Spika

Raindrop- Thank you for cautioning me about grief support groups. I think it is important to know both experiences whether they are good or bad so I can go into it with a good mindset. What you said made a lot of sense… and I think that is why I don't open up to very many people in real life and maybe that is why I am afraid to put myself out there and go to a support group. I have had my fair share of opening up too much and having it come back to me and smack me in the face. I still haven't gone but I think I should make it a goal. MartyT- Thank you also for your links, I found them very helpful and informative, especially the article “Are you reluctant to seek counseling for grief?” I do feel like I could be doing myself a favor by going. I see my mom and I don’t know if she has ever handled her grief. I do know that she has built up emotional walls and I wonder if it is because she never dealt\deals with her grief. I do not want to take that risk. So, no matter how scared I am, I know I should go.

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of arguments since my dad died August 5th 2011. At first he was being so sweet and caring, but for the past week I feel like he hasn't cut me a break. His mom has a brain tumor, his step mom breast cancer, he is having health issues due to smoking, we have financial issues, and our cat is sick. He told me today that for the past week he has been thinking of leaving me. I told him I can't have someone in my life that wants to leave when things get really, really tough. He said fine, he will pack his things when he gets home. Like he doesn't even care. If he doesn't care then why should I stop him? But what will I do? All the debt is in my name, my cat is sick, I can't afford the apartment on my own, and we will have been together for 5 years this October. We used to fight about leaving each other all the time. But now it feels so much more serious. Do I really want someone who is thinking about leaving me right after my father just died? He is my everything: best friend, confidant, lover. But he doesn’t seem like he wants to fight to keep what we have built in our 5 years together. How can I trust him again? I don’t know if I can bare to lose him now too. He is a huuuge part of me and my life. I met him when I was 18 and now I’m 23. But he doesn’t understand what I’m going through and he told me he is thinking about leaving, so is it worth it? A part of me says I am better off without all those bad things you accept in a person when you commit to loving and living with them. But another part of me says those good things are something I can’t live without. I am so lost, sad, confused. I don’t know what I will do.

Its nice to hear about successful stories of group support. It seems daunting to make myself so vulnerable to a set of faces I don't know. Which is strange... you have a face, and I know there are lots of faces who might read what I write. Yet when I come here and bear all, my heart isn't grasped with an iron fist of uneasiness. You used to give your dad tech support and mine used to give me the tech support. He used to do a lot of things. Any time I needed help he would try and try - and even if he didn't know what to do - he would try until he fixed it or found a solution. He was so determined. He used to tell me, “never say you ‘can’t do something’ because you can always do whatever you put your mind to.” Gosh, I hate talking like that... everything in the past tense. When he was alive I never said things like, “remember when... you did this for me?” Maybe I should have so it wouldn’t be so hard to talk about now. I always felt so appreciative… like I could go to him for anything, but now I feel like I didn’t tell him how grateful I was. I tried to express it in the final days but I didn’t ever think he would really die. I wonder, did I do it enough? They said, “3-5 days”, so I knew, but it never truly hit home until it happened. He was really invincible in my eyes. Then, in the final days I don’t know if he even heard, I think he was in a coma although I have no idea and no one told us if he was or not. I never thought about asking either, it was enough when they said, “it looks like he is very comfortable”. Now I wish I knew. They said, a coma could happen, but I never knew for sure. I talked to him though even though he didn’t respond. They said hearing was the last of the senses to leave. Sorry I didn’t intend on talking about it, and I’m sorry if this is hard for anyone to read. Naimh, I know you said not to worry about what other people think! But I just don’t want anyone to read this and feel as badly as I do right now. Niamh, you also said it was like a rollercoaster. I have never been so mad, then sad, then apathetic, then panicky, then mad again. I get so annoyed with people at work when they come up to me and just say, “Are you better?” To them it might seem like a caring statement but it makes me so angry. It’s like they expect me to suddenly be my old self again, like they don’t realize that a part of me died with my dad. I feel like I will NEVER again be the person I was, and it is unfair to ask me something like that. I want to say, “What do you mean am I better, do you see my father walking around? Leave me alone.” But I realize that is rude and I have to be nice, so I hold my tongue. At least 3 people have asked me that though and I grow more tired of it each time.

Thank you very much MartyT. It is comforting to talk people who can relate and who care. I am so glad I found these forums. I was actually thinking about going to some support groups that I found on this website. I'm just so scared to do it, I don't know why. Foolish, I guess. While a hospice counselor was here she told us about a lot of things they would offer, after my dad passed. Don't get me wrong, I am interested, although just scared. My mom received the packet but she has never been one for counseling so I think she threw it away. I asked her for it but she never gave it to me. If all the information in the packet can be found on the website then I guess I don't need the packet. Thank you very much for your response.

I am so relieved that you replied again, Niamh. Thank you so much. I so wish I could take time off work. Lately, work is where it hurts the worst. I work back in a dark office where no one goes unless to tell me what they want me to do and all I have is my work, but I just don't care about it anymore. Being here reminds me of my dad and the permanence of his absence. I moved from Rhode Island three years ago to be with him since he was diagnosed with cancer. The biggest reason I kept this job was because of him, because it was the only way I knew I could spend the most time with him. But now he is gone and what is it all for? But I have too many responsibilities now to find a new job, and I used all my sick time while my dad was sick to care for him. I start working full time again tomorrow so I might as well suck it up I guess. I'm glad your mom is so understanding of you, but I am sorry she won't try to quit smoking for her own well being. I understand how frustrating it is. My bf has tried to stop ever since we got together, 5 years ago. But he never does, so I wonder if he really wants to? He is trying yet again today since he is so concerned that he has something seriously wrong with him so I hope it sticks. I will try to use your advice about not caring what other people think. I am also going to try and deal with this on my own. My boyfriend has his own problems, my mom and I have never really understood each other, and since moving from RI, I have no friends to talk to, and also like you I have no siblings. I would talk to my bf's mom but she already has her health and her son's to worry about too. One thing I do have is this site, and I was thinking about attending a support group too. The thought scares me so much though I don't know if I am brave enough. Anyway, I have made it this long today without crying and without my heart racing totally out of control (knock on wood). I had a few non-bad days around two weeks after my dad died and then WHAM it seemed like it all reappeared even worse. Has that ever happened to you? It was like a calm before the storm. I don't want that to happen again. Thanks again

Thank you so much for your response, Naimh. I am so very sorry that you have experienced the pain of losing your father as well. I also agree that it was a panic attack because I feel similar right now. I am so overwhelmed. And I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to and that scares me so bad. My boyfriends mom recently found out she has a brain tumor, his step mom found out she has breast cancer on Saturday, our cat is sick and needs $250 procedure done to make her better, and we cant afford anything. We cant afford the doctor for her, for me, and we have no insurance. To top it off, my boyfriend has been a smoker of 20 years and now he is having chest pains and mouth sores. But we cant afford to go to the doctor. He is all I have left, I am so scared. Today he told me that he is so stressed with his own life that he cant handle/understand my emotional instability when he feels like he is dying and worried about his family too. I feel like it is selfish of me to expect him to handle it too . But he is all I have. He is trying to quit smoking because of his health and that is so terribly hard on him. How am I supposed to be strong for him when I can barely be strong for myself? Some days are better than others. I feel like I am also on autopilot, that I am aware of all these things happening and then eventually it will just hit me like a brick in the face. I cant survive without my job but I can barely keep it together at my job. I feel like everyone is looking at me like why am I still so sad when my mom hasnt missed a day of work, has been getting everything finished, and doesnt even break down at work like me. (My mom and I work together and my dad worked with us too.) And I feel so bad for saying all this because I feel like my troubles are too big of a burden on anyone, everyone has their own problems, so I shouldnt complain like Im the only one struggling. But I just dont know what to do.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad just 4 days after you lost your mom. I too, wish the world would just stop. I am so exhausted after taking care of my dad night and day and then going straight back to work. Don't get me wrong I am young with lots of energy and I felt honored to take care of him in his final days but mentally, it was exhausting. I tried harder for him than I ever have for anything in my life and it didn't seem to make a difference, he died just the same. That being said, although I wish for a break, so many people tell me that would do me more harm than good right now. So many people have said that in fact, that I'm glad I have to work every day. I can't imagine feeling worse. It sounds like maybe you don't have a job but maybe I'm wrong? If you don't maybe it would be a good idea for you to get really involved in something. If I didn't have to work I would just do what I love to do like working with animals, writing, or reading. I know what it is like to want to just sleep. Because for me, it’s the only time to get the death of your loved one off your mind. But what hobbies do you like to do? It might help relieve your thoughts.

Raindrop, I read your some of your posts and I am not sure how much this will help you. I am only 23 after all, but I do know how you feel. My dad died a few weeks ago at age 49 and I feel like no one understands. I am glad I found these forums though because I found someone who I think knows how I feel and that helps. She told me that no one will ever know your exact grief. I agree with that. I think it is hard to comprehend for many people, and then there are some that just don't care enough to try to see how you are hurting. I am sorry you are having to deal with this and I hope things get easier for you. I suggest to keep coming here and posting. Maybe that can give you some comfort like it has given me. Take care.

On Friday I woke up feeling like crap. I have been feeling like crap a lot lately but it was just a little bit worse on Friday because I couldn't catch my breath and it hurt to breathe very deep, plus I was sooo emotional. Everything made me want to cry. I went to work as usual and then something very strange happened to me. It was like I was hallucinating... or having a day dream where I heard my dad's voice. It was stunningly real so I decided I needed to go and lie down at home. So I went home and found I was running a fever. I took two aspirin and then my fever was gone. I woke up the next day feeling much better. I have been fine since. Has anyone experienced this? I read on livestrong.com that panic attacks can trigger a fever so I wonder if it was that. Lately, out of the blue my heart will start racing or I'll have trouble getting enough air.

Thank you for your response, Erin. It makes me feel better to think that my emotions aren't totally whacked out. It was especially strange for me because for the past few days I have been walking around in a headache-y fog where I am more annoyed at things than any other emotion. My boyfriend told me that I should let it all out if I feel like crying but a part of me doesn't want to... it is so tiresome, hard to calm myself back down from, hurtful, and embarrassing at work (not to mention inconvenient). But then I think to myself that I am suppressing my emotions, and that is a bad thing. Today I decided I would try to be more social at work and try to be less annoyed and foggy. I am so confused about how I should be feeling now, but I guess that’s normal… or rather, ok.

It's been a week and a half since my dad died. I have been going to work every day since. Last night my boyfriend of five years told me that his mom has a brain tumor, but it looks benign so the doctors are just going to watch it. He told me the good news (that it appears to be benign) after he told me the bad, and I totally flipped out. It was so strange, because he was so calm about it and then he told me and I immediately broke down. And even though there is good news, it still freaks me out at little. Maybe it freaks me out because when the doctors kept telling my dad and us that he would be fine. The first round of chemotherapy according to them was just a “precaution”. Luckily my boyfriend’s dad is a doctor so the logical part of me says that his mom is in good hands. The emotional part of me is filled with dread. I think that feeling is totally illogical. Has this type of thing happened to anyone else? Normally, I wouldn’t have reacted so severely. I feel like I am balancing on a thin line of emotions, and I can be alright as long as I don’t vocalize stuff about my dad. When my boyfriend told me about his mom it was like a brick hit me in the face. I don’t get it.

Im sitting here listening to my mom take care of business in my dads old office. He died last Friday afternoon and it seems too soon. Shes laughing and giggling in there with co-workers and employees. How can she be so happy? I can barely concentrate enough to work. But Im here at least. My dad worked up until about 3 weeks of his death, and he would want me to trudge on as well. Its hard to be brave. I see him in places here that he would always be: in the lobby, sitting in his office chair, outside talking with contractors. But he isnt there, and he never will be again. I am so short tempered, I have to restrain myself from snapping and my mom usually gets the most of my anger. Its just that I am so mad at this, this situation. I hate my job, I stayed here to be with my dad… but now hes gone. I hate that he was only 49, and that he didnt want to die. As heartless as it seems, I hate my biological father for living on… the one who smoked, who abused, who neglected. But my true dad in everything but name in blood, had to suffer. Suffer for what? Suffer for loving too much? For being too good? I know he never ate right and thats a big part of it but it seems so unfair. What about me? What will I do? I told him I would be alright at the end but now I fear that that was just a lie. After I told him, he died 20 minutes later. He loved my mom… he loved her so much. I witnessed his love for 15 years. He was devoted. She constantly complained about him, ever since I can remember she would say things like, He bugged me so much that I told him Id marry him just so he would leave me alone. Or just a month ago she said to me, If I knew what I know now when I married him… She was always so negative… telling me that he ruined her finances and she never really wanted him anyway. And I told her just a few weeks ago that even though she didnt wish this to happen, a part of me finds it hard to be sympathetic when she spent half their marriage complaining to me about him. She never understood, right up until the end my dad told me she didnt understand what he was going through, and she didnt even try. He didnt say, she doesnt even try of course, because the fact was that he was so endlessly patient with her that he saw way past the bad things and possibly even made up things to get him through. The truth is, she wasnt nearly as dedicated to him as he was her. My mom told me maybe 5 months ago a phone conversation she had with my biological father. She called him up one evening when she was particularly down on my dad and asked, If anything ever happened and I was alone, would you take me back? My mom seemed contented in the fact that he said, Yes of course. But in reality what was the man supposed to say to a crying ex-wife who called him in what seemed a crisis? A little part of me said then that she was already planning her life after my dad and that part of me hates her for it. That part still holds true, because when I hear her so completely jovial and oblivious I wonder what she is thinking. I wonder if she feels unburdened now by my dads poor financial decisions and is glad she is finally free. Only time will tell I suppose, how she really feels. Her brother is still staying in the house with her. Maybe when he leaves and the house is finally quiet, she will act like this tragedy actually happened. Yesterday I went over there and I was so angry with her. I told her I didnt want to stay for dinner and she completely ignored me. Its like she is totally in her own world where she thinks she does no wrong. Her house is a disaster. Not only is it to the point where I asked her if she is becoming a hoarder, it reeks with the acrid smell of cat excretion. While I was staying there taking care of my dad it stayed pretty clean because I took care of a lot. But now, its back to its awful smell and disorganization. Before my dad got sick he helped around the house a lot but it was always messy and smelly. They have 5 cats, after all. I wish that she would clean because its so bad I couldnt physically force myself to even eat dinner over there. But my uncle is there and he sits in the house all day and doesnt seem to notice. Maybe it is just that when you are constantly around filth you forget how bad it is. I keep my apartment spotless so maybe it just seems worse to me. When my dad was dying and hospice came in to help, the social worker came and asked if we needed anything. My mom has always been reluctant to counseling or therapy so she didnt say how much we were fighting at the time. I told the social worker that we just couldnt get along and that it would be great to have some help to get us seeing eye to eye. After I said my peace, my mom spent the rest of the time bragging about how well she copes with things and the worst thing about it was the social worker believed her. It occurs to me that maybe the more stress my mom is under the more in her own world she is. I just want to get away, it is so hard to see her like this when I am hurting so bad. She doesnt care though, many times throughout this I have had to tell her to stop acting like this is only happening to herself. Even when my dad was suffering, she said that his suffering was harder for us than it was him. Its like she didnt realize how badly he hurt and how much he yearned to stay living. He was in such physical pain that morphine barely helped sometimes, and that doesnt even take into account the anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills, and nausea pills he was taking for his symptoms. Those are all the things I hate and I wish that I would get along with my mom. A part of me says to get along with her and accept her ways would be to kill my own ways and beliefs, morals, etc. When my biological father and she got divorced, she got remarried 3 months later to my dad because she wasnt able to cope on her own. She is a dependent creature, and I fear that she is going to do everything she possibly can to keep me here once my uncle leaves. I am only 23, I havent been to college, I havent even had a chance to follow my dreams. My dad wrote me a message to read after he died, and it said, You can do anything you want in this world and I hope one day you see it. I know my dad wanted me to follow and achieve my dreams. My mom on the other hand, doesnt feel like I should follow my dreams if they take me away from her. Honestly, I wish I could get away now. Going to work in the place I saw my father every day is harder than I ever thought it to be. It has made me realize just how much I put up with in order to spend more time with him. It made me realize how the little things he did like writing me notes that said things like, I love you Spikes (he called me spikes or spika for my nick-name), or when he smiled to me on the way to his office, or when he would sit at my desk and we would talk about nothing in particular; all those things and more made me realize how much they made my job bearable. I do have a boyfriend who I have been with for almost 5 years and luckily he works here too, although in a different building, but its not enough. Also, my mom doesnt seem to approve of my boyfriends and my relationship. He is 15 years older than me and while it doesnt seem like a big deal to us, she cant get over it. I have confronted her about it on several occasions but she always says, I like him, I never said I dont like him… But when my uncle got here about 2 weeks ago, he took me outside and had a talk with me. He started off by saying, I know you have a lot to handle right now and your mother can be very opinionated, for instance, when I got here last night after you left she asked me, what do you think of her boyfriend? but she told me if I ever so much as mentioned that we talked about him and you that she would skin me alive. He went on to say that from what he can tell, my boyfriend is everything someone would want for me. He then said, And I told your mother that too… but she said, He is too old for her. So I said, Well that isnt for you to decide. Your daughter is an adult, it is her decision. Now this type of thing doesnt change the way I feel about my boyfriend… my mom thinks she knows best but she just doesnt. It just hurts me that she would lie to me like that. And it hurts me that she would feel that talking about my boyfriend while my dad lay in a hospice bed is something of importance. Of course it hurts my boyfriend too, he wishes that it wasnt like this so it would be easier on me. He also feels betrayed because of the fact that I am so happy with him and my mom seems to want to sabotage it by never accepting him fully. It makes me resent her for not seeing the good man that I share my life with who would do anything for me… in fact he helped me care for my dad a great deal when I needed help and my mom couldnt manage to do it. My dad told me one day about 3 months ago how he felt about my boyfriend. In truth, my dad and my boyfriends relationship had been rocky in the past. Now I think the reason it had been rocky was because of my mom. As you can probably see, she has a really bad habit of talking about people behind their backs but acting totally friendly to their faces. Once, my mom even spread a rumor to my family that my boyfriend was abusing me. I was confused why all my family was coming up to me and trying to support me. I thought it was because my grandma was dying (both the rumor and my grandmas death happened at the same time), and little did I know until everyone had gone home. Anyway, my dad told me 3 months ago that he liked him like he was his own son and that he would do anything for him just like he would do for me. Its hard to think that the only one who supported our relationship like him is gone forever. I love my mom but all these things make me hate her too. And Im all shes got, and that makes me mad too. I dont know what she will do when my uncle leaves or how much she will need me. I am tired of her guilt trips and tired of how she only thinks of herself. All of these things piled on top of my dads death make me feel confused. I know the direction I should go now but how will I ever get there? I want to accomplish my dads top dream - for it is my favorite dream too - to own land and have a farm. I know he would love it if I could accomplish something that we both loved so much. How will I manage my mother and all these problems as well as my debt and ever get to where I want to be? I feel so bogged down… by life, by money, by sadness, anger, resentment, longing, emptiness, confusion, memories of my dad that sting like a fresh cut. I pray something good happens and takes me away from all this pain and all these walking memories. But I probably pray in vain… I will have to work and live here until Im 25 (thats when I have calculated that I will have my debt paid off and have enough saved to move), and that seems like too long, when the remaining hours at work here seem like days instead of hours, hours instead of minutes. I know I need to be patient, Im young, but so was my dad. I am trapped, and haunted. Maybe things will get better in time, but right now everything hurts so bad in all the worst ways. Its not like me to complain like this, normally I try to forget about the things I know I cant achieve right now. But when I am awake, I have nothing else to think about and the prospect of moving seems to take my mind away from all this heavy weight around my neck. Honestly, I am embarrassed by my frankness and I should have posted this anonymously. Sorry this is so long.