KJO

Hello Lostdaughter, I found you. Yes, things are a mess whether I can accept them or not. I totally get it when you discussed your friendship. I wouldn't say that my conduct with my friends has been easy for them as well. I don't think I lashed out, but have been less tactful in my expressions lately. However, at times I would love to talk to them, or somebody. But being as it is almost 4:30 am here, I doubt that they would be in the mood. Obviously, I am not sleeping too well now either. There are times when I feel like I want to reach out, then there are times when I am rather taciturn, pensive, and withdrawn into myself. Then I do not want to see anyone, which can conflict with those who want to see me. All the resources here require insurance that I currently do not have. I am still looking, however. Thank you for your support, and stay in touch please.

Thank you Niamh. A big bear hug for you too, girl. I am trying. You seem to be covering the same exact bases that I am just starting to run. I no longer know if my mind is strong, or if it is weak. I feel like I have been caught in between consciousness and dream scape. I 'function' day by day and it all seems to run together until I check the calendar. As I write more about it, more emotions and thoughts surface, and it is painful at times, but then the numbness returns. I almost feel as if I am 'doing it wrong' at times when it comes down to dealing with it. However, reading these do help. I must thank you for your response. It is most helpful when there is input, such as yours, to light my way. Also, I appreciate your thoughtfulness and genuine warmth in your posts. I don't know where you get your energy to post so thoughtfully the way you do. It is very sweet of you to do so. You have my thanks.

Hello Ron, I really appreciate your response. You are a very thoughtful, intelligent, and so organised in your response. How do you manage? I still get the 'jolts' of pain in between the numbness. That, and I find it hard to focus. I recall the day after my mother died, I had a job interview that didn't go well. Of course, I had to go because I had no real choice at the time. I wish I could have had it before she died. They probably thought I was on drugs when I arrived. I am still sifting through all of this, but still struggle. It is releasing to know that there are those who know. I thank you for your kindness and input for me. I do appreciate it. Thank you.

For me, it is a mix and match of thoughts and feelings when I write about them. It is easier for me to write of them, then talk about it. Weird, huh? Congratulations on your job, by the way. I am still unemployed. I was laid off last year when my clinic went bankrupt, and because of my degree I've been deemed 'overqualified' to work all the other jobs. I only wish my Mom knew that I was alright when she passed. It is good to discuss these things with those who really know what it is like. How helpful it is, I imagine, depends on the level of the grief and how much time has elapsed from it.

Hello Kim, It is indeed a trying time for you, as well as it is for all of us here. My Mom died a little over a month ago, and I am now just getting hit with all the myriad of different emotions to it. I am so sorry you couldn't effectively communicate with your Mom during her final days with you. As intuitive as she was, rest assured Kim, she knew of your love for her. Your Mom sounds to me that she was a remarkable woman. I feel the same pride and absolute love in you when you write of her that I have for my Mom. My mother was also a strong, vibrant, and independent woman who also was intuitive of her impending illness. She would say it is because she is Scottish. In my conversations with her before her illness, I sensed that she knew of something finite when I would discuss future events. She started to give things away to friends, and even to my now ex-girlfriend that she wouldn't have before. Her death also came upon us all fast. We were given the estimate 3-4 months, yet she died in just over a month after her diagnosis with cancer. It is hard to wrap my mind around it still. It was such a shock to all of us. It was wonderful to read what your Mom did with all the framed pictures. That was a tangible thing for your step-dad to have to still be spiritually connected with her. Whatever you have now, I am sure, would be just as tangible. Those are important. I have my Mom's watch that I gave her for mother's day on a chain next to the cross she gave to me when I went to Europe. This is not an event to 'let go' of her. Nobody would. You don't have to because a part of her still lives on within you. That didn't 'die' with her, as you say. However, as hard as it may sound, it must be accepted. My Mom's death left a vast hole in my life, as I am sure it has for you. I just don't know how to deal with it at this point, but I suppose time will tell in measure. It is also 'normal' to feel bad that she won't be there for the major events in your life. Who is to say that she will not anyway? I am hopeful that My Mom will be there when on my wedding day, or when my children would be born. It is a process. Take Care, and God Bless.

Hello Kansas, I just lost my Mom a month ago. She was 78 when she passed. Her birthday was not too long ago. It doesn't matter how old they get, they are no less of who they were to you, than they were back when you were a kid. She's Mom! One of the first responses I get from people is, "..well, she had a long life." That is such crap! It still doesn't make it hurt less. The hole is still there. Also those reminders, and the rifts in the family makes it so much harder. I'm sorry. I am sorry that you are going through that as well. It hurts to no end! I am feeling it too, believe me! Write to me if you want to talk about it further.

Niamh, I hear you there SO WELL! My idea of what it is all about is that our friends do not know what to say to help. The thing is, they don't have to. If they could just listen, then it would be a big help. I felt like I was adrift for dealing with my Mom's death alone. My sisters were dealing with their own grief processes to be helpful, and it feels like you are down in a well somewhere trying to shout out so that you can be heard. However, I got to thinking, unless it happened to them, what could they tell me? If only they knew. That is all one can say about anyone else. Well, I can talk to you about it if you want to discuss it. You are not alone girl!

You are indeed not alone in this process girl. I thought the same way when I first posted my bit. As I read more and more, I see that we all are going through similar waves and waves of emotions.

Hello all. I was just given the green light and am now able to post this. I am new to this, and I am not very good about writing these sort of things, especially about myself. I lost my Mom over a month ago, and has added to an already heavy load to my depression(breakup, layoff, unemployed for a year, lost home, soon to have to give pets away, and soon have to move somewhere else.) I miss her, and wish that I could have had more time to be with her. I still wake up right before the time she is to have her breakfast and take her pills. When I do, then I remember that I do not have to now. Since her death, a rift has formed between my siblings, and I feel that I am caught in the middle of different camps. That is no help either. I either sleep too long, or not enough. I am having a difficult time articulating thoughts and emotions and talk about them. I try to be upbeat, but can't maintain it. The thing is, I feel so incredibly numb and apathetic to everything in life now to the point of not caring how the days go anymore. My friends do not know how, or what to do, to deal with me right now. They all say "call me if ever you need anything," or, "You know I am there for you man." The fact is, they have been avoiding the subject whenever they talk to me, or avoid talking to me altogether. Others say "We all gotta die someday." I feel like kicking so much ass after wards because that is like telling me to shut it after asking me in the first place. It doesn't matter how old she gets, she is no less your mother than she was when you were little. I just started to actively look for work again this morning, and feel like I worked a full day's shift. I am in my mother's house now, and will soon have to leave it again. Couple weeks ago, I caught her scent as I descended the stairs. It feels like I am compressed into a whole myriad of emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, and now a perpetual numbness. My friend suggested I take his " I don't give a crap medicine." The fact of the matter is, I need to give a crap and do something. I looked at the calendar today and realised that I spent almost a whole month in my room! This is wrong. I need to know how to break this cycle in the event that one of the employees actually hire me. I have no insurance, and need to know where to start looking. Any ideas?

Hello. I believe it may very well be that your Mom was letting you know,in a not so stalwartly fashion, that she is alright. You will be too. A couple weeks ago, while descending the stairs at my mother's house, I caught her scent very strongly. It is hard to interpolate. However, it should be considered a blessed message. Yes. You are not crazy. :-)