Penny1

Kathy, It is progress for you to realize that going to you mom's house with cause you grief.... My suggestion for you is to go and be part of it, it will be painful and hurt but it should help with closure.... You have to realize that your brother & Mom don't miss him any less. They grieve in the only way they know how.... We are all different some of us more emotional some of us stonger... Please don't give up you chance to go through your dad's belongings, cry if you have to....it is natural and it expresses the deep love you had with you dad. You don't need to put on a front.... just be who you are and express what you are feeling to you family.... Please don't make a decision you will regret....

Hi Mandy You are right, I do havethat "luxury"of getting to talk to my dad about the situation. When I saw him the other day the rage I experienced I cannot express.... I saw my grief counsellor yesterday and told her about seeing him.... she said that being able to control my actions and not acting on my emotions was a huge step towards healing.... she believes as well that there was a reason I had to experience seeing him.... whether it is to prepare me for the long journey ahead or not, I don't know... I wish I could give you some answers as to why your dad did what he did with no explanation....I am so sorry that you have to go through the rest of your life questioning his motives..... I do believe my father did it for money....selfishness, but still it doesn't make it any easier to understand.... I do understand your pain and hopefully just you and I being able to talk to one another will make it easier on us to cope.... I keep telling myself when I really lose it and anger starts to take over, that giving in to my anger is giving my power away over the situation....I am essentially letting him win... I hate my dad too, with a passion like no other... It is ok for you to feel hatred towards your dad... you are human and no one would expect you to feel any different... Your Mom on the other hand, she is watching and she must be very proud of you and your acheivements.... WOW is all I can say, you have endured so much yet you carry on, you have shown courage and strength to move forward in your life... I will always cherish the time I had with my mom...she was so wonderful and giving and I know one day we will meet again.... The people on this site are wonderful... they will listen when you need to vent... so will I. Keep posting.....

Hi Mandy Sorry to hear that you had to deal with the same a horrific situation as mine.....You were so young to have to go through that and I can't imagine dealing with that at your age.... Hearing your story, really makes me question how differently I would deal with this had my father committed suicide.... If I were in your position, I am not sure I could actually deal with not being able to voice my anger towards him for what he took away..... Although I don't consider myself to be fortunate to have my father still alive, but death would be too easy for him.... I am counting the days when I will have the opportunity to face him through jail cell bars and express my anger towards him in person.... I wish you could have that opportunity too, but maybe it is a blessing that you don't.... it is all too twisted to comprehend... To me, I feel that when the day comes to see him convicted, that will be the closure that I have been so badly seeking.... Not to sure what will happen in the future there is the chance that he may walk away a free man.... that is a bridge I will have to cross when the time comes.... As you said, you want to know why, me too. I have learnt in all the counselling I have gone through, I nor you will ever understand why.... we are not killers, therefore we can't comprehend what it is within them that made it so easy to take anothers life.. I am truly hoping this will get easier as time goes on... I have the one shirt I packed for my mom when I took her to the hospital... I sealed it in a bag and take it out and smell her... maybe I am wacko... I don't know but I do know I will never let go of that shirt...her teddy...her glasses (items I got from the hospital). So I do know your pain in not having anything of your mom's. Maybe I needed to hear from you to realize that there are others worse off than me.... wish I could say it wasn't you for I know how deeply painful this can be and my thoughts will be with you as well as my prayers....

Maylissa I did stay at work all day yesterday. It took me a while to get it together but the two girls I work with on Sat were very understanding. My mom wasn't terminally ill... that is the story my father & sister obviously gave to the RCMP to justify how the anti-freeze got in her system... they are trying to convince them I guess that she was so depressed about her health that she drank it.... It is so mental....and twisted... it is getting to the point that it really doesn't suprise me that they would say it.... You are probably right in saying that maybe seeing my father was me needing to start dispelling some of that rage. As you said it happens so fast and is so very frightening.... I truly understand you questioning "why me" as far as what you had to go through. Don't think of yourself as being "wimpy" you are only human and what you have had to endure, is no less traumatic than any other.... I think it is because we love so deeply, and give so easily that the pain affects the way it does.... You may not feel so lucky as you put it but I want you to know that I feel truly blessed and am very lucky to have met you..... Your family may have not taken the time to realize the gift you are as a human...it is truly a great loss to them.... No price can be put on that... keep up the posts... Hugs to you!!

Yesterday was such a horrible day.... Yesterday, I saw my father twice. I haven't seen him for since I was told mom was poisoned. On my way to work, in my usual routine, I stopped for coffee at tim hortons. As I came driving around the building, there he was.... it was hard to miss his red truck with 2 kayaks on top. He was in a group of people (all of his kayaking buddies) I never really realized the depth of my anger until that moment... I contimplated running him over...ramming into his truck.... oh my god the rage within me was so out of control... the millions of thoughts went through my mind in a matter of seconds.... I drove by (he didn't see me) and then thought of how I should turn around and stop and tell all of his friends what he did, ask them if they knew he was a murderer. They don't know.... they should know... they just know his wife died. The RCMP brought to light through one of my interviews with them that my mother was terminally ill. This is what he is telling people, and he is getting away with it. And then to see him laughing carrying on in his little pathetic life with obviously no regards to what he did to my mother....the rage is overwhelming. I cried all the way to work, thought maybe I should just hit a telephone pole, make it all go away....my months of relentless counselling flew right out the window... the pain of it so fresh it was just like losing her all over again.... Work was terrible, couldn't quit crying.... finally managed to get through the day and on my way home, there he was again.... I drove right by him on the road to my house.... is it fate that I should see him 2 times in one day? He lives in another town, I live out in the country so why is he on my road? Is God testing me, preparing me for when I have to face him in a court room? Is this karma? If so what have I done? My thoughts and emotions are reeling... I just don't get it... maybe its time I need to face facts that I never will understand.... M. You are so right in all your wisdom.... acceptance will be both of our biggest challenges.... I feel for you, I wish you and I could figure it all out and be able to truly be at peace with what life has dealt us.... I know the first step we must both take is to realize that we have no control over our situations... it is all in the way we deal with the reality that counts.. giving into the anger is giving away our power... we must go on for we have no choice in the matter... life has dealt us this path and we must stumble down it over and over again... I know our lives will shift again somewhere in the future, it always does.... just keep stumbling and realize that we will fall down on that path, it is the strength and courage within us that will pick us back up when we fall and help us to continue on.... Fate has brought both of us here...God has put you in my path for a reason and maybe it is for you to pick me up when I fall (or vise versa) Thank you, I cannot express how grateful I am your support....

Thanks Maylisa for your support I understand what you said about letting them off the hook and accepting who they are.... For me it so hard to comprehend how I was raised in my family, and yet knowing within my self I could never be like my father or my sister for that matter.... How is it that you have siblings raised together with the same set of parents and turn out so completely different? I do have huge anger feelings towards my sister.... she doesn't believe that my father murdered mom....even when the RCMP to her that mom had lethal doses of anti-freeze in her system and that is what killed her. They told her that that due to the time frame the pathologist gave them of when she ingested the lethal does that it was either me or my dad that were main suspects... she sat back and let me go through the hours of questioning, the hours of the polygraph, and yet still stood by his side...even after she knew I passed the test and was cleared..... She went through all of mom's stuff and kept what she wanted and gave the rest away..... I have nothing of my mom's, not that I would have wanted alot just a few mementos would have been nice... something for my kids for them to remember their grandma..... It is just too hard to accept... I know I have to but easier said than done... As you put it, I can't condone what either of them did.... I wish I could understand and it would make this so much easier....

I agree with Charlie, and Derek My Aunt passed away a few years ago and she knew she had cancer. She told no one.... I was so upset with her and angry because I never got to say goodbye... she was very close to myself and my siblings and we spent so many special vacations with her. She was admitted into the hospital late in the evening, and died before noon the next day.... no one had a chance to say good bye... no one had the chance to help her face the next journey in her existence...no one was given the opportunity to love her and hold her hand.... Please tell them.... they will be upset but they will also be there for you... you should never feel as though this is something that you should have to face alone.... Please listen, I recently lost my mom, and there are so many things I never got to say.... and so many different choices I would have made had I known... Don't allow your children to feel quilt because they didn't get to spend enough time with you.... their grief of losing you will be big enough.... Let them hold you, cry with you and be a part of your journey..... You won't regret it I promise.... my prayers will be for you... and your family

Hi Derek I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.... Have you thought about maybe asking someone to pick up Carson on days that you need a break? I know all to well what you are going through and know that you need to let others help you out with this... Just take some time for yourself... because as you experienced last night times are going to get rough when that wave of emotion hits you.... the best thing I have found, is to just take some time for yourself and allow yourself to grieve.... It is so hard to feel the pain....and I hope that you do have someone in your life that does understand....and will help you out with Carson. My hubby explained to me something that I would like to share with you... He said I (me) just needed to find a specail spot to put all my grief and pain that would allow me to experience it.... yet be able to go on.... I know that feeling of just wanting it all to end... He said he wasn't asking me to forget my mom, but for him to see how it was destroying me was very difficult for him.... maybe that is why your friends don't appear as they understand you and your emotions... maybe it is just hard for them to see or even imagine what you are going through.... I hope you are having a better day today and my heart goes out to you and Carson...

Well..... For anyone who has been listening to me babble..... I saw the RCMP on monday. They again did not give me a lot of info but this time I was able to see the supervising investigator... He was very compassionate and did put my mind at ease.... He promised me that they were doing everything within their power and would not give up on this case... I was told that my father refuses to co-operate with them in any way.... guilty is all I can say... The raw emotions that I have experienced are so much in my face every day that goes by. Yesterday I went looking for books,books,books but haven't found any so far to help ease my anger towards my father. The counsellor I am seeing has been encouraging me to find forgiveness towards him.... can't do it.... maybe one day when he is in jail but not until then.... she tells me to try to look into his past and imagine what pain he went through to become the person he is today.... she wants me to forgive him but not to forgive what he has done.... oh my god that is one journey I am so not ready for.... just too much anger.... I wish I could just go and erase my memory it is all too much to bear... Thanks for listening

Hey Girls I think we all become masters of deception when it comes time to answer the never ending "How are you doing?" question... I work with the public and so many of our clients know me so well.... they can tell when I am having an "off" day.... I just make a point of smiling and tell them that life is great I am just a little tired today... and then change the subject... shubom, you aren't being fake, you are just being genuine and thoughtful that you would rather put on that mask than bother anyone with your grief... I know it all too well so don't be hard on yourself... Hugs

Thanks Pandora for your support.... I too am sorry to hear that you like me are having to deal with simular circumstances... Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.... From the little detail you gave regarding your circumstance, I think I know what you are dealing with.... In my life, my mom was always the glue that kept our family together... she was the the keeper of the scales...always seemed to balance everyone out when family chaos occured..... I guess you could say about my mom, she always put everyone first, never complained or showed her pain, the silence she lived in for so many years never being able to be heard by my father.... he was the selfish one.... And of course as you know from my posts, she paid dearly for loving my father... Like you said, the waiting is excrutiating, and once again I am losing grip on life.... Today was so bad... can't explain it, just one of those waves of grief washing over me.... missing her so much... I can relate to your problems with your teeth, I do the same, grinding and clenching.... all of the sudden my mouth starts hurting and I realize I am clenching my teeth... Weight loss, oh ya went through that, still have times where I can't eat... today is one of those days....stop the world I wanna get off.... Thanks for being so understanding, lets hope for both of us, that justice does prevail.... I am so very thankful that I found this site.... everyone is so very supportive....and hopefully you can find some comfort or peace in your life... My heart goes out to you for what you have to face in the near future... You may msg me too!! Thank you so much for your words of kindness...thanks for brightening my day.... Hugs to you

Hi Lori On June 3rd, it will be 6 months since my mom's death... I know exactly how you feel.... I just went through her birthday last month and then her wedding aniversary was this month.... it is so weird that she would have been married for 44 yrs to a man that obviously didn't care.... Thoughts of her daily run through my mind... I talk to her daily, some times are easier than others... at least now the tears have subsided too... Reflecting back it is so amazing how profoundly our mothers affect our lives...their wisdom, their love, their strength, their morals they have instilled in us and so much more.... I have learnt more so now that she is gone that there are so many ideals that she taught me that I use daily in my life...she is still and always will be a huge part of who I am as a person.... I am sure that you must notice a lot of the same in your life.... I wish for you courage and peace within yourself.... take care

Hi I am glad to hear you had a good weekend.... It ended up that I didn't get to see the rcmp but was promised that the lead investigator will meet with my on next Monday... Last week, they told me they didn't have anything to tell me other than they we actively persuing the case.... not really sure what that means other than that I should have faith that they aren't willing to let it go... It is such a huge fear of mine that it will end up being a cold case file.... Anyways I left a message with one of the investigators and pleaded with him that I really needed to have some questioned answered.... there are so many... I received a message that yes they would meet with me on Monday for sure... There is hope... I think I spent my day yesterday selling popcorn to raise money for the BC Children's hospital... we do a huge fundraising campaign for them every year... it was a great distraction for me.... Well hope all is well with you and Carson.... Take care

Yep sure have had days like that.... I walked past someone in a store and a woman was wearing my mom's fav. perfume, it was terrible, I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and I just had to vacate the store.... cried all the way home... Wish she was here.... she will never get to see her grandchildren get married, no great grandchildren.... Something as simple as seeing her favourite flower sends me spirally out of control... You aren't alone... wish I could change that for you...

Hi Maylissa Do you ever just ask yourself if there is such thing as karma....what the heck did I do for this messed up life we have?? I keep telling myself "whatever doesn't kill ya can only make you stronger" My brothers wife tells me that god will only put in our lives what we can deal with.... I'm not dealing very well.... but my brother is so very lucky to have her support..... I am so sorry to hear about what you are having to deal with.... I have read your other posts and feel for ya... I know that no matter what happens, my father will die being a very lonely old man... I guess I should believe that his is coming to him... and ya I wish I could punch him in the face too.... He couldn't even bother to attend Mom's burial that I had to arrange.... Life just went on for him and his little girlfriend that lives in his neighborhood.... I feel so enraged that all of my mother's neighbors and friends think she died of natural causes... I would like to go and spray graffiti all over the house and his pick up truck with the words murderer on them..... But the reality is that I will not stoop to his level... The police tell me to take comfort that it is not sitting well with him that they think he did it...What is he scared of going to jail?? No kidding he knows they know that he is guilty,that is why he refuses a lie detector test.. the same for my sister she won't take it either... and they both hired lawyers right away..... Hired lawyers with blood money! So I will not stop persuing them on this one.... They can spend their entire life savings on lawyers and hopefully more before I will give up.... I lost my mother, my friend, and part of me and I will go to my grave trying to prove that justice will prevail... I hear ya when you say it is difficult for you as you live elsewhere... It must be hard on you for I know what it feels like when you have to sit back and do nothing.... it makes me crazy... Thanks for your support, I will be thinking of you and wish you luck with whatever you decide to do with your situation...

Thanks Shell & Sunstreet My mission for today, is to drive to the town where my mom lived and talk to the investigators.... Hopefully they will at least give me some comfort that her file is not just pushed aside... It is so weird that on an emotional level I can feel so strong and yet so weak... I try to let go of the drama (as the counsellor advised) but how do you do that? Premeditated murder.... can't get much more dramatic than that.... Shell, I will look up Greta on fox see how far that may get me... as I said I have emailed a ton of people and have gotten only one reply.... but maybe my story is too wacko to seem real and that is why I haven't recieved any replies... Don't know just guessing.... Anyways say a prayer for me.... and once again thank you for all of your support....

Hi Derek Ya I know what you mean about getting thrown for a loop.... I have found that the moments come fewer and farther apart as time goes by... Since Mom died, there are days when I look at her Mr. Bear and just lose it... I only have a few things of moms (one being the bear), I have her travel case that she had with her in the hospital that contained her belongings.... I put her glasses on and imagine what it was like for her to look at the world through them.... that one always hits me with a huge wave of tears but it gets easier each time I do it... I know you must have lots of reminders and you will have times that are so much worse than others but trust in the fact that it will become easier.... The grief counsellor that I have been seeing gave me the advice to not get caught in the drama... easier said than done in my case...but I am trying... Today I am going to contact the RCMP I have so many questions I need answered... today will definitely be a loop day for me.... Take care, hope you day is not too rough on you....

Derek Wow that was a fast reply.... how are doing tonight? I was glad to hear that you do find some comfort in work...at least it is a distraction... I know how it is... I had such a difficult time when I went back to work as everyone was told that my mom passed away but no one was told that she had been murdered.... it took awhile but finally became brave enough to tell my co-workers... of course they were shocked (who isn't) but they have become a great support network..... Anyways read lots.... it gives comfort when you do realize that all the craziness and anxiety you have are just normal.... Give Carson lots of hugs.... he is your gift from god.... but I guess you already knew that.......

Derek Yes your message came through.... and yes today I just added the picture... It is an older pic of me and my other half taken last year... I have short hair now and drastic change I did just a couple of weeks after my mom died... Carson sounds absolutely wonderful.. I am so glad that you were able to find some enjoyment in Disney World... I have been there it is a wonderful place to visit... Hopefully maybe one day you and Carson can return there to experience all the wonders it holds.... It was good to hear from you....

Derek I am not sure if this site will email you... I can't seem to set that up on my pc.... I tried but I keep getting an error message saying page cannot be found.... Figures... just my luck.... I just wanted to share with you... that you are right... not sure why anyone would question you about your plot... Don't really understand some of the human race... but just try to remember that only you can make a decision about whether or not you remarry and what to do about your burial preferences... you will know when the time comes... Trust me on one thing as I speak from experience.... you will find love again... just do it on your time..... it may not be for years, it may be just around the corner.... that is the thing about love is that is just broadsides you and no one has the choice to decide.... I was fortunate to take some time with pay... I had requested a leave of absence without pay but the company I work for told me after the fact that they would still pay my wage.... chalk one point up for the human race... there are some caring souls.... Anyways it was nice to hear from you.... glad we can help.... let us know what your sons name is and maybe you can share a little of him with us next time you post.....

MartyT Thank you so much for the lift.... My mom was so very wonderful and no one deserves to die the way she did.... It is so very difficult to cope... I guess the biggest for me is to understand why... I know from all of the counselling and books I have read, that the question as to "why" will never be answered.... for the simple reason being is that only a very sick person thinks of murder as being acceptable.... well I guess I shouldn't say it will never be answered... it was all about money.....that is the reason why.... the big mtg got paid off, the life insurance payout, the burden of her living was getting in the way of his relationship with his new girlfriend.... how morbid is that??? I guess it is a question of how any human could repeatedly feed his wife of 44 years an anti-freeze smoothie wondering if that was the one to do her in...... It is horrendous....what more can I say.... that is the problem that I just can't seem to get a grip on..... she worshipped the ground he walked on... always turned the other cheek when he had his affairs.... The RCMP are investigating but they won't give me any answers.... has anyone told the insurance company? has anyone notified the goverment re her pension he is now getting? has anyone informed the mtg company? The police will give me no information...... Shell I did contact Nancy Grace about it and have had no relpy.... the RCMP want me to wait to contact the press ????? dont know why..... I feel so helpless.... What do I do??? I can't just sit back and be patient... but what do I do???? Thank you for letting me rant..... you guys are wonderful and a godsend!!!!

Derek, It is so awesome that you and Karen shared what sounds to be like a wonderful relationship.... I know what you mean when you say " it doesn't seem real" you will walk around in a daze, feeling as though you can't go forward... no one is expecting you to... as I said, take all the time you need to grieve... you will come across some people that cannot understand what you are going through.... just promise to do what is good for you.... I went back to work right after my mom passed away... figured that work was the only normal thing in my life so I thought it was good for me to jump back into it and take my mind off of the pain I was experiencing.....didn't work for me.... just about lost my sanity and the counsellor I was seeing told me that it was essential that I take a leave..... my circumstance is quite different in my life with mom's death but it has torn a piece from my heart that I am not so sure I can replace.... anyways I was told to go walk on a mountain top, a stroll on the beach, just anything that involved nothing before I did end up having a breakdown.... It worked.... I feel much better...still have my moments... you will too.... You will know.... for what ever reasons beyond our control... our lives have taken the path we are now living... can't change what is happening no matter how difficult and hopeless it seems life will go on.... embrace your son and the future you have with him for he will help you through this.... Keep you head held high, have faith that your path along this horrific rollercoaster ride will subside and normalicy will return.... We are all here for you.... Penny

Dusky you are truly amazing..... Jack would be proud of you....I am sure he is watching down upon you with love and gratitude for having you in his life..... Derek, one of the most comforting things I did when I lost my mom was I found a special candle holder (one just like she had) and every night, I would find the time for just me to light her candle and take the time to talk to her. I bought a special picture frame... had one of her teddy bears (Mr.Bear) with me and sat in the dark gazing into the flame....Some people may have thought I had jumped over the edge of sanity but it truly became a very special time between her and I even though she wasn't here. She was in spirit.... During my mom time (as I called it) I remembered only the special times we had together...and it was a time to tell her all the things I never got to say..... It was very difficult at first but it became my comfort before I fell asleep to talk to her about my day..... If you had a special place that you and your wife went to.....go there,talk to her, walk with her...for she is there you just can't see you but she can hear you..... Books are great.... I have some and they do help you with coping strategies. All of your feelings that you have like finding it difficult to rise in the morning are normal.... It will get better,please trust me on that.... I know you feel as though your whole world is in turmoil....I know how you can get stuck in that mind haze and feel as though you will never see the light,but trust me, it will get better.... she truly was lucky for having someone like you for I can tell you loved her very deeply. You always will and she knows that..... I was 22 when I lost my other and my son lost his father.... it does get better.... it has been awhile...I am now 40 so put some faith in us old people...we will help you get through this...

Hi Derek I am so very sorry to hear about your loss.... I do understand what it is like to have a part of who you are torn from your life.... I have lost a spouse many years ago in a logging accident...my son was only 4 at the time..recently I like you joined this forum for I lost my mom in dec/05...she was murdered by my dad.... So yes your grief will affect you in so many profound ways...there will be days where you are going to feel as if you are losing your mind.... Been there done that.... Just try to understand,it is all normal....part of grieving and it will be more difficult as you have your son who will remind you daily of your wife.... Cherish what you had with her...and be strong when you can but remember to bottle it up will serve no purpose to you.... Cry as you have never cried before and be thankful for what you had with her as it was a gift to be cherished.... I feel for you and hope that you will come to believe that as time passes it will get easier....take your time to heal...there is no timeclock measuring your pain..... If you have difficulties, read the section on bereavement and behaviors it has helped me with my own healing.... My heart goes out to you and your son...take care hope to see more posting on here from you..... Penny

Hi guys... Coping.... it is not always an easy task when a piece of who we are is taken away.... it is such a nightmarish rollercoaster ride yet some how we still survive... One has to question does everything truly happen for a reason? If so then what is the freaking reason for my mothers death? I have experienced a true loss of faith in mankind on so many levels yet finding this site and all of you has changed my path once again....weird... Spent days in a mindless haze trying to decide if life was worth living... The rage and anger towards my father is still an obstacle I have not overcome... As Kathy said, she was the strong one... very much the same here... but why is it people dont understand that the emotions are just as wild and out of control as the next guy.... I have learnt to embrace the beauty of nature and all the wonders that it has to offer...to appreciate it for it is a gift from heaven above.... Guarded....wholly cow that's me.... yet in a sense it really is to me that I have learnt to set boundaries. I have truly learnt to be more assertive in my life with my family.... I guess that is how this whole murder investigation got started from me believing in my intuitions and standing my ground for what I believe in..... Life is so precious...guess I don't have to tell you any of that.... Reality is that to learning to cope with whatever is thrown is our path, for it is just another one of life's lessons... if we don't learn the lesson we can't move forward or grow..... Yoga and meditation....it has helped me to get in touch with my spirituality... Finding all of you, I realize that it is just another gift for me to cherish.. Penny