Wifflesnook

I have come to the conclusion that having lost my companion of fifty years, the person who made me what I was, the person who completed me, that without him I am become a different person, at least in public, and I'm not sure how many people are going to recognise this. I know people are hoping I will go to meetings and resume my normal life and I feel such reluctance to do this. I think it's this strong feeling of being utterly changed that is making me feel I can't go. Have any of you felt this? It's the reason I only want to be with people who have also experienced such catastrophic loss. It seems very negative on my part but I feel I have to do what my heart tells me and avoid occasions that make me feel upset just anticipating them.

Well it doesn't feel like I am doing well to be honest. I really think I am still in denial and am so terrified of bouts of crying that I try to avoid them and from what I've been told that isn't really helpful. But over the last fifty years of marriage I have never been alone to cry. Pete has always been there to hug me nd nothing has ever been so bad that he hasn't been able to comfort me. Now there is a huge void where he should be and though I talk to him I don't feel him with me. If only I could do that instead of the bleak loneliness. My local history group has a meeting on Tuesday and o e of the members wants to take me, she says we can leave any time. She will come back in our house at the end so I don't have to be alone. I am the chair but am stepping down. I feel I should force myself but should I? It will be an ordeal. Should I put myself through an ordeal at this early stage? My gut feeling is I should not. JAn

Dear Liz I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. Don't worry. You are not hijacking my thread. In the short time I have been posting here I know it doesn't work like that. We are all here for mutual support. Hugs. Jan

I always knew that life without Pete would be almost impossible (I would have said totally impossible but now I know I have to do it). Because from meeting each other 50 years ago we have become enmeshed in each other. Pete wrote a poem to me on one of my birthdays and it expresses this so well:- For Jan In all the years we've been together Long years that seem not years at all Our lives are now so intertwined Vines themselves could not cling closer. Each day I think I love you more Yes, more and more, it's true, I promise. On this your birthday I rejoice, Utterly glad the you're my wife! I'm lucky to have this, I know. but the vine metaphor is so telling and I feel like less than half a person now. Yes all our daily routine was based around each other even though we had separate hobbies. The weekends were different from the weekdays even though we were retired. We talked to each other constantly, shopped together, went to the local pub weekly for a meal, walked the dog, cooked together - everything revolved around each other. Now I don't know what day of the week it is. I used to be so busy doing local history research, being the local parish clerk, reading, writing, interacting with friends and neighbours. Now all those things seem pointless. I know I have to go on as how could I do otherwise. My sister died aged 40, 25 years ago and my brother died aged 60 two years ago. And my parents and parents in law have died. But none of these deaths really touched me because my life revolved around my beloved Pete. I just can't imagine how I am going to make a new life without him but if only I can feel him near me in some way maybe it will help? I am talking to him and have started a journal. I am carrying on with his moth trap and will look after the house and garden. You are so right that I can't be both grandparents. I will just try to be a really good grandma. Thanks. X

I dreamed about Pete last night. He came to rescue me when I was cycling and it was going to be dark before I got home a nd I had no lights. It just seemed normal. I wish I could dream about him every night so long as they were happy dreams. The house seems so empty this morning though. I escape into reading the newspaper on line or reading a book and it takes my mind off reality. I have decided I need to go to see our daughter and babies the weekend after next. I keep thinking of what a great grandad they have lost and how I must try to be both grandparents for them. I think this is helpful to all of us so long as I don't make it too negative a thought. This journey is so hard and I am finding it difficult to start the day here. It's 7.30 in the morning so I hope my friends in the states are sleeping well. Thanks for being there. Jan

I thought that my original thread was getting a bit long but didn't want to stop posting as I am finding this site so helpful. It's five weeks tomorrow since my beloved Pete died and I am still uncertain about where I am. I know I am still denying that he has gone but the wise words here have told me not to analyse my thoughts and feelings too much so I am trying to follow that advice. I emptied Petes moth trap this morning and tried to identify the moths. I talked to him whilst doing so and when I walked the dog. I made a folder on my computer with recent photos of Pete ready to put into a digital photo frame (mine is broken so I think I will buy a new one). I walked the dog again. I actually managed to sit in our little summer house which is a. Wonderful place but has always been our little haven togther. In the evenings in summer we sit in there with a candle and music and watch the moths coming into the moth trap (where they stay overnight and are identified the next day and released). I cannot imagine sitting there alone at night but in the day it felt good.the roof was repaired today by our local joiner/handyman and I talked to him about things and then for a moment forgot Pete was dead! It was a horrible moment as I have not felt like that for a while. I mean I always know despite the denial that he died, but for a moment I forgot. I have started a journal (again encouraged by things people have said here). I am trying to take care of myself by asking myself all the time What would Pete want me to do? I know I am not alone in my loss now I have found this site. It's really helping me and Mary especially is so wonderful and wise and despite her own heartfelt grief somehow reaches out to people like me. I am so grateful.

Thank you so much everyone. I know I will find support on this site. It's been another busy day looking after a toddler and a new baby and I do so hope my daughter will be able to cope if I go home in a week's time. But I so need to do that. I feel as though Pete never even existed at the moment. Ave any of you had that feeling? I met him when I was 19 and now I am 70. We have been inseparable fir fifty years and yet I can't imagine what it was like saving him close. I am finding this the hardest part at the moment. Maybe it's being away from home but I remember when Pete had the strike in November I felt the same. I visited him daily in hospital and he was pretty out of it much of the time. Before the stroke he was just as usual - loving, clever, lively. But I couldn't imagine him and it's the same now. I just feel as though he never lived. It's an awful feeling and I keep moving away from it. I want at least to be able to imagine him as he was so recently. My whole life revolved around him. Everything I did connected to him. If I let myself think about this too much I feel I would lse my mi d so I am just living in a sallow way right now. I don't think I am making sense to myself so I'm sure I not to you! J

Yes I know I need to be back at home and I long for it. My plan is to stay with our daughter for about nine days and then go home. I am hoping she will then come fir a long weekend and then I will come and go. As she is a single mother I am needed but neither of us should become too dependent on each other. Pete and I made or little cottage almost a representation of ourselves. Everything there is going to remind me of him and I hope I can find him there rather than there being an empty space. The unreality of it is so strange though. It sounds from what you all say as though ths is common and maybe it's protecting me? Pete and I ave a web site called wilgilsland if anyone is interested. I don't intend to touch it as I also don't intend to change anything at home and shall jst leave his cltges, possessions, computer until I can face dealing with them in some way.

Dear Cosel I read your profile just now and can see how we share similar losses. This is such an unbearable feeling I can't look at it straight. It's as though I am skirting around the edge if it all the time. I suppose it is a sort of denial. I think all that stuff bout the seven stages of grief etc is just a construct. If you have shared your life, your thoughts, your activities with a beloved person nd then they just disappear you feel the only reason who can share your feelings is that one person who you have lost. No. One else will do because he was the one who you turned to. My life revolved around Pete and although we had different hobbies etc we talked about them together. I cherished the evenings we sat with a glass of wine talking. And although we said hiw lucky we were we never expected to be parted right now..Pete had lymphoma three years ago but after surgery, chemo and radiation he was clear. A stroke was the last thing we expected. In some ways I wish we had known so we could ave talked about losing each other. But Pete couldn't bear to even contemplate life without me. I am glad it is me who suffers this rather than him. I am writing all this down and yet I still don't believe it's true.

Dear everyone The Farewell went perfectly but it felt as though I was in a film or something. And now I feel that I am playing a part and nothing is real. I am back with my daughter and her Toddler and newborn baby and we are very busy. But Pete would be here lifting stuff out if cars and supporting us in everything. I am so used to being a part of a couple and sharing a life and despite our daughter needing me (and supporting me) nothing seems worth bothering about. I should buy some summer clothes but why bother? I should get my hair cut but who cares? I just feel I have a huge black hole at the centre of my life and I am walking around it and sometimes I almost fall in. And since the black hole is where Pete should be I would like to fall in. The on,y thing that comforts me in a way is that no one else in the world had my Pete as their husband for almost fifty years. At the service I wrote that I read a poem by Siegfried Sassoon with a line I am rich in what I have lost. I thought Yes I am! But comforting words like that don't go far when your whole life is in ruins and will remain so. I know you understand and I will continue to post as on,y people who have suffered such losses can possibly understand this.

Dear friends tomorrow my darling husband Pete will be cremated. Before the committal we are having a celebration of his life. It will take place in a barn at a farm two door away from our cottage. I hope this service will do Pete justice. As we are Panthiests who don't believe in a personal God it will reflect our spiritual views. It has been a long and hard six months since Pete had a devastating stroke in early November. We had just returned fom a wonderful holiday in USA (we live in England). Pete was a healthy active person and ths came out if the blue. He was totally oaralysed on the left and couldn't swallow. He couldnt speak ckearly but cimmunicated by writing and his intllect was inact thiugh he was very sleepy most of the time. The doctors told me his quality of life would be very poor but I couldn't accept this. I drive 30 miles every day to see him and kept hopeful. He developed several chest infections and after the last one he doctor said no more antibiotics. Anyway I said I wanted him home. They said he needed 24 hour care nd should go ino a nursing home. I said no and they agreed I could have carers four times daily so I succeeded in getting him home. It was good though very hard work. I had to give him suction as he couldn't swallow. Two weeks ago Pete had to go into respite care because our daughter a single mother was having a second baby. The plan was for Pete to be there two weeks. However on the second day he got a chest infection and died. I feel totally bereft. We have been married fifty years and he was my true soul mate. I have a son and daughter and love them dearly but Pete was my entire world. I have to carry on fir the sake of my daughter nd grandchildren but nothing seems worthwhile. I have read some of your postings and I feel I want to talk to people who have suffered loss because how can anyone but you understand?