Princesspeanut

merangel08, I know exactly how you feel. I was the party girl too and now I feel like a burden to those around me because I am just a shell. In my head all the time are all these thoughts about my Dad and what happened and my feelings. When the crying everyday stopped for me I thought "i should still be crying" but I hurt just as much, but differently. A more depressed hurt then this fresh wound. I took a week and a half off work after my father passed and I havent taken a day since. I feel like people look at me and think Im normal but I feel anything but normal.

Wow I totally agree. I feel like you are inside my head speaking about my feelings. Wow, since I lost my Dad I hate myself more and more. I dont like the person that I have become, yet everytime I try to change it I get thrown back to my old feelings and habits by my grief. I loved going out and partying, loved it. Now everytime I go out with friends all I want to do it be at home, on the couch. It does not help that I gained at least 15lbs in the last 2 months, my skin is terrible and I look like I have aged 10 years. So now the hatred of my outsides begin. I have no motivation to go to the gym. And the worst part about it is that I feel like I deserve to feel this way or that I shouldn't get better. Im so lost in my rollercoaster of emotions. I keep going on and off bad habits. I will start smoking and then quit and start and quit. The same cycle happens with drinking, anti-depressants and cutting. I have some good weeks and then its back into the same old habits. Or Im trading one bad habit for another. I don't know if ill ever feel like myself again and that scares me.