niamh

I am sorry rosebud.i lost my doting Dad just before Christmas suddenly.I'm an only child and still live at home.there are so many small things that remind me of the big gap.dinner every day is a struggle with the empty chair. I thought yesterday would never end and it just reminded me that if Easter which is only one day is so hard what on earth will Christmas be like. I feel all holidays are ruined forever and there's no escaping then as you say.I'm trying so hard not to think of it,I know it's far away yet but it's coming regardless. I spent most of yest lying on my bed wishing my Daddy was here,wondering what he was doing. I could not talk to anyone at all yest,as soon as I'd open my mouth tears would come. I'm glad you get help from the group,I don't think they have any where I live.anything I've seen for bereavement is all for suicide,kids,miscarriages and grieving kids. WOW it makes me think,what about me,what about adults who lose a parent,don't we count. For now I couldn't go to one anyways but who knows later.haven't gone for conselling,just don't feel like talking and having someone analyse what I'm saying,trying to steer my mind a different way.maybe I have it all wrong what they do but I guess I'm not ready. I'm just lonely and sad all the time and the only way I feel that will ever change is if Dad came back which isn't gonna happen so I will just do what I have to do and hope the years fly by faster and faster. Hugs from another Daddys girl (wow there are so many of us here!!)

hey sweetie, just wanted to send you some hugs today. it's a horrible tough day for all us missing our loved ones. I hope you will come talk to us when you feel like it, ranting venting or whatever. xo

Loulou as always I am just so sorry for you. I am hating today more than "normal" days. Had some family that I don't really talk much with come for dinner. I didn't speak a word,finished dinner cleaned up and left them. They are keeping my mom company but I just wish they would leave.i'm lying on my bed just aching for my Daddy and all i think is all of these stupid holidays I now have to put up with. I wish I could sleep and wake up wherever Daddy is. I can't help how I feel,like you nobody loved my Dad like me. These family who called are al chirpy laughing and on top of the world.I want to scream at them to get out, f.off,shut up,stop laughing and being so F.chirpy etc etc etc. I just feel SOOOO alone and lonely.I want my Dad to mind me. I want your Dad to mind you. I don't know what to say to you,it isn't your fault. I don't think you are causing anything,we can't help how we feel,how heavy our broken hearts are. I'm so sorry your fiancée hurt you so much. I can't take anyone saying anything negative to me,had a stupid manager do it friday in work.(set me off in panic attack oh the way home). I just feel this is the new me now,quiet and sad and tough luck if ur missing the old one coz she's gone with Daddy. Sending you lots and lots and lots of Daddy girl hugs and love. My tears are with yours now ni, xoxox

I'm so sorry for you tiffy,my Daddy is only gone 3.5mnth(15 weeks,I count it every single Thursday). I hate the time passing in one way coz he feels further away from me coz it just gets longer since we spoke.yet I also wish my entire life away. My parents are 40yrs married tmrw so today we are ordering flowers to put near Dad. I hate that the only things I can buy him now are flowers for his grave. I miss shopping for him,going for dinner to celebrate these things. Now it's just all sadness. I try not to worry and think of the future but sometimes I can't help it,I dread the 1 year mark,dread Christmas so much now coz it's ruined forever. While I try not to I worry about peoples expectations of me then.I feel I won't ever be "better". I already had a manager in work suggest I start thinking bout doing an exam in the next few months,I said no chance. It gave me a panic attack after work.I just wanted to be able to tell Dad how stupid he was,i can hardly remember what I did yesterday not to mind study.uh some people are so stupid. Anyways hugs and love to you from another Daddys girl,xox

oh wow I'm sorry sweetie,they definitely don't sound any good.i haven't been myself,just not ready and don't want to at the mo.I have heard people say sometimes it takes time before you find the right one,it's good you are trying that. Can you look for another one? Did the one you go to specialize in bereavement counselling.I can't believe they would tell you forget it move on.this isn't something you can help and someone saying that is so insensitive and horrible. I too get flashbacks of the last time i saw my Dad talking to me,flashbacks of the doc performing CPR but he was long gone.forgetting it is something we will never do,it's try to live with is all we can do. I wish you could find someone better to talk to. I don't know what to say to you. :-(

hi there sodcdancer, I am so sorry for you loss and pain. It's so awful losing a parent, the one person who we just want and expect to always be there. I'm sorry for all thee frustration and anger you have. I get so angry aswell.....the only time I feel I can scream is in my car driving when nobody can hear me, then it just turns to tears, little panic attacks. I know there is nothing I can say to help you but we are all here to listen to whatever you want to say whenever. you say you don't know what to do and want help. Have you spoken or thought about speaking to any counsellors or are there any groups in your area that you could go to ? I see you are only 16, so young to lose your Mom and Grandma.... you will find so many people here will just listen to what you want to say. While we don't know your exact pain, we too all have our own, missing our dearest darling loving parents and wondering how we are supposed to go on, how do we live now without them.They are not supposed to leave this soon, there's too much more to do with them. hugs and love to you. I can't imagine your pain and sadness.

you know it's hard to know how she will feel. We "waked" my Dad at home for 2days and nights and it was somewhat comforting still having him in the house, all beit he couldn't chat to us but he was still there with us. I now visit my Dad regularly, altho I know he's not really in the ground but it's somewhere I can go and try to feel close to him. It MAY be very hard for her afer spreading the ashes.....I don't have the experience of that. For me I am glad I know where his physical body is coz I feel I have somewhere to go. letting her be as she is is the best thing you can do for her ....my good friends all do that, none of them try to "cheer" me up, they are just there always for me regardless of my form. let us know how you guys are doing when she gets back.

First Easter without Dad and I just hate it. We should be shopping for chocolate easter eggs for everyone like we did every other year. My heart breaks another little bit every time I walk into a shop and see all the holiday stuff. Easter Sunday is also my parents 40th wedding anniversary. I am so sad for my Mom for Sunday, I just dread the day. I'm not sure whether I should buy her flowers, am thinking I will but at the same time I don't want to upset her more, just not sure what to do but she does love flowers. I just want to run away from the world. Have this constant nervous feeling today,my heart is racing.... I just miss my Daddy so much, it's aching me. I wish time would go so much faster. I wish so much I could have a chat with him, I miss his advice, our chats, his hugs. I miss his car in the driveway, hate parking in the space now, everything is so empty and lonely. I want today over with so I can just go watch some tv at home. that's my rant for today. hugs and love to all, xo PS I finally texted my friend who I hadn't heard from all week and she called me. Said she was giving me some space she thought I might have been sick of her calling and needed a break. Tears came as I told her I thought maybe she was sick of my moaning and sadness and I barely had the words out when she said she will never be sick of it or me, told me never to feel pressure to feel anything other than what I feel, she will just always be there. I wish I could clone her and send her to everyone here who needs a friend like her, she's just an angel.

thanks rimmasum,I'm glad I can just give you some idea.like Marty said,if you read the Lost parent forum you will find lots of info. Sure,my Dad was 65,still working 40hrs a week and just living life to the max. I am 35,an only child.he was my best best friend.went on 2 vacations on our own last year,kind of ironic.there was no part of my life he wasn't involved in.I also still live at home,luckily coz my mom could not do this without me and vice versa. Will the shock wear off? Well it gets a little more real everyday. The numbness for me initially brought complete lack of emotion, I felt nothing ....it's indescribeable actually,I'd never felt if before. Even now i still go numb,it's a natural coping mehanism that I finally understand,it allows me to function,get up,have a shower,do the shopping etc. It's like I always know what's happened but emotionally can't comprehend it all the time.reality sets in slowly but surely and when it does it slams me completely,how can this be real,how can this be my life now. I lost my Dad suddenly,he was due home from hospital the day it happened. Losing someone to cancer is very different so I'm sure there are other feelings and emotions I don't understand that your gf has. Check out http:\\surviveyourgrief.com. Susan fuller has a great book just listing and explaining the possible/likely emotions. It might give you a better insight. Will she accept she's gone?acceptance is something I see so much written about with grief,stages etc.if you ask me there are no stages,it's a muddled heap of mush that can change in split seconds.I don't truly understand "acceptance". We know our loving parent is gone,of course we do,we don't see them,meet them anymore. Others that I've seen go through this can eventually laugh,smile,look back on happy memories and look back with love and happiness rather than pain and sorrow.but that can take years.I can't look at a photo,can't look back,don't like people talking like "he did ...", "he was..." the past tense feels all wrong. So it's a long road,you see people carry on go to work like me,I don't cry in there so while I look ok I am bursting inside with pain,sadness,confusion,longing...the list goes on. We will never be the same as before,the niamh I used to be is gone forever,that's tough to deal with,knowing your changed forever because of this.it will never go away fully,it will just seep inwards to every cell and maybe not be as visible to everyone else someday.and I guess that's something you yourself have to deal with,that she is changed forever now. Feel free to ask qs overtime as you see things with your gf.reading posts on parent forum will give you an idea. Your gf is lucky to have you. Just be patient and gentle with her.she will appreciate it in time,again it doesn't help make it better but we appreciate the smallest touch from people when we can.

I am sorry for your gfs loss and the pain you also feel now.I lost my beloved Dad just before Christmas.altho i don't have a bf I'll tell you what I need and want from people,friends and family. 1.don't try to fix me 2.don't try to change what i feel 3.don't try to change how I think 4.let me talk openly about the pain,immense loneliness,fear,emptiness without trying to change it 5.let me be if I don't want to talk 6.sometime i find emails/texts easier than calls 7.just let me know you're there for me,will never get sick of how I feel,what I say because I can't help how i feel right now 8. Be the one to contact me,i am personally finding it hard to make first call to anyone now 9.don't make suggestions on how i deal with this,know that you can never ever begin to understand.the relationship lost is unique,only one in the world. 10.be aware that I know counselling,books,forums etc are options....we will seek these out when we can,When we want 11.don't offer any cliches such as the usual "they are in a better place","would want you to carry on be happy in life".none of that helps. 12.allow me to talk about any of it,my feelings etc even if you've heard it before. 13.know that when i don't ask about things in your life don't take it personally,right now my mind is fully taken up with wondering what really happened to my life It's vicious,nothing can actually help.we are all trying to re-adjust to this new life without the person who gave us life and was with us from the moment it started.it's now a completely new life,we don't know how to live it,there is no manual.think of a baby born,taken out of the womb,the place it lived comfortably with full support,suddenly the baby is thrown into this world,lost without all the comforts of the womb so what happens,babies learn,they adapt and readjust to this new life.they don't do it fast,it takes years before they can walk,talk,dress,feed themselves and so on.that's how I see my life now,yes I can walk,talk etc but I just don't know how to live without my Dad.I have to learn all over again and it's a long road.like a baby needs support so do we,when baby sleeps we don't dare wake them,we let them sleep....same for me,when I need alone time I need it,it means I can't talk to anyone about anything at all. I am trying to process what has happened to my life. Again this is my grief,it may be so so different to your gfs. I have found some friends here that feel like i do and there is a small comfort knowing I'm not alone.but it took me 2months of reading posts before I could write one.your gf will do things in her own time,without pressure hopefully. I wish you all the best.maybe we will find your gf here someday.

Jodo, like loulou says I think we are definiely on the same page with this. You're not being negative at all just honest and it's the one thing I've decided I'm sticking to. I'm not going to lie to anyone (well anyone who knows me that is). So just post whatever you feel like, none of us will think it's negative coz you're probably writing straight from our heads too. loulou and I have been on here a few weeks now and there just is a tiny bit of comfort knowing someone else feels and thinks the same. Yep like you every day that passes brings me one day closer to Dad, there are just too many to go. I don't do much in work these days , I try and maybe for 30mins I get stuck into something then my mind wanders again.But even as I work it's there all the time. I found it hard to cry the last couple of weeks actually, I think it's a kind of numbness again like intellectually I know he's gone but emotionally I cant grasp it most of the time. My heart races every morning when I wake and is there for a few hrs, it's like a real nervous shaky feeling. From what I've read people go one of 2 roads with faith, it either gives them great comfort and they pray a lot or like us we question things to such a huge extent. I know I feel angry at "God" or whoever is up there and I've written some pretty nasty stuff in a journal "to him". so come talk to us when you feel like it, write what ever you want and we'll just go this journey together. hugs and love to you all

thanks Daughter2010 you are so positive in the midst of all this pain. I am just nowhere near it ....truth is I don't know even if I want to be, I just don't care about life anymore. I am back to work now which I couldn't do for 2.5 months and I meet friends every so often and I feel that's as much as I can do. I'm just existing in this life, waiting for all time to pass by so it's over. My real life ended when he left as far as I'm concerned so now I just struggle on doing the minimum I have to do wishing away the days, weeks, years. I can't pray anymore, guess I'm too angry with God still for taking him from me so can't get comfort there either. still haven't heard from my friend and she is one of the most understanding, I've cried so many times on the phone with her and she's never been anything but kind. I'm trying not to take it personally and I just hope she's not just sick of hearing me say I feel horrible....she's too nice to think that I hope. now I just feel like I repeat the same thing about how lost,lonely and scared I am. I write to my Dad almost every night and get so mad that it's the only way because he's not sitting in the front room, I can't go have a chat with him. I still feel like I'm waiting for this to be over, that it will be ok like all other stupid "bad" things that happen, they end eventually and you forget about them but that won't happen here, comprehending that is soooo difficult. I keep having to tell myself, no matter how long I wait it just won't change. Had a really weird dream last night and Daddy was in it. But he was looking at his body as we (yeah us family !) were getting it ready for the funeral and he was opening his mouth saying these were not my teeth, they didn't look like that. His false teeth are actually in an envelope upstairs on the shelf he used to keep his heart medication on!! Was a weird one coz I wasn't crying or anything in the dream, was just with him fixing "his body" even though he was right there with me doing it. well enough of my ramblings for now and thanks again to all here ((((((HUGS)))))

Jodo,I am so sorry,it's awful that we all just come to these forums now.everyone here is so nice and it amazes me to see others feeling similar to me.Don't worry about not being able to post full details,feel free to just say what you feel whenever. I still can't say the words in my mind or out loud,all I can say is I lost my Dad. Sometimes I feel so detatched from reality when I write here,i still find it hard to believe yeah I'm writing this because I'm really living it. Like you I just don't know how to do it. And though it's so awful for everyone I think there is some tiny bit of comfort knowing I'm not alone,there are others. People here are kind,we're all just doing the best we can. I had the 3mnth mark on 17th,truth is I didn't find it much harder than any other day,evryday is vicious. Hugs to you from another daddys girl (there's lots of us here)

hi friends, I am still having such a crap time of it all. Called a friend on sunday night, no answer. She emailed me next day, she had been out (no probelm) and came home and got stuck into a tv show and was too late to call me after that. Wow, it hurt me.....the tv show was more important than calling me back. I've barely managed to be the first one to make any calls these last few months, I find it so hard to do. I just wait for them to call and take it if I feel like talking. Just made me sad....I wonder if people get sick of me being so sad, never feeling any bit "better" at all. I can't help it and I refuse to pretend things are a little better. Also waiting on an uncle to do some stuff for the lawyer....again he's being very supportive but the waiting all the time, wondering if he has it done yet, when will he have it done. If this was my Dad, nobody would ever have to wait, if someone asked him to do something, he would get it done ASAP, just always so reliable, there just isn't anyone like him. I've been wondering and questioning so much the last few days....I have such a need to know exactly where he is, what he's doing, what he looks like now but I know nobody can give me the real answer, it's beyond frustrating. Sunday and Monday were particularly horrible.....we like to believe and have faith that are loved ones are somewhere, happy, pain free and also with us and always watching over us ....for some reason that has brought me to this horrible question the last few days....How can my Dad me happy without me, how can he be happy when mom and I are in such pain without him. Even if he is with us, he still can't chat to us,have dinner with us, go on vacation with us so it's just not the same and I wonder how that could make him happy. Doesn't he miss us, miss being with us like he used to ? I guess we'll never understand until we leave here too. But it hurts me so much thinking like that. I don't want my Dad to be sad but I also want to know that he does miss us, it's just all so confusing.I just wish I knew for certain where is was. Daddy's lost little girl, xo

Daughter2010 I already had my first bday without Dad on 26th feb. I have to say I found in excruciating.thankfully I was off work but getting up that morning,coming downstairs to see a birthday card from my mom was so painful,I was so lonely seeing only moms name on the card. Dad always sent me lovely emails on my bday,I will never again spend it in work knowing that email won't be coming.I was glad when the day was over. Mom and I had gone for dinner too the night before,again just the two of us was horrible. Other family who I wouldn't normally here from on it sent cards and presents which was so kind but all I wanted was that email. I'm glad you will be with family. I'm sorry my msg is a sad one that won't help you. My parents anniversary is on Easter Sunday and I am dreading it,they will be 40 yrs married....i don't say "would have been" for this but are. All these special days are so extra hard now,i dread every single one of them,like you I have no joy for them anymore,they are such large reminders of the huge hole in my life now. I hope your Dad will pay a visit in a dream,that would be great. I'm still waiting and wondering birthday hugs to you,xox

Loulou, Chai, Daughter2010, I'm glad this song also touched your hearts like it does mine. My tears will never belong to anyone but my Dad and I wait for the day I really feel how close he is. Daddy's one and only ...xox

sure Marty, I've just tried adding it there although I don't see it appearing yet so I'm assuming you need to accept it or something. thank you

My Dad loved John Denver and always had him playing in the car when going for drives. I've always been a fan aswell and have recently been playing some of his music in my car. One particular song struck me one day as I was driving longing for Dad,wishing things were different.....I suddenly took notice and actually hear the words....although I knew the song well, I never actually paid much attention to the words. Now when it comes on, I listen so closely to every single word and wonder..... Although I believe the song was written for John D's wife/ex wife I somehow associate it with Dad now and hope our time is not all gone. Here are the words ..... Lady, are you crying Do the tears belong to me Did you think our time together was all gone Lady, you've been dreaming I'm as close as I can be And I swear to you our time has just begun Close your eyes and rest your weary mind I promise I will stay right here beside you Today our lives were joined, became entwined I wish that you could know how much I love you Lady, are you happy Do you feel the way I do Are there meanings that you've never seen before Lady, my sweet lady I just can't believe it's true It's like I've never ever loved before Close your eyes and rest your weary mind I promise I will stay right here beside you Today our lives were joined, became entwined I wish that you could know how much I love you Lady are you crying Do the tears belong to me Did you think our time together was all gone Lady, you've been dreaming I'm as close as I can be And I swear to you our time has just begun Listen to this beautiful song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rnJ8plfgOk I hope all our Daddies are right beside us as we try to walk this lonely road..... xox

I too can absolutely relate to this. I feel I don't have much patience anymore and at times I bite my tongue while there is like a war waging in my head. I have some very close friends who are so kind but even with them there are times when I feel stop calling me, stop asking me how I am yet when I don't hear from them I also get angry thinking oh yeah well life just goes on as normal for you now. I work with a great group of people but have no tolerance anymore for what I consider meaningless conversations.I don't want them to focus on me and my grief but nor do I want to hear about their social life, family life, weekend plans and so on....I guess I just don't know what I want. I have had a few times where I feel this intense rage inside me,I don't even feel like lashing out at anything or anyone....it just comes out in floods of tears eventually. I've just felt so many emotions I never knew even existed before, thought I'd felt it all until this. I think it's just all part of this horrible thing called grief, no feelings are "not normal" anymore. Unfortunately I don't have advice on getting over these feelings, maybe time, maybe someday it just happens ! you're not alone with these feelings

no you're not at all crazy thinking that, I think the same... I have to, while I do question so much and really wonder what exactly is death, where is Dad, what is he like now, what does he do all the time, it's so hard to try to comprehend even the questions, not to mind the answers ! I went to Rome,Italy with him last summer and we sat outside St.Peter's Chruch in the Vatican for an hour at 11pm one night talking about life, afterlife etc. I tried to remember last night what he had told me he believed but I can't remember at all at all, I want him here to explain it to me coz I get so confused. But I think I would go truly crazy if I thought he wasn't anywhere.there's no way life can truly end after our time here, we couldn't be put through all this for nothing, we must be on our way somewhere (BETTER!!!) and we absolutely have to see them again (and interrupt all their story telling of us !!) yep we certainly do understand each other, while I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy I think there is some tiny comfort in knowing that I am not the only one thinking the things I do, feeling like I do and so on. wow your poor little sister, only 8 years old.....I am certainly glad I had almost 35 with my Dad and maybe someday I'll be able to look back on it all and smile. well my work day is nearly over, i hope you get through today ok hun and find a smile somewhere even if only for a split second hugs,xo

thank you Daughter2010 Maybe someday I will be able to think like you, want to make my Dad proud, live my life and find happiness. I'm just nowhere near wanting or feeling I can do that.When I think of my Dad it's just all pain, loss, sadness. My Mom told me something a while back when somone said to me within a few weeks "you're Dad would want you to get back on the wagon again" .....it hurt me so much although I know it was said with the best of intentions ....anyways Mom just said "you know what niamh, Dad would want you to be and feel whatever way you want" and I believe that.Nobody understands it more than Dad and maybe for now he is the one who is having faith for me, maybe he knows this might become less difficult for me someday and he holds onto that for me because I can't just yet. He has to be doing something for me, he couldn't just be gone, I try to think of it as the bond just changing to a different type because he's not physically here. I don't think I have ever felt more confused in my life, so many unanswered questions, so much frustration and a sadness I just never knew existed. was in the middle of writing this post and went for breakfast with work mates, had to leave soon after as they were all chatting about summer vacations and I could feel the tears coming, I want to burst right now with the pain, want to cry so much but I just can't in work. I don't want to come back to my desk with red eyes. one minute at a time eh, I'll try not to look any further, hugs and big thanks to all

loulou extra extra large hugs to you,ur post brought tears to my eyes (I'm finding it hard to cry lately actually). I think I have absolutely no choice but to believe my Dad is somewhere otherise I think I would lose my mind completely.like Einstein said energy can neither be created nor destroyed.so our Dads are somewhere and I think someday we will know it,just when we are not waiting,looking or expecting it will happen.it has to.my Dad like yours I bet would move heaven and earth for me so he better be hard at work now. You are in my thoughts daily Hun, xoxoxox

Thank you too Leann and karensdaughter for the kind words. I am sorry for both your loses too,as u know there are no words. Leann,I try so much to trust what you say,trust that others I know have been thru it and come out the other side,it's just so hard. I need to try more to just live in the now and not think to the future,it was something my Dad and I used to talk about,he would always talk about just "being" in the very moment you exist in,tmrw will take care of itself. Am trying so hard. I do have some very good friends that are just angels,none of them pushing me.went out for dinner with one last week and she said she could see changes in me,she said from the outside I seemed a tiny bit "better" if that's even the word. I agree this just becomes part of me,i see in some books they talk about letting the person go,letting the grief go.here's how i see it, i will never let either go, for now I feel grief is something that is seeping into every single cell in my body causing this enormous continuous pain that is in full view of everyone. One day it may get there,become so deep into me that it's no longer visible to everyone else all the time.that's what I see with others who've come thru,it's just a deep rooted part of them now and they can live with it meanwhile I'm trying to readjust. I'm so thankful for the people here who never judge.I never really knew what grief truly was and that it doesn't matter what age your parents are,how sick for how long,nothing makes it easier.altho I lost an aunt who was a second mom to me and best friend,nothing compares to this. I am beyond grateful for my loving Dad but just can't look to the past and memories yet.maybe I'm scared because there are only so many photos,there won't be new ones just like memories.it just feels all wrong when I hear people say "he used to ...,he loved that", it's those 2 extra letters "ED" which put it in the past and makes it so awful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts me,lonely as it is I know I am not the only person in the world going down this long road and knowing Im "normal",I'm ok. Hugs to you all. Like I said to loulou recently maybe all our loved ones are up there meeting each other talking about their loved ones down here! Here's hoping xox

Thank you Kavish. I've seen that book a few times but never actually got it, maybe just not ready for it. Yeah a friend of mine did say "they never leave us, they just support us in a different way". I guess I feel frustrated that I don't feel my Dad around me, I question so much ....is he really still somewhere in spirit and if so why don't I see any signs, why don't I feel him like others can feel their loved ones. Maybe in time....who knows.I know in my heart he would do absolutely anything for me coz he always did so it makes me question so much....why isn't he doing something now. Maybe he is here around me all the time but the pain is so severe I just don't feel him yet...people tell me I absolutely will in time. Death is actually the one thing I look forward to (not in a suidical way) but just to have the chance to be with my Daddy again and never have to let go again, get a hug, have a real proper chat or whatever is done "up there" everything feels so surreal sometimes, even as I write this I'm thinking wow, yes I am really doing this (writing in such a forum) because my Dad is really gone. I just got a funny email a couple of mins ago and for a split second thought Dad will get a kick out of this....and then no, he won't be coming home to dinner and saying how funny it was. miss & love you so much Daddy,

I've been reading posts these last few days but just haven't posted anything. Truth is I don't know what to say anymore, I feel like a broken record. It's 14 weeks this week and while it feels like only yesterday, it also feels like a lifetime ago that I talked to my Dad and had him here......sometimes it even feels like that was all a dream, like I don't know anymore what life was like with him. I have nothing at all to look forward to and don't feel like I ever will again, there was nothing he wasn't a part of in my life, nothing I did without him. So there are just reminders everywhere of this enormous gaping hole in my life. I hate the summer coming along, no Dad there to take my Mom away for long spins in the car.No vacations to look forward to (he loved NYC so much and we should be planning a trip there now) and I hate hearing people talking of their plans for vacations. Every day is just so lonely. Couldn't sleep well last night, just couldn't stop thinking about those last minutes, the hospital telling us over and over "it's not looking good" and the crushing pain I felt knowing that was it, my good life was being snatched away from me and all I wanted was my Daddy to tell me it would be ok. I just don't know how to live without him, the thought of being around for years to come without him scares me but it's all I can do to just exist.There is nothing at all in this world to bring me any happiness now so I just struggle on with every day, wishing away the days,weeks,months & years. just don't know what more to say, thanks for letting me get this out, Daddy's lost little girl