Penny1

Thanks kayc This has been a very long and diffucult journey for me and you are right.... No one person in this universe can take away the love I have for my mom and our relationship we had... I have my memories which I will always carry close to my heart.... I will never understand why my sister did what she did.... It hurt deeply but I guess if she can live with herself then I must accept her actions no matter what.... My Mom.... she would be freaking out if she knew what my sister did.... I can only pray that Mom doesn't know.... my poor brother is in the same boat that I am and has nothing of my Mom's to cherish.... I had a couple of rings my Mom gave me a few years ago and I gave one to my brother and told him although it wasn't much, it was all I had to offer him.... Is it greed??? I don't really get it.... how someone could be so cruel.... first she was murdered and then to go into her home and take it all and give so much away without even considering either one of her siblings... she is obviously very messed up.... I guess that is one of the diffucult aspects that alot of us have to endure when we lose a loved one.... If only they could look in the mirror and see themselves for who they really are....and the pain they have caused.... Sorry... can you tell I am bitter.... Thanks for letting me vent....

Sara I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the terrible journey you have had... I am not sure how many posts you have read... but in one of my other posts to another member, I mentioned the free counselling services that I became aware of here in my home town.... There is a crisis clinic which is affiliated with our hospital and victim services which I found out about after losing my mom.... I know how finacial hardship can prevent some of us from seeking counselling which I feel is a vital part of recovery especially in circumstances like yours.... I took my children to this clinic the day I had to tell them that their beloved Gramma was murdered.... It was one of the most difficult days in the beginning that I was faced with.... I can't say enough about the wonderful people who work there for they made this difficult time so much easier for me.... I pray for you and your boys and hope that there is some help for you out there... I know from experience, you have a long difficult journey ahead of you as a Mom and hope you come back when you are in need of some support.... Everyone here is so wonderful.... angels sent from above... to help you Take care and God Bless you....

Whitony Sorry to hear about your Mom.... I lost my mom in Dec/05 and still the emotional waves knock me off my feet... although not quite as often... Your grief will come and be prepared for it is one of the hardest obstacles that I have had in this lifetime.... rememer when it does side swipe you, you just have to go with it.... time makes it easier although when you get caught in the wave nothing seems to make any sense.... keep in mind we all grieve differently so you may find that your sister and dad find it more difficult to overcome... you may be the strong one in the family and sounds like you have alot of obligations... but please remember to take time for yourself... It is so wonderful that you have signed up your family to this forum and shows what a caring wonderful person you are.... your Mom is watching and she must be so proud of you and your courage.... you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers

Holly... I am so sorry for your loss... I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through in losing your son..... We are all here trying to deal with our grief in losing our loved ones, and know how difficult this journey can be... there are so many people in our lives that just expect us to carry on... (easier said than done) As you have probably already experienced, there are always days that are easier than others.... a birthday.... it must be so difficult for you especially since your daughter shares the same day.... I wish I could give you some sound advice that would make it easier on you and her.... It sounds like your son and daughter were very close as mine are.... I would talk to her and ask her whether or not she even feels like celebrating her birthday....I bet she is dreading it just as you are... maybe for this year, you can make it Aaron's day.... just a day to cherish what a wonderful son and brother he was... I bet your daughter would prefer a low key day instead... I have done so much reading & counselling to help me overcome losing my mom.... I can only recommend the same for you.... I know that counselling is so expensive if you are expected to pay for it out of your own pocket... and with having a family and finacial obligations some days it seems so impossible to even consider.... I am not sure if you have inquired.... but we have here a crisis counselling clinic where I am that is government funded....no cost to me and believe me I had to go when my world was falling apart... We also have a victim's services organization that offered free counselling and support.... not sure where you are but it may be worth it to look into it... these are people who deal with specific areas and may be of help to you... I know how difficult it is to connect with someone who can relate, understand and help with this.... Everyone on this site, are so wonderful.... supportive and understand what you are experiencing... they are here for you.... I wish I could somehow reach out and take your pain away... you are in my thoughts and prayers....

Foxslady... I am so sorry for your loss.... Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.... we are all here for you to help you through the most difficult journey you must now face... I know that feeling of not wanting to continue on....it would seem so easy to just close your eyes forever.... trust us all, it will get easier.... one day at a time.... I know that you feel it would be easier to destroy everything in your home rather than face it... Is that what Gene would have wanted? When I lost my mom, my sister went and took everything of hers.... I have nothing...what I would give now to be able to touch her things.... walk through mom's home and to see all that she cherished... but due to circumstances, I will never be able to go back home.... If it helps you... then do as you must.... we will support you and be here to listen whenever you need to vent.... You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Hi Derek I am sorry to hear that things aren't going so well.... Can I give you some words of advice....when my son lost his father (he was 4) I went through one heck of a time with him.... He was such a wonderful, well behaved child and then when his dad was killed, he turned into this totally out of control child... he wouldn't listen, talked back, threw huge tantrums.... I was lost.... I sat him down and asked him to explain to me what was wrong... he was so angry over losing his dad.... he thought God ate his dad(that was horrific) he had no faith... he was only 4. I got help for him.... I asked his grandmother to help me out for I just wasn't sure how I could deal with it... So I think what Carson is going through is grieving.... children grieve so differently than we do.... we have faith in God to carry us through but I don't think young children have faith.... they are too young... My suggestion is to find a good grief counsellor to work with him one on one... My son still has unresolved issues over losing his dad that affects his life... Losing Karen may affect his life forever... and hopefully someone (counsellor) can help him with his grieving journey.... Hang in there, I too wish I could help you.... We are all here for you and in our thoughts and prayers....

Hi everyone, I can relate to all of you... Everyday I come home from work, I take a nap... never in my wildest dreams did I do this previous to losing my mom... My counsellor told me that this would happen... For me, there was the extreme anxiety and worry when Mom was in the hospital.... then the numbness when she passed... the days of not sleeping... which I am sure you have all experienced... the big crash as I refer to it now... Maybe it is just that we all realize in our journey, that we now live our lives on day at a time, some of us it is one minute at a time, the pure mental exhaustion just kicks in and we have finally figured it out to give into our needs and sleep when we need to... nothing abnormal in that... It is just all part of the grieving process... Who knows how long it will last... maybe we just need to cherish our nap times, take the time to lay down, calm our minds and just drift off in to nothingness.. at least for me I find it comforting to just let it all slip away and not have to think....

Hi Maylissa, I am so glad you are back.... I wish I could take your pain away.... You have helped us all so much and now it is our turn to help you with your terrible loss... I know it must seem so unfair to you to once again have to go through this... We are all here for you... you are in our thoughts and our prayers. As Marty said, I know how difficult this is for you... I am so happy you found the strength to come back... we need you... May God help you find peace, and bless you in your time of need Big hugs

Jealousy is such a negative emotion but yes I have experienced it too in this grieving journey.... When I first lost mom, my husband was wonderfully supportive in the beginning and still is yet in such a different way.... I let my jealosy get totally out of control....it would make me crazy when he wanted to do something without me...I couldn't even grasp the concept that he could possibly abandon me at such a horrible time in my life.... we ended up separating only 2 months after mom's death and then I was left with just me.... Although it was so terrible to go through my grief alone it was an awakening for me in the end... I spent many hours depressed, miserable and angry at him feeling as though I wanted my life to end... The positive part in that time was I truly looked within myself and realized that my life would go on without her... I was forced to face my fears and find true happiness within myself.. He was dealing with my grief the best he could at the time... he had to carry on and be the responsible one... I was a mess In my time alone... I learnt how to find peace and be content with being by myself... it was so amazing to just sit in the silence and actually find comfort in it...I spent many hours walking on the beach and learning to appreciate the beauty of nature... Now, I look forward to my time alone... I changed my schedule at work and now have a day off by myself... I love it.. I never thought I would conquer my jealousy and wanting him around all the time but now I look forward to my days by myself... I don't know how to put it into words but losing mom has made me realize that I could carry on down the negative path or choose to heal and become more spiritually aware of the positive side of life... have faith is all I can tell you.... Hope all my babble helps

Welcome to the board John Sorry for your loss.... we all know what you have to live with for we are living the same nightmare... When you need to vent, this is the place, when you need someone to listen, this is the place, when you need a shoulder to cry on... yup this is the place... The people on this site will help you through your toughest moments and greatest challenges in your grieving journey...they are all angels.... Keep posting.... take care

Hi Rayon I can't imagine having to go through what you do..... I guess in one sense I am fortunate that my in laws live far away and don't seem to have much interest in keeping in touch..... I don't have to watch everyone else with their families so I should be thankful.... weirdly enough anyways.... I guess my biggest struggle is with my co-workers.... they all know what I am going through yet no one ever asks me how things are going.... They all knew that the RCMP came to work to talk to me and could see I was on the verge of tears but not one person said a word.... I just can't understand how people can be so insensitive.... That is the reason I come here.... everyone is so wonderful and supportive and no one ever judges you.... Thanks everyone.... Rayon you are in my thoughts and prayers....

Hi Thartz Welcome to the board.... I know exactly how you feel.... tomorrow will be 9 months since my mom's murder... there are still days when I visualize her passing in the hospital.... it all comes back to me as if I was there once again... it was horrific having to hold her down and watching her die in such agony and pain.... Just the other day, I was having one of those moments....and then all of the sudden I could smell her perfume.... it was as if she was there to calm me down... It worked.... made me smile and I just started talking to her as if she were here.... You will have days when all seems ok and then from out of the blue it will hit you and the emotional wave will have broadsided you once again.... Just keep trying to have faith that it will pass and realize it is all part of the grieving journey we are on.... It will get easier I promise.... Keep posting, we are all here for you

Thank you all for your support.... Last night was a hard one for me.... My hubby came home from work and asked me what was wrong.... I was in tears losing my faith in all of this... One of his buddies called 5 min later he left to run an errand for him... I was so hurt.... When he came home I just got in my car and went for a drive to the drugstore to get my ativan refilled... I was doing so good, had quit taking them and I was a wreck.... he knew I was upset but never said a word..... I know it must be hard for our loved ones to watch us go through the low points on this terrible journey but how do you make them understand the emotional pain we are experiencing.... Some days, I just feel so alone with no one to turn to...

Hi Shell Thank you so much for the support.... I feel as if I am slipping backwards again.... I saw the RCMP again today.... it sort of threw me for a loop that they offered to come and see me on my lunch... I was hopeful that they had good news for me but it was totally opposite.... I can tell they are grasping at straws now... not a good sign.... they mentioned that can't understand why so many people refuse to get involved which is so mind blowing to me.... I know they have witnesses that can contribute information that would be helpful to the case but these individuals don't want to be involved.... I just don't get it and it really pisses me off.... this is my mom's murder... did she mean so little to these people.... it is so hard to stay positive and to have faith in mankind.... it really tears at my heart and I am so helpless.... Sorry I am having a bad day as you can tell.... thanks for letting me blow off steam....

Derek That is such a beautiful poem.... Thanks for sharing that with us all...

Thanks Shell I did get to talk to the RCMP yesterday....still no news They told me that they have come across some new info and wished they could tell me but they can't. This is so very difficult... not knowing when this will all come to light... They want me to have faith... which I am desperately trying to do but at the same time its hard... I guess I am seeking closure... I have managed to find some comfort in my life and as you said, we must carry on and I have to consider my kids & hubby...this is so hard for them to watch me struggle with it but I have finally gotten a grip on my anger towards my father and sister.... My father I just want for him to pay for what he has done.... my sister.... well who knows what is going through her mind but I guess she has made her choices and it is her loss to no longer have me as a part of her life.... It is all so very messed up... but I just keep taking one day at a time for this is reality.... and I have to accept that and make the most of it.... It was so great hearing from you, thank you so much for your kindness and caring...it means the world to me....

Hi Derek I so wish I could take your pain away... I know yesterday was a tough one for you and nothing anyone could say or do can change the horrible reality you are facing on a daily basis. You mentioned you feel as if you are on a downward spiral but have faith that will change.... just give it some time... I found a little exerpt from a book that I would like to share with you and hopefully it will give you some faith.... There is a spiral that leads to ascension. It is the path that frees you from the bounds of human suffering and takes you closer to your true being or divine nature. It spirals upward and it also spirals downward. The steps along the spiral are taken through selfless service. When we let go of the the self and abandon fear and doubt, then the spiral of faith and trust in others goes upward. We go along this path until something happens to shake our faith. Then we withdraw. This is simply a test of faith, but to withdraw, it just sends us down the spiral. But when we buy into this way of dealing with our tradgedies, it sends us further down the spiral until we feel so desperate and deluded about the void meaining in our lives. We find we must refocus and try to find our faith once again. When we are desperate enough and nothing has meaning or makes sense anymore we know that we cant understand this with our minds alone. We turn for guidance, we ask God for help. When we do this, we find that we must have faith again, and hence we start climbing back up the spiral. The interesting thing about the spiral is that as we travel up and down, each time we fall down a little way we dont fall all the way back to where we were last time. We ascend. But we can only continue to ascend if we continue to have faith, and we can only have faith if we have the courage to act on on our faith and live it. Derek I have fallen many times in my grieving journey, some days probably like yours yesterday, nothing mattered to me, it was just so hard and hurt so much that I didn't care.... I couldn't I just wanted to close my eyes and have it all go away.... Don't feel guilty about wanting to have time alone... you need that time. I still have those moments where I dont want anyone around.... I just go for a walk on the beach and talk to my mom. I find my faith again....I do have faith, I have to or I may go insane... We are all here for you....hopefully I didn't overstep any boundaries and hopefully you will be ok in a day or two. Give it time it has to run its course and remember next time it will be easier.... Take care God Bless you!

It has been quite some time since I have been here.... Today I am going to see the RCMP for an update.... It has been almost nine months since Moms death and still I have no answers from them... fear is starting to consume me once again that this will become a cold case... I pray that the RCMP will give me some hope... for hope is all I have left.... Some days this is so hard but I guess you all know what I mean... it seems as if this journey is getting easier and then boom the guilt sets in and I feel lousy and as if I am letting her down... dont really know how to explain it... I guess its guilt from carrying on and actually seeing light at the end of the tunnel... Does anyone else feel this???

This site is for sure a blessing. So many wonderful people to listen and reach out to each of us as we try to overcome these tragedies we have to live through. Derek you said you hope that you have helped someone and I just want you to know that you have..... Me. I haven't been posting for awhile as all of you that know me have figured out. Just want to let you all know, that it does become easier, you will sleep again, for life does go on. I so dislike that saying. The reality is that our lives do continue, I still have my moments where I feel as if I am emotionally being dragged into the depths of hell but they pass and for me they come fewer and farther between. I have read so many books which have made a huge impact on my own grieving process. I do suggest for everyone to read as many books as possible it helps so much. My most recent book I have read is called "Faith" a wonderful book written by the author A.C. Ping. He has written a series and I have orderd the other two called "Do" and "BE". These are not grief related, but an eye opener for sure which helped me realize how to gain a better perspective on how I chose to deal with this situation with my Mom. Marty has suggested some books for me to read which have helped also. Thanks Marty. Her site is absolutely wonderful. Gaby.. my heart goes out to you and you should be so proud of yourself and your courage... you are amazing. Derek... I so wish I could make your life jump ahead a week just so you won't have to go through Karen's birthday. I know it will be one of the hardest days for you but try to keep positive.... you made it through your birthday and you will make it hers too. I wish I could take your pain away... I know there are times for me when I just wish I could have my memories wiped out but then I would lose all of the treasured times I had too. Keep the faith... it will get easier.

Thanks Walt Tomorrow will be 7mths for me...and I, like you am so far from seeing daylight..... For me, it is like a terrifying roller coaster ride... the emotional waves that hit me come when they chose to.... I need to do some more reading....maybe I should buy another book.... Just wanted to say your tribute to Jeannie is amazing... Thanks

I not sure if this link will work.... I hope so.... Its in memory of my beautiful mother.... In Memory of

Thanks Mandy I do pray every night and ask God to look after my mom and to hold her hand and give her comfort... it has helped alot.... Maylissa You are so wise.... thank you so much for your support.... My mom did make her own choices, she knew all about what my father was all about... I don't believe she would have ever thought he was capable of murder though. She made the choice to stay with him so yes she was in control of her destiny.... You would have to have known my mom.... I do strongly believe, that she stayed committed to my father for so many years because of her kids... and then when we all grew up and moved away. I know she thought every thing would change.... They did spend time together, they went on holidays together and did a lot of things they never could do when we were little.... When things got bad and he was constantly involved with other women she had talked about leaving.... she threatened him that she was leaving... then he kissed her butt and she stayed.... I told my mom that she didn't have to stay.... but she just cried her heart out and said she had no where to go.... she didn't want to be a burden on her children and refused to stay with any of us.... My mom always considered everyone else in her world.... bad choice? Yes it was the choice that predetermined her destiny... She was weak...always was....low self esteem..... just didn't have it in her to leave him....I asked her to go and see a counsellor with me.... hoping that someone could shed some light on her but Mom was mom and she always told me not to worry... she said she would be ok.... I know she made her choices.... do I have guilt that I didn't do something more? You bet!! Guilt as never before.... I know that I can't change anything, I know that it is not my guilt to carry as she was an adult and was able to decide on her own... I made the choices back then to not pursue getting her out of that relationship as she made the choice to stay.... we both made the best choice we knew at the time.... Had I known or had she known the outcome, we both would have done something different... Reality is she is gone.... I miss her soooo much.... but I do have faith that we will meet again one day.... Oh Maylissa it is such a compicated world we live in... I just have to keep faith that everything happens for a reason.... I will one day know why.... she is away from the horror now so really she is better off.... I just wish I could hug her and tell her that I love her.... I do tell her everyday but I guess I am being selfish and wish that she could be her to hug me back and tell me that she loves me too..... I really miss her and wonder if this will get easier....

Thanks Jester for your prayers.... I need all the support I can get.....

Life is getting difficult once again.... I am trying so hard to stay motivated and positive but I can feel it slipping away.... I feel so alone... I haven't heard anything yet from the rcmp. I left a msg today on the investigators voice mail with some more names of people that knew my father... I am hoping that someone out there will have some info for them. It bothers me to be wishing that maybe in one of his drunken stupors he talked about his plan of murder.... He is my father....how could he have done it..... she meant the world to so many people.... especially me and her grandchildren.... She enriched our lives and he took it away in a blink of an eye....it is oh so very sick and twisted... The rage within me is building, I feel as though I have this negative energy force surrounding me.... crazy, I must be crazy....I wish I could just close my eyes forever...and have all this pain go away.... I know in my heart I must go on...for Mom I must go on....she was so helpless in this all and I keep wondering if she knows her husband who she worshipped and was married to for 44 years took her life... does she know? and is she suffering right now because she does know....

Tori Congrats, on finding the strength to start your journal... Your husband was obviously a very special man, thank you so much for sharing with us a part of who he was... Just hearing your story has given hope to a lot us that progress will come,and that days will get easier... You will find the support here on this site to help you through the emotional ride we are all on.... I started to write down my life experiences which were so difficult to do in the beginning but now I can look back and realize I have come a long way since the loss of my mom... You will find on this site caring hearts, shoulders to cry on, people who will not judge you when you slip and fall back into the emptiness we have all experienced... Keep writing in that journal, it will help you in the long run.... you may find some days it is too painful but there is always another day when you will feel strong enough to write some more.... All my best to you... keep posting You are in our prayers