Lostdaughter

OMG, I am so sorry for your losses. How can it possibly be abnormal to miss them? My heart goes out to you. They say grief never really leaves...it just gets different. If you are abnormal, then I am severely abnormal. I don't let go of things easily and still grieve certain things years after the fact that aren't nearly as much as what you've had to deal with.

Ron B. Thanks. I'm curious, what major differences do you see? I can tell you one thing that is major; I am grieving leaving the SF Bay Area. I haven't been there since 2007 (for a visit) and leaving was the worst decision of my life. I am glad that you are finding some good to come out of this. Yes, the process is hard and it's still early on for me. It's only been since end of August dad died. But I'm having some major issues with my mother now too. Because she is doing so well (and doesn't seem to be missing a beat) I can't really talk to her about my feelings of loss. Don't get me wrong - I am glad she is holding up so well, but it's a rather bizarre feeling that she'd lose a husband and I'd lose a father and yet she is doing so well and I'm not. Makes me wonder...and not in a good way. Case in point - I was upset over something this morning relating to this (former) friend I still can't figure out and I was angry. All my mother said was I am only hurting me and that "she (former friend) is winning." She had all of 2:58 seconds to talk to me before she said she had to go as my brother might be trying to call her. It makes me feel like she is telling me to just shut up and doesn't want to be bothered. This makes me want to call her even less. Yet, of course, she is mom and I love her. But I'm conflicted. I've never been able to really turn to her and it's almost like the roles have been reversed. Anyway, I see a therapist this afternoon (seems pathetic that I have to pay someone just to talk to me) but it is what it is. I guess my feeling at this point is...when do I get to be important? Will I ever get to be important? I guess the answer is...not until I'm important to me, but if no one else thinks I'm important, how can I think I'm important? Oh well, maybe this new therapist will help this afternoon.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter and in such a sad way. The only words I can share that might help is that an addictive life is not a fun one and is very tough to beat. Most don't. Pls take comfort in the fact that your family did step up to the plate and help her as much as humanly possible. Your daughter was fortunate to have a family like yours. Her legacy will live on in the beautiful child she brought into this world. I think your daughter is in a better place now. She did seek the help she needed and that, in and of itself, was a major triumph. For whatever reason, her life was cut short and it's my belief she lives on in another plane.

I feel like a nutcase going from one extreme to the other. Last night I was so angry. Today I am just crying. I'm acutely aware of all the things I am supposed to be doing but I am not. I feel like each time I get a bit on my feet something else comes along to knock me down. It feels like a series of losses and each one just makes it harder to cope with the next one. I have this habit of reading stories on the Net in an effort to try to make me grateful for what I have and to make me realize things could be worse. Yes, it does work - for about five minutes. Ever since my dad went into hospice my world changed. Logically, I know his days were numbered. Logically, I know he had no quality of life. Logically, I know he lived a long life, even if his final years were miserable. I have turned into a different person since the first week of April when he entered hospice(not that I was doing well before this). A line was crossed. For all of the good things I've heard about hospice, my experience with it wasn't good. This was another hospice in another state, not to be confused with Hospice of the Valley on this site. I was never the kind of person to lash out at others and just end friendships right and left. I guess once he went into hospice things seemed stupid and not important and I lost patience in many situations. Even if I was justified in some of my irritation, I am not happy with my behavior on a personal level. Now, this isn't to say I think picking up the phone to get those friendships back is the way to go. I don't. But now I'm really alone and just not in the mood to reach out to new people. There are a couple of people I can talk to, but I don't like to talk about my dad's death with anyone except people who are in the mental health industry or maybe people who know what grief is like. I just don't feel I can trust people anymore. I haven't quite decided whether I want to let these experiences take me out or if I can even figure a way out. I had a therapist tell me all of this was just "my depressive thinking." Well, reality is that I don't see much to look forward to. I've missed out on so much in life. I am scared each time I talk to my mom and live in fear of her passing. That, I don't think I'll survive. So I found a different therapist and one who I think can understand what it's like to be a single woman, no children, menopausal, and with a history of depression herself. I just could not relate to this man who had been married for 30 years, with children, a successful career etc. I just couldn't buy into his telling me all that ailed me was "my depressive thinking." Anyway, trying to keep some sort of routine (while I watch person by person exit from my life). I'm still volunteering but can't quite look for work. I just don't know and had to type this out.

Melina and rain, I am *so* sorry for the loss of your dear spouses. Rain, you do have a way with words. Far from bringing me down, I take some warped comfort in knowing I am not the only person who wonders about moving on. In my case, I really thought that after being alone for so many years I'd found my soulmate. In a way, I think both of you were blessed to know real love, as sorrowful as it is for it to have been cut so short. I have no words of wisdom. I guess I agree with you rain, that there are matters to tend to and finding the will to not go on is more unattainable than to just keep getting up every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Melina, I think going on for your kids is what it's all about. Or so I imagine. Or so I've been told. I've gone to a grief group locally and there are many there who experienced all kinds of losses. However, there was also a gentleman who did find someone else and did remarry. It does happen and he seemed genuinely happy. I guess he came to show us that life can go on and change in ways we'd never imagine. Anyway, I wish for peace and some happiness for both of you.

Ron, I am so glad that music lifts your spirits. Sounds like you have quite the setup there. As to what does mine, I'd have to say my two little Shih Tzus. When I'm really down, I pick one or both up (not at the same time!) and look into their baby doll faces and it always makes me feel better. Or if I lay down on the sofa they will both jump up and lick me and walk all over me.

Melina, I think the tidal waves are quite normal. It seems to be the nature of grief. I can relate (in part) to how you must be feeling. I didn't lose a partner, I lost a dad. However, the past year I did lose someone I thought would be my husband and define the rest of my life. I took that whole situation very hard and made several bad decisions based on thinking my future was with him. I was to have moved in 2006 back to my former city of residence, but stayed here instead thinking I had a future. I'm 51 and don't have any children. Last year was, in part, grieving the loss of the possibility of children. So when I look at the future it doesn't look real rosy. No, I don't have the loss of a marriage partner to contend with (well, do have a divoce in my past), but somedays I look ahead and don't see much to live for. It's really tough for me to get motivated to look for work and, when I realize what kinds of jobs I see in this town, I think what for? So I can be even more miserable than I already am and feel even worse? Anyway, I don't want to bring you down, but I can identify with the feelings of wondering what to do at this age when it just doesn't seem like things are ever going to be again what they were in the past. Have you thought of counseling and/or some medication to get you through this difficult time? Hugs, LD

Thank you all. Seeing the bereavement counselor was a good thing this morning - very nice person and I asked where my dad was. I was comforted in her response. All heck broke loose with the manipulator friend last night. She continues to defend the new friend I met who hates smokers and I pointed this out to her - that I've known her for three years and that she would defend someone she met ONCE and not take issue with all the nasty things this other person has said. Her comeback was some creepy email about how she wishes me the best in life but that I am paranoid and bitter. Of course, she fails to acknowledge any of the truths I said. So I sent her back an email telling her to save the public-relations like response for someone who is stupid and told her I'm blocking her email address. It is so obvious that she just wants to get to know this other person and I am just super offended that she would side with someone she met one time. This woman has had three years to tell me that smoking was a problem and never jumped on the bandwagon until this other one made several nasty comments. Oh well, I do believe this friend of mine stole an expensive gold necklace from me a couple years back, but I'd overlooked it, due to other things she has done that were nice. So no big loss. I can share that anger IS a part of what we deal with. We deal with a myriad of emotions. I guess we all know that it's only "safe" to talk about grief for so long as our friends just expect us to move on and get over it. I hope I never run into either of these women again as I don't need the nastiness. And the worker guy who was to have shown up before 9 just showed up a few minutes ago. The stress of having someone work in my house with stuff everywhere and not knowing when this job will be done is getting to me too. It's uncomfortable for me to have to stay in two rooms only and I don't know what to do with myself when he's here.

In the process of losing my Dad I either ended several friendships or things just got ugly with others. I am down to one friend who doesn't live here. I just don't trust people. I'm hurt my dad is gone, I'm hurt my close friend (someone I regarded as the father I never had) was such a jerk when my dad died, I am upset other people weren't there for me, and I am really irritated over what happened over the weekend. I had a falling out with someone who sent me an email out of the blue wanting to patch things up. Turns out what she was really after was to needle me on why I hadn't set up a get together with another woman she met one time. This other woman I met recently isn't my friend anymore either. I am a closet smoker (I know, bad) and I could no longer endure her calling smokers disgusting, or lower consciousness etc. So I finally came out of the closet, as it were, and then got a weird email from her. Then the friend I've known for three years kept needling me wanting to know what happened with this other friend (she's met once) and made comments about how she'd asked me three or four times for us to get together and kept on defending the person she met one time. Finally I got disgusted with that too and told her I thought it was rather odd, considering I had mentioned the job situation, getting the floors done in my house, etc. Anyway, I am just irritable over everything and thinking all the effort I've put into friendships has been for naught. Yet I'm lonely but just tired of meeting the same people over and over who have their own agendas. Does any of this make sense? I see a bereavement counselor tomorrow and am going to discuss all of this. On top of everything, my house is in complete disarray and I never know when these worker guys are going to show up. Grrrr....can anyone relate to anything I'd said? All I want to do is just lay on the sofa with blankets over me. Thanks for letting me vent.

Lately I've been anxious and have been feeling like my throat is closing up. I've had that before, but now I have this pain in the center of my chest, but it's more like a muscle pain where my middle esophagus is. This is new to me. I am sort of concerned, and maybe have been rubbing it too much which might be making it worse. I've read that grief will do strange things. Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with anything similar or new and unexplained pains. In addition to losing my Dad six weeks ago, I accepted a new job. I googled on the company tonight and found PAGE after PAGE of complaints on this company by consumers and over 800 BBB complaints calling this collection agency a bunch of bottom feeders and harassers. I am stressed as I need a job and benefits, yet can't afford another short term job on my resume. I just can't see myself doing a job like this for long, so I feel stuck. I am thinking I cannot go forward with it. So there is much on my plate that could be causing strange things. I never worry about back pains, etc, but this muscle pain in front has me worried.

Shelley, I know how hard it is to be alone on holidays as I've been alone for many years now for all of them. This year I've decided to sign up for volunteering on all the holidays. It helps. Maybe if you have no one to spend Christmas with you might consider this too. Believe it or not, there are people out there even worse off and volunteering does make one feel better. Try not to feel too lonely this weekend, ok?

Oh Lindakay, I am so sorry you lost Scott to suicide. That has to be absolutely devastating. I read a lot about that topic though, and I do understand that for some people they just don't want to go on due to depression. Since I've dealt with depression my entire life - I really get it. I would hope it would never come down to that choice for anyone (myself included), but we're in such an infant stage (and by "we" I mean the medical and psychiatric community) that for some people the drugs don't work, the therapy doesn't work, and it just becomes too much. I do hope someday that advances are made to alleviate the suffering of those afflicted with mental illness. I have read of the devastation left behind to the survivors of suicide and I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. It's a tragedy all the way around for everyone. As to Karma, yes, I do agree with your thoughts and I go a bit beyond maybe. I do believe in other planes of existence and also that we reincarnate. It's the only thing I've come across that makes sense in terms of a loving God and the injustices of this world and it explains why some are born into riches and some not and suffer horrible lives - well, my take anyway. I've changed so much during the past 15 years and I am a better person, in that I volunteer and look out for others. It's a better way to live. I've been so preoccupied with death lately (maybe normal, maybe not). I need to get things done like my will and make sure that whatever I have goes to the animals, who far too often have no one looking out for them. I'm sorry for the loss of your doggy. I know how sad that is. I have two little ones now (two Shih Tzus) and while they will never replace my other dogs, I need to look out for them too. Take care and thank you for sharing your story. Oh, and I believe in your visitations and think you were fortunate to have them. I had a little Maltese that died tragically and by accident. This may seem trite, but I believe her spirit was around for months following to let me know she lived on. There were weird things that happened. When my last dog died, I held him and told him to go to the Rainbow Bridge. I had him put to sleep in my home. I had hoped his spirit would stick around, but it never did. I guess he did go to the Rainbow Bridge peacefully. I miss them both so much and have a shrine set up for them in one of my bedrooms.

KJO, I'm sorry that any resources where you live require insurance. I am fortunate in that there are several grief groups where I live. Maybe there is another kind of group where you are, that would be somewhat related to grief that would help? I am even thinking a depression support group. Yes, I know how it is when friends want to see you and you want to be alone. I try not to discuss my grief, so I am hoping they aren't thinking I am just being anti-social. I figure no one wants to hear about it anyway, yet I need to preserve my alone time to process everything. Here's hoping your sleep improves.

Dear Melina, Please don't second guess yourself and try not to think too much about the "what ifs." They will drive you crazy. Being tired (as he was) is something that most people would not even think of as being a symptom of anything, other than our crazy and hectic lifestyles in this society. I think most everyone is tired most of the time. I know I've been tired for a long time and there are so many conditions that bring this about - sleep deprivation, stress, work, depression, just life. I am sorry you lost your husband to lung cancer. I say this as a smoker who knows full well of the risk and I keep trying to quit and that is always my plan. Some people get lung cancer due to smoking and some people do not. By the time it is symptomatic, often it's too late and nothing can be done. It's hard to prevent what one doesn't even see or detect until it's too late. And there are people who get lung cancer who don't even smoke. I like to think that when we've learned the lessons on earth it's our time to leave and go to the other side. That's not to say we shouldn't take care of ourselves, but there are many examples of people who take excellent care of themselves and still die an untimely death. And then there is always the risk of even driving a car. No one knows for sure how long we have, so I guess the idea is to make the best use of the time we have. Take care and I hope for better sleep and peace of mind for you.

Thanks, LindaKay. I am trying. I have a ton on my to-do list. Problem is, for the most part, all that's on my list are chores. I realize how alone I am and it sort of makes me feel like I really missed the boat. I used to be married. I missed out on children. I am only close to my Mom and one other person and neither live where I do. It's harder to make friends the later one gets in life, as so many people are married and/or have kids. I have friends here, but most are married and this means being alone a lot. I have done the meetups and they aren't bad, but it's tough to really make friends when they don't meet regularly. The only group that meets on a regular basis is this Spanish conversation group and even that - well, I do to improve my Spanish for the job market. I guess I need to take more risks and just force myself to get out of this house but, with no income, it's hard to justify. If I am able to do this job I accepted, then I will have an income so I'll feel like I have discretionary income to spend. I think about the losses and I think for each loss I never really recover. There was the divorce, then the tragic loss of the dog that we got during our marriage, then the loss of my other dog two years ago (my pets are my kids), then the loss of this relationship that was very important last year and the dream (I look back and was just deceived and stupid), then the loss of my Dad five weeks ago. I feel like life is just a series of chores and losses. It's hard to move forward when this is how I view life. Anyway, I realize I have gotten off track from my original question. I've never quite believed tears are good, not that I am questioning what you say. They just don't seem to do much good. All they do is stuff up my nose and then I still feel bad. At any rate, maybe I need a gratitude list and then to just try and believe that good things CAN happen and that it's not all about loss and work. Or maybe I need some spiritual path to put all of this in perspective. I have a friend who believes in Karma - that there is no hell and that living on earth is the hell. I think this benefits her as she views anything negative as her Karma. Maybe I just need to learn more about that spiritual path. I try to realize things could be much worse, that there are others in life far worse off, but it doesn't really seem to make the pain of loss go away. Ok, I'll stop blabbing now.

I don't know if this is good or bad and would like some opinions. Over the years I've stopped listening to music, for the most part. It just brings up memories of happier or not so happy times so I've just stopped listening to it. Someone mentioned a song on here and I played it on YouTube and it just made me so sad. I went and bought a CD today that has the song. Ok, so it just makes me cry. I know we're supposed to go through this and let ourselves grieve, but I would really like to not have to feel any of this. Maybe just keeping constantly busy doing tasks is a better idea? I am prone to engage in addictions to not feel pain, and this just isn't healthy, so maybe just staying busy is better. Or I really wish I could just sleep at will. That would be my first choice. Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

Melissa G, I just have to comment on your post. Like you, I've weeded out several people since my Dad's death. One was a ten year friendship and things got very emotionally charged (and not in a good way) and he basically refused to express condolences and refused to ask me how I was doing so I wrote him several times and blocked his email. Anyway, I was angry throughout my Dad's whole stay in hospice and I have lashed out at people. My only regret is that I didn't refrain from doing so, even if they did deserve it. Some of them were members of the "let's do lunch" crowd and "let me know if you need anything or want to talk" and then weeks would go by with no word. Some of them were of the "how are you feeling?" crowd and when I said how I felt I never heard back. I was too harsh with one person but there had been a history of problems and I just can't bring myself to try to rectify things given the history of problems. I do miss that friendship. Well, I don't see many people who say they ended friendships or lashed out (and I did) so I just had to comment on your post. I am happy you have a family. You are not alone.

Dear Niamh, I do feel your pain and I really understand how it feels to ask once and then not ask again. I have one person in my life who lost her sister in November and she gets all of this. We've spoken a few times and she acknowedges that I am grieving and that it is still early on. I wish we could be better friends but she is pretty busy with her life. My best friend of 35 years - well, she said some horrible things while Dad was in hospice so I ended that friendship but we did patch things up. Still, the subject of the way I feel really never comes up. She is on me to reconnect my cable and more concerned about that than my Dad. I think most of this stems from losing my Dad at an old age and she lost her Mom at 67 (almost 30 years younger than my Dad). That is something I have to struggle with, as people think that I am not supposed to feel sad because he had a long life. Well, he went through more than six years of dementia and living in a lockdown ward for the last four years, so it wasn't all perfect. Anyway, I can tell you're a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. Unfortunately, not everyone is like you or your Dad. People get caught up in their busy lives and sometimes don't want to deal with "icky" feelings of grief. I am glad your friends will be there for you for the major things, as you said, and that might be all they can do. In a perfect world they'd understand your feelings but we don't live in a perfect world. I have no words of wisdom as to how to make this passage any easier, other than to say what's been said to me. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself, don't take on too much. Ron B has been so astute in all his observations and gives great advice. Now I just have to implement it. Taking care of yourself can be something as simple as sleeping when you feel like it or putting off responsibilities that don't really need to be addressed at that moment. That's what I did this a.m. I woke up at 6 and there is so much I need to do, but I said no and went to bed for another three hours and slept. I can let the house be messy when the Termite people come today. Who really cares. I haven't cooked anything resembling real food for months, but the grocery store has Lean Cuisines on sale so who cares if I just buy a bunch and live off of them. I can take vitamins to supplement things and throw in some fruits and vegetables once in awhile. You get the idea. A person can just slow down and it's all ok. The world won't end if things don't get done today. Take care and I hope for peace for you very soon.

KJO, you've said so much, and I can so relate. My first suggestion is to look for grief resources in your area and go to them, if they are there. I am not a poster child for dealing with friends while grieving, as I cut off four relationships (at least) in the process. Just don't look to them to understand and try not to lash out at them like I did. I so understand the spending a whole month thing. Believe me. You've been dealt a real blow. All I can say is to accept and realize that it's ok for things to be a mess for awhile.

Thanks, KJO. Indeed, we are. Unfortunately, we are members of this club. I do wonder if everyone goes through this though. I think maybe we who post on a forum like this are having a tougher time of it - but I could very well be wrong.

Niamh, Hugs and love back to you! It's a shame that we don't know certain things in advance (like asking about the stories). We can't know until we get there though. I've lived an entire life thinking I was doing the "right" things, but the older I get the more I see how wrong I've been. You have LOTS of words of wisdom and don't you forget it. :-)

Ron B, you always say such smart stuff. You ask important questions. I am taking this job because it's a bad economy, I have been out of work for a long time, what money I have will run out, and I may never get another job at my age. I was taking time for me, but then this company found me on CareerBuilder. Who am I to turn down a job when an employer finds me? With 15 million unemployed, I feel like I must do this. My Dad always told me to take what I could get and he worked until he was 80 years old. What a work ethic that man had. With an 8th grade education and working so hard for so many years, in his mid-fifties he and his partner bought a company and he did well. When he sold his company, his main concern was that his workers would continue to have their jobs. What a change from what we see today. He was a great father to his sons, a great employer, but not as good with girls. Anyway, that is the pain I'll live with the rest of my life. To be perfectly honest with you, I will probably die before the money goes. Part of me doesn't care. Maybe this is normal - maybe not. To answer your question, yes, I do have health conditions but it's my lack of self-care that is going to lead to an early grave. I just don't know how to put me first. I never have. I have lived my life protecting my Mom and putting me second. I volunteer and help others but just can't help me. I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. However, the job may not work out anyway. It's doing something I'd never dream of doing in a different economy and requires I speak Spanish all day long on the phone. I just may not be able to handle it. I am not a native Spanish speaker but I passed their interviews, so here I am. Thanks so much for your thoughts.

Wow, Reba McEntire. Brings back so many memories of my divorce and this song just has me sobbing. It is so true with my Dad. I can barely stand this realization. My Mom told me tonight I am getting quite a bit of money from my Dad's estate. It can't make up for never knowing him. I'd trade it just to hear "I love you." If I had grown up with some sense of this, my life would be far different and, well, that's all. Thanks for reminding me.

I thought I was doing better, but then my Dad's death hit me today. I am not sure why. Maybe it's because someone came to my house to work on my house and I couldn't breathe and had to fight back tears and hide in the bedroom and garage to cry. Maybe it's because I got a job offer and I am afraid to take it, because the last real job I had I took after losing my precious little boy Teddy (light of my life doggy) and I remember just having to cry during work hours and in the car. I feel like I am setting myself up for a crash and burn. I also feel like people don't want to hear about this and that I have no right to feel this way. My own mother is doing fine so what right do I have to not be doing ok? The brevity of life just seems so surreal to me. I had my Dad for 50 years and never knew him. And now I never will. And I have so many regrets and it's too late. It's been too late for years due to his Alzheimer's. I thought somehow I'd just pick up the pieces and move on, but tears are streaming down my face as I write this. I am going to see my MD tomorrow for bloodwork. I think something might be wrong with me as I have not taken care of myself for a long time and especially when my Dad went into hospice which was the first week of April. I feel like I am going to die soon too. Maybe this is normal - maybe not. I've gone to a couple of grief groups and do have an appt with a grief counselor on Wed. I am to start this job soon and everything is just too much. I feel like I started feeling a little better and then took too much on and that I won't be able to do this job. Yet I need this job. My Dad would expect me to take this job. I just don't know. Anyway, the image of turning around and looking at his coffin that beautiful September 1st day is etched in my mind. I can still see it, feel it, and it was an unforgettable moment in time.

Thanks, I love my little girls so much. Ok, they are spoiled little fluff balls, but I still don't want anyone making derogatory comments about them. Well, I am exploring other options to get this job done. I appreciate your post. LD