niamh

hi rimmasum, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling from this. It's a tough one and none of us can really say why exactly she says and does these things. I do still talk with my friends. Did you know her Mom well, would you have been close to her ? If so, then that can be extremely difficult...I have not really spoken to some cousins who are like siblings over the last few months ....sometimes I think it's maybe because they were so close to my Dad, I honestly don't really know. Another part of me finds it difficult to talk them about the real hard emotional stuff ....I don't find them the easiest when it comes to conversations like that, and because it's the big pink elephant in the room I can't just avoid it and chat generally so for now there just is no chats much as they want to be there for me. I can see what she means about the past being hard .....I can't look back, I hear a song that reminds me of something as simple as a night out with friends last summer and I have to turn it off. I can think of anything from the past for now because it is too painful. (especially stuff with my Dad). It's a painful reminder of not only the loss of my Dad but the loss of myself......part of me (most in fact!) disappeared that day, it's changed me forever, I am not the happy person I used to be so I feel I am also grieving all those losses.....all those parts of myself forever changed, gone etc. What she said may not be forever, but for now it is obviously too hard for her. I'd hate to put words in her mouth but perhaps the happiness with you is like a knife through her heart for those happy times....a time when everything was fine in life, her Mom was still here. All I can say is stay in touch with her, if the conversations on the phone are short, don't read into it, if she ignores the calls, don't read into it, if she doesn't reply to text/email ..just don't read into it.....and I know that is very hard to do. Know that for now her mind is fully focused on processing all this. And yes I know you mention she went out with friends and I know that hurts you ....but don't try to force her to talk to you, confide in you ....that's too much pressure. I can see by the conversation you want to try so hard but from her side I can see pressure pressure pressure. Give her a few days, send a text/email ....nothing analysing what she's saying or doing but something as simple as thinking of you, sending hugs to you and leave it at that. She will respond in her own good time. honestly that's as much as I can say, everyone says same thing, you need to give her her time right now as hard as that is for you .... you love her enough to let this be all about her right now and what she wants. I've read so many things on grief recommending no major decisions be made the first year (guess the mind is like a minefield for now!) so while this may take time .....it may not be the end for her as long as you allow her do what she wants w/o pressuring her. Believe me she knows you care so be gentle and patient and remember no pressure, Sorry for the pain you are in too ! niamh

Hi Vicki, first I am so sorry about your Dad and Hubby, I'm like a lost child w/o my Dad. Anyways, I'm glad you got a sign albeit only 4 seconds.....I wish for something every day but nothing. There's been times where I think I have got his scent but it is literally a split second thing, one sniff and poof it's gone. So I put it down to my imagination ....sometimes I think nothing will be enough but I wish for such a real "proper" sign.... hugs

closs86, I am so so sorry for your awful loss and pain. I lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas (stupid cardiac arrest, no warning not that the hospital were monitoring....) anyways I am an only child and so thankful that I do still live at home.My Mom is all I have now. My heart breaks more (if possible) every single day for her. Their 40th anniversary was Easter Sunday. They were tied at the hip, did absolutely everything together. I know her pain and my pain are 2 so very different things. I would give anything to be able to take it away from her, along with dealing with my own loss I have such an ache for my Mom's smashed heart now. I know there are no words of comfort but you will find some special people here trying and trying to hard to just live now and there's the tiniest tiniest comfort from knowing someone else in the world has lost their whole life like you have. Again I am so sorry for you Be kind to yourself now, it's all about YOU... hugs

thanks again Kavish, yeah I like that thought that I will live to see him one day, it's so hard to have the patience waiting for that day and trying to live here without them. I did buy a small cake yesterday, not one I usually would but one of my Dad's favourites hugs and thanks as always

thank you SO MUCH my dear friend loulou. Got thru yesterday, was more cranky for the day than anything else. Today the floodgates opened up again, eyes are sore from crying. Went and got flowers and went up to Dad and just sat there in the sun for almost an hour. Just lost and searching for something i'll never find here on this earth. hugs to you, I hope you are doing ok, I'm still right here with you every step of the way,xox

one last rant for today before my day ends (bed early ..I'm sick with the flu to add to it *sniffle sniffle*) So Dad's birthday is tomorrow, I've been dreading it for weeks now. Last 2 days in work were a complete waste of time, I literally did no work,I tried but just couldn't. Thankfully I am off tmrw and friday so at least I don't have to spend it in work. Anyways, not sure if it's because of his birthday but I feel like I have no emotions the last 2 days. I kinda just feel so frustrated, I can't shed a tear yet it's like something is building up inside me. Seems to be that numbness back again, I sit here thinking about what's happened and I honestly feel nothing ....it's so weird. Flowers for his grave, that's all I can buy, wow that's just so crappy and just annoys me. so yeah, feeling like a mess today and waiting for the volcano to erupt tmrw, honestly I'd kinda welcome the tears and would like to feel something again, this nothingness I don't like. well, lots of hugs and love to all my friends out there ni,xox

yep I understand thanks Marty, yeah i have no probs people reading the posts. Guess I just didn't want friends to google me with it and find them. (wouldn't want to hurt them with things I've said but maybe it would also help them understand if the came across it, what will be will be !) I'll leave my name as is but thank you as always niamh

hi Marty, I just have a question regarding online searches associated with names here. Is it possible to have a setting to block that. Guess I'm conscious that I've told people I am using online forums for this (given no more details) but I just wouldn't want them to be able to find me or my posts with a general google search. I know I guess using my real name doesn't help but I didn't want to not use it. no problems if not thanks ! niamh

hey thanks Aussiemess, I see your new here, welcome to our world hun. yep you said there just is no answer really and the frustration of all the we now question can be so dam hard. oh I hear ya on the wanting to scream too. the funny thing is I talked to my friend on the phone the day after the email and she doesnt try to fix anything, she listens and allows me to let it out. No doubt I know people hate to see us in such sorrow but nobody can change it unless they can reverse what's happened (if only eh !!). I guess as I explain it to her in bits and pieces she understands she can't take away the pain or sorrow. well you've come to the right place Aussiemess, we are all here to listen and share with you without judgement and without trying to change how you feel. I don't know your story but feel free to share it whenever if you like. I find some comfort having friends here to walk this journey with me. so we will all rant and rave and vent and hug each other hugs to you and thanks,

hi rimmasum, no offence taken ....wow that is one of the hardest questions to explain because the truth is there is no logic to some of the feelings and thinkings and only when you've lost can you truly grasp some of the "off" things we feel and do(I don't mean that in a bad way...I will try to explain). It's like your real logical thought process goes off the mark to be honest, yeah it's easy to pick up the phone and call a best friend or family and it doesn't matter as you say who makes the move but that's really not what it's about.When you're stuck in this acute grief I find sometimes it's like I can't actually make the decision to do it, to pick up that phone because in my head I can honestly say there are times when I actually don't know whether I want to talk or don't want to....and I genuinely just can't make that decision myself....hence if someone calls I may answer the phone/reply to text etc. It's that decision making process that gets all muddled up on top of everything else so yep I see from your side it's like "why can't you just call someone you know will listen, wants to listen" from my side "i don't know what I want, I cannot make that decision right now, and nor can i give you a reason as to why I can't make it". Believe me it's frustrating because you remember the old person before this all happened and picking up the phone was just "normal" everyday thing. Again that probably sounds so mad or odd to you (any even maybe others,I'm explaing my experience). There is just is no real logical reasoning behind it, I can't say it's becaue A,B,C and that's just why grief can be so overhwelming and confusing at times. I always thought grief was people get sad, depressed, angry and all that generic stuff you here but until it hit me this raw I suddenly realised this affects so much more than just emotions and feelings. It truly knocks it all out of you, rocks you to the core, blows your self confidence clean out (for me anyways) and suddenly simple basic "normal" human functions can become so difficult to actually deal with. That is probably one of the most frustrating things about it, sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind but in reality I'm not. Let me give you some examples, as I type this I'm a little numb and even thinking of these things brings a partial smile to my face .... When I go into a car park I cannot part my car properly, I need a space with no cards anywhere near where I'm trying to get to. I'm driving over 10yrs, but I can't explain this, oh I've screamed and cursed in the car thinking "geeeeez, I can't even park the F.car".....there's just no logic to it, yet I can pull into a tiny space anywhere on the street no problem. (Ok I sound nuts myself, but I'll keep going ) Another thing I've found most bizzare (and it's not all the time, it comes and goes) is just making the decision on what to wear, I've pulled out clothes, put them back, pulled out more and literally stood loking at my wardrobe again frustrated. I don't look at the clothes and decide "ok can't wear that it's tool cold", again there's no reason, it's just what my mind does. I will eventually just grab something and get dressed !! Another one of these is deciding what to eat, wow it can be a big deal, I've walked around the supermarket looking picking things up, putting them back just not being able to decide. Again, this is me and my experience, others may not have had this. However I have spoken to some friends who have lost, lost suddenly and another who had post traumatic stress aswell and these things they've identified with and believe me it was a relief to me......ok I'm not actually losing my mind, I am not going crazy. Maybe it's the mind being so subconciously pre-occupied with grief, trying to process what's happened that suddenly these simple day to day things become difficult to do and so yep making contact with someone is suddenly very hard to do as are so many other small simple things. I guess it's why there is no real proper manual on grief because some of the things we experience are so hard to actually explain and give real logical understanding to because that's exactly it, there are times when there is absolutely no logic or reason at all for certain things and behavours and that's so difficult for you to understand. I see where you're coming from, I would have thought exactly the same way before this thing hit me. Know that those things are changing for me ....now I can do it a tiny bit more than I could in january, but it's at snail's pace, so so so slow. So this is what my friends do and they are angels for it to be honest: they call me, if I don't answer they leave a nice message. they are not offended if I don't contact them for days and there are times when I don't the text/email, letting me know they are there, letting me know I don't have to pretend I'm fine. again they don't get offended if i don't respond for a bit. As I said it's changing over time, I called a friend the other night, it was a big deal to me to be able do that (again simply no logic ). so I hope I've given you some tiny insight into why these simple basic things have suddenly become big hurdles. I really do hope everything you read here when people reply to you will just somehow enable you with all of this with your poor g/f. You are a great guy to take such time believe me. ttfn, niamh

hi Sharla, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, it's a rotten road we walk these days. I don't really know what to say to you to be honest, I lost my Dad so suddenly and unexpectadly....like loulou sometimes I wish I had warning but then you dont want to see your loved one in pain.....so neither way is good or comforting really, it's just horrible regardless. If my Dad were here and terminally ill, honestly I think I would spend every minute of everyday and night with him, talking to him, getting his advice on things that "might" happen, oh there's just so much I would want to say and do. However, being able to do it is a whole other story I guess. I've never lost anyone slowly like that, everyone has been bloody sudden, just snatched away in the still of the night. I have no words of comfort really other than to say we are all here to listen and share, just a bunch of Daddys girls all longing for their dearest Daddies. (or other loved ones too obviously) You will find some real special people here that much I do know. We are all friends in grief now and just try to do this journey together hugs to you from another little gal, xo

thank you so much Daughter2010 for always taking the time to read and respond.Yeah I definitely find various degrees of understanding now with friends who've been through and those that haven't.I'm sorry your Dad didn't get to know your b/f. I am single and have lost the dream of meeting someone coz now I don't have my Dad to "vet" him and give his approval ...he was always so great for the advice and I would never ever leave my Mom now, so if I did meet anyone it's a package deal. My Mom only said to me last night me coming home from work everyday keeps her going, knowing she's not completely alone so I'm finally thankful that I still live at home for once, always felt wow Im so "old" still being at home.There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with Mom (at least on this earth I mean ) yeah I do the best I can, I don't find I'm cutting my friends out at all for the most part, I meet those that live in my city and I do talk to those that don't, fairly regularly. I go to work and can do bits and pieces, it's slowly coming back to me (I've a technical job in computers so all knowledge went clean out the window these last few months). One of my good pals did tell me recently that she thinks I am doing great and she said that was what she sees looking in from the outside. So I'm doing the best I can. I just can't find happiness or hope or joy in any of it but I am functioning so for now that's as much as I can do. I understand what you mean when you say Dad would want me to be happy and all that but it just isn't something I can make happen so for now I'm going to be true to myself and I know my Dad understands, that for now the new me is not the bubbly happy person I used to be.....maybe someday who knows, I don't and I will just take it one step at a time as you say. thanks again so much, this site and people on here mean so much to me these days hugs to you aswell,xox

thanks Jodo, aw sorry about your Aunt not being there. oh yeah I hear you on the small talk. I have no probs (most of the time) listening to my friends, asking about things going on in their lives but the generic chat with people in work etc I just can't do it. Oh the Springtime is killing me. The weekend was so beautiful here and truth is i spent most of it inside crashed out watching tv with curtains closed because it is really crushing my heart even more seeing it.last time I wore t-shirts was walking around Wash DC with Dad, the reminder is just too much for me. Monday I did go up to Dad and just sat down there for about 30mins crying and writing in a journal....it's like that's the only time I want to be outside in the sun is going to visit him. oh hun I know what you mean about the pictures, honestly I actually can't look, I have a few on my phone that I try every so often I end up putting the phone away. (can't go near anything on my computer ...I used to download all his pics from his camera). I made an enquiry about a month ago for memoriam cards, I found some photos on my comp of my parents holiday in Dubai.....found some lovely backgrounds for the cards but then I just couldn't go through and look for photos of Dad for them so I've left it for now. I just feel my heart will burst completely looking at them and I actually think part of me is afraid of the fact that there are only a finite number of photos, what if I get sick of looking at the same ones yet it's all I have coz I can't get any new ones? Funny thing is in the last year or so it was always on my mind we don't take enough photos....weird !!!! I was so frustrated yesterday when I wrote yet at the same time I was emotionally numb if that makes any sense? I tried thinking of him last night and just couldn't, just lay in bed trying to work out what the hell happened with my life. Today I do feel a little more emotional (along with a sniffly cold..gggrr) but I feel it's gonna crash down on me today or tmrw. Tmrw is his 66th birthday. Have made no plans with Mom, no dinner out or anything....not even sure if she knows, I've kinda been afraid to mention it, she's been having a hard time the last week or so. yep I do find comfort with you loulou and I being on the same time frame with this. I obviously really do appreciate all the others who take time aswell, those who've come that little bit farther than us but we're bang smack in the middle right now not seeing any light so there's a real daily understanding there. much hugs and love to you from across the miles Jodo and thanks as always, I can never thank you all enough really !! xox

thanks pastmidnight, I'm so sorry for you losing your Grandpa. yeah I try to just ignore what i feel are insensitive comments, I ignore for a while then it bubbles up so I vent it here rather than directly at the person ! Suffocating, that's a good word for how I feel with the "nice" warm weather. yep like you I try so hard now to avoid it when people ask how I am other than a few really close friends who genuinely want to know. Otherwise I flip it asking how they are and just listening to them.you know I like the way you said "I feel different as time goes on" ....I prefer that so much to the word "better" coz I'm just not sick. one day at a time I guess for now, it's all I can do at the mo. thanks and hugs back at ya

add me to that list relating. I go through the motions of work with a heaviness and then sometimes on the way back from a ciggie break it's like this unbelievable stunned feeling I get, I feel almost detatched completely from everything ....only for a split second and then it goes again. Guess maybe it's the body's way of letting this reality really slowly. This might sound silly but it's like I'm always sad but sometimes I don't actually think or know about why...again this can be just for a second, it's not that I forget but at the same time it's like I do forget the full reality. today is a waste of a day in work, I can't do anything and now I'm outta here, it's hometime at last!!

LOL loulou, there's been so many things I've found on grief and wanted to just email to friends, work colleagues but I just can't, I can imagine some of the reactions Here is another one actually that I found back in January. Always so so tempted to email it.

Rimmasum, it may be very hard for her after spreading her ashes. anyways if she doesn't want contact with you, let her be and be gentle with her. I am definitely finding lately I am not contacting people, I wait for them to contact me, sometimes I still ignore it for a bit. But I am hurt by those I can't seem to talk to at the mo (some close family) that they are now completely distancing themselves from me....maybe they think it's what I want and yeah I find it hard to speak to them in person or on the phone. But I kinda just wish maybe if they would send a text or email just to say something like "thinking of you", nothing more, don't ask how I am coz frankly I'm still absolutely CRAP but just so I know they are thinking of me and they are there for me (altho now I wonder, it's getting longer since we spoke, maybe they are washing their hands of me, I've enuf to deal with so not caring too much right now!) But believe me those short little texts or emails that I get from people mean a lot. Just had a guy in work reply to my work related email but he started it with saying he was so sorry for what happened and was too shy to come to me, didn't know what to say etc but wanted to say something. That alone, that email was just a really nice gesture that I appreciate so much. confusing ....OH YEAH, want contact, want to be left alone let us know how things go with her and know that us grievers are here always so we can try to give you some continued insight....

ok I'm on a roll today ranting about things. Maybe coz I had a pretty quiet last few days with not much contact with anyone but Mom. I have a very good friend who's been so good to me through all this, I've cried on the phone to her, she listens and has just been great. She still is great but sometimes I feel she's trying to fix me a little bit now so it gets me so annoyed but I don't say anything. I don't want to hurt her, she doing her best. Last week she tells me to "have hope, know there's help there", tells me Dad would give me a bol$$$$ing if he knew I'd put my life on hold. That was all on email so I just didn't reply. The last thing I need is guilt thinking i'm somehow now hurting my Dad or disappointing him because of the way I feel about it all now. I can't help it and I know my Dad understands and I'm sure he just wants to be able to be there and help me (but GOD doesn't seem to let him.,...ggggrrrrr whole other conversation !!! ) On the phone recently she told me to just have patience with her because she will keep suggesting I talk to someone over and over, luckily it was just at the end as we were saying goodbye. Let it go please, I know there are options but just coz someone keeps saying it to me doesn't mean I will go. This is my grief and it's not stopping me from functioning on a daily basis, I'm just not the happy person I used to be and right now reversing what happened is all that will bring happiness which is not possible! While telling someone else how horrible Easter was and how I can't be around people who are blissfully bubbly happy with life and putting it on full display she said "well, that's something you'll have to get used to".....she said it in a half apologising way. So I just said yeah. My real thoughts were NO, I don't have to get used to it, I will walk away and take myself out of any situation that I find too much for me. So, I won't be saying much to her anymore about how I really feel. Sometimes I want to just say "you wouldn't have said that last Christmas when I lost Dad so don't say it now. Just because 3.5 months down the line, your duty of attending the funeral is over, it's far from over for me....it's really only beginning because now it's becoming more real". But I'll hold my tongue and rant here to my friends in grief instead. Truth is nobody can really say the right thing because the fixer in my life is exactly who was taken. Nobody can talk to me the way Dad did and I guess that's what I'm missing. Lately when people react a certain way, say a certain thing all i think is Dad wouldn't have done/said this and that's exactly where the issue lies. I am just missing him and his support, he could always fix everything, always give me hope regardless of what was happening in life and he was the only one who could do it coz he was my Daddy. another thing slightly off topic here is people making plans with me, saying they'll call for coffee, saying we'll go for dinner, saying we'll go for drinks and I say yes, I agree to it and then nothing, no cancellation, just no mention of it at all and I just can't be bothered bringing it up. I'll just know next time they ask I won't bank on it actually happening, I'll take it with a grain of salt. So I know Mom is only one I can truly rely on now, truly trust 100% to be there, knowing she won't let me down.Just another thing Dad was good for (it's a never ending list really as you all know !!) well thanks to all for listening to me and as always I'm interested in your feelings and experiences on the journey. n....

Hi JMB, I am sorry for all your losses. This is a great site with so many great caring people on it so I'm glad you found it. It gives us all a chance to vent, rant and know there is someone else in the world experiencing similar feelings. I lost my loving Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Does the pain ever end, unfortunately I can't answer that. I'm knee deep in it and it feels like it will never end, it will just be part of me forever. Life has changed, I can't control it, can't change what's happened and I'm stuck with this pain, sorrow and emptiness forever. I don't have interest in doing anything anymore, I do the bare minimum, going to work, meeting friends for hour or so every so often. However I will say there are things I want to do in work....I've been removed from the role I had before this happened because for now it's too hard, too much pressure. That frustrates me, the old job was my dream job and I used to love it. While I dont actually enjoy work like I used to I want to just be able to do that job but I can't. It's too much, too overwhelming as you say. The smallest things now like talking in a meeting (even going to a meeting) has me get nervous and it all frustrates me because this was not the person I was. But she's gone and I have to learn to do all these things over again from scratch. So like you I just do the minimum, I put things off till tomorrow, next week, the week after and do them when time runs out and I just have to. anyways, keep talking to us, we can listen and tell you what we are going through and maybe you will find some comfort that you're not alone and others are feeling things similar to you....

hi All, I sit in work today and just cannot concentrate at all to do anything, I just cannot careless about it today so going to have a rant here to my dear good friends so here goes... I have 3 first cousins who are/were like brothers and sister to me growing up (I'm an only child). We were always the best of friends.2 of them no longer live in this country but we always talked regularly especially one of the boys and me. He's the one Dad & I went to visit on our last holiday to New York last October. The girl lives near me and works in same company. They lost their Mom (who was a second Mom to me and another best friend) 4 years ago.Looking back now I remember finding it hard to talk with her over the following couple of years, always felt she cared about nothing but herself, now I realise it's this grief thing (altho I try to still ask my friends about their lives etc).Anyways now I hardly talk with her at all, I find it so hard (she was probably never the easiest anyways emotionally but definitely so much harder after her Mom died) but now I find it impossible to talk to her. She's very good to my Mom, calling her, taking her for dinner etc. Mom told her last week that I am finding it hard to talk to her and that I had said maybe it's coz she was so close to my Dad aswell. Truth is I have no clue why, I just don't know what to say. I tell her about stupid meaningless work stuff, sometimes I complain about work and I never get the reaction I want.I've been thinking about it last few days and I think I am just missing my Dad's reaction, he would always say the right thing and there's nobody now who would say anything like Dad would. So now she has stopped texting me, stopped asking me to go for breaks in work .....I guess she's keeping her distance. When I have in the past talked about how I truly feel she just says nothing but "yeah" so that makes me extremely uncomfortable so I've long stopped talking about how I feel to her. I guess I thought maybe she'd open up about how she felt after her Mom ....she's done that with my Mom but not me.I just wish she would send the odd text or something just to say I'm thinking of you. She told me friday maybe the sunshine and good weather coming would give me some happy hormones.....YEAH RIGHT, sunshine is all I need ..... I said nothing. I hate the sunshine so much now, reminds me of too much, it's too painful so when not at work I stay at home out of the sun most of the time wishing for the nightime. The 2 boys I no longer hear from, in fact one who managed to get back for the funeral never said so much as sorry to me when he was here, never once mentioned anything to me about what happened. Again he was close to Dad so maybe he's having a hard time. he did email me back in January letting me know how he felt after his Mom died and just said someday somebody will come to my life and a chance comes to "snap" me out of this to a certain extent. Heard nothing from him since. He calls Mom once in a while and also said to her that he knows I am distancing myself from them and he understands ....but again send me a friggin email, a facebook comment, something to just say he cares if he does. The other guy in USA doesn't call much anymore, odd time to Mom but again no contact to me. I guess they don't have a clue what to say to me, they know how close Dad & I are/were (UGH hate evening writing WERE!!!!). Here's the thing, I just don't think I care anymore, whatever , good for you all if you've handled your Mom's death and managed to live again. I just can't talk to them and wonder if in time they just won't care anymore either, will have lost patience with me.....I don't know but for now I don't care. There is a fourth girl there but our relationship disappeared long before this so I have zero tolerance for her now, hate the way she treats my Mom, all talk about "being there" but never ever picks up the phone to her. I'm so over playing "happy families" with her so hope I can avoid her in future when she visits. I feel so lonely without Daddy. I adore my Mom but it's not the same. Nobody will ever love me like Dad, nobody will ever be there for me like him and I will never love anyone like him. He was constant, he was always there whenever for whatever and I'm just a lost lonely soul now wandering the earth without meaning. anyone else finding relationsips hard be it family or friends? Is it that they were close to Dad (he was like a father to them too, their parents separated when they were kids) so they are grieving now too although they still smile and carry on with life unlike me. love and hugs to all of you & thanks as always for taking the time. xox

hey hun, another day over at last and curtains closed as I write this feeling like it's just groundhog day and will be forever. Like you and loulou I too feel that pain in my chest/heart especially everyday walking to my car after work knowing he won't be coming in the door. I do cry in front of Mom, usually when something has set me off though coz it normally just burst out, can't hold it in. We seem to cry at different times, when she cries, I'm not (most of the time). But the real hard sobbing I just do alone usually when I know there's a couple of hrs where I definitely wont see anyone. I don't talk about him at all actually, Mom kinda just mentions the odd thing here and there.....I just can't go there at all, other than saying how much I'm missing him and hating all this. His birthday is coming up on 15th so I'm taking 2 days off work, couldn't cope being in there at all, I'm dreading it so much. You know when I'm writing here I find it so surreal, it's like I'm writing for someone else, that this isn't actually happening to me,how could it be ..... it's such a really weird feeling. yeah I sure feel like I'm hogging this site with all my posts lately. I get one lot of stuff out here and another in a journal where I just write to Dad. I feel like such a broken record lately, just always sad and lonely. hugs and love to you as always dear friend xo

hi Daughter2010, BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY Im glad you were able to spend your birthday including your Daddy like that. I'm still nowhere near close to being able to reminisce, maybe someday. Like you I had almost 35 years with my Daddy and I am so scared at another 30+ without him.....I feel it will be just misery, there certainly won't be as many memories as my first lifetime with him and in one way I hate time passing. I don't want to forget anything but am so scared as time goes on I will because I can't look back so I wonder if that will make me forget the little things. I lost my aunt 4 years ago (her daughter and I found her) and she was like a second Mom to me, we were so close. I certainly didn't grieve for her like I do now, there is no comparison at all. But as time went and goes on I don't think about her as much (certainly not since Dad)and I don't recall as many memories anymore. I don't want that to happen with Daddy, it can't happen can it, I hope not. Surely when he was part of every single day of my life I won't forget like that. UGH it just all sux where is the fast forward button !!! xo

Hey Jodo! fortunately I do live near the cemetery so I do go quite regularly when the weather is ok(although I hate it when there are other people there). Yep it's spring here also but our weather doesn't get as warm as you guys (it's still quite cold here now).Oh I hear you on the spring/summer thing.....I used to love the summer, now to be honest I hate seeing the sun and bright days....like you because it makes everyone else so extra happy and i know we won't ever again have dinner on the deck at home with Daddy.When I watch tv at home I have the curtains closed all the time now, I just don't like the bright days anymore. I'm glad you like the song, I do hope so much it's my Daddy saying those words to me when I hear it by chance rather than deliberately turn it on. thank you for saying that, I only work now coz I just have no choice, my interest in my work is so gone,I just can't care anymore, just wish the day away everyday. Hugs and love back at ya, I am glad I have a few other Daddy's girls to walk this road with me, xo

hey Jodo, I'm sorry as always.....it's so frustrating when the staff didn't do things properly, I still get so angry with them but in Ireland there is just no point in even trying to get it looked into. we here the stories every other day about how people are "treated" in our hospitals so my dear Daddy is just another on their list of screw ups. Poof and it's all gone is so right. I remember so vividly falling onto my Dad lying on the table thinking "no my life is destroyed forever how can he not be here for Christmas". I couldn't return his gifts, they are still in the back of my car, I can't take them out yet. My Dad like yours adored life and Christmas, he hadn't even got around to getting my Christmas card. I deleted a voicemail from him in a temper a few days later thinking I'd never be able to listen to his voice again, now I just want it back. I came home from work today and Mom was throwing out some stuff belong to Dad, nothing really important but I knew I had to check through it all as there was some things I wanted to keep so I did. So my Mom lost her cool, then apologised later. It was $hit to say the least, I had a crap day at work,felt on the way home in the car like it all hit me again like a ton of bricks, stunned that this really really did happen and I can't change it no matter what, I can't control it at all. I cannot believe how my life has turned out. I want my perfect like back coz that's what is was now that I think of it. Like you too when I am alone and can cry it out properly I just scream "I want my Daddy, where are you Daddy" and I still have little panic attacks when it truly kicks in. Aw that's awful about the cemetery, how disgusting for someone to do that, I'm sorry. Like we havent enough sadness already and then for someone to be so nasty. We haven't Dad's done properly yet, no headstone yet.I want to buy lots of nice little things for it to keep flowers in, candles etc. It's somewhere I want to go during the summer when the weather is nice, sit and write to my Dad. I've sat there once and somehow I felt a little closer to him than just standing there. In saying that all I wanted to do was dig it up and lie down with him. People in work are now starting to talk about vacations, I don't want to be around those chats because Daddy's not here planning his/ours, asking me to check things out. I avoided everyone today as I didn't want to be asked how was Easter and hear people talking about their great weekend. I'm just so sick and weary of life and it's only been a little over 3 months without him, I just don't know how to live another entire lifetime without him, how on earth are we supposed to live for years without our Daddys. (now I feel like I am hogging this board I write to much these last few days :-)) thanks for sharing with us, it's hard to even think about it not to mind write it. hugs and love from another who just wants her Daddy too nothing more.

I'm right there with you,Dad was my best friend too.He was always my Daddy and I was always his little one and only but as I grew up we became such best friends.even as a teenager he would advise me and my friends on what to do about the guys we fancied :-). I just miss so many of the little things we did together or that he was part of. Made dinner tnte for myself and just sat eating it alone thinking Dad you always loved this dinner on Easter Monday. I can't send jokes to his email anymore and I hate not getting any.his emails always brought a smile to my face.there is no part of my life at all he wasn't somehow part of so no matter what i do there's a reminder of this enormous gap that can never be filled. He was my security blanket,now it's cold without him. I hope he's just making another for me in a different form that I will feel again someday. Thanks as always,you all are special friends as we go this journey. HUGS!!