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Mary, this poem speaks right to my heart. You truly have a gift. Thanks Marty for posting it again.

I have so many regrets, regret that Harv didn't kiss me good-bye that morning because he knew I hadn't been sleeping good due to mourning for my dad, a BIG regret that when he was medflighted to the hospital that I didn't immediately talk very quickly to Harv and convince him to let the Doctors take his leg this time.( this was the sixth clot in 18 months. If the surgeon had done that, he would still be here with me. Regrets that I didn't stay all night with him in ICU the first night after they administered the Heparin drip, I stayed til midnight and then went to my sons to sleep and was called at 3:45am and was told they thought he had a stroke. When we got there about 20 mins later, he was already intubated and never regained consciousness. I probably could have talked to him before that happened. I go over this in my head every night when I get in bed. I miss him so much and want to feel his arms around me one more time. Love, Pam

Dave, to be truly redneck, you must cut all around the tire and bend back each section(I think it's supposed to look like flower petals) and then spray paint the tire with a color of choice. Tres chic! ;)I've seen this in Oklahoma. My husband was always coming up with ideas that would make me cringe. One time he dug a little fish pond for our backyard. It really just looked like a sorta big mud hole. About 2 weeks later, he went and bought minnows (yes, minnows) and excitedly called me out to watch him put them in the pond, what we both forgot was that my nephew had went fishing in a big pond on our land and had put 3 bass in it. Right after he dumped the minnows in, those minnows were jumping out of the water running for their lives and the bass were jumping too. In about 3 minutes the bass had ate all the minnows and it happened so fast all we could do was just stand there with our mouths open. I was like, my God Harv, those minnows were perfectly happy and you murdered them!

Dwayne, thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I know you must be incredibly frustrated and tired of not feeling well. I admire your ability to continue helping other people on here while feeling lousy. Love, Pam

Will keep all of you and also everyone else who may be affected by this storm in my prayers and thoughts.

Peace and Love

Pam

Marty, so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved companion. Will be sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Peace and Love, Pam

Thank you all for sharing. I love all the quotes and poems, they were very comforting to read.

Love, Pam

The worst I've heard is when someone said,(in response to me explaining that my husband had just passed away) "well, I got divorced from my wife and never looked back." Really, that compares to what we've all gone thru?? I really wanted to punch him in the gut, but then I realized he was ignorant.

Peace and Love, Pam

Di, I completely understand your belief, I also posted something along the same thread. I waffle between absolutely believing Harv is having a wonderful time reuniting with his dad and brother and many other loved ones and friends. The next minute I'm afraid that there is nothing waiting for us after this life. I know that we are supposed to go with faith, but it's so intangible and I have always wanted evidence on things I have needed to make a decision about. I know Harv believed strongly that there is a much better place waiting for us, so I know that IF that place exists, he is there. I also grieve that Harv did not get to meet our first grandchild that was born 3 weeks after he died. People tell me that he's smiling down from heaven, that really doesn't comfort me(as of yet) I want him HERE with me where he belongs. I do think it would be awesome to have the strong faith that lots of people have and maybe someday I will. I've been thinking about counseling to talk about many questions I have... I hope that you have some peace tonight, I hope that all of us on this forum have some measure of peace tonight. Love, Pam

Mary, I'm glad to hear you were with friends and other loved ones on Mike's birthday. Though it's just been a little over a month since my husband passed, I still have his iPhone and his facebook is still active also. Many times I talk to him thru his private inbox, our sons also talk to him that way. I have been wondering myself how long to keep it. I didn't know about making it a memorial page. That sounds wonderful, but l'm always afraid that eventually everyone (except close family) will forget about him and stop posting on his wall and I think that will break my heart. The other day I was looking at his apps on his iPhone and he had one that was for leaving audio memos to himself. One of the recordings was titled "I love Pam" the message is something I will cherish the rest of my days, my son has burned it to a cd, because I know some day, I will have to cancel his phone. But I can play that over and over and I hear his voice telling me how much he loved me. It was recorded in Feb, 2011, makes me wonder if he had a premonition? Anyway, let me know what you find out about facebook. Oh yeah, along with that message was another titled"Tiny's nuts." he was reminding himself to call the vet to have one of our stud colts cut. It makes me smile...

Peace and Love, Pam

Here's to hoping you get a job that's a perfect match for you! With all the positivity being sent your way, something good is bound to happen soon. Peace and Love, Pam

I have noticed that every time I look at anything, I think, "this was before Harv died,or this was after." I guess I need to just think BHD and AHD. But, I do think that a lot. I also cannot throw some things away, like you an almost empty bottle of shampoo>(men's) I do use it occasionally so I can smell it. I cannot listen to country music yet, he loved so many songs,that if I'm driving and one would come on the radio, tears would flow.Not too safe while driving, So, I just don't listen anymore.Take care while traveling to see your gma. Peace and love, Pam

Thinking of you Dwayne... Peace and love, Pam

Mary,

Thanks...

It's been a long weekend and it's only Saturday... the more I think about what's happening to me not processing grief the more I'm thinking I've been so focused with my husband that I really haven't given any time to my mom. My relationship with her was not perfect but I also had time over the years to address a few of these issues with her. She knew I loved her but that doesn't mean I was done talking about them if you know what I mean. Anyway... it will be a long road to haul and her only daughter and her first born she did know I loved her so I guess that's what's really important.

I just need to start giving time and space to her in my head... it's just so much to deal with when my husband is big as life and never far away.

As always thanks for listening.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

Deb, I understand completely. I lost my dad two weeks before I lost my husband. Harv held me as I cried many times for dad, I am the baby of the family and was always a daddy's girl. But, when harv died(I have a hard time saying that word-"died") it seems like I forgot dad died, I have to remind myself that my mom is grieving also. I like what you said about giving time and space in your head to your mom. Anyway, my thoughts are with you and hope today is a better day for you. Peace and love, Pam

All I can say to all of you is- thank you so much for these posts.

Well, I discovered tonight that my concerns of not feeling the pain were unfounded. Or perhaps my wish of not feeling the pain was not granted, because it snuck up on me while driving home after going out to eat with my sister. Everywhere I looked there were couples, old, young and in between. Just reminded me of my loss. Then, I arrived home to a dark, empty house. Harv would always turn the porch light on for me if I came home after dark. So I pulled up in front of the house and bawled. I miss him so much tonight and want him here. Now.I wish I had a strong faith like some of you have, but I don't. I just wish I knew that he's ok and happy where he is. Does he know how much I miss him?

I too find it almost unbearable to think of possibly 20,30 years without Harv. It's especially painful when I see elderly couples together who appear to be still in love and so comfortable together. That was supposed to be us! I do love that you are learning to feel your love's presence and not just his absence. You've also given me hope. Love and peace, Pam

Hello Earl, I lost my husband of 34 years on July 4, 2011. I'm truly sorry for your loss and wish for you that you would have never needed to join our group. But, since you have, I'll tell you this is a wonderful group of people. They will listen without judgement and always seem to understand. I understand about looking at your wife's chair and realizing she'll never sit there again. I look at my husband's recliner and feel such pain. I find myself talking the most to Harv while looking at his chair. I try so hard to listen, hoping he'll find some way to answer me. I'm so glad that you have such a large support group around you. But, you're right, they just don't "get" it. This is a safe place to say whatever you want, whenever you want. Peace and love, Pam

I have decided to give the anti depressant a try, after crying all day Monday, I felt like I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I just want to see daylight for awhile. I know from experience that until my body becomes used to them, I may feel emotionally flat. Sometimes I think it would be better to feel nothing than to feel such wrenching pain. I go back to work tomorrow at a university where I am a sign language interpreter and I don't think I could do my job if I'm crying all the time. Thank you all for your insight and kind words, I wish I could meet all of you and we could have a group hug. Peace and love, Pam

So, like so many of you, I became ill. Nothing serious, just bronchitis. I went to my Dr. last Friday and of course I started crying and the dr. wanted to also write a script for anti-depressant. I took the prescription, but have not started it. I wondered what you guys think. It's just been a little over a month since I lost Harv and am afraid if I take the medicine, I will be unable to feel like I should. I know one has to grieve and work thru it all. Just wondered if any of you took anti-depressants and what you think about it? I have nothing against anti-depressants, I have taken them in the past and do believe sometimes they are necessary. I think I'm rambling, sorry guys. Love and peace, Pam

Well damn, sometimes that's all one can say. Maybe you should consult with a lawyer? I think most will do a consult for free. I'll be thinking of you, keep us updated. Peace and love, Pam

I hope you are having less pain, you have many people sending prayers and positivity! Peace and love, Pam

Dear Wishful, just checking on you. I've thought about you often and understand that it must be unbearably difficult to deal with your grief and a small baby at the same time. Just wanted you to know I care. Love and peace, Pam

Becky, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you tonight. You were a good friend and you will be remembered as such. Now, please take care of yourself. I know I'm too new to this group to give advice, just wanted you to know I care. Pam

Dwayne, I have been reading your posts and think of you often. I'm so happy for you that you got see your beloved Pauline's face after your surgery. I often wish I could have a dream about Harv, but then I wonder if that would just be harder? Thank you for your kind words and I hope for you a peaceful night and a speedy recovery. Love, Pam