Lostdaughter

I know this is going to sound stupid and trite, but maybe there is some truth to it. Are any of you old enough to remember Billy Joel's "Only the good die young?" My dad lived to be 95 and all I feel is pain and duplicity. I SO wish I could have experienced what some of you did. But I didn't. They say life is about quality rather than quantity. Just something to consider.

Well, my brother blocked my emails, not a good sign.

Update - there is an attorney to contact and I've done so. It was the attorney that drafted the amendment. Also, I spoke with my mother again (in a very light and upbeat way minimizing all of this to protect her from unpleasantness) and we even laughed about a couple of light things. I want to protect her at all costs. She did, however, say that she'd never rest in her grave unless things were done fairly and divided fairly. I am sure she will get this point across but it does need to be in writing. At any rate, I've stopped sobbing (just about the feeling of having no control and being powerless in the situation and being betrayed). I am now thinking my dad was not of sound mind (and so is my mom). The bad news is that it's sad it has come down to this. I am not the first nor the last person who is going to have to deal with this. This reminds me I need to really update my will soon too. While most of what I have is going to the ASPCA, I have to make provisions for my friend of 35 years too. Thanks to all in this thread for your support. It is bad enough losing my Dad, but to deal with all of this other stuff is just too much.

Thanks, Anthony. There is no attorney to contact, as I suspect he is deceased by now. My Dad would most likely have dealt with an older guy and I searched on the Net and nowhere to be found. My brother sent me the copy of the amendment and the attorney's name was on there and I searched several ways so I can only assume he's no longer. I was hoping to get a copy of the will and any amendments but since my brother thinks it was only necessary for me to see the amendment I may never see the will. I did mention the amendment to my Mom last night and she wasn't aware of it. Nor does she think my dad was of sound mind back in 2001 when he signed it. She was kind of upset with me when I told her I wanted to see the will and thought it implied I don't trust my brothers and, at this point, she is right. She is kept in the dark about everything and she is the only person who is making sure any disbursements are fair, but then again she'd have no way of knowing what is really being done. And the way I interpret the amendment both my brothers can spend my dad's money for their health, support, education or maintenance. IOW, they could go through his entire trust if they choose to. It's really a mess. It looks like I'd have to hire an attorney in that state but I don't want to do that while Mom is still living as I don't want to cause a problem. I knew this would happen years ago, although I didn't think my dad would be signing amendments when not of sound mind. At any rate, I hate to have had to tell my mother about this but she thanked me for doing so. I am just worried now that things are going to be even worse (if they could have become worse) in terms of any relations going forward. I want to be there for my Mom but I'm so angry with my brothers that I just don't know how this whole thing will play out. And for some odd reason this whole thing just makes me want to "check out" as it were, but that would kill my mother but truthfully there is just too much bad stuff going on in my life - period. I'm going to give this whole thing six months and see what happens and then decide what I am going to do. I may just sell this house and move somewhere else and who knows what. I feel so alone and I AM so alone. You are wise to have approached your affairs as you have and if anyone reading this has not made transparent provisions in the event of their death, I hope they do and that my experience can serve as a lesson.

Karen, My dad grew up on a farm in a rural farming community. Still doesn't make it right. Times have changed and women have it tougher than men. It *is* still a man's world, for the most part. Look at Michelle Obama and look no further. Yeah, progress has been made, but not enough. I don't know that my dad loved me at all though, really, but thanks for your kind words. I think he probably thought I was his sister when I went to say good-bye to him in June. I just will never know so many things. Plus, he was nicest to me when he did not know who I was. What does this say?

Thanks all. No worries. I was just angry and sad and crying yesterday. I already called my Mom today (as I do several times a day). That's the problem with love - you just can't shut them out when it's real love. And I think I love her too much to even tell her about this. BUT, I just may mention it after the lawyers (but not tell her about the lawyers). HOWEVER, and having said this, lawyers exist for a reason and I do plan to get to the bottom of this. Looking back over the years, my Dad had Alzheimer's for a very long time. Remember when Reagan had it and was president and yet people didn't even realize it? No, I'll get to the bottom of this one way or the other. Apparently it's not so easy to get a copy of the will. I asked my brother for one but of course cannot really trust him at this point to give me everything. So looks like I'll be spending some money on attorneys. If I'm wrong about my Dad, great. If I'm right about him, not great at all.

No, my only "leverage" at this point (sorry for the poor choice of words) is to cut off all contact and that includes my mother. Truth is, I love her so much, but I just cannot endure this injustice. As to my brothers, no. I ruined things when I said what I really thought - even though true- that I'd been treated like a POS my entire lifetime by all of them. Scarily enough, I'm looking around this house realizing I'd be worth more dead than alive. And I'm even thinking about my will. I am so sad and I just see sorrow and betrayal everywhere. Even my own father! If you should be able to count on anyone, it should be your dad - especially an upstanding one who pretends to care, does not drink, does not hit, etc. Just does not love you. But then that seems to be the theme of my life. I don't get why. I volunteer at two places and am upbeat. I try to not share my pain. Just makes no sense.

Thanks, there are two sons. I don't want to involve my Mom in this, as it will just bring her heartache. I will be calling a lawyer on Monday. At this point, I need to see what I'm dealing with. The worst part is to have been so disregarded by my father. I never knew him - at all. He might have pretended to love me, but he didn't. That is the hard part to cope with. And the WORST part of this is I remember all the plane trips and just grieving the loss of him. All the drunk plane trips as I just could not cope. I remember returning to CA and being so distraught I broke a rib - and over what? Someone who had already written me off at that point? All the torment I went through dealing with his Alzheimer's and for what? To be betrayed in the end? All the tears? All the duplicity? All the pain? I went through HELL dealing with my Dad's Alzheimer's for so many years - at least dating back to 2002. Only to discover I was never important...what a slap in the face. What an ultimate betrayal and by blood. Oh, and this is not about money. I am ready to cut myself off completely from everything and everyone. It will kill my mother and it will kill me, but I will let my brother explain that amendment to her. I just can't take the duplicity anymore. Truth is I have an education (not that my father ever encouraged it) and other things going for me. I believe I can make it on my own.

I received an email from my brother yesterday regarding my dad's trust. Both he and my other brother are co-trustees. Basically, dad wrote the trust in 1996 (before the onset on Alzheimer's?) and then amended it in 2001. My brothers have it at their sole discretion as to who gets what and in what amounts. My Mom is forbidden from naming any other trustee she is related to. Then there is a section I don't understand at all, but it would seem my brothers can spend his money at will as long as Mom is provided for. To say I am hurt and outraged is an understatement. Both of my brothers have a lot of money and it's my sister and I who struggle to make ends meet. I always knew my Dad was better with boys than girls, but this?! I am crying as I type this. When he sold his company he made SURE his MEN were provided for. Yet he's given my brothers the authority to dole out his estate at their whim. Nowhere in that amendment were my sister or I even mentioned. There IS a reason I am single and so messed up with regards to men. How could my father do this to me? I'm not stupid. I'm responsible and have an MBA. Had I known then what I know now, I would not have even attended his funeral. Oh, and in the event neither of my brothers would be able to execute their responsibilities, an independent third party was to be named.

Lindakay, I feel the same about my house - depends on the job situation and other factors, but it's mine for right now. At least improving it will make it salable. I must comment you are so fortunate to have FIVE siblings you get on well with. That is fantastic. Have a fun visit with your sister. I guess I'd better start working on my house. I tend to spend too much time on the internet and it would be nice to get that kitchen finished up, even though it's going to be a pain taping around cupboards, etc. And I do think staying busy is important, whether it be getting together with friends/family or just doing projects and work around the house.

Well, I am coming to terms with dad's death but then I had several years of "losing him" before he physically died. Alzheimer's. I try not to think about the funeral or burial. I just have to put it out of my mind. Even though I've sort of given up on life, I still feel like I need a plan. Right now I'm throwing myself into fixing up my house. I spent two days painting the family room and kitchen and I'm still not done yet. I have a handyman who is laying down laminate throughout the house - I got the laminate for a killer price and he is cutting me a break on the installation. Paint is cheap and makes a huge difference. There are so many things to be done around here (that is what two years of depression will add up to) and I keep plugging away. I have bigger things to think of like survival. At times I am ambivalent about even wanting to survive, but I can't predict when and where I too shall depart. There is a wave of foreclosures coming up in 2012 and the state I live in will try to exempt itself from the Federal healthcare reform. I am thinking I have to go back and get another master's degree and will look out of state. I have too many worries to look too much at losing my dad. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise. He would have wanted me to go on and live to the best. It's probably also good he wasn't "present" for what's happened to this country. Anyway, I need a plan. A plan can help divert attention and move things along. Thoughts?

To the place where they came from.

As much as I hate to say this, I think so. I'm just being perfectly honest here. My uncle died 37 days after his wife of 50 or 60 years died. I will always wonder about those circumstances, even though his family said he died of a broken heart. One thing I've heard on more than one occasion is that loneliness is just as bad for a person as smoking. Well, we know smoking kills. Apparently loneliness isn't much better. Since I alienated all my friends (except for one) during my dad's process, I guess I am feeling pretty lonely. I am no stranger to spending holidays alone, and this year I simply must volunteer. I already do at two places weekly and can't tell you what therapy it is for a person - like an instant anti-depressant. At any rate, I know grief can't be controlled, but we can add things to our life to make it more bearable - like volunteering. It really does work and has literally saved my life.

Doesn't sound nuts to me. But then I am someone who has been sleeping on my sofa for the last year as I don't like my bed as it reminds me of "him." And I mean a former relationship here that went very bad. Come to think of it, I should treat myself to a new bed at some point.

Melina, I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal at this point in time. As someone who has been alone most of her life, I don't know what it would be like to have someone with me constantly and then gone. Very hard, I imagine. As to forums, I've been on many and often people come and go for no reason at all or reasons we never know about. I can share in my limited experience that I attended a grief group for people in their first year and people further on in the process split off and formed their own group. I've seen some of them and they were smiling and laughing - but not the people in the early grief group. Where I live, there are social functions for those who have lost their SOs so I know people do move on and do find happiness again. One such group is for people past the first year. I only share this as I belief grieving is a process and not a static state, even though at times it may feel like two steps forward five steps back or simply just being stuck. Also, it's hard to gauge what is going on and especially in a bereavement forum where often it takes a LOT of energy to post anything at all. Too, there is always the very real possibility that people heal and just move on and don't post in a bereavement forum when feeling better. Please don't be too tough on yourself and sometimes it's an hour at a time. LD

Panic attacks are scary and I've had them. In fact, in anticipation of my Dad's funeral I just panicked at the thought of both the plane ride there and the funeral. I went to my MD and he was nice and gave me a little something to help. Without that little something I don't know that I would have been able to attend the funeral. I know it's quite common that people take something in these situations. I know lots of people who have scripts for panic attacks. As long as they are only used as necessary and not on a regular basis, people do just fine with them. Other people learn to overcome their attacks via densensitization, but that can require time, money and often a therapist. Obviously, if this is a one time thing you are fearing, I'd opt for a little something to get you through it. Just my opinion and I am not a Dr, but I also know that a little something allowed me to attend my dad's funeral. Caveat though - if there will be several places you have to go that will be first times alone, then I might think about counseling instead.

Well, I don't think you are abnormal at all, but I'd encourage you to hit pillows rather than your keyboard. I felt such inexplicable anger and rage when my dad went into hospice, even though he was old I/we all knew it was coming. I should have punched pillows. Instead I just punched people (not literally) instead. I wouldn't recommend this idea. I still have a few people I can talk to, and maybe some of the ones in my life had to go, but still...I definitely could have coped better. I'd realize that your anger is completely justified and try to find ways to discharge it to cause the least amount of damage. I'd recommend counseling and/or grief groups if you have them in your area. Also, and this is just my opinion, but maybe a trip to your MD could be in order to get some medication to deal with some of what you're feeling. I know grief isn't to be medicated away, but I see nothing wrong with a little something to calm down as long as taken per the prescription. When my dad was dying, I was at the point of coming apart. I asked my Dr for something (I figured it was better than making them land the plane) and he did give me something short term. Often, life just makes no sense and there is so much unfairness. And grief is just one of those emotions that can be very unpredictable and seem irrational at the time. When we come up against something that we have no control over and that hurts us deeply, it is normal to be enraged. I think over time it will lessen and, in the meantime, this is a safe place to vent away and not be judged for it. Again, I am so sorry for your sister's untimely death.

Jay, I am so sorry you lost Mary. And I know you did everything humanly possible. At times we just have to accept that in spite of whatever we do, some things are not fixable. I think that is part of life. We are mere mortals and, for whatever reason, it was Mary's time. I am not a fixer. Well, maybe I am on some level. But I realize there are some things in life just bigger than me that cannot be fixed. I've had a hard time coming to terms with that and it's not easy. I, too, have done the research and prayed and things didn't turn out as I expected, but that's a different topic. I hope you will find some peace soon and remember the happy times you shared more than the sorrow. They say that happens and I hope it's true. Well, I know I have no words of wisdom, but I did want to write. LD

Dear Charlotte, That's a lot of loss to deal with. I am very sorry. Antidepressants can only do so much for grief, but they can't hurt either. I can relate to the not working part. My dad died end of August after a long battle with Alzheimer's. He is the first to go in my family and my mom, fortunately, is taking it well. I have no words of wisdom other than to suggest counseling and some sort of grief support group. You don't mention whether you're married or have children. If you do, at least you have those people to help you along the way. Write here often as I think it does help. Read the posts and know you're not alone. I am sure someone will come along with more thoughts as there are some very eloquent people who post here. A day at a time... LD

Oh, I am so sorry and she was so young. Did she have a history of seizures? It must be horribly difficult for you and your family right now. My thoughts go out to you and yours.

hello123, I imagine the void must be horrible. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and he was so young. Life is short and we just never know...gosh, I am older than your dad was... You had the gift of a very close relationship, which I imagine can be a two edged sword, as they say. I mourn my dad's passing, but I never really knew him. Maybe this makes me lucky? Yet I can't go back and ever "know him" and he is the only dad I will have ever had. I read the posts of those of you whose dad was such a big part of life and I can't relate exactly (as I never had that kind of relationship with my dad and still I loved my dad), but I know it must be incredibly hard to have them gone. Harder than hard. All I can say is that you've found a community that understands, even though our losses may be different in circumstance. Grief is grief and we only each had one dad (not to diminish anyone who also had a stepdad who was just like a biological dad or better - ok, sounds clumsy, but I hope you know what I mean). LD

Well, hello all again. I guess I'm not the only one to go through crazy feelings, although when I re-read this thread I thought...sheesh, why do I let myself get caught up in stupid small stuff (I'm referring to MY stupid stuff)? I guess maybe because it's easier than focusing on the big and painful stuff. Went to the store today and it was all I could do to not break down. Dad's funeral was two months ago today. Of course, I faked a smile for the cashier who commented on my smile, but I was just dying inside. I don't know if anyone can relate - but I just haven't made up my mind whether I want to keep on keeping on or give up. I know the answer is I have to keep on keeping on until my Mom passes on. So I've made an appt to see this psychiatrist on Wed to see if he can help. I need something beyond what I've had. I find the depression to be just debilitating at this point. I do only what is required and no more. I had to leave to get my blood pressure medication so that is why I left the house. I volunteer twice weekly and force myself to get up and take a shower on those days. That's it. Today I just broke down on the phone with my friend of 36 years who does not understand the depression. She did lose her mom five years ago so understands that, but since my dad lived longer my loss is less than hers (in her mind). I can't expect her or anyone else to understand depression beyond the grieving itself, so I don't expect that. I really believe that while we never get over the loss, some of us CAN and DO move on. (It does help if one was mentally healthy before the loss.) I just don't know that I am going to be one of them. Thanks for letting me type this out.

Grace10, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. And I am so happy to hear that you had that feeling of love come over you. I don't know what happens when we die, but I do believe there is more than just death. Take care and you are not alone. There are those of us here who may not always write a lot (sometimes it's just too hard to get the energy), but we are here. LD

I'm afraid to ask this question, but I am sure my dad died alone. I wish I would have been there. Why wasn't anyone there? I live out of state but there were others who had to know who live there. He was given last rites on Thursday and died Saturday morning early. So why is this bothering me all of a sudden? Because I'll never know and I'm too afraid to ask. I just hope he went peacefully, but I'm too afraid to ask. Plus I don't think anyone would know. If I'd had more courage, maybe I would have rethought my final good-bye to him in June. Maybe I would have had the courage to fly up there and be by his side. I am so estranged from my family and didn't want to be around them. If I could do it over, I would have been there. It's like my aunt, maybe. The story goes that she died peacefully. But she was alone and died around 2:30 a.m. Maybe people just say these things to feel better. I don't know. Anyway, grief is just hard today.

I too am sorry for your loss. My dad dealt with Alzheimer's for years. I thought I'd grieved so much all these years that once he passed on it would disappear. It hasn't. Seems like no matter how much we "prepare," we can never really prepare. What we can do is be grateful our loved ones are no longer suffering.