Cheryl

HI Jennalee,

My husband was also killed in a motorcycle accident. It's been one year. I want you to know that there is hope and relief. It is a journey that changes every day and often several times a day. There have been times that I have prayed for life to end but with patience and hard, hard work the grief work starts to heal you. You will need to structure your life with people that you can depend on, people that will listen to your pain over and over again. This site will help bring you strength and validate that you are not alone. I also found that a grief support group helps tremendously. We meet every other tuesday and it forces me out of the house. I also feel that sharing our tears and hugs carries us through the next two weeks. You can find groups through your local hospice and hospitals.

Jennalee this will be the hardest chapter of your life thus far. But I think that most people grow stronger as they grieve. After one year I still cry every single day. But I can now except that he is really gone and I'm ready to begin rebuilding. It is very difficult to face and even harder to begin. Baby steps.

Please be patient with yourself and reach out to every resource available. Don't try to run away or hide from your pain. Embrace it.

We are all hear with you. Love Cheryl

Soon after my husband died we got together with immediate family and the very same thing happened. I was devestated. The next day my mother in law called in tears. She told me she felt so guilty for not talking about her son the night before. I asked her why she had avoided his name. She said that she was afraid it would make everyone sad. We both agreed that we were going to be sad either way and promiced each other that we would never avoid the feelings of our loss or Mark's name again.

Now whenever we get together we talk about Mark and recall our memories. Sometimes we cry and sometimes we laugh. I suggest tht next time you are all together that you break the ice. Tell everyone you feel sad that his name is being avoided and that you'd like to let them know you need to hear his name and need to hear their stories.

Good luck! cheryl

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. The actual day was much easier than the two weeks leading up to it. Today I feel renewed strength and complete exhaustion all at once!

This site has become my lifeline and your voices act like a mirror. thanks!

Melina,

Remember that your children will be back again for visits. There will be many opportunities to face this task. Please don't feel like you have to do something you're not emotionaly ready to do. I have always been a planner and a fixer. When tasks are supposed to be done I make sure they happen. I have had to learn my limitations where before I had none.

It might also be a great time for you and your kids to grieve together without a crowd. I have often heard that spreading ashes brings peace and closure. I think you should do what's best for you. Big Hugs Melina!

Yes Melina. That is exactly what it has been like for me. Two days where I would feel like I was given a break and then back to the consuming pain. I found that it was easier not to fight it. When I felt good, I was like super woman. So productive I would think that life was getting better, then everything would resurface again. But over time the breaks got longer and I began to feel less crazy. I know it is diffrent for everyone though. I hope you get longer breaks soon.

You sound very frustrated. I always find that if I step back and give something time my perspective often changes. You both need to be as patient as you can possibly be. You can only work on your own grief.Your mother's journey will be diffrent from your own. You might try to give her some literature to read since she doesn't want to be a part of a group. Here is the best book I could find. And I think it saved my life.I have bought copies for many people and everyone has commented on how helpful it is. good luck

A Time To Grieve By Carol Staudacher

I don't know if mediums are real or not. My husband died this past year and we were extremely close. I have felt his presence and even smelled his cologne while dreaming. This has only happened when I have needed him the most. When I am awake I often speak to him, when I am sad I tell him how much pain I'm in and ask for his strength. I have felt his touch in my dreams and have felt a rushing back to reality when he leaves me. I have always dreamed a lot but these dreams are very, very diffrent. He has only spoken to me twice. I never thought I would be writing about my experience. I have chosen to keep it to myself because I thought people would think I was crazy. I hope this helps. cheryl

Trying to find happiness is a lot more hard work than sitting in sorrow. Don't give up on yourself. Give yourself time and patience.Stop and allow yourself to enjoy something small. I started with sitting in the sunshine and listening to a bird sing. Very small joys will lead to something more. Remember patience with yourself.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my husbands death. I have prayed long and hard for death to take me. I even figured a way out. That part has changed. I'm realizing that I don't want to fail, that I want to heal. It's a very big step. Tonight I am going to my support group and I prepared something to read to the group about my journey this past year. I thought I would share it on this forum since so many of us are trying to figure out what to do next. I have taken the words from several writings by fellow gievers and added my thoughts to make them my own.

The reality of my loss stomps around on all that I cling to, all that I had hoped for and all that made my life worthwhile and special. But I want to recover from that now. I have been going through all the painful aspects of my loss. I have submitted myself to the cruel reality of Mark's death. The fact that I have grieved so deeply proves that I am capable of powerful feelings. I will not give up on that part of myself, it is too valuable. Even though I will not have the same life I once had, I want to open myself to new possibilities.

Now I want to reconstruct a dream. I want to place my dream where agony resides. My dream will be as strong as the harshest reality- even stronger, because I am gaining determination and power as I make my way through the darkest wilderness.

I will trust that my burden will continue to dwindle. The days will pass and the heaviness will lighten. As I continue to delve into myself, going deeper into what I think and feel. I hope to emerge with the knowledge of what I need and want. Most of all I know that I want to reach a point where I can allow myself a joyful life.

I close with a deep love for my husband and respect for both love and life, Cheryl

Dear Melina,

You didn't know. It's normal to look back and try to figure out what you could have changed. You did the best you could with what you had been told. You were there for him when he needed you the most. You were able to tell him that you loved him. You did not fail him. I think we would all go back and change something that we could have done diffrently. But that isn't an option. Please be gentle on yourself. Try to picture your husband in your mind. Would he be pointing his finger at you, blaming you and saying you were not good enough? He would be thanking you. Thanking you for always being there for him. Even when it ws ugly and stressful. He loves you and misses you too.

Leeza,

I also am reaching the one year mark and I too am troubled with guilt. My husband was killed on a motorcycle which he had hidden from me because he knew I would be worried about his safety. His friends said it was a trade for some work he had done for a client. He was going to ride it for a week and sell it before I found out. He was killed three days later. I feel so guilty that he was hiding something from me. That I was so unapproachable that he couldn't tell me his plans. If only I had been more understanding of his need for something daring! The reality is that no matter how much we beat ourselves up we can't change what happened. When those feelings of guilt and what if's over power me I speak out loud to him the following. IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I LOVED YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I COULDN'T SAVE YOU. I'M SO SORRY! I MISS YOU! I think by saying I'm sorry it helps me with the guilt and allows me to hope for his forgiveness. We are all so diffrent and yet so alike. I hope you will find a way to not blame yourself. It's not your fault. You loved him. You couldn't save him. You're sorry and you miss him.

Cheryl

I read an article recently about grief and what the mind does in order to understand your loss. It basically said that you have to relive all the aspects leading up to the loss in order to come to grips with what has happened. The mind and heart is in such shock that you play everything over and over again trying to figure out if anything could have made it diffrent, better or worse. I found that I replayed everything so much that I thought I was going insane. I really thought I might be crazy. Everyone who shared with me their loss did the same thing. Over time I began to understand that I couldn't save him. That there were no fixes and that he was really gone. It was hard to accept that it was all out of my control. I wanted so badly to get meaning from his death. In the end I was able to come to peace with what I couldn't change.Please know that what you are feeling is healthy and part of the journey.

Hugs, Cheryl

Dear Marion,

My friend who is 85 just lost her husband. Even though I am 45 we both find we are feeling the same way. When are husbands died we lost a part of who we were. We are both struggling with being alone and wondering who we are without our soulmate. She often says she should have been more prepared emotionaly for him to die since he had been ill. How can you prepare yourself for something you've never felt? How can you prepare to be alone when you've never been alone? I think everyone who grieves wants to feel like someone understands. Thank you for sharing how you feel and especially for voicing your fear of not belonging. You belong!

Love, Cheryl

I have participated in a lot of counseling with my two kids. The one thing I have been told over and over, is to cry and even sob in front of my kids. They need to know that it is okay to be in pain. That it is okay to show that pain. To push it aside will only make them think that there is something wrong with showing their feelings. If they see you sad then they will know it is okay to be sad also. Tell your son all that you feel and ask him what he is feeling. Reasure him that you are on the same journey.He probaly won't want to share much with you directly. Our kids want to protect us from further pain. There are alot of great resources available for families. Hope this helps. Cheryl

Hi Leesa,

I have felt so similar. I worked so hard my whole life to do everything right. I always thought that as long as I was honest, hardworking, caring and giving that I would be blessed. Good things happen to good people. Well, bad things happen to good people too. It is hard sometimes to see the good in our lives when the bad is all enveloping. But you do have blessings. They are hiding in all the sorrow and pain. They are your perfect children. The little smiles that need a mom. They have lost their dad. They need you to share with them the memories and the strengths of their father. Leesa you are sad, you are overwhelmed, you have tremendous responsibility. It is a difficult and lonely road. But you are so strong. Look at everything you have balanced in your life this last year! You are the hero in your family. Your husband looks down upon you and is so proud. You are the person who will make sure his children are taken care of and loved. We are surrounded everyday with people who take what they have for granted. We know better, we are so much wiser and true to ourselves. This horrible journey has awakened us to what love really is. We lost what we loved the most. Feel free to be sad, feel free to greive, feel free to be cursed and punished. But know that what ever reality you are faced with you will find a way to win. You won't let this horrible loss be the end of your happiness. Let it be the path to your strengths. Please know that we all feel and greive with you. Although our lives are all diffrent the losses are so very similar. You deserve big hugs! Cheryl

Hi Liz,

My husband died suddenly also. It will be a year next week. The most painful year of my life. I am still often shocked with the reality that he is gone.I found that a support group has helped me understand that I am not going crazy.I have gotten to a point where I am tired and worn out. I'm ready for someone to flip the switch and tell me the time to greive is now over. I wish it were that simple. I have never been faced with any type of real hardship. Everyones problems seem so minor and stupid. I have relived the last week of our life over and over in my mind. Grateful for the love we shared but devestated that we did not know it was about to come to an end. I hope you find some peace and I hope this site helps you like it has me. Take care and know there are many of us who feel so similar.

Cheryl

I remember just hours after Mark died; telling my neighbor that I was going to have to go to a funeral, my husbands funeral. I thought I was going to vomit. I let family plan everything and I forced myself to go. I can tell you it was wonderful to see so many people that loved my husband and seeing the pain in their eyes helped me know I was not alone in my pain. My husband died in a tragic accident and there was so much shock. Our pastor said he had never had so many people attend a funeral outside of the death of a child.

My husband once joked with me that if he died I should try to get each person to put a $10 bill in a basket. He said, "They may not love me but they love you and they will all come, and you'll be a wealthy woman". When the church over flowed into the foyer I had to laugh. Where was that basket! Everyone loved my husband!

You will get through this. I think you will find comfort in the eyes and the hugs. The tears will validate your husbands life and the pain in the faces will make you feel less alone.

I cry tears for you as well. Cheryl

This will be our fisrt vacation without Mark. It was a big step to plan it alone and an even bigger step to do something crazy. We leave thursday for Honduras. Two kids and me. What was I thinking? Third world country, central america. I can't even speak spanish! Now I'm scared out of my mind and sad that he is missing this big adventure. My 12 year old son and I just packed rods and reels for fishing on the beach. I googled the tackle pictures and learned how to tie a lure. Mark loved to fish and I know he would be sad if we didn't give it a shot. My daughter is bent on doing the white water rafting on a class 5 river and a zipline canopy tour! Her dad was the crazy, fun one. Not me. I just want to snorkel on the reef. Somehow we will have to do it as if dad were there. I know he would be proud that we are trying to heal and be together, creating new memories. But I miss him and I don't know how I will get through the week without crying the whole time. I am so sad and I miss him so much, I feel my heart is breaking for the millionth time. When will the pain just go away! I just had to vent, I can't share my fears with family. They already are pretty freaked out that i'm doing this.

Cheryl

Hi Redwind,

I plan all my meals on sunday, which is when I do my shopping. This gives me something to do on sunday. The meals are very simple. I plan for sun-wed. Four meals. I have leftovers on thursday. I do take out sushi or pizza on friday's. Saturday is open. Since it is hard to eat and I am so exhausted from the day, it has to be quick and easy to prepare. I get everything prepped or done ahead of time. I like to have a glass or two of wine before I eat. If things are not done ahead, I find that I don't want to eat or cook after the glass of wine!!

The first 8 months after my husmands death, I invited either the neighbors or my in laws over one night a week for dinner. This forced me to be around people even though I didn't want to be around anyone. Cooking was always a big part of my life with my husband. We always ate together and he always helped chop and plan the meals. No matter how tired I have been since his death, the nights I spend with others in my kitchen helps. I find that having people over to my house is less of a burden than going to their house or going out. The sanctuary of home.

Everything about grieving is work. Starting a new routine with meals after 20 years was horrendous. I would suggest coming up with a plan, trying it and then tweaking it to something comfortable. I planted a garden and this helped me enjoy the fruits of my labor. Who can waste a good tomatoe when you grow it yourself! To me, food is love and comfort. It helps sooth my soul. I try to always eat only what I love and what will make me feel good. Thank god for chocolate chip cookies!!

Take care, I'm thinking of you and your loss. I have felt your pain and understand how hard it is. Cheryl

Sunstreet,

I'm praying for you also. I can't imagine facing a serious health problem right now. I have faced problems in my life this past year and understand your feelings of being alone, without the support of the one person you could always count on to be there. I know she is not on this earth with you now, but I pray you are able to feel her encouragement, her love, and gentle strength when you feel weak and scared. You are so brave. I hope you are recovering well.- Cheryl

I dream about my husband about every four weeks. I am trying to get him to stop and talk to me, to hold me, to stop and feel everything. He's always in a hurry and doesn't want to slow down. I always tell him I need him to stop and talk to me to hold me to be with me for just a minute. He will stop for a minute but it isn't long enough. I cherish these moments and they feel so real. I wake in the morning and relive every moment of the dream playing it over and over in my head. Then I cry for half an hour!

I had a dream last night, I asked him to stop and hug me to hold me. He actually stopped We stood and embraced. I could feel the spot my head always rested on his shoulder. I felt his arms around me. I felt his perfect fit against me. He was calm and willing to slow down. We looked up and saw my son walking towards us. My husband said lets make him squirm. He hugged me tighter and kiseed me. He knew my son would be embarassed. It was like real life. We loved showing affection in front of our kids. We loved to have them tell us to stop. I didn't cry as hard this morning. Actuallly enjoyed my coffee and paper for a change. I know he is with me. He's sad for me and doesn't like to see me in this pain.- Cheryl

I am at eleven months. At eleven weeks I could barely function. I look back and it is a foggy blur. I really can't remember anything, yet I can also remember everything. An overwhelming feeling that I wanted to die. That I wanted to be with Mark. That there was no way I could ever survive this pain. That my kids would be better off with someone who wasn't so sad. It got harder before it got better. I can tell you that IT IS BETTER now. The pain is still deep. I still don't know how to live without him. But I am living without him. I am using every resource available to me. Support groups, family, friends, work, this site, volunteer work, books, endless hours of crying. My next step will be to go to church. I'm going to find a new church. I tried our old church and I was miserable. I need a new place to worship, a new start with god. I wish this was an easier road. I am so tired. So sad and so so worn out. You are all doing so well. Be patient with yourselves. There is a future, it doesn't have to be horrible. I know there is a way for me to be happy again. I am determined to find a way. - Cheryl

It will be one year next month that Mark died. July 4th was the last holiday to celebrate without him. Each holiday has been heart wrenching. Because we stayed home most July 4th's I thought it would be easier. It wasn't. I did the whole grilling thing with the kids. But I didn't know how to light the charcoal. Another new lesson to learn.

I didn't realize until later that I had fixed all his favorites out of habit. No one ate the radishes or the cucumbers. Those would have been for him. Oh how I miss him watching me layer the ice and salt in the icecream maker. I would stress that I was doing it wrong and it would never stop churning and he would laugh and tell me, it always works! I miss him so much. I don't know how I stand it sometimes.

I'm having one of those days where the rest of the world really sucks. I'm jealous of the happy people! I want to be one of the happy people. I'm not sure if I will ever be happy again.

HI Sunstreet,

You are not alone, you are so wise to keep reaching out to others. Since you have been to this site before, you know this site will help you. But you might also think about attending a grief support group or even a cancer support group. I have found the most comfort with others who are like me. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone to go. But what relief it has brought to my heavy heart. My husband died suddenly in an accident and was young. Although I don't understand a loss of suicide I do understand sudden loss and it is complicated by being unprepared. There are support groups for those who have lost their loved one to suicide. Your grief is doubled by the type of death she suffered but also by the new challenge you face with your own mortality. You are on the right path. Feeling the pain of loss and fear for your own future is exactly how you should feel! Please don't let your families ignorance keep you from gathering strength. You can face this adversity like you have faced the horrible losses in your past. You are strong, look at all you have survived! We are all here for you and send our strength and support. Cheryl

Hi Kayc.

My mom is also very selfish. When my husband died she was the only one who didn't get on a plane and come. She had all kinds of excuses. But the reality was that she would be uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. She let everyone else take care of my problem. Later when I told her how hurt I was to not have her by my side she acted hurt and rejected! I have decided that she will never change. I have no expectation of a mother daughter relatinship anymore. She will never be there for me. I will no longer expect anything more than casual conversation. Although she isn't as bi-polar as you describe your mom, I can relate to your frustration and sadness. There are just people in this world who have to have all the drama focused on themselves. You are wise to see the pain she is causing you and brave to be willing to step away. It is so hard. Cheryl