niamh

Right there with you Daughter2010. It was 3 months for me on Wednesday.....it seems like only yesterday but at the same time it's like a lifetime ago since I talked with my Dad, sometimes my life with him seems like it was all a dream and this is now reality. I can't say I've had any good days, nothing brings a smile to my face,nothing makes me laugh,no joy whatsoever. I have days where I don't cry ...more like I can't cry.I find myself still getting stunned thinking did this really actually happen, why me, why my famaily.I try to think of the reality of this and sometimes my mind just won't let me and it's like I can't feel anything at all other than knowing some horrible has gone wrong with my life. I feel like a lost little child with nobody to mind me anymore, the loss of security that Dads bring is crippling.I wonder who will now say how proud they are of me,that was Dad's job and he did so well.I'm back to work and they have changed my role to make it easier for now.The support is great but I loved my old role but there's too much pressure with it, I can't handle it for now.But I am frustrated that I can't do it, I feel like such a let down now but Mom keeps telling me I need to just give it time, I will be able to do it again.Dad was so proud of me and now I can't do that job and he's not here to help. I hate that I am now a changed person forever, that I have to live with this forever, it will never ever go away ...may it will seep deep into me where someday maybe it won't be as raw and visible to everyone but it will always be with me. I just want the old me, my old life back. I wonder where my Daddy is, does he really know how I feel now, how much I miss and love him, there are no words to say enough how much he means to me. My Dad's brother hugged me Wed night and I just stood there aching so bad wanting that hug to be Dad but I can't have that anymore. Truth is I feel like my life ended the day his did, I had almost 35yrs with him and now that he's gone I just exist.Even if this gets less difficult I don't honestly think I will ever feel true happiness again because even if something magically happens to bring me some joy, Dad won't be here to share it with so it just won't be the same joy I knew before. If only I could wake from this living nightmare.... hugs to all and thanks for sharing your feelings,I think there is a tiny spec of comfort just knowing others feel similar things to me, that there's not something wrong with me still being so lost and struggling with this.

thanks bflyrn, I don't take any offense at all. Overcrowding here is a bad problem but it's due to the inadequate governing of our health care system,there are hundreds of empty hospital wards and beds but they cannot be staffed.....although very bad snow and ice forced hospitals to open closed wards over Christmas.......I guess that also frustrates me, for broken bones etc they will open wards but for people doubled over in pain are left on the sidelines and forgotten about ....my Dad had to constantly tell them when his drip was out so he had to monitor it himself. He had to ask for food/water coz he was always forgotten about, all that just makes me sad, I would have gladly gone in there with him the entire time to give him what he needed, to ask him regularly if he wanted anything. It was the first time ever my Dad complained about lack of communication in the hospitals and it's the gov't I am more angry with really, I know I'm not the first and by no means the last to have my loved ones last days be so stressful. The gov't live in cuckoo land on their enormous salaries, couldn't care less about little old me and my family and many others like us, they just want to cut cut cut everything on health system but there own salaries and expenses so we are left to deal with stuff that shouldn't have happened. I try to let go of the anger and not think about this,sometimes I just don't know who or what frustrates me....I feel I am starting to get a little frustrated with my Dad for leaving although I know it's not his fault.(I don't even want to say angry coz I love him too much) wow, my post is just all over the place just like my head !! anyways, just thanks so much to everyone here, I like that I have somewhere to go, can be honest and nobody judges or tells me what to do how to feel so thanks again so much ! hugs to all

Ah didn't realize it was discussed,didn't even think to search. Thank you Marty glad it's normal,was getting worried with feeling it so much in work where I used to sweat with the heat!

thanks for replying IMBlessed, actually I probably should have said I'm not having problems sleeping,I dont go off as fast as I used to but I do sleep ok

Ever since I lost my Dad (suddenly on 17th dec) I am always feeling cold. I never felt the cold before winter or summer. Now I can rarely warm up....actually most of the time is only when I am in my car with heating on highest and full. I used to have to wear tshirts in work all the time. Now I go in with long sleeved top and little jacket/cardigan over it and I'm still cold. Even at home with 2 rads in the tv room, lots of heavy comfy clothes, a fleece blanket and hot water bottle....then I'm just not as cold. is this normal ? anyone else feel like that ? I'm not sick, or coming down with anything, just always so cold. thanks

missyme, I am sorry for your loss and pain. I too question my faith.I've never been overly religious but just believed in something and had faith.But now that it's my Dad that's been taken I wonder about it all.I have not been able to say any prayers,in fact I've not even been able to acknowledge God or whoever since then....with a few exceptions where I've written some pretty awful angry words at him.Most of the time I try to believe my Dad is around me and in Heaven but I get these awful fears, what if he's just gone, gone nowhere never to be seen again and it frightens me.I guess I feel that because I don't sense my Dad around me, i don't see any signs. I get SO angry with God, if my Dad is with him why doesn't he allow my Dad to come to me in someway to comfort me so i truly know our bond is not broken just changed.Why does he make it so hard for us....it's just cruel and there is no need for it. Is it to force us to turn to him, that's not fair either. I dont understand any of it. I can't ask God for help,I am too angry with him and feel I shouldn't have to ask him for help, he knows already. So other friends and family do the praying (one of my friends says to me she is "storming Heaven with prayers for Mom, Dad and me"). Ron, glad to things are easing into your 3rd month. Next Wednesday will be my Dad's 3rd month (St.Patricks Day ....so many holidays ruined now!) but I don't find it easing at all.It's getting more real, that's for sure.My friends are all still good support, not expecting me to suddenly be ok again but I guess I worry as time goes on of expectations of me. Work are still very supportive, no pressure ....YET!! I hate when people say "hi, how are ya" in a real general tone(they are not really asking "how are you") some then ignore when I say not so good and they change subject (guess they don't know what to say). I also hate people asking have you plans for the evening, plans for the weekend.....I feel like replying with "yeah my plans are to grieve along with my mom and attempt to make sense of my life ....sound good to you?" but I don't,I just politely say no. But I don't force anything for myself,I know this is my grief and my time so I don't attempt to put timelines on it. (truth be told, it just feels like it will be like this for the rest of my life) just lost on a lonely road without my Daddy hugs to all here & thanks for the support and no judgement

hi bflyrn, like you I just want my Daddy, I am 35 and feel like a big baby these days.Please try not to think anything you say or feel is stupid.The one and only piece of "advice" or words I've taken from anyone I know is to be kind to yourself and allow whatever feelings you feel to come. My head goes through so much, lots of mush sometimes it gets so confusing but that's it, they are my feelings now and nothing will change them.Like so many others here I too have this guilt thing, why didn't I ask the nurses or doctors to check my Dad's heart (he was a heart patient) and wonder what if. My Dad had no knowledge of going anywhere and leaving us, he wouldn't let my Mom cancel a 3 hr trip the day after he was "due" out of hospital because he was going on that trip regardless.I keep thinking if his heart was checked they could have fixed the problem and I wouldn't now be living this nightmare coz it's just all wrong. Something odd went through my head the last night I saw him, I wanted to tell him what I had got for him for Christmas, I didn't have any clue why I thought it and I just put it straight out of my head thinking "he'll kill me for telling him, sure I'll be giving it to him next week". His presents are still in my car, I can't take them out. So many regrets that we can't change now and so many frustrations that a hospital wouldn't check a heart patient's heart. I hate that his last days were stuck on a trolley in the corridor of the ER room, I wish I'd fought for a proper bed for him but he was only in with a kidney stone. I get flasbacks of leaving him so soon because he was coming home the following day, it wasn't serious, we didn't need to spend time with him when he was so tired, I just thought we can have our chat tmrw.I just keep picturing him going to the bathroom all alone in pain and then just dropping in there, wondering if he knew what was happening, if he knew he was leaving us all alone at Christmas, the worst time of the year. I have no words of comfort for you coz I just don't think there are any. One book that I use over and over is called "how to survive you grief" by Susan Fuller. It just lists about 50 emotions we may or may not have and little explanations on each. It's easy to read and it just lets you know that these feelings are perfectly normal.Some I didn't feel at first but have over time and it just helps me know there is nothing wrong with any of what I feel. hugs to you. I hope all our Daddy's are right next to us and someday we can feel them.

Daughter2010, it's good to hear you have hope and you can have some little enjoyment. I had a couple of times like that back in january (lost my doting Dad 17th Dec) but I was pretty much just numb then when I would call to friends and chat away about things other than my feelings. I don't have that anymore and I don't have any hope.I'd like to think he's with me but I feel nothing at all. I can't look at photos, little notes he used to write, emails he sent, I can't think back on any memories because the pain is too much (sometimes I feel I'm going to just forget it all). 3 days after he left we had a big family dinner and there was a voicemail on my phone, I listened to it but there had been an older one from Dad a few days before.I deleted it immediately as soon as I heard is voice, I was in such a temper.I didn't want to have that forever,figured it would be too much.Now I want it back coz I know sometime in the future I will want to hear his voice but it's gone just like every dream and hope I ever had. you are lucky to see signs from him, I look everywhere for something but nothing at all ... Daddy's girl

I just wanted to share this book with people here. I found it accidentally when googling grief & bereavement. It's called "How to Survive Your Grief" by Susan Fuller. It was the first book I bought at the end of Jan aftering losing by doting Dad on 17th December. This book is so simple to read and easy to use. I've read maybe 5 books already and this is the one book I keep going back to. It just contains a list of about 50 emotions you may feel while grieving, some you may not feel now, not ever and that's fine, some you may feel later on. Each emotion is just explained over 1 to 1.5 pages so it's very easy to read. You can skip right to the feeling you have, this doesn't have to read like a book from cover to cover. In the beginning there were many I skipped over, not feeling them at all but as time as gone on I find these new emotions and feelings erupt so I go back and read about it. The biggest help I found from this book was it was like a friend who knew my grief so well, letting me know everything I feel is normal, there is nothing wrong with me and I am not going crazy, I am not losing my mind because the truth is sometimes I really feel like I am losing it completely because the reality of this is beyond enormous. I recommend this to anybody grieving, it doesn't ease the pain or loss but just allows you to be as you are and know there is nothing wrong with it. I feel broken but nobody can fix me and I don't need anyone to try, I just need to be as I am and this book is a good friend for just that.

oh it's you loulou :-). yep I loved my chats with Dad.He was just so wise and always right,never put me wrong once, never let me down ...until now and wow what a let down.Yep I look everywhere for signs,people talk about the wind blowing, birds flying and all that...nah that's not my Dad...i need something so much more real,something I absolutely cannot doubt.Did you get anything from the medium?I've been to a couple (before this happened) looking for something from my beloved aunt who died 4 yrs ago but got nothing at all from them. I figure if Dad is around I won't need to pay someone to find out.A friend of my family's who is a nun told me I will definitely feel him someday.She said it may be a long time, the grief is too much now, it's way too soon and too raw yet but she promised that day will come.I think what scares me is to think the bond between us is now gone...but then I think it can't be, he has to be around, there has to be something after death, he couldn't be given to me for 35 yrs and taken away forever. I know that numb feeling too,it's been a week/10days or so since I've had it. The stunned feeling is a little different, I do know what's happened and I'm so sad all the time but yep same as you when I fully grasp it ...BANG I am a mess. With the numbness I could call to friends, pick up the phone for a chat....now I can't do that anymore. I get little panic attacks where I'm just hyper-ventilating not wanting this to be real.I write to him all the time actually. I'm waiting on a nice journal so for now I am just using notes in my phone. (check out "Courtney Davis" journals online,they are beautiful).I'm not sure if it helps but I just write and write to Dad and I'm like a broken record a lot of the time....like you these emotions are so new to me. But I hate the one way conversations, it's all me doing the talking and nothing back from Dad.Sometimes I have this anger inside me I find so hard to describe.....I guess it's like an internal rage, I want to burst from it, I don't last out at anyone or anything and it comes out in sobs eventually. My family is really small actually and everyone else seems grand now. I'm sure they are sad in their own way but their life goes on you know, I'm sure they don't think and long for him all the time like Mom and me (I'm an only child). Have you read any books on grief yet ? Daddy's girls forever...ain't that the truth!!

hi Bell, Reading your post I think I might aswell have written it myself....everything you have written is straight from my life these days. I am sorry for your loss, you know yourself there are no words of comfort I can give you. My Dad passed just before Christmas, it will be 12 weeks this thursday and yet while it feels like only yesterday at the same time it feels like a lifetime since I spoke to him.It's so hard to comprehend that he is gone and not coming back, that I can't go to him for advice or just to rant and rave about life's issues.I have no brothers or sisters, was always just me and Mom & Dad.He was my best friend in the world,I miss his love, encouragement,hugs,guidance. I cry at the slighest thing now. Tears well up so often.I wonder how I am supposed to carry on my life without my Dad,it was never supposed to be like this.I just exist now, the happy funloving person I used to be left that day with Dad.I don't want to be different but I am. Just sad all the time, wishing life was over for me, missing my Dad every waking second of every day. I wish I knew for sure my Dad was still around me, still loving me, still proud of me but I don't feel it. I feel so stunned still sometimes trying to grasp what's happened. I can't think back on the happy times, it's too much, too painful. I can't pray ....i'm not even angry with "God" most of the time coz I can't even acknowledge him. It's not just my Dad I long for, it's all the thousands of moments to come in the future that he won't be here for. I've never known real loneliness until now :-( I just wish he'd visit me somehow someway....

hi everyone, I am so sorry to hear of each of your losses loulou, bflyrn, Kavish,Annette... Life is just all so unfair. I am back in work now for a 4day week for first couple of months and I just hate it.I don't know how to do my job anymore, it's all very overwhelming right now and scary. Dad's car was taken back by the garage yesterday, felt like losing him all over again.I wake every single morning with the most horrendous ache and all I think is this is not changing, no matter how long I wait. You know when something bad happens in life, you feel horrible, depressed etc but it passes and you move on ....but that won't happen here, this won't ever change.Life seems so long. I only had him for half my life and its like the further time passes the further he is away from me.I don't dream of him either and I wish I did. I had 1 dream over a month ago that initially I didn't take any notice of until I told a friend of mine. I dreamt I came out of arrivals at an airport and he came up behind me and gave me a hug. I was all confused telling him we all thought he was gone but obviously he wasn't and I was so happy.I can't describe the pain when I woke.It just felt like a dream, I've read where people have dreams but they say they are really being visited and that you will know the difference.Well this just felt like a dream, nothing else. But my friend thought differently.....I was on 2 vacations last year with my Dad, just the 2 of us, (in previous years I've gone with both parents)and my friend figured an airport was our sacred place and that maybe it was him coming to me. But nothing since.I dont sense him around me at all and I long to. LouLou, I'm sorry work is so hard for you.Right now I don't have to deal with public although in time I will have to deal with customers but not on a daily basis. I too want to crawl in a hole and forget about life. I wish I could fast forward it all.I know it's such an awful thing to say when there are people fighting for life but I just want to be with my Dad.I wouldn't do anything at all tho, would never leave my Mom but I just want life to go really fast.It all feels so pointless now. I am so jealous of people who haven't gone through this, I see them laughing, joking, happy out and I hate it. It's how I used to be but will never be like that again. Even if this gets less difficult (easier is not how it gets) I still wont ever be that truly happy person again. I sit here watching the clock wishing the day was over, friday was here and only 1 hr has passed. I've never known pain or hatred of life so much hugs to all

I am new to this forum although I’ve been reading many posts on it the last couple of months. My dearest loving Dad died suddenly on 17th December 2009. I am beyond lost, lonely and empty. I am 35yrs old, single and still living at home. I am an only child and my parents are my world.Thankfully I still have Mom. Dad was my best friend, there are no words to describe how close a family we are. He was 65 years old, still working 5 days at week and just absolutely adored life. He had a triple by pass about 16 years ago and was on heart medication. I took him into hospital on Monday 14th Dec with kidney stone problem.Because they had no specialists in the hospital he would normally go to, I had to take him to another. Our hospitals in Ireland are in a cruel condition. He was placed on a trolly in the corridor of the A&E ward after 1 hour of being doubled over in pain. For 2 days and nights he remained there, in his day clothes on a drip. Each morning and evening he would be given (or have to ask for) some food, couple of pieces of toast and then told after to fast because they “might” do the procedure to remove the stone the following evening/day, that day never came. He went to the bathroom at 3am on Thursday 17th and just dropped. They spent 30 mins trying to resucitate him. He died of cardiac arrest. The hospital never once checked or monitored his heart, he was being given paracetamol when he asked for medication for the pain, eventually he would be given morphine but the pain was unbearable for him. Mom and I went to visit on the Wednesday night, he was scheduled to have the stone removed Thursday morning so should have been home Thursday evening. He was in agony when we went in to him, told Mom he was cranky, tired, weak and hungry and complained about the complete lack of communication in the hospital. That was not my Dad, he’s been in hospital before and never had anything but praise for everyone in there, not this time. Mom and I are angry with them, she saw his heart racing that night, he could only manage to change his shirt, not his pants and just laid is head back on the bed doubled over in pain. She was afraid to mention his heart to him or the nurses for fear of making him more frustrated. Now we wonder what if ..... Dad always believed “you never know the hour nor the day” and while I believe that, another part of me thinks and wonders what if they checked his heart, he had little clots from what I know ....so should they not have checked and if he needed that surgery, it should have been done. Maybe he’d still be here if he didn’t have that horrendous stress for 3 days stuck on a trolley in the corridor. I know none of this will make a difference but I’m angry that he was taken so soon and so suddenly and at Christmas of all times. We loved Christmas, now it’s ruined forever. His Christmas presents are still in my car. This was my worst fear in the world and now I am living and breathing it every day. I feel like a new baby dumped out of the womb and being forced to transform and survive in this new world they know nothing about.Yeah I can walk, talk and drive but I'm stuck in a world I didn't expect to be in for another 20 yrs, Dad should have been here way longer, he loved it all too much to be gone so soon. I hate every single waking second of it. My friends have been great, no forcing me to “move on”, “get back to normal” or anything. They listen and support me and same for Mom and her friends. But truth is it doesn’t help, nothing helps because the one person who could fix this is the cause of it.....Daddy just left us all alone. I’ve been off work since but came back yesterday. Again work are extrememly supportive no pressure, good friends in here but again it doesn’t help. I just think I have to get up to go to work every day for the next how ever many years. Its like life without Dad is too long, too lonely and scary. The numbness is just barely wearing off and when I fully comprehend this reality I get little panic attacks, which are normal I know, they’ve eased a little, not as many now. But it just cripples me. It’s like NO what has happened to my life, how did this happen, how did it go from a perfect life to having it all snatched away in a split second with no control. (looking back I had nothing at all to ever complain about). I miss him so much, I can’t truly describe how broken my heart is and how much I hate life. Nothing has any meaning anymore. How can it get "easier". Dad is not coming back anytime soon so I just have to suffer through life without him. That will never be easier.People congratulate me on going back to work, well it's not an option, it's not by choice I did this. I would run out of here and never come back if I could afford to do so. There are just so many feelings and emotions all get muddled up together in my head. thanks for reading this, I don't even know what I want from writing this, what I expect, I just don't know anything anymore Daddy's broken lost little girl !