Cheryl

Dear MZM,

You are in the thick of acute grief. The times when you need to cry and mourn all that you have lost and all that could have been. It is very painful. it will come and go for a long time. But as you allow yourself to feel the pain you are also moving through the pain.

There comes a time soon after the death of our loved ones when we begin to realize everything in a new light. We knew the instant our loved one died that things were forever changed, but now we begin the process of living those awful changes. The pain you are feeling will allow you to heal. It will allow you to adjust to your new circumstances. You will need to be patient with yourself. You need to understand that what you are feeling is normal. It is understandable to doubt that the pain will subside. Please keep in mind that there is a purpose to the pain and that at some point it will diminish. You will experience more peace and you will feel somewhat like your old self again.

I have read your posts and you have been very brave. You have been through so much. You have been a real fighter. Please know that you are not alone and that there is hope. Please rest and know that we all want to embrace you and that you are not alone. Cheryl

I have been watching the miners reach the surface after 69 days. I am so happy for the families and have cried after each were rejoined with there loved ones. But I have also been devestated all day. I can't stop feeling torn. I have rewound the day of Mark's death over and over. The long trip to the emergency only knowing he had been in a terrible accident. Waiting for the doctor to come tell me how he was. The endless fear. Then the horrifying words that he had not survived. Being taken to the room where I climbed onto the gurney and wrapped myself around my dead husband. Never getting a chance to say goodbye while he was alive. I won't get to see my husband emerge from this. He is gone and I am watching these happy faces and I'm so jealous.

They had never fought until after Mark died. It's been twice now. They don't get as much attention because I am gone all day. Mark was home fixing equipment for jobs alot during the day. I am sure it's because of our lifestyle change. I have learned that they fight only when they are both trying to get attention from me at the same time. For now I'm keeping them seperated when I'm not home so that they can greet me seperatly when I return. So many changes to my life and none of them are easy.

That's great news! I'm so happy you are able to gather strength from this experience!

The pain of losing a loved one is on every page of this site. I am so sorry you you lost someone you loved so much. We all grieve in different ways. Who cares if you sleep with the urn. It is your way of feeling close to the person you lost. I only hope that you can find comfort. Welcome to this site.

It has always been we. Since I was 25 years old we have been attached at the hip. Everyone at first thought we were brother and sister. Later we were the golden couple. But we have always been we. It is so hard to be I. I miss being we. My kids miss me being apart of we. They have never known just one of us. It was always both of us. Ask your father, ask your mother and then we would decide. I miss being we. I hate being I. Tomorrow is another friday. I think we all should come up with a plan. One we can't get out of. I hate hearing us all so sad on another saturday. I am going to try hard to not hide. I am going to try really hard to not isolate.

Melina,

I have found an awesome book that details everything about grief. What I especially like is that it explains what is happening to us and what steps we need to take to move through the grief process. It is written by a Doctor who wrote books for grief professionals and not wrote one for patients.

It is called How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies By Therese A. Rando, PH.D.

This book literaly walks you through the necessary processes of grieving and helps you find the best possible way to chart your own path. It details how the circumstances behind our loved ones death, the role they played in our life and our own preceptin of the relationship effect how we deal with a loss. More than anythig it paints a clear picture of what normal grieving is and talks about how easily grief can become unresolved or stuck if we are not allowing ourselves to move through the pain.

I have read it twice and learned something new each time. At first I felt bombarded by all the information but the second time I read it I felt so validated. I'm not as crazy as I feel!

One of the things I learned is that through crying, remembering and reviewing all that I once shared and all that I have now lost, I am loosening and defusing the emotional charge. These emotional feelings will lessen in intensity and and gradually over time it will reach a point where I can remember what I used to be and what I used to have and not be overwhelmed. I may not be happy about it but I will not constantly be grieveing about it. At some point the memories will be comforting instead of painful.

I hope this help! Cheryl

I hope you get to eat cake and blow out candles! Happy Birthday!

Every first is hard. On the big holidays I found the need to try to keep tradition and try to keep things the way they were before. It was too painful to try and do things diffrent. My kids and I needed to feel like we didn't have to give up the things we had always done as a family. This year I'm feeling the opposite. I think I need to try a few new things. For thanksgiving I think we will try to go with friends rather than cook for ourselves. It was very hard not having him help me stuff the bird and make the stuffing. Although we did okay I think this year would be masocistic to do it again. I love cooking my own bird so I think I'll do it a week before or a week after but without the hoopla of the big day.

For birthdays and anniversaries I have made it a point to celebrate with close friends and family in a memorial type of way. For Mark's birthday we got a small group together and made his favorite dinner and dessert. We talked about missing him and funny things he did. It was better than being alone and it helped me to hear other people share memories of him.

We had our normal easter party and I made a story board of pictures that we sat on a table for people to come by and look at. We lit a candle next to it and it helped break the ice to talk about him. I included pictures from when the kids were little and we all laughed at them.

I think everyone is unique and there isn't a best way to do anything. What has helped me might be too painful for others. But the worst thing would be to not face the painful feelings and ignore the day or event. Even if I choose to be all alone on a memorble day I think I would need to grieve for what I can't have anymore.

Reading your post overwhelms me. You are juggling way too much with that type of a commute added to everything. You have got to figure out a way to delegate some of your outside rsponsibilities to others. I think it is important to listen to the your therapist but you also need to feel comfortable with what they are asking you to do. We are all here pulling for you and hoping you find some relief to your pain.

Carol Ann,

Was this comment made during your group session? How did the facilitator of your group handle the comment? After group did you have the opportunity to discuss with her if this ignorance was going to be tolerated? Maybe this person should find a diffrent group! I would think the other people in the group may be silent because they are shocked but they don't agree? I know it might be hard for your to pursue this but you need to at least talk to the organizers of your grief group to see how they feel about it.This is hard enough without studpidity and unkindness. I am dumbfounded. I'm so sorry you been made to feel diffrent. Your love deserves the same respect. You are not alone in this, that I can promise you.

Thank you everyone! All your support and similar experiences help me understand it's all part of the progress. I am doing sooo much better. I was really caught off gaurd by the intensity of the grief but I'm realizing now that it was due to a bunch of things piling up. Something needed to give and it was my emotional state that spiraled out of control with the dog fight. I think that because I have made so much progress I didn't think it was possible to take such a big step backward. It felt like failure but was actually a reality check, there are still ups and downs. Some of the downs will be bigger than others. I will be more prepared for something like this if it happens again. I have decided to meet with the therapist in two weeks so that she can help me set goals and expectations that are realistic. I need someone to push me a little bit, someone impartial and trained in grief recovery. I think I might be expecting too much sometimes. I want things to be "normal" again. I need help defining the new normal. It is a happy wednesday! And my sweet dog is recovering. thanks all!

I have had a particular rough three days. To the point that I got a hold of my support group and asked for a list of therapists that specialized in grief counseling. I have felt like I might be having a nervous breakdown. Anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, heart racing and serious sadness. Not to the point of contemplating suicide but to the point that once again I see no hope and no way out. I have felt overwhelmed by simple tasks and unable to participate in anything. Cooking, cleaning, phone calls are barely getting done. I have felt lost and utterly alone. I have felt like I have no idea how to proceed.

It was all triggered by my two dogs getting into a fight and one being horribly mauled. Blood everywhere and her skin peeled back in flaps. I couldn't get the fight to stop and when I finally got them apart, I completely lost it. My kids had to call a neighbor to come peel me off the front lawn and rush my dog to the emergency vet. I needed my husband so desperatly to hold me up and he wasn't there. My poor neighbor listened to me wail and started to cry when he could not get me to stop freaking out. It has taken me three days to feel like I might be able to breath again.I have never fallen apart like this. Even when the Doctor told me that Mark had died in the wreck I kept it together. I feel like my world has finally caved in on me. I know all the things to say to myself and what I am supposed to do but I have no desire to even try. It's like I have finally been broken. Grief wins and I can no longer fight.

I am forcing myself to go to my support group tonight but I feel like I am in a fog. I have pulled out all my grief books and they say the same thing. Be patient. It feels good to write about my set back but I still feel defeated and so very, very sad for all that I have lost. I didn't do anything to deserve this amount of pain. I can tell I'm starting to ramble. If only my Mark would come take care of me.

I haven't been apart of this kind of situation but my gut tells me that you will need to figure out some way to be "friends" with their mom, even if you have to fake it. I think if you can stay out of the messy adult part and just love the girls regardless of their mom you will have a better chance of keeping them as a part of your life. I can't imagine the added stress this must be having on your grief and your family life. It's hard enough trying to make a home without our loved one but the stress of losing the girls too breaks my heart. It always seems like the kids get caught. They are lucky to have you in their life. Maybe your girls can help plan activities and have it be their idea to extend the invitations ect...? I wish I had better ideas...

I remember the numbness starting to wear off and the reality of Mark's death hitting me also. These are the times where one minute at a time followed by one hour at a time works best. Feel free to cry for a while then rest. Don't try to plan your life or even see your life past now. There is no reason to push yourself past the moment you are now in. Times of acute grief are the resting times. The time the body and mind needs to mourn and rest. Adapting our mind and wrapping ourselves around what has happened. Not for planning or over thinking. Take a small walk even if it's just to the tree in the front yard. Give your self a pat on the back for wanting something more and reaching out to people who can understand. You are brave and even though you don't feel strong there is something in you that is pushing you to want something more.

Thank you everyone for making me feel better. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone even though I often feel alone. I never thought this chapter in my life wold happen so soon. Another weekend over, another start to a new week.

We were together for twenty years and apart for only one. I have been beating myself up for not being able to be stronger for myself. I am good at giving advice, sharing my journey but I am still in pain. I feel like a failure. Shouldn't it be easier for me. I read the words of new people and their new grief and I feel like I am in a diffirent place and then there are nights like tonight when I feel like I am starting all over. Ground one again. Wanting to die waiting for another day to pass and trying so hard to be someone I don't feel like being. Twenty years of partnership, twenty years of love, twenty years of sharing, giving and taking. I don't know how to be someone else. I miss me. I miss being happy and I don't know how to some else after twenty years.

I would love to replace this pain with love. Someday I fully expect to be ready to open my heart to someone else. Right now I am too lost in grief to be able to love someone else the way they should be loved. Because I know how speacial real love is I am eager to do the grief work that will allow me to move past this loss and enjoy life with someone diffrent. No one can replace my Mark but I hope to replace this lonliness.

I am 46 years old. The sudden death of my husband is my most significant loss. My husband and I did not share emails or texts. Only one friend sent me weekly texts messages of support and love, for about two months. I didn't save them but I did respond to each text. I got at least a hundred cards in the mail. I saved all of them and they are special because they express the pain and sadness of my friends. Someday I will read them all again. The mortuary had a memorial page that people could post messages to our family for about a month. I printed them and saved them. They were also special to me because of the grief they shared with me. It would not be as important as a burial spot. I have hand written notes that my husband wrote. They are special because his scribble is unique to him. The actual scribble is more important to me than the words. They can't be duplicated. I have no voice records of my husband but a yearn and wish for one. Just to hear his voice agin I would give any amount of money. I am not a part of facebook. I found this site four months after he died. I was desperate for companionship and needed to talk to people that understand what I am going through. Most of my friends and family pretend that everything is okay and do not want to hear about my pain. Online grief support has become one of the few avenues I have for support and has probably brought me the most strength. Memorial sites are unimportant to me unless it is someone I know personaly.

Please don't stop reaching out to your co worker. I have suffered a terrible, sudden loss with the death of my husband in an accident and I can tell you that almost everyone disappeared after a short time. My grief has been an ever present companion and I yearn for someone to acknowledge not only my pain but also my husbands life. Very few people will call me because they are so worried about saying the wrong thing or ruining my day. The reality is that my loss is much deeper than a passing emotion. My loss has changed my identity, I am now the widow instead of there friend.

My husband died two months before our 18th anniversary. My mother in law suprised me by coming by with a bouquet of flowers. We decided to take the kids to lunch at my husbands favorite restaraunt and had the mariachis play some of the songs my husband loved. They thought we were crazy white women sobbing while they sang La Cucaracha. I don't like to be alone with my grief so I needed to be with my family. There is nothing you can say that will make your mom more sad than she is but there may be things she doesn't want to do. I would talk to her before the day and share with her how much you want to be there for her in what ever way she needs you. If she needs to be alone then I would be sure to call her and share with her your memories and feelings. The worst thing people have done for me is to do nothing. Most of my friends just pertend like everything is okay. Which hurts worse. I pray everyday that more of my family and friends would reaqch out and acknowledge my pain.

What a huge step and I'm so happy your are making a change that will not only make yur life easier but one that you feel is right. Congratulations!

I started crying before I even read the poems. They are beautiful and really say it all. Thanks for sharing them. Cheryl

I understand the pain of loss and the overwhelming feeling that life is meaningless. You are right, your life will never be the same. But remember this is your life, no one elses. We have all learned the hard way that death is more than just losing the one we love. It is losing our identity and having to rebuild EVERYTHING. Try to pick somewhere to start. No matter how small the step. Do something just for you and enjoy it. Each new thing you add to your life will bring you a little joy, peace and confidence. The hardest part is making the commitment and actually following through on the steps. Be gentle with yourself and pat yourself on the back for what you are able to do.

You are smart to realize that there are limits to what you can do. I have read several studies about the importance of role models in our children's lives. The family unit being the primary source for both support and guidance for kids. The more "normal" you can make his family life the better. I applaud your choice to look at the options available to you. I also miss being my husbands wife. I loved cooking for him, being his girlfriend and having a tradional marraige. So many others don't appreciate what they have!