Cajie_Laurie

Happy Anniversary Perkins808!

Thanks for responding and understanding!! How I explained it to my son is, I would like the same consideration given to me that he gives his wife and kids. As Tommy would put it, Common Courtesy!! Like say, maybe I'd like something at the store, too... How about asking me if I need anything if you are going to the store??!!!?? Lainey, what I think is funny (OK not so funny) is people on the street give me more respect than my own son does. And when I call him on it, he gives me not just an excuse, but a lame one at that. Redwind, I do agree with you about lack of power/control. Here I went from being in my own home where I made the rules (with Tommy of course) to living in someone else home where I gotta live by their rules. I get that. I really do. I have so many steps to go through to be in my own place again. When Tommy passed on, I hated being alone. Now, I bask in it. I don't acre as much if I talk to an adult any more. Especially, my adult child because as he said, all I do is complain. And maybe I do. But as I told him if he used the brain God gave him and thought a moment about someone other than himself, I wouldn't be complaining.

This is what I've encountered. Friend: How are you? Me: I'm fine. If I say more, they look at me with this blank stare. Or Friend: How are things going for you? I start to tell them and they cut me off. SAt first, it bothered me. Then I quit talking to this friend. It wasn't worth the hassle to figure them out, I felt.

Little things annoy me. Like not getting my clothes back when they are washed. Or by having my sock over stuffed with others socks so that it's stretched. Like I said before, I live with my son, his wife and their 6 kids... well the older 5 are hers from a previous marriage and I get a distinct feeling the 14 yr old doesn't like me/doesn't want me here. I talked to mom and dad many times about the clothes situation and instead of finding my clothes, more get lost. They keep saying they'll talk to the one who is in charge of clothes, but that isn't done either. I don't have many clothes here with me nor do I have loads of money to get a whole new wardrobe. And what's crazy insane is mom acts like I shouldn't be so upset!! And that right there just pisses me off to no end. (Sorry about wording) The last load I washed, dried myself, but then I got sick with Bronchitis, which I'm still fighting. Mom told me that I should wash my clothes myself... Gee lets see... going down the stairs is a chore in itself, but sure... I'll wash my own clothes. (I have to because all my other non dirty clothes ARE MISSING!!) Other things have happened and I get the feeling they are telling me I should be grateful for them letting me stay there. (Which I am) But, if mom doesn't talk to her kid, I will... and no one will be happy then.

Tell her exactly what you told us... "I KNOW how awful my situation is and how miserable I am. But I don't need it rubbed in. If anything I need hope that things will get better. I do think she's trying to be sympathetic, but it's misguided sympathy. And I'd rather have empathy than sympathy." If that doesn't work, find reasons to not be around her. I know that's hard because she's your friend and right now, you do need your friends around you. Maybe your friend just doesn't know how to deal with the situation of being a friend who lost a loved one? Get her a book on how to be that friend? I did look online for an answer and found this video... http://www.ehow.com/...o-has-lost.html I hope it helps.

Tommy was both Irish and Scottish... Scottish on his mom's side. Wouldn't it a kick if you guys connected? I do genealogy and did his back to the 1700's on his dad's side. (Don't know if I said that already LOL) At first, it was hard to listen to the music, but I couldn't give up his CD's. What's funny is, songs I didn't like are the ones I play the most (Like the Irish Rebellion songs) Or the Irish bathmat and the "Only Irish park here" sign... I kept all that (and more) and when I do move into my own place it will all have a place of honor somewhere... either a whole room or part of one, depending on how big a place I can get. But, you're telling her those things now, right? I know how important it is to you that you said it all before hand. Cuz I feel the same way. Even though in my beliefs I know he can hear and see me, I wanted to make sure he heard me. LOL... Things I started to say, I stopped thinking I'd tell him when he got better and was more lucid. When he was fully awake and off the vent, he thought it was 2008 and he didn't remember his father had died. He also didn't remember his mom or sister being there... (They left shortly before they took him off the vent Sunday) but, he remembered me! That made me feel good. I know what you mean about friends acting different and not calling back. One of mine told me that if I needed to talk, call... I answered back... Or you can call me.... she never did and I never called her, either. I'm watching"The Bay" a webisode starring Mary Beth Evans, who Tommy adores, for him. (She played on Days of Our Lives... that's another story in itself LOL) When the Casey Anthony trial starts, I'm going to watch it in its entirety. Tommy kept up to date on that because it happened so close to home. I got angry at him one day and screamed, "You were supposed to be watching it with me!!" Yes, I smoke... The day he passed on, I got some patches to help me quit, so that when he came home he wouldn't smell smoke on me. Hell, I would have quit cold turkey for him. I still have the patches, unused... I'm not ready to quit. The stress is too high for me... OK so, that's just an excuse. I know it. I am cutting back from 2 packs to one a day. I wish I had more to do with Tommy's funeral and all. I was just there... His family took care of the arrangements. Even the Obit... Which ran in the Charlotte newspaper... The man lived in Tampa, FL!!! I was titled "The loving companion of many years"... NO, I was his FIANCEE!!! I never told them this though. They were dealing with their own grief. I was ... functioning, coping. But, ya know... in the end, I know Tommy will be laid to rest where he wants to be. Near his dad. And that's what matters. I know who I was to Tommy. I listen to the song. It's one of my faves too. Along with this one... (((Hugs))) Laurie

Thank You Kavish, (I think) At first, I was on auto pilot cleaning out and selling the house and car , getting ready for my move to NC and once I moved in July, I kept it all in. (Until I found you guys, of course) I don't have insurance, so I can't go see a counselor here where I live. And that was one of the 2st things I wanted/needed to do. My son and his wife were keeping me busy and while I appreciate being busy, I needed time to myself, to sort things out. Like you guys said, sometimes you just wanted to be left alone. Well, with 9 people in the house (6 who are the grand kids) that's hard. Especially when one of them is 3 and doesn't understand why "Grandma Laurie" won't let her in her bedroom. I gotta find that place with Tommy again. Oh, I have to tell you guys this. I hate rain storms and in Tampa, it rained all the time (hurricanes and all) and right after Tommy died, it seemed every night we had a bad thundershower come through. It was so bad, I thought the thunder and lightening was right over the house. I was scared!! And then the lamp shade from the lamp that was to my right, moved. I was spooked at first. But then I started talking to Tommy about selling the trailer and it moved again! "Did you love me Tommy?" It did NOT move! "DO you love me Tommy?" I asked. And it moved like crazy. It never moved before or since then. I had to leave a lot of stuff behind. That killed me. Decisions had to be made on the spot. I acted like it was OK even though it wasn't because Pat was taking the time to move me and I already felt like I was being a burden to him. Although, he was worried I would regret my decision. Another time, I was throwing stuff away and came across his jewelry boy, which he held him momentos, like his dad's Well Fargo star he wore on his uniform. That was a keeper, no question to it. But, I was going to throw a shiny piece of silver out until something... or someone (Tommy) told me to turn it over. Embossed in gold was his initials (his dad's initials too) and I'm going to secure it on the corner of my new desk. Well, it's 3 AM.... I fell asleep at 6 PM, so I got some sleep. I normally get up at 5-5:30 even though I don't have to. So I'm a couple hours early...LOL Good night (or good morning all, Laurie

I wish the same. May we all get a good nights slumber so we can face our day tomorrow with a better outlook on things.

Hi... Actually, my name is Laurie. A lot of my friends call me Cajie (Cajun). I answer to either. Also, not long after we got together 9 years ago, Tommy changed the lyrics to a song called The Boston Rose to The Cajun Rose. He and I met in an Irish Chat Room on AOL. Not only did he consider himself to be a True Gentleman, he was one. He asked me if he could IM me, instead of just IMing me right away. That right there made me agree and then he helped me get rid of a someone flirting with me by coming back with a female name and getting rid of the guy for me. Then he helped me move from Va to Fla at a moments notice. (My Ex had just remarried and I had no one to help me out of a bad relationship) He came to visit me every weekend at my friends home, until he asked me to come live in Tampa with him (My friend lived 2 hours from Tampa) Our friendship grew and soon we were engaged, but due to circumstances beyond our control, we were never wed. That is a regret I have. Now, I see we could have married. Tommy was everything my Ex wasn't. He was good to me and had an undying love for me as I did him. In my eyes, we WERE married and no lack of paper was gonna say we weren't. Tommy and I came together through Genealogy (I did his for his dad's 70th birthday present) and continued our friendship once we found out we both had Epilepsy. He graciously accepted my 2 boys to come live with us even though he had no children of his own (They were both 18) But most important, he was my best friend. After my boys left home, it was just he and I alone and we could each be at our own computer doing our own thing, not saying a word. But, he was there. Now, I wish we had talked more... about whatever. Anything!! His father died of a heart attack, complicated with Sepsis and Tommy feared he'd die of one too. And he did... complicated with pneumonia and sepsis. He was to go see the doctor Thursday 10th of June. He had the heart attack June 7th... on his dad's birthday. Many can say they are in Heaven watching Norte Dame games together, sipping their ale and raising cane and while that gives me some solace, I miss him. He was only 52. He smoked heavily and with his smoker's cough, I didn't know he had Pneumonia OR Sepsis. Not until he was on a vent in ICU. (Even in the ER I didn't know because they would only talk to the family and being only his Fiancee I wasn't considered family.) He lived a week, dieing June 14th. I had to leave to go see the doctor about get my Epilepsy meds refilled and I get the call 30 minutes after I arrived home that he had passed away. I was alone. The nurse was blunt, to the point and when I couldn't react, she asked if I was alone. I said yes, hung up, then called his family, who was notified before I was (They lived out of state) That's when I cried. His brother in law set it up that I could go see him before they took him to be cremated (His sister has the ashes and will bury him, eventually, next to his father where he belongs) While I did get to tell him I loved him before he left me, I wish we had talked. They took the vent out Sunday and Monday they did a swallow test on him just hours before he expired. For that I am grateful. But, it wasn't enough. I promised I'd be there the next morning. He was supposed to live!! After all, he was getting better. They took him off the monitors. Off the IVs... They were looking to transport him upstairs and eventually into a rehab facility. Well, Tommy did make sure of one thing, I will always remember his father's birthday!! (He always loved getting the last word in LOL) And that, is my Tommy.. my love , my best friend. Laurie PS Here is the You Tube Of The Boston Rose

KJO, your post was so informative and thought provoking and most of all helpful. The one phrase that I heard the most (and started to grate on my nerves) was "I'm sorry for your loss" All I wanted to do was talk about Tommy. I wasn't looking for sympathy and they didn't "get it". I know my friends where being caring as many (even my online friends) knew Tommy.... So Ron, My heart goes out to you. And to everyone on this board. ((((HUGS TO ALL))))

I've lost people in my life before. My mom in 88, my brother in 90, a good friend in 94 and my dad in 97. Each time I had a sense of loss, but I got over it quicker than I am with Tommy. I feel like I did the day I got the call from the hospital. I gotta get out of this funk. I want to... but at the same time, I want to remember him daily. To talk to him. Listen to his music (I had trouble doing that at first, but am able to listen to some of it, namely the Irish Music) We would go to the Irish Pub on weekends and the band would play rowdy Irish Music and he was the one singing the loudest, pounding the table the hardest and stomping his foot the hardest. Before I sold my home and moved in with my son and his family, I would feel him with me. Now, nothing. And that scares me. I still talk to him daily, but I get no answers from him like before. In life, he and I talked everything through with one another. Now, reality is setting in that I have to make those decisions myself. SCARY!! What do I keep, throw away, give to charity or sell. I already talked to his family and except for his golf clubs. they don't want anything. Which to me, is sad because he kept EVERY THING. He still had his graduation stuff along with other stuff and he was 52 when he went on to be with his da. (Irish for dad)

Melina, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your children's father. I too, lost my best friend and fiancee this last June and like you, I do the 'What ifs' as I lie in bed at night. And then I get angry at myself and then at my Fiancee for leaving me. I should have listened to my gut that something was wrong. But, I nor you can read minds of others. We tend to trust the doctors that they know what they are doing. I should have made the doctors take tests months before when he started losing weight or just had them put him in the hospital as they warned they'd do if he didn't gain it back. Nights are the worst. Daytime, at least I have my grand kids to keep be busy and sane. It seems everyone I come in contact with won't or doesn't want me to talk about Tommy. And that's what I wanna do the most. Talk. I have questions and no answers. (Since I was only his fiancee, I was kept in the dark... even about his after care if he had made it, except that I'd be the one to take care of him. I am so happy I found this site. So many of you are feeling exactly the way I do... the ups and downs, the tears. not wanting to do anything, not being able to express my emotions in a way that others understand, wanting to be left alone, but at the same time, not wanting to be alone. And I have guilt. That's where the woulda, coulda, shoulda's come in to play. When I look back, I could go years and see signs that some thing was wrong. I should have made the doctors (General practitioner, neurologist, cardiologist) listen. What if I had taken him for a stress test? What if I had been more keen in medical knowledge to see that his mental state was changing? It was so gradual and the neurologist blamed it on the Epilepsy medication. And I wanted to believe the doctors. They were in the process of weaning him off them, but it was too late. So, while I don't have any answers for you (I wish I did) I know how you feel. (((Hugs))))