Dear Hannah,
Your story is one that I can truely understand. My brother died in February of 2009 in a car accident at the age of 18. I was 16 and he was my only sibling. Your relationship with your brother Chad was just like the one I had with my brother and can be described as a beautiful and special friendship. A relationship that can never be replaced, not my friends or even other siblings. It is so hard to see your world come crashing down before your eyes. It is the most painful and scary thing in the world, and only people who have been through it can truely understand. My brother Jimmy was my favorite person in the whole world. Though we fought at times, the special times we spent together could never be replaced. Jimmy used to rap to me in his car too. In the beginning it's all such a blur. So many people are there saying they will be there for you and want to help you, even though all you want is to be left alone. At least thats how I felt. Then when I finally wanted to open up and talk about my loss, it was hard to find anyone to listen or who could comfort me. The person who I had gone to for advice and comfort was the one person who couldn't be there for me, my brother. Everyone was telling me to "be strong", what does that even mean? People would also say, "I could never be as strong as you are, I don't know how you do it", I was being strong because I had no other choice. I'm sure you can relate in ways. Everyone was also comforting my brother's girlfriend and parents yet no one was there for me. Why is it that the siblings are overlooked?
Your loss is so terrible and my heart goes out to you. You were way too young to go through losing your brother and your brother was way too young to lose his life. You deserved to have that special bond throughout your entire life. I don't understand why God takes the best souls and leaves behind kids who are going nowhere in life. I guess it's because God has much bigger plans for people as special as Chad and Jimmy. Who knows, maybe they even met each other in heaven. It is so hard to find comfort in anything, especially when you think about the idea of life without your big brother. It scares me everyday. Be open to the little signs that your brother may give you though, when you least expect it some song may come on the radio or you will see something that reminds them of you. I get these signs every once in a while, I think they are the little ways that my brother is trying to tell me that he's in heaven and he's missing me too. In a way I think that dreams are the way they get to communicate with us and they are the best because it is the closest you can get to seeing and talking to your brother.
About the kids in your grade, ignore their ignorance. I can tell by the way you write that you are so incredibly mature. The ignorance will follow you wherever you go, because no matter what age people are, they can't understand the immense pain of losing a loved one so they say stupid things. Though nothing good can ever come of a situation like this, it will change you into a person who can see past life's little frustrations and see what truely matters in life. It's gonna save you from a lot of stupid high school drama. Make sure you can find a friend or someone to talk to about this. Someone who you can talk to whenever you are sad, because its a roller coaster of emotions. Most of all though, memories are painful, but dont ever try to push them in the back of your mind or forget about them. They may make you sad, but if you push them away, you may lose some of the best memories and that would be a terrible thing. Hold on to Chad's memory and hold him in your heart forever, he's your guardian angel now and will help you in little ways in the future.
I'm sorry I wrote such a long message, I don't mean to be a creeper. I just believe that after all you have been through you deserve to know that there is someone out there who truely wants to help you.
Sincerely,
Caroline