beakerj

Oh, ow. People say the weirdest stuff. It made me cringe to read what you guys have been asked about relationships & sex. I have learnt so much in the last few months about what to say/what not to say to those suffering grief & loss, & how to say things. People have said things to me like 'I hope you cope' & 'I hope it's not too much for you', which starts me thinking in those terms, of not managing, rather than saying 'take it gently', or 'baby steps' which would indicate something positive. Such a reminder to think carefully about what we say to those who are suffering. Hoping for better! Becka

Hey Robert, I'm so sorry you lost such a fantastic grandmother, she's totally adorable in that photo. Dementia of any kind sucks. Sending you big hugs. Becka

Hey Everyone, I've just been quietly chugging along, trying to feel better & get on with things. It's just over 4 months since Mum died, & I finally made it back into work (working with adolescents with issues), on reduced activities for a couple of weeks, which means no client contact yet, & not much driving. I felt very anxious & like I wanted to burst into tears all the time, but I did it. I'm exhausted now. I'm assuming this is progress! Just wanted to let you guys know. And look for a bit of encouragement, not sure why, but I still feel like I need it. Hope everyone's hanging in there. Cheers, Becka

Dear SLB, Oh you poor thing, I am gutted for you. So ridiculously hard to lose your a member of your animal family, it almost puts me off having pets. I still have them... But, & here's the but - you did EXACTLY the right thing to spare your beloved any more suffering. You waited to see if it looked likely that she would pick up sufficiently, & when it became clear that wasn't going to happen you did the loving & best thing. You did what was best for her, irrespective of your feelings - which is true love. She trusted you & you came through for her. She was lucky to have you as her Mum, & you have her whole lifetime of mutual adoration to cherish. With huge sympathy for your loss, Becka ( & Darcey who was snuggled next to me for most of this typing) XXXXX

Dear MBM, I am so so sorry for the loss of your Mum - mine had been gone about 3 months now. Lots of people here will have much better advice to give than me, but I just wanted to say what everyone who reads your post will be thinking - you did NOT lie to your Mum. (Unless you deliberately wanted to mislead her & were never going to show up the next day, which is not at all what you were doing.) When you told her that you fully meant it - what happened was that circumstances conspired to mean you weren't able to do what you wanted to. That comment turned out to be sadly unfulfillable, through no fault of your own. So please give up on that one - the facts don't support your feelings here, though I know how easy it is for that to happen...lots of people feel guilt over things over things they wish had gone differently if only they'd 'known'. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss, keep coming back here as people will listen thoughtfully. Becka XXX

Hey Shelley, I wouldn't be surprised if your family was in some kind of shock...what you told them was BIG, & I'm sure it left them reeling. They may even wonder if you'd want to see them, feeling guilty about not guessing, or writing you off as moody rather than traumatised. I'd be appalled to find out something like this from a member of my family - it'd rewrite the world for me. Can you maybe ask the sibling you're closest to how they're coping? Maybe they need to meet up without you to thrash out this whole new understanding of things, before they would feel they could face you? Just ideas...this has probably been a very tough week for them all, & they may just not be thinking stright yet. Just hang in there as this untangles itself. Big hug Becka XXXX

Hey Everyone, I just realised that I never replied to say thankyou to everyone for replying...which is unlike me. I really appreciate the time & effort put in. What I appreciate the most is that no-one here has ever (yet)acted like any of the wierd stuff I post is anything extraordinary or to be worried about. I say stuff here I pretty much clam up about elsewhere. I want to feel normal again, but it's only 3 months for me, so I suppose I can't expect too much too soon. I just massively appreciate everyone's help. Big Love, Becka XXX

Shelley, that's so brilliant! What an amazing range of things this meeting has led to getting sorted. I'm so happy for you. Big grin, Becka XXX

Hey Shelley, I am totally welling up with tears of happiness & relief that things went so well. A thousand well dones to you! I am delighted that your family had such a great reponse to what you told them. Such a massive milestone to have reached. You probably need lots of rest now, so look after yourself especially well. BIG HUGS Becka

Hey Shelley, I was just thinking about you & how close things were getting. Of course you're emotional & scared, who wouldn't be? But you're also brave & determined, & right in what you're going to do. Will be thinking of you. Big hugs Becka XXXX

Happy Birthdays Marty & Shelley, hope my timing is still ok as am on UK time. Love to both of you. Becka XXX

Hey Carol Anne, Although I didn't like the bit where you were feeling rubbish (boo hiss) it's really encouraging to see you coming up quicker...just makes me feel more hopeful that one day I can do this too. Hoping for bright days for all of us. Hugs Becka

What beautiful dogs in all of these pictures....such amazing companions...one of mine is lying next to me as I watch a TV show called 'Extraordinary Dogs'. First dog sniffed out cancer in his owner & saved her life.

Hi Shelley, thanks for the reassurance. I hope the sites Marty pointed out are some real help to you...I will be thinking of you with your meeting with your family soon. Hang in there. XXXX Becka

Hey Shelley,let us know you're still there ok? I have been reading your posts & really feeling for you...I have massive respect for your courage & determination. Hang in there. Much love XXXX Becka

Hi guys, haven't written for a while, but have got to the point of needing to share stuff with others & to ask my constant question 'is this normal?', actually, 'am I normal?'. I wrote before that one of the things my Mother's death has caused in me is big spiritual questions & doubts. I've been a Christian for a long time & wasn't expecting this. A lot of my questions are about whether God could really be good, & how can we ever be sure. All sorts of scary thoughts come to mind, & I get freaked out because I'm too small to be able to...I don't know what I'm too small for, I'm just too small. I do have a history with anxiety/agoraphobia & this is all making it really hard for me to be outside & do stuff like normal....& I'm not an indoor person, at all. I look around when outside, at nature etc & think that I'm in the hands of a huge God, or huge chance (if there is no God), & I get very very anxious as I can't prove to myself that I'm safe in the hands of whatever. I'm doing all the 'right' things, reading my Bible, some books on God's love, taking my medication etc etc, but just feel so vulnerable & stressed out all the time. I look around & everyone else is just getting on with life, it feels like the inside of their brains are just so different to mine, & mine has gotten itself into some horrible corner it will never come out of. I want to feel normal about the world again. What is going on with me? I wrote Chicken Licken in the title because it reminds me of the children's story where he believes the sky is falling in, but no-one else does...that's me right now. I am so fed up with this. Becka

Oh Carol Anne, I know exactly what you mean. I couldn't even read this whole story as I just couldn't take it. Why didn't the worker tasked to do this ring someone to tell them what was happening? Just hideous. Unbelievable. Hoping for better, Becka XXX

Oh Mark - I'm so sorry. I too love my dogs & dread the day they go.I've lost animals before too, & it is horrendous. This is such a beautiful story of you & Bicky finding each other...you made me cry, smile & kiss the dog next to me. I'm not surprised you're heart broken, & it's such a horrible horrible feeling. Is there someone you can go & talk to as well as writing...I love the writing by the way, I hope it's helping & that there'll be more soon. With love, Becka XXX

Hi AlmostErin, You're going to find that there's a quite a few of us on here at the moment who lost our Mums to cancer around about the same time - mine was Nov 2010...So you're absolutely not alone. If you read back through posts you'll see that everyone is attempting to deal with this horrendous pain, in very different ways, all of which seem to be totally normal. Not that any of us feel remotely normal. I completely got your sentiment of not wanting to be the girl who cries in libraries...I've done so many things since I first realised Mum was really dying that I totally cringe over, feel like I've become someone I don't recognise & loathe... College is a probably a good thing, as long as someone there knows what's going on with you.It's too big a thing to hide & there's probably someone there who can give you some support. If your work is affected remember it's the grief doing that, not you. These are just my thoughts though, & there are lots of people on here whose advice is much much more tried & tested. I'm really sorry this has happened for you & your family too. Big hug Becka XXX

Hey SHeiss, That death thing? I know EXACTLY what you mean. I never saw stuff or thought that way before at all. Just wanted you to know it's not just you. Big hug, Becka

Here's that link http://www.cesarsway.com/cesarstips/problembehaviors/Dealing-with-Grief

Oh MazziesMom, I'm so sorry.........I can't find the words for it. I'm sitting here with one of my Patterdale terriers (my girl, Darcey) curled up into me, & when she had cancer a few years ago I was terrified I'd lose her. But, even though it didn't come to that, I come from a family that has had a lot of animals & our rule has always been that if our animals (fully paid up members of our family) were sick, then we did what they needed, not what we wanted. Which is EXACTLY what you did. Sparing them unnecessary pain is a sign of love, & you did the right thing. What else could you have done? You've obviously been the best Mum they could ever want or have - Mazzie & Cody have been very very lucky. As for grieving animals - they do grieve, but not in exactly the same way we do. I remember reading something on Caesar Milan's website about this I think - I'm sure you could google it. It's basically about letting animals get through their grief, without us making them feel worse by how we (inadvertently) treat them. It might be helpful to read & help you feel less worried for Cody. How I wish our dogs (I have no kids either), lived as long as we do & we could all go together... Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you both, my heart really goes out to you. Lots of love from Becka, Darcey & Linus XXX

Hey Roa, Are you British? There's a really good organisation for younger people/teenagers in the UK called Winston's Wish, website is www.winstonswish.org.uk. They're a fantastic help in finding people to talk to & there's loads of helpful stuff to do on their site that you can do on your own. You'll be able to see that there are lots of people your age dealing with similar things, which is sad, but makes you feel less alone. You'll also be able to see that lots & lots of people care about how you're feeling right now, as well as the people that come on this site. I can say that with confidence as normally I work with teenagers, I'm off work right now because my Mum died recently. I'm really sorry that your Grandad died & that your Mum's drinking is causing you so many problems. Soooo hard. Good for you that you found this site - I've found it really helpful. Keep on posting here & keep on writing, it helps express all the horrible stuff you're feeling. Grief is a really hard thing, & talking about it is a good thing. Hang in there honey. Big virtual hugs, Becka XXX

Dear Carol Ann, I'm so sorry for all the pain you're suffering. Some people (Manager, people at pool) need to learn when something they say is unkind & unnecessary, no matter what their personal opinion is. In my Organisation that comment would be reportable. Just keep on going & listen to Steve, I'm hoping you'll find something else reachable & healthy that helps you feel free. Love & hugs Becka XXX

Hey Eren, I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum. I think it's way too soon to be making big decisions about her stuff yet.I lost my Mum in Nov & my brothers have dealt with her stuff because I just couldn't, I couldn't even look at it, but my feelings are starting to change now, & want some of her things around. Don't give yourself a hard time about this, it's such a personal thing. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing - try moving one thing & seeing how it feels, you can put it back again. Or not, if it feels ok...one teeny step at a time. And it's not really anyone's business but yours - some people have to get things sorted immediately, some don't. Who's to judge? Just hang in there, this is one of those things that will sort out over time. Look after yourself. Becka XXX