark's death I gathered smooth river rock about four inches in diameter. We all gathered as a family and each took stones from the pile and wrote something about Mark on a stone. Most were single words that described him. Some people wrote a memory. Later I got a big platter and put three candle holders with candles in the middle and grouped the stones around them.

It was a nice way to start talking and remembering Mark without a big memorial ceremony. Especially for my kids who have seen enough sadness this last year. It sits on our coffee table. Each of us has our own candle and when we are having a tough day we light our candle to signal to the rest we are struggling. It has really helped my kids express themselves without speaking. It opens the door for me to ask them what's wrong or making them sad.

Dear Suzanne,

After I read my post I realized that it didn't sound the way I meant it and I wondered how it would be precieved by you and others. I poorly worded my point on sorrow and what we choose to do with it. There are days when I can do nothing because the pain is so intense. This is when grieving is at it's peak and when patience is all I can have. I'm so sorry that my words sounded so thoughtless and cavalier. We all have to find the things in life that bring us relief, mine was only meant to be an example of how the things we once took for granted can now help so much. For me it is often just sitting in the sunshine and I hope we all can find that one thing that brings us some relief.

Thankyou for saying a prayer for me and all of us who are believers in Christ. In church on Sunday the guest Pastor talked about encouragement. The one thing everyone needs is encouragement. I thought of all the family and friends who have encouraged me to get up and keep trying everyday. Without the encouragement of others I think I would be stuck. Thank you for your encouragement and I'm so glad you spoke up about my post and how it sounded. Please know in my heart I had the right intentions. Love Cheryl

My daughter was born 17 years ago today. I thought all my firsts were over. But last year ago at this time my husband had only been dead one week. I was in a fog and I don't even remember the day. But this morning I woke up from a dream about Mark and faced the reality that 17 yeras ago today we became parents for the first time. Less than a year into our marriage, full of excitement and eager to be the best parents in the world. We were the idealic couple. Never fought and so in love. It didn't change not for the entire time we were married. We were always the couple that help hands, that hugged that didn't want to be apart.Oh I wish I could share with you all that we had. We were not supposed to be apart. I don't know what I did wrong to have this happen. I can't stand it. I'm having such a sad night.

There are two people in my supprot group who lost there husband to the same thing. It seems very common and yet I had never heard of it?

HI PopPop,

I think for the rest of my life I will look at most people and think to myself, they don't even know how painful life can be. Most people's problems seem so silly to me now too. I can't relate to there world. I go to the grocery store and I wonder, is there anyone else walking the isles feeling like me, grieving like me? Today I got my nails done because I couldn't spend another minute alone in the house and I knew it would take at least two hours. The lady next to me was asked what she was doing for the holiday weekend and she respnded, "Nothing it would have been our anniversery and I know I won't be good company." I should have said something to her but I didn't, now I'm kicking myself. She probably whould have loved someone to ask or care. It just caught me off gaurd.

Oh PopPop I hope things get easier for you. I'm so sorry Robin died. Cheyl

Good advice, Cheryl, but how long did this take? I mean before you began trying to re-enter the world? I'm soon at the one month mark and still feeling pretty raw emotionally. I've never been a social butterfly, and always felt I had enough with my husband. Now I realize I should have built up a stronger network, which I will probably need at some point. Being completely alone is actually pretty scary.

Melina

There have been many diffrent steps, I can't pinpoint a time when everything suddenly changed. It was very gradual. When Mark first died just trying to go for a walk around the block was incredibly painful, I avoided all my neighbors and went the other way if they were out front. But forcing myself to do something outdoors somehow helped me with the awful emotional pain. Then trying to go to work, which took several attempts and many early days home. Forcing myself to go to a support group at two months was the next step. Cried all the way there and hated everyone who was smiling at me. But it helped sooo much. At three months it was thanksgiving, followed by christmas. Which as you can imagine found me in the house with the blinds drawn. I couldn't go to a xmas party. Each month I would try something new and sometimes I felt good and other times things backfired and I was really depressed.

I don't want to scare or depress anyone but it really took me a full year before I was ready to be around any type of social situation. I am like you, I did everything with my husband and it wasn't out of being shy, I just loved being with my husband and didn't see any reason to do things without him.

But at some point I began to accept the fact that he was really not coming back and I needed to either choose to live or give up. I have never failed at anything before. There are days I am so excited about my progress but there are many still where I feel very sorry for myself and suprised that this really happened to me.

Everytime I hear about a happy second marraige, I pray that someday my heart will be open. I love Mark so much but the thought of being alone the rest of my life is too hard to bare. I'm no where ready to date again the thought turns my stomach but six months ago I was ready to end my life. So things change with hard, hard work.

I heard this song months ago on a christian radio channel but couldn't remember the name. I finally remembered enough of the words to do a google search. It's a real tear jerker. I often wonder if my husband misses me as much as I miss him. I want him to konw that I need him to save a place for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc. Let me know what you all think.

I dream about Mark at least once a month. Last night was one of those nights. A short little dream. I was in the backyard getting ready to throw a ball into the pool for the dog to fetch. I looked down and saw someone swimming along the bottom of the pool. I knew my son was out of town and thought one of the neighbor kids was playing around. Then out popped my husband. Laughing and smiling. My heart soared and I started running to him. Pure, overwhelming joy! I screamed, Mark you're back, I've missed you! He laughed again and he was so perfect, so himself and so happy to see me too. Then I woke up. Instant heart wrenching pain hit me. I just lay there trying to remember his laugh and his big smile. Reliving the dream over and over.

I like to dream about Mark but sometimes I wonder if it's worth the pain I always feel when I wakeup.

Something positive.... hmm... Well a friend that I hadn't heard from in months called asking how I was doing. I told her I had signed up for a bible study class and was trying really hard to start doing activities with real live people! By the end of the conversation she arranged to change her schedule to make it a girls night out for dinner and bible study every other tuesday. She asked me to join her and a group of friends for bowling on monday nights. I guess they watch monday night football on the big screen and bowl at the same time. A mixture of couples and singles. Although I wouldn't commit to every monday night I agreed to go at least once. She mentioned one of the gals in the group lost her husband three years ago to cancer and had just remarried. Perhaps she would make a good sounding board for advice on how to make a new life for myself.

This is huge progress for me. My husband and I did everything together and do go anywhere fun without him would have seemed impossible a couple months ago.

I think it's safe to say that when the loss is fresh the pain is so raw that being around or even seeing couples is heartbreaking. There will come a time when you will take any company willing to visit. Most people don't know what to say to a widow and are very afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. They'll try once and never again.

You might want to be direct and tell your Sister-in-law that so many visitors at once would be overwhelming, but you'd love if she would come by herself to sit and talk with you. Try to set up a schedule with visitors so that you don't spend all your time alone. Even a short visit will let people know they shouldn't give up on you.

So many of my friends simply stopped calling when I couldn't communicate what I needed from them. Now I'm having to rebuild and repair the damage. I have started calling old friends and telling them that I'm trying to re-enter the world and would love if they'd stop by for a visit sometime.

Try not to be hard on yourself. If it's too hard to see anyone just say I can't today, how about tomorrow when I feel better. This will help keep the door open.

It's been a year since Mark died and it's time for me to start the process of figuring out who I am now? I took my kids to a new church on sunday trying to start fresh where the memories of him were not in the pews. It was really good to hear the music and listen to the pastor's words. I only cried once and everyone thought it was because of the message.

Last night as I drove to the new members welcome coffee event, I became very angry. I should be at home sitting on the porch with my husband having a glass of wine and hearing about his day!! Instead I'm scared and lonely and hating the idea of meeting new people. This is a stupid idea and I wanted to crawl under the covers for another month.

I sat in the parking lot for an extra 5 minutes wondering if I would be the first or only person to show. When I peaked in the door there were over thirty women! Wow! Suddenly I had a bit more confidence and even excitement that I wouldn't stand out as the widow in the room. After introductions they asked us to interview three people in ten minutes and get to know them and something significant to share about their life. I wanted to avoid the whole widow topic. I talked about my kids, my love of cooking and the great outdoors. I was more than just a widow, no one need know. Then the person I was interviewing told me she had two kids and was happliy married for 20 years. I suddely realized she assumed I was a single, divorced women. A failure at keeping my marriage intact! I quickly pointed out that I had been married for 17 wonderful years that I had lost my wonderful husband one year ago, that I was a widow. My big secret was out. The look on her face was shock and sadness. I've already lost most of my friends because they don't know what to do with me and here I've gone and blown it with the first person I meet!

As I drove home I realized that even though I don't want to be difined as a widow I don't want people to assume I'm divorced. My marraige was so strong and healthy, I shouldn't be ignoring it! Who am I now? And how will new people view me if I'm honest? This new life really sucks!

I have read a ton of grief books. This one is my bible. A Time To Grieve", By Carol Staudacher. I carry it with me in the car and it gets me through the rough times. It validates everything I feel. It was compiled with the help from grievers all around the world. You can flip to any page and feel a kinship.

The worst book I read said to set aside twenty minutes a day to cry. All I could think of was 20 minutes!!! I must be really screwed up! I'm lucky if get twenty minutes of relief a day from crying!

Hope you're doing better! Cheryl

Hi Kayc,

I've felt like I've gotten to know you the last several months through the loss of a spouse forum. I haven't been to this forum before, but came across this thread. You have brought such strength to all of us on the other forum through the loss of your precious husband and your grief journey. Your kind words have meant a lot to me. I didn't know that your fiance was out of your life and I don't know if there are any words I can share that might help you. I can only imagine the pain you must be in having lost your husband and then finding love again and then feeling tossed aside.

He sounds like he was a lot of fun and a new companion you thought you could depend on. But he also sounds weak and selfish. I'm sure losing him makes you feel like you are all alone again. What are you doing to get through this? Have you been able to start planning your future without him? I know you are a strong person from your other entries. You pushed through the pain of losing your husband, healing along the way. I guess I want to find a way to tell you that you can heal from this too. Please know how much you mean to all of us and I hope you find strength. In fact I know you'll find strength!

Love Cheryl

Hi Melina,

I also felt like I couldn't go on. I knew my kids needed me but I was unable to be what they needed. I just wanted the pain to end. I told a few friends and they were really freaked out. They told me I had to handle the pain. I really felt like they couldn't understand and I hated hearing them tell me anything. They were not in my shoes, they had no right to tell me I had to handle it!

At my support group a man had lost his wife to suicide and I didn't feel comfortable talking about ending my life in front of him. One week he missed a meeting and my horrible burden came tumbling out. Every single person in our group began to tell a story of wanting to die. Some of us had even figured out a way to do it. It was probably the best meeting we ever had. I realized I was not alone in my thoughts. That I wasn't crazy for feeling like death was my way out. I began to write down my feelings whenever I thought I wanted to die. It helped me get through the pain. The next day I would go back and read what I wrote and think wow I had a really bad night. Just focusing on the task of writing down the pain helped me get through the pain.

You can find a path. Your path through the pain will be diffrent from mine. It is hard work and it will get easier as you keep working on it. You can do this for your family and eventually you will do it for yourself.

We are all here for you. We will be sttrong for you when you can't be strong.

Love Cheryl

My husband was 49 and I am 45. I felt just like you. A year of gief and crying? Everyone is different though. You won't be able to put a timeline on the process nor can you turn it of and on like a light switch. As the pain diminishes, grief rears it's ugly head when you least expect it.

I say I still cry every day, but they are different tears now. For many months it was extreme pain and agony, disbelief that he could really be gone. Angry tears that other women had their husbands and didn't even like them! Now I cry because I just miss him and I'm sad that I have to go on without him. Sad for what could have been.

There is hope and excitement that I will survive and I will be happy again. In the begining I found that I couldn't look too far into the future becaue all my plans had been ruined and the wife I saw myself as died when he died. I found it easier to focus on what had to be done and then resting. Baby steps.

I think everyone who comes to this site will tell you that we are all a lot alike, each of us are on a journey and can draw strength for the things we read but we will all be faced with diffrent challenges and some of us are weaker, while others are stronger.

Everytime a new person writes there first words on this site my heart breaks for them. I am so sad for you and I wish I could make it better.

Big Hugs! Cheryl