Hi SueSue, I think feeling or knowing that your mum dying was possibly avoidable is one of the hardest things. I feel similar about some of the diagnoses and medical treatment surrounding both my parents deaths to cancer. My mums doctor failed to pick that her already terminal breast cancer had spread to her lungs and instead treated her for a regular sore throat. My dad had survived bowel cancer and was having regular check ups, which were gradually being spaced further apart, when he was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. This was 12 years ago for dad and 10 years ago for mum. I was still a teenager when they died and many details about their illnesses were not given to me at the time. Consequently over the years with each new bit of information or just from thinking back on their illnesses and deaths as I got older, i believe i have grieved afresh for each new "if only" or "what if?". ...What if we demanded more regular check ups for dad? What if mum wasn't so worried about dad and got diagnosed before it was too late for her? What if everyone was more educated about cancer back then? What if i wasn't a kid and could have done something? I guess what i am trying to say is that i think as well as grieving for my loss as a daughter, and the loss for the world without them, and for them knowing their lives were cut short, there is also a kind of grieving for the waste of it all, the hopelessness, and the unknown of all the "if onlys" and "what ifs". ...These thoughts just by themselves have taken up a good many teary nights for me of their own accord and i think, like grieving because of how much you miss your mum, they also deserve whatever time and grieving they need as well. ....In other words... I'd say give those thoughts about your mum's treatment their own time and space when they need it however painful it might be as pushing them aside (like bottling up any emotions) might prove more harmful. My guess is venting about it here is a good place to start. Hope I've made some kind of sense I am still trying to work through all this stuff as i write it... but I wish your mum and dad were still here for you and mine were here for me too. take care xoxox