Penny1

Thanks Shell Sorry yesterday I was having a moment..... Somedays as you know it just gets too overwhelming.... yesterday was one of those days... Thanks so much for your support.... everyone on here are so supportive and willing to give so much of themselves to help other people even when they have experienced tragedy in their own lives.... Wow is all I can say! It is amazing.... Thanks you so much....for listening. Penny

Hi Babs Wow just reading your story is incredible.... I know what you are going thru... I lost my mom in Dec 2005... She was murdered... by my father....Long story.....wont get into it here... this is for you and it is your moment to to be heard...... I just wanted to let you know that your Mom must have been wonderful for in the end she had all of you and your family there for her....Your story is truly inspirational.... I can relate to your hubby not understanding what an emotional ride you are on... I honestly believe that most guys want to "fix it for you" and when they realize this is something they cannot fix, they just avoid the situation. It really bothers my hubby when he sees me crying and he asks what is wrong but it is so weird that we expect that they should know... I think deep down they do but they deal with situations so differently that they are just lost for words and don't know how to fix it..... If only they could realize that is going to take a long time.... it is quite simple to us, just a hug, hold us and tell us everything will be ok.... Keep in mind it seems so simple to us that we just need some emotional support but to them it is easier to not talk about it. I was so consumed with anger, rage, you name it....yet now I find all days are different than in the beginning... It will get easier for you... trust me on that, but you will have bad days too where you are consumed with grief. My hubby told me that I just need to put my mom in a special spot in my mind and heart, where I can grieve her when I need to yet start to move forward in my life.... He told me he wasn't asking me to forget her or quit cherishing her but he found it very difficult to watch it tear my life apart.... He was right.... Be strong when you can, be sad when you need to be.... everything happens as it should... Hopefully this site will help both of us... and to all the many wonderful caring people who manage to give us words of encouragement and wisdom...... Thank you..... Penny

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, Life will go on no matter what happens.... some days I am consumed with trying to prove his guilt. I have spent hours on the net researching anti-freeze poisoning because the police department here has never dealt with this kind of murder before. It was after I realized that the pathologist gave them a specific time frame of when they thought she ingested it that I started doing my research. A gazillion emails to reporters who have investigated this type of murder, forensic pathologists that have testified in previous court cases and still I am no further ahead. I went through gruelling hours of interviews with the RCMP and lie detector tests as they felt she ingested it on the day I took her into emerg. She was feeling so sick and learnt from my father that she had been sick for 2 weeks prior to me taking her in.... I spent the majority of a week in interview rooms with question after question and finally realized to my horror that they considered me a suspect..... I went to the RCMP the night she died and told them that I felt she was poisoned.... It is so insane.... They took my statement that night and yet it took them from Dec 3 to Feb 16th for them to call me and inform me that it was lethal doses of anti-freeze...why so long.... I guess one of the hardest things I am trying to deal with is how much pain she went through. I can remember her complaining of her back pain which she said was bothering her. It was from her kidneys shutting down.... just before she died, she was having seizures... I had to climb up on her bed and hold her down so that she didn't rip out all of the iv s attached to her.... the nurse told me she was dying and to just talk to her and tell her it was ok to go.....I could see how much she was in pain and it was the hardest thing I have ever done was telling her it was ok to die.... Oh my god this is so hard.....

Thanks Steve for your advice I have gone through so much counselling and I do know that things should get better as time passes. I just can't imagine what normal is anymore. All of the things you listed I have experienced over and over again. I finally took some time off work as I was losing days and conversations, I found I couldn't remember what I did the previous day or who I talked to. It was bad.... and I was told I needed to take some time or have a nervouse breakdown. Of course the choice was easy and I took some time. I spent many hours talking to my mom and really looking deep within myself only to come to the realization that some of it I have to let go of. #1 is the guilt....easier said than done. I guess the hardest thing that I am experiencing is will justice prevail? Will my father be held accountable for what he has done? I can deal with being alone and not having family to lean on.... I can deal with the guilt... I am not so sure I can deal with the fact that he may never be charged. That is the biggest obstacle I am finding extremely hard to accept. Her life has to have meant more... and I will never understand why? Why her? Why not divorce? Was her life really so worthless to him??? I have read many posts here and I am very thankful to find a place to talk... Thanks for your support Steve

So very sorry to hear about your grandmother... I have recently lost my Mom and would like to pass some advice on to you that may or hopefully will help... a little something I have learnt in counselling.... At the time of your Grandmothers death, you made a decision to go on your trip... keep in mind, that had you known that she would pass away, your decision would have been to not go.... You made the choice and did the best you could at the time... if you could go back in time you and I both know you wouldn't have left.... Let go of the guilt... it is not yours to carry you did the best you could and your grandmother knows that.... Best of wishes to you.... be patient and let go of the guilt and focus on the wonderful times you did have with her.... Penny1

Hi everyone, my Mom was murdered on Dec 3/05. She was poisoned by my father....so not only did I lose my Mom, I lost my father as well... As one could imagine, I am not dealing with reality very well. I have and still am going through counselling on a weekly basis but the pain, rage, and guilt is still very much a part of my daily life.... there have been no arrests by the police... they tell me it is one thing to know he killed her but another thing to prove it..... he fed her fatal doses of anti-freeze... she died a very painful death.... I have been a huge part of the police investigation, yet they are still won't give me much information on where they are with it....I just get told to remain patient.... They have brought in the major crime investigators from two near by cities but I have this huge fear that it will become a cold case file... My one and only sister, who has been my fathers pet won't believe that he murdered her. She thinks my mom drank it herself.... it is so crazy and needless to say... I havent seen my sister since mom's burial.... She went through all of my moms belongings and took what she wanted and gave the rest away. The only possesion of my moms that I have is a teddy bear of hers.... Mr Bear (I call him that) has been my savior... I talk to him all the time.... Am I going crazy talking to a stuffed bear?? Hopefully by joining this forum, someone can give me some words of wisdom to help me through this crazy messed up world I call life.....