pinkpony

wow what a week this has been. I have learned a lot about myself this week; I can drive 9hrs & read a map all by myself, I can let things go, I can start new memories w/ my kids & myself. There was a lot of emotion at the begining of trip but a lot of cleansing too. for the 1st time in 7months I really laughed & smiled & enjoyed myself, I really feel this is my new begining(not that I'm ready to put dh away completely)but I am ready to move a bit more forward.

I haven't said good-bye & probably never will, but thats because I know I will see him again someday. When he passed away & I saw he was gone I could tell his spirit was gone & I felt a peace that he was with Jesus now. I haven't been to his grave in a couple of months now I don't like going there(my son is buried close to him). I'm from az too & yes our winters are beautiful, but our summers are miserable.

monday I will be going on my 1st trip w/o out my husband, my son(who just got home from afghanistan) & my other son will be going to my husband & mine favorite place(our last trip there was in 09 for our 24th anniversary)we are going to celebrate his birthday there. I'm a AZ native & have never driven in the snow so this will be a huge 1st for me, all week I have thought about canceling this trip that I've been looking forward to for 5 months just because I'm afraid, but I know this is something I have to do to help me get my identity back & get out of my "safe" bubble. My hubby can't be here for me anymore to protect me from the scary things in life & I don't want another man in my life to do it for me. my dh has been gone now for 7months & I need to move forward a little bit at a time.

I am right now BIG TIME! I'm not comfortable around others & I'm so afraid of making decisions now that my better half is gone. I use to be the most confident secure person, but now not so much. I saw some friends last weekend who my dh & I use to hang w/ & the husband even commented on how quiet I was(I'm a talker) I said yeah I'm alot different w/o my sidekick aren't I? I think it will take time to figure out who you are w/o that person in your life & be comfortable in your own skin. Its part of the journey.

well today is my 1st moms day alone in 25yrs & it feels weird. You raise children knowing that someday they will all move out & go on w/ their lives & you prepare for that, but you never think or prepare for your spouse to be gone also. My dh always made mothers day special for me, even last year when he was sick. I have learned a few things this week though, I went & visited friends(couples) yesterday & really didnt want to go, but I did it & though I felt uncomfortable the whole time I learned that I can close that door & they were only friends cuz my hubby was with me. I also learned that I don't think we ever really get over the loss of a loved one we just learn to function w/o them even when it doesn't seem possible. In 20yrs I lost a child & my husband & I could very well choose to be bitter & pull the "why me" card, but I choose to be happy & know that God has a perfect plan for me. a friend sent me a scripture today & it seemed so fitting(she had no idea what I've been going through this week). "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Happy Mothers Day friends.

this will be my 1st mothers day in 25yrs without the love of my life & no children at home(they all live out of state). my dh always did something special for me & I'm so going to miss that. I always knew the kids would eventually grow up & move away, but I never expected @ 44yrs old to not have my dh/bf celebrating this day with me.

I totally understand the identity crisis. I lost my dh/bff of 30yrs 6 months ago & I thought I knew who I was, a very strong independent woman, but now that he's gone & my children are grown I'm finding out that I was all of those things because of them. I've always been the "encourager of others" always giving pep talks & positive words even during my dh's battle w/ cancer(I was his caregiver) & my world was crumbling, but now that the fog has lifted & reality is setting in I need people to give those words to me. I have no patience for peoples problems now I want to scream & say "at least you can still fight w/ him & make up". I don't think its selfish at all to work on ourselves right now, not saying we should be mean, but its ok to take the time & figure out who we are w/o these people who played such an important role in our lives. I know that I'm still a strong independent woman under all this pain & confusion & I have chosen to take the time I need to find that girl again. Don't let others choose how you're going to grieve & continue the fight to rediscover yourself again.

all the time! I was w/ my dh for 30yrs, so I've never made decisions completely on my own & now I have to. also anytime I hear from my kids on the latest in their lives(theyre all grown & moved) my 1st reaction is to yell out to my dh so I can share the news. I still do it though. one of my friends told me its ok to talk to yourself as long as you don't answer back, well I always answer back exactly what I know he would say, otherwise I would go completely crazy!

oh my lainey, my dh carved a head that looked just like him when he lost all his hair from chemo, but when he carved it it was before he was sick, so when he got sick we had a giggle saying "who would have known you were making a self portrait?" he use to put a cowboy hat on it. it sits on a bench he made of stones under a tree. I had a veggie garden & I put sweet peas in there too, my dh worked that soil real good infact last summer sick & all he was obsessed w/ getting it just right for me. I do have wild flowers that grow in there, but for now its just 2 funeral plants, a mum & a minature rose that I havent managed to kill yet.lol

yes they are for the garden. many years ago I wanted a garden & one day as a total surprise my dh made me one w/ walls & a gate. he was a carver & did a lot of chainsaw work & he made me a sign over my garden "----- secret garden". I put the 1st stone in there w/ his dates & now I will put this one in there. I'm not much of a gardener, he pretty much took care of it, but it serves as a reminder now of his love & unselfishness to me.

I'm making a "memory stone" today, its a flower shape mosaic & I'm going put "be happy" in the middle. I made one for my dh on thanksgiving, it was my 1st holiday w/o my dh & kids.

melina- that sounds perfect!

HE'S ON AMERICAN SOIL!!!! Today the yellow ribbon comes off my tree! I'm in emotional overdrive today, my boy is finally out of Afghanistan,but my DH went to be with Jesus 6months ago today. I don't know how to feel? I'm happy that my son is out of there(though I haven't got to talk or see him yet), but I'm also sad that my DH doesn't get to be here for that great news. wow what a year its been.

today is my 6 month w/o my darling husband too, & I totally understand what your saying. my dh's family has been telling me since before he passed(he had terminal cancer & was on hospice for 6months)"your young you'll find a new love soon" I finally cracked one day & told them "I don't want a new man! I want the 1 I had!". I had my soul mate the love of my life, I can't even think of someone replacing that, nor do I want that. yes I'm young, but after 30yrs w/ someone who was perfect for you, I have no desire for another. I think people just don't get it, I know w/ his family I think they're just trying to prepare themselves & letting me know its OK & I'll still be family. but they don't realize the trama we've been through & how much those words hurt. Yes it's OK if we move on(we fulfilled our "till death do you part" of our vows)but we have to do that in "our" time, not theirs. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but for some unknown reason it is part of our journey. don't be afraid to tell people what you really think & know we are in the same boat & we can help each other get through this.

melina- I so understand, my friend had her 30th anniversary party a month before my dh passed(we had just had our 25th) & they showed a video of their life w/ the song "remember when" allan jackson(that was dh & I's song) & I lost it in front of all these strangers,I knew that dh & I would never get to finish "our song" I had to leave the party. even family get togethers(his side) I can't handle right now, I try but I go in knowing its Ok for me to leave & I do. none of my kids are getting married or have that special one in their lives right now, but I know that will be another emotional rollercoaster when it comes. hang in there & remember its part of our "journey" here & someday we will know the reason for it.

thank you all. It has been hard having him there, we really havent had time to talk about daddy, he deployed the week we put dh on hospice, he did get to come home 2wks before dh passed,that was a blessing cuz dh got to see he was ok, dh was so proud of him but didnt want him to go to war(we lost his identical twin 20yrs ago). he came home for the funeral & none of us really talked, I was trying so hard to keep it together & be strong for my kids plus I had to take care of the funeral(dh wanted me to do the service). I know when he finally gets home its going to be very emotional for both him & me, I kept a lot of my emotions away from him cuz I figured he had enough on his plate being there & I didn't want to worry him.

I just got great news today & had to share. My youngest son who is serving in Afghanistan is done with deployment & will be back in the states on the 21st, this is the 6month anniversary of my DH & his daddy going to heaven. God always has a way of reminding me of what I still have here on earth. I won't get to see my son on the day he comes home(he's stationed too far from home) but just having him back in the states will be enough. He will get to come home soon after for a month R&R & we have a trip planned for my DH's b-day in may to our favorite place.

thank you for your encouraging words. I think one of the hardest things now if trying to figure out where I belong. I know God has a perfect plan for me, but my role in life has changed so dramatically, I was once a wife & mother & now I'm alone. I was w/ my DH since I was 16, so we grew up together, all my choices in life involved anothers opinion, my DH made me a strong independent woman, but I always had him cheering me on & now I feel lost. I don't have a lot of friends or that 1 girlfriend that I can talk to (my DH was my best friend)so all the choices I make now are completely my own & that feels weird. I'm a very wise woman when it comes to situations that arise & I don't get easily swayed, sometimes I over think things & follow my gut, but I don't want to do anything too crazy right now that will affect my future, so I'm almost too cautious(afraid of commitment big time now). My home is big & a lot of work(most I never did)& I look in the windows at night & see a family of 5 standing in the kitchen talking & laughing, or sitting at the dining room table eating & sharing our day & I think a family should be in this house not just me alone. But letting go of this family home would me letting go of all the memories of what my dh & I built together, so I know its not time to let that go. So @ 44 I'm faced w/ finding out who I am alone. I know I'm rambling, but it does feel good to share these honest thoughts.

Lynne, I could have written part of this story, I totally understand where you're coming from. my DH had a bump on his collar bone & the dr thought it was arthritis or a pulled muscle(he weightlifted)but it kept getting bigger & more painful, they did an x-ray & found lung cancer, then had a biopsy & found bone cancer all through his ribs, then went to start radiation on the bump & found brain tumors. he did try chemo & radiation even though the dr's only gave him 3-6months(he was only 47)but went on hospice 2months later, we had a good 5months before he passed. Our children are grown, but our middle child 21@ the time was living at home & he had to watch everything his daddy was going through, I know it was hard on him & still is. I quit my job & stayed home w/ him once he went on hospice to care for him(it was the hardest thing I ever did) you don't know from moment to moment if this is "it", he started falling alot & getting real confused & I finally had to put him in a hospice home(2nd hardest thing I did)he passed 4days later. It's only been a yr since I started my hospice journey, & I wish I could say it's easy, but I can say you will get through this part moment by moment, I have a strong faith & I know I will see him again. I wish no one had to go through what we have & are going through especially in our 40's when it seems like our lives are just getting settled & we're ready for the next part of our journey with our loved one.

Hello everyone, I found this forum through "finding your way through grief" I figured it would be a good start for me since I'm not emotionally ready for a group yet, I do have a grief counselor from HOV come to my house though. I was married to my HS sweetheart for 25yrs, last feb we found out he had stage 4 brain,bone & lung cancer(it was quite a shock do to the fact that he was only 47 & very healthy)we were told he would have 4-6months w/ treatment & 4-6wks w/o so he chose chemo/radiation. after his last chemo of the round he said he was ready to go on hospice(that was a yr ago this month)I quit my job to stay & take care of him,we had few good months & our son who is serving in afghanistan got to come home in sept, 2wk after he went back my DH passed away. we have 3 grown kids all moved away. Now nearly 6 months the numbness has worn off & I'm having to deal w/ not only being an "empty nester" but a "widow"(oh how I hate that name) too. My DH was my best friend, we had so many plans for our future & now its just me, w/ learning how to do everyday things,that he usually did. I haven't gone back to work yet, I'm not emotionally ready.