Lostdaughter

I lost my Dad on August 28th. I was offered a job I don't know I can do yesterday, but I have to take it due to financial concerns. My house has been a disaster and I hired someone to rip up all the carpets and put down laminate. I don't know who to trust anymore and have ended several friendships. Anyway, I've got my dining room table in my kitchen and two sofas in my family room. I have an entry way full of furniture and laminate. My dogs have ruined the carpet and the guy who is doing my floors is calling my dogs nasty. No, they're not nasty, just not trained. His helper has bailed and in this week he's only worked six hours and is working on someone else's house tomorrow and Friday. I am thinking of ripping up all the carpet myself and hiring someone else, as if all goes as planned I have to start a new stressful job in 10 days. I can't take a benzo because I have a drug screen this week, even though they have been prescribed by a Dr. I feel like I am losing it. Too much has happened in too short a time and I just don't know. Any suggestions? Thanks.

Aquarius, I can relate, but not exactly for the same reasons. My Dad died but I still have my Mom, but I am estranged from my siblings. I wish I had some words of wisdom, other than this too shall pass and I believe things will get better for you. At least you have your dog! I would start making a plan. Can you plan some goals and then write out the steps you need to get there? That is the only thing I can think of to do right now. I know the feeling of just wanting to run away, but the only way out of grief is through. That's what I am told. So I will stay where I am and just get through it all, somehow. Take care.

Thanks, Niamh. It takes all kinds. I got a call from the woman who gave out my phone number today telling me she couldn't get out of bed. So since I know her and we've been friends for some time, of course I returned the phone call. Turns out she was just tired (not depressed) and is about to go out to dinner. She also told me I could give this other person a call as she's having issues. So...it was just a ploy to get me to make a phone call I don't want to make, it would seem. I told her I'd sent an email to this other woman and told this other woman to feel free to email me and I'll respond, but that I don't feel like talking on the phone now. Yikes. I am going to defend my boundaries right now. Truth be told, it's been 11 months I've been depressed day after day (which just got worse when Dad went into hospice) and it's only been since a couple days ago I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. I can't explain it. Perhaps it's because I truly believe my Dad is in a better place (I know one isn't supposed to say that but he was certainly not in a good place for the last few years of his life - or more than this), I've passed yet another old Birthday, and I'm realizing that life is short and I cannot waste time and energy anymore. I know you miss your Dad terribly and I am hoping that things are getting slightly better for you. I know our circumstances were very different, but I truly hope you find some peace and soon. Hang in there my dear. I believe we CAN get through this. BTW, a friend gave me a book called "Life After Loss," by Bob Deits. I am finding it to really ring true and it is helping me to feel better. Here is the link...they have it used if you like. http://www.amazon.co...85633683&sr=1-1 Take care dear and thanks. Kathryn

Thanks Lindakay. Phone calls are invasive and they can suck up a lot of time and be draining. I agree with you completely on everything except changing my phone number. If I got through last year's similar situation without doing so, I sure can this time around. Last year I met another woman and she had a lot of problems. She called me 40!!! (yes, that is forty) times in a row over three weeks and would not stop, in spite of the fact I sent her emails telling her to and that I'd be happy to communicate via email. It got to the point I called the police but did not make an issue of it. She FINALLY stopped and this was after 40 calls and another woman telling her she was driving me crazy. So I am quite sensitive to this these days. Life is complicated enough with bearing everyone's burdens and time is too precious to be on their needy list. Isn't this the truth!

I go to this support group for depression and a woman there gave my phone number to a woman I'd never even met, telling her to call me and that we have a lot in common. We really don't. Anyway, the woman I had never met called me on Thursday. She told me her life is h*ll and that she is having crying spells (she deals with bipolar). I did speak with her for over an hour that day. However, she called me again on Friday, Saturday and today (Sunday). I have not returned her calls. She has had the same job for 14 years and is just having a tough time. My feeling is that it was really not ok for this other woman (with whom I have been friends) to give her my number without notifying me or even asking me if it was ok (although my number is listed on the group list, which I am thinking of removing. I am ok with anyone emailing me and I will respond, but phone calls can be draining). It hasn't even been a month since Dad died and I am finally feeling like life might go on and I have many of my own problems (unemployed, no income, high insurance premiums, etc). Anyway, I feel like I have nothing to give and I'm really not happy that this stranger keeps calling. What should I do? I just want to be left alone right now yet I know she could use some support but I don't even know her yet I don't want her feelings hurt. Thanks for any responses.

I joined this forum because my Dad passed on Aug 28th. However, I am seeing I am not only grieving this loss, but also the loss of someone else I cannot seem to get out of my head or heart, even though it makes no sense for him to still be there. Isn't there a way to heal and move on without someone else taking his place? It'll be one year since I've seen him in six weeks and since April since we last exchanged emails (and they were not good) yet I just slept for a bit and he was in my dream. And that's not good, because today is my birthday (which I've chosen to spend alone) and I don't appreciate him invading my subconscious on my birthday! In the dream, he just walked up to me and handed me some things (returned things) and I couldn't even really keep my eyes open or see him clearly. Anyway, I trusted him (over and over) amidst a sea of red flags. I initially got involved with him in 2006 as he did homeless outreach for a living. I thought anyone who would do that job MUST be of good character. Boy, I don't think I was right about that. Anyway, there was a lot of on and off but I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. However, I now think he had a secret life that I'll never really know about. And I feel at this age (51) that I am never going to get over the pain he inflicted on me and ever be able to trust anyone again. Well, I just wanted to write this and get it out.

Kayc, I am going to challenge your thinking on your first sentence. Since you haven't spoken with him, you really don't know how he's feeling or just what you did mean to him. It may well be you meant the world to him but, as you state above yourself, he avoids conflicts at all costs. I think you nailed it there. Unfortunately, you were the cost. People can be married for years and not really know the person they married. I won't say it happens all the time, but it sure does happen. Since he has demonstrated his true character through his actions, you now know that he wasn't who you thought. Yes, I do know the pain of realizing that, as I've gone through it myself. It hurts. And anger is ok. It can be energizing so take the time to be angry and then do your best to put his hurtful actions behind you. BTW, so glad your dog pulled through.

Niamh, I want to thank you for posting this thread. I am a believer in reincarnation and actually comforted by it. It's the only thing that has ever made sense to me in this crazy world. I like what Chai wrote and do agree with her take on things. I believe that our loved ones are on the "other side" so to speak and that they we will be with them again, in one way or the other. LD

Today is my 51st birthday and all I can say is worst birthday ever. Three weeks ago this Wed was my Dad's funeral. I had a chance to go to dinner with someone tonight but just want to be alone today - yet I don't. But there is no one I really want to be with either. I'm feeling extremely anxious and depressed today and scared to go to sleep tonight, as I ran out of sleeping pills and medication. I admit, I went through the pills too fast as I've just wanted to sleep and escape. I just don't know what to do with myself today. I just want this day over.

Ron B's ideas are good. I've felt so angry myself and I have lashed out at people. Not good, but I don't usually do this unless provoked. Anyway, there will be people who will try to minimize your loss. That happened to me with two very good friends. Well, one friendship almost ended over it and the other one did. I wouldn't recommend my way of dealing with things. I think it best just to cut things off as Ron suggests and distance yourself from those who try to minimize what you are feeling. I am sorry your lost your Dad.

afain1, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. It is very tough, I know. My dad died a couple of weeks ago after a long battle with Alzheimers and,like you, I wasn't prepared although I thought I was. I thought I'd done so much grieving in advance but I guess there is still more to deal with as I still am. As to your dad, I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that to get caught in drinking and grieving just makes things worse. The only thing I can think of to do would be to talk to him and express your concern over his drinking (did he drink before?) and explain that drinking just delays the grief process and it's not a good way to deal with things. There are resources out there that can help him with his problem. Best wishes, LD

Hi Ron B. My name is Kathy. It's 3 a.m. where I am and I am not sleeping so thought I'd write back. I can relate to your multiple losses. Thinking back, there was my dog's death in 2008 (which was devastating for me), then a job which I never should have taken immediately following my dog dying that only lasted six months, then some health issues I had to deal with, then the exiting of this guy from my life, then my Dad. And I notice you live in the SF Bay Area (I left there seven years ago which was a huge mistake) and my life has just gone downhill since. You mention the time-out but I've already had a LONG timeout and haven't had a real job for quite some time. So I don't feel like I can afford the luxury of a time-out. Still, I may not have a choice in the matter if things continue on as is. I did go to a grief group today which helped, so I don't know why I can't sleep tonight. I did manage to sleep for a couple of hours earlier. I do have a prescription for sleeping pills but just don't feel like going out at 3 a.m. to get it filled. Tomorrow. Anyway, I live for sleep as it's the only escape that is healthy for me and so on this note (and after a Benadryl), I am going to try to get some. Thanks for writing.

With this I mean to say, I have been going through a depressive period for a very long time independent of my Dad's situation. I ended a relationship with someone I wanted to marry last November and really plunged down after that whole thing. In April I was finally starting to do a bit better then got the word that Dad was going into Hospice. Well, then I really went downhill. Dad passed on August 28th and I just don't know what to think anymore. I can't tell what is depression and what is grief here. All I know is that I am not functional and can't even look for a job now, even though I need to be doing this. The therapist I've been seeing was helpful during the hospice process (I spent many an hour just in tears over my Dad), but I went to see him yesterday and he just told me I have to do the work to get out of the depression. I started a new medication that will take quite some time to get up to therapeutic levels. So I am stuck in limbo. If I could just sleep around the clock that would be my choice. There is so much wrong in my life I can't even describe it here. But I have to get a grip and soon. I see the Dr (psychiatrist) today and will see what he says, but I'd really appreciate any thoughts. Thanks.

Emptyinside, I think I can relate to what you're feeling. When my Dad went into Hospice I sort of "lost it" with a few people. In fact, I ended three friendships more or less. But I also lashed out at times in my grief and know I made mistakes. Having done so with more than a handful of people, the ones who were true friends came back and understood to be there for me. The other ones can go by the wayside. I guess my feeling at this point is that anyone who isn't respectful of what I need to do, take my time to get over things, etc is someone that can move on. Of course, I don't want to lose all my friendships but I will tell you - things were very stormy at times and this was prior to my Dad dying. Now that he's gone, I hope to retain better control of my emotions and do the right thing at all times. But I figure no one gives us a handbook on dealing with grief and we are only human. LD

Thanks, niamh. I am so sorry you are still hurting so much after nine months. I think "they" say it takes around a year to recover, although I don't know if that's true. I know some never recover. This may sound crazy, but I spend time reading stories on the Internet about people in far worse off spots. I think I do this in an effort to diminish my pain but I don't know that it works all that well. I am so happy my Mom is doing so well and I hope this continues to be the case. She has four children who put her as a very high priority and I think that helps. She also says God is giving her strength. Well, my furbabies put me as a priority but it's not quite the same. I thought I would be able to function this week but it hasn't happened. I thought I'd be relieved almost that his long battle is over, but now I'm just left with this sadness that maybe I didn't do this right or that right and somehow it was my fault that I wasn't close to him. I thought before he wasn't close to anyone, but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe people just say things like that at funerals, but when my nephew read the grandkids' experiences he could barely keep it together. So why didn't my Dad like me more or reach out to me at all? He called me once in my life and maybe showed me he loved me twice. Well, this is just where I am at today. I know even friends can't understand this, nor maybe anyone reading this, but I feel so alone and really cannot talk about it with anyone. I have a new friend here who just moved here who wants to do this, that or the other, but my house has gotten so bad that I can't even have her over. She doesn't know of the depression I have always dealt with nor does she get what Hospice will or can do to a person. While I am glad it made Dad's passing easier, it was torture for me. It was so hard to "wait" and have that six months or less label put on the situation. And I just agonized over the passing of time wondering when, hoping it would be an easy passing, out of touch, unimportant in the process. I will take your advice and make me a priority now. My Mom is ok so at least I don't have to worry about that. Thanks for writing.

Thanks Robert, Yes, Alzheimer's is truly an awful thing that just slowly destroys the person and the family. I spoke with my Mom this a.m. and she is doing so well. She lives at the same assisted living facility and went to a women's breakfast. She is grateful it's over and relieved. I am just confused and not functional. Of course, I don't share this with her. I keep up appearances and say I am fine. But I haven't been fine for a very long time. While I am tired of this life and don't feel like being in it anymore, I am grateful I did not end up in the hospital with a stroke or something yesterday. Yet all I would really like to do is to sleep. Our society expects us to be "over it" fairly quickly and I think maybe even more so in a situation like my Dad's where he was sick for so long. Still, I am now left to wonder regarding my experience with my Dad and the rest of the family's. And I have to find a way to answer the questions in my head and heart that will never be answered.

My Dad fought the long and awful battle of Alzheimer's for many years. The last few years of his life he lived in a lockdown ward. He never would have wanted to end up like that, but he did. He died August 28th two days after his 95th birthday. Sure, some will say he was old and lucky to live that long, but I must tell you his life was not good in those final years. I did see him in June and said my good-bye (I live out of state) and will never forget the smile on his face. Sure, he didn't know who I was, but he smiled. I wished I would have gazed more intently at that smile. Sad thing is, unlike many of you, I was never really close to him. The time he was nicest to me was in 2004 when I took care of him for 10 days when he was psychotic and did not even know who I was. That hurts. The funeral was last week. Thoughts were shared. I wondered...did these people know the same man I did? I felt cheated and like I missed out on so much and it's too late. My Mom is doing much better with his passing than I am. I just have this feeling that I don't want to be in this life anymore. Granted, I deal with clinical depression and did before he went into Hospice, but it's gone to a new low level since last week. Today I had to go to the ER as my blood pressure was so high. I live in fear of having a stroke as I live alone and have no significant other in my life. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and like this was the final straw. I've been not taking care of myself at all and haven't eaten anything today and it's 8:30 p.m. I'm hungry but I just don't want to eat. I don't have a job and don't think I'm even capable of looking for work at this point. The depression has just become overwhelming. How much of this is grief? How much of this is just the fact I can't bear to think of losing my Mom next? Then I'll be truly all alone in this world. I have no children and just feel like I've seen enough of this world. Yet I would never end things with Mom still alive. Anyway, a friend did visit today which helped and she took me to the hospital. They didn't do much and now I'll have that big bill to think about. Thanks for letting me get this out.