beakerj

Hey Carol Ann, I love motorbikes...my husband would grieve terribly if he had to let his go. I'm so sorry that this is where things are at. Really awful, especially because of all the memories involved. I'm confident you'll make it through this, but it's hateful you have to feel so sad again. But it's the right decision if you're really not healthy enough, your instincts for caring for others & yourself are totally right. But I know I'm preaching to the converted here. Does the bike actually have to go? You can't keep it as a momento? I wish this had not had to happen for you, & that you find a kind friend with a sidecar. Big hugs, Becka XXX

Hi, it's me again. It's now 8 weeks since my Mum died, & I have been doing better in lots of ways. I'm eating again, & have driven a bit & stuff...my meds have definitely kicked in & are making me feel more 'normal'. I do have a significant history of anxiety, pre my Mum's death, I would describe myself as a recovering sufferer of 'panic disorder with avoidance', that is: avoids going places/getting into situations in which I might have a panic attack but can't get out etc.But was well enough to be working,15 hours a week as a Youth Worker & getting on with normal life etc. My anxiety levels have obviously been hugely high since my Mum died, especially since my faith (Christian) took a massive & unexpected hit through all this, with a lot of fears about God not really being good & so on. At the moment I'm having all sorts of weird thoughts popping into my head, & all sorts of stupid anxieties on my mind - a good example of this is worrying I'm pregnant (which I don't want to be) despite using protection properly (aaargh, TMI, so sorry), & it being a good few weeks before I could take a test. It seems like anything with a risk, i.e. husband drives off to work, dog makes weird coughing noise, brother takes plane to Australia, makes my nervous system react totally out of proportion & I have to work really hard to divert myself. I just feel like a loon, it seems like that any subject that comes up, something in my brain has to push it & probe it to see where there's something to be anxious about. I know I still feel sensitised to the ordinary world, sad & bad things just leap out at me, & I can't watch or read the things I usually would. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? It's hard enough dealing with other things without my forever getting my knickers in a twist over every possible risk... Thanks for listening again! I'm finding it very very useful just to know you are all out there somewhere. Big love Becka XXX

Yay! I'm so delighted for you. Well done you for your courage & perseverence. Big Hugs Becka XXX

Hey guys, I guess we're all in this together...lost my Mum on the 14th Nov this year - 7 weeks ago now, after spending every day with her in the hospice for 3 weeks. I hate Sundays too.I ended up having a breakdown, am on meds & I shake a lot. I just really really empathise with you all. I can't bear to see my Mum's stuff yet, well, not much of it, who knows when I will...Me & my brothers are all reacting really differently, but, unlike their friends, mine aren't forgetting what's happened. I have amazing friends, thank God. Everything feels weird & wrong...blah blah blah. I'm so tired of it all too. Just wanted you to know there's more of us who understand. Big hugs from the UK. Becka XXXXX

Thanks Carol Ann...so encouraging. I will be thinking of you. Becka XXX

Thanks for replying guys - it really means a lot to me that people who really know what I mean take the time to reply & share their thoughts & love. @Carol Anne: I'm so glad these feelings have passes for you. It seems like insult to injury that as well as dealing with the loss of someone we adored, we also get all this grief weirdness to contend with. I had the chance for a long conversation with a good friend of mine who is a Clinical Psychologist in his day job. He told me that everything I'd listed for him (that I wrote here) was common & predictable, & a normal part of my mind etc trying to make sense of my new situation. The fact that my Mum isn't there is such a huge thing to me that the pain & shock has cast a shadow over all of my reality, which I now have to process.He also said he'd never seen anyone get stuck at this stage, & he deals with a lot of serious trauma. So that was reassuring. I also realised I'd feel a lot more dislocated if anything had changed in reality around me, except at the relationship level,...it's more that I recognise it, but feel so different that makes me feel weird. Does that make sense? I'm trying to take care of myself, & am at least eating semi-normally now...thanks for the reminder. @SHeissI read your reply, & your post about it being a month today. I know we all suffer differently, but I think we're experiencing very similar things. A lot of mine started before my Mum died, & so I've been on medication etc for a while & it has helped.It also helps to find someone/somewhere that you can tell how you are really feeling. I've stopped telling my husband stuff, mostly, for now, as he has found having me so unwell really hard, & he has to live with me. But I so feel for you. I miss my Mum so much, but at least am crying now, this morning I heard one of the songs that was played at her funeral on the radio & just wailed. Hang in there, & go & get some help. Big love & hugs to both of you XXX

Hi Everyone, I wanted to ask about a specific feeling that I've had since my Mum died (along with lots of others), but I wanted to single it out & ask about it. I feel so dislocated from my normal reality, I sometimes wonder if I really spent the previous 42 years, before she died, on this planet. I kind of feel like everything is too bright, too loud, I cringe when I hear or read about anything hard happening in the world anywhere (things I normally wouldn't like, obviously, but wouldn't react hugely to), I can't read the kinds of books I normally read (Detective novels etc), watch TV & movies unless it's really stupid stuff.The world seems so big. It's like all hard & difficult things seem unbearable. I know that nothing has actually changed except for my perspective, but that's not how it feels. I normally work in quite a stressful environment, with teenagers with 'issues' etc, & that me just seems a world away. Any wisdom? Thanks, Becka

Dear Sweetpea, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved Mum 9 days after you lost yours. I'm still in that daze, & wondering how everyone copes too....I've found a lot of help here. I find crying helpful, as it's genuine & real & fitting in the circumstances. I'm also finding the one day at a time (or as a friend of mine here in England says, one cup of tea at a time)approach really helpful, consciously applying that. Can you find people to help? Are there local bereavement counsellors? Have you read any books etc - there's a book list on here ... All I wanted to say really was that you're not alone, & that finding a way through will be a group effort. Hugs, Becka XXX

It was very strange reading this as I could have written this word for word myself. Everyone here will have better advice than I do, I just wanted to say that you're certainly not the only person to feel this way in grief. I'm holding on to the fact that 'grief-brain' is real & it doesn't see things right, & that my friends still love me, & see ME still. Wishing you better days. Becka XXX

Hey Carol Ann. So sorry to hear you feel so bad right now. I've seen you do so much for others on here & wish there was some way that your burdens could just vanish. Are there strategies you've used before that might be helpful now? Things you haven't needed to use for a while...or is there someone you could call that would just let you spill it all out? Yelling from a mountain sounds quite good, though it's really hard to find anywhere secluded enough to really yell. The inside of a moving car is the best I can find. Just know that you are being thought about, with real sympathy. Warmest wishes & hugs, Becka XXX P.S. If this has posted as 2 separate things it's because technology sometimes wins over my intention.

Hey Christine, just stumbled across your post today....I too have lost many animals over my life, in lots of different ways & it hurts so badly. I can think of them now without overwhelming pain, but at the time it hurt so badly. In the end it comes down to: if we let them carry on in that state are we prolonging their life, or their death? It seems clear in your case that carrying on would have just been prolonging the dying process. We are priviledged to be able to spare them suffering. This is what you did & makes you a loving pet owner. So sorry for your loss. XXX

Thanks Niamh, it is comforting to come here. I'm not having a good day today, feel like my grim thoughts will never end, & life never go to something worth living. Hope your day is better! XXX

Hi again Niamh, huge thanks for your reply - I appreciate your honesty & not giving out platitudes , it's so weird to be questioning & scared about something that has underpinned my life for so long...I wish neither of us had these things to go through & we both had the 'proper' answer. I just feel really encouraged by you sharing with me & being so accepting. I'm very fortunate to have a lot of very caring people around me, but talking to those who 'know' right now, is so helpful. Big hugs to you too. Becka

Hey Niamh, did you ever get your head sorted out about your faith? Did anything help?

Niamh, I find this hugely encouraging & helpful. Everything you've said resonates with me. This is all my mushy brain can manage for now, but thank you so much. I thelps to know I'm not as 'unique' as I feel in this way. Love & hugs back, Becka

Thank you Carol Ann, I'm really really encouraged by your reply. Will keep coming back. I'm so pleased you have come through. XXX

Thankyou for this....do you all know of anyone who's been through similar with the weird thinking, & come through it? I'm so shocked at this, although I understand I'm not in my 'right' mind right now. I just feel it's never going to stop, which is a horrible feeling.

Hi, my name is Becka. After nearly 2 years of fighting lung cancer my Mum went into a Hospice 5 weeks ago, & died 2 weeks ago today. I've never had a close bereavement before & was very close to my Mum. A few days before she went into the Hospice I suddenly stopped sleeping & then eating, out of nowhere, & have only made it through the last weeks with medication & drinking milk/milkshake/build up drinks etc. Basically I've had a breakdown & am not functioning, i.e. not working/driving/being on my own. My dogs are staying with friends. I've been diagnosed with depression & my Doctor has just changed my medication, so I'm in transition time. The other aspect to this is that I've been having a lot of frightening thoughts about God (normally I'm a practisisng Christian), I feel everything's been shaken up & mixed up & I can't make sense of anything normal, everything looks terrifying. Everything difficult & hard in the world makes me flinch & cringe. I have had problems with anxiety for most of my adult life, but wasn't expecting my reaction to be this severe, & certainly not the weird thoughts. The counsellor at the Hospice said this was all normal stuff for bereavement, but I'm not convinced. I just feel like the world's weakest person (my siblings are sad , but functional)& like this will never end. Anyone have any wisdom or experience of this? Thanks