Wifflesnook

It's two months since Pete died and I feel worse rather than better. It's my birthday on Friday and my Pete would have made such a fuss of me. The cards he made with poems and photos for previous birthdays are on the walls of our little computer room. Signed off with All my love forever. I have to believe in the Forever don't I? I am in tears more often now than in the early weeks. I think it's sinking in that he has gone but I can't hardly bring myself to write that as writing it makes me feel I should confront it and I don't want to. My life is meaningless right now and I can't see how it will ever be otherwise. My deepest sympathies to you all as we are in the same bad place. Jan

That would be a great idea if mine were not an iPhone to which I am quite addicted and I don't like BBs. We used often to compare them! I did do something like that though. When Pete had the stroke I bought him an iPad in the hope he would use it. He did use it a little bit but not much. At Xmas he remembered to ask me what I wanted (:-)) and I said I wanted an iPad too. So he said get one, which I did. When he died I swapped and had his even though he didn't use it much I knew he had touched it. I wear his wedding ring and I am going to get a battery for his watch which has stopped and shall wear that too. Anything that has been close to him is powerful to me.

Today I am trying to sort out papers and it's so hard. I have been looking at bank statements from way back and various items bring back memories all the time. And now I have to cancel Petes Blackberry phone account. I should have done it ages ago as its costing me money but it's like a link with him, and in a daft way I suppose he will come back and want it. But I must do it as I can't afford to keep paying for it. Each action brings its own pain doesn't it? I just have to say to myself Others have felt like this, and feel an empathy for them in their grief too. That's why this forum helps I suppose. We all have to do these hard things. Hugs to everyone in these hard times. Jan

Oh! What can I say. What a fantastic poem. I am making a collection of poetry that speaks to me and that will be there. Thanks Mary. Jan

Ha! My hair looks ok. Better than it did. I wear it very short now and it needs regular cutting. Pete always used to find it weird that I don't have any grey hairs except just above my ears. His hair is lovely. Silvery white and very abundant. When he had chemotherapy four years ago after lymphoma he lost his hair and was most upset but it came back just as lovely. How I miss him. I have a comb he used and every morning I sniff it and can smell him. I hope the smell lasts but fear it won't. :-(

Oh Mary just when you need time to be quiet and rest people are calling upon you. You won't be able to help them if you don't step back and attend to your own needs will you? I know from the way that you have responded to me how deep is your empathy but it's clear that you can't keep giving too much out to others before you have attended to your own needs. Please look after yourself, and then you can look outside again, once you feel better. Many hugs. Han

Dear Babylady I can relate to so much of that. Fortunately for me I don't have health issues though I am 70. But I too used to be quite social and now I just want to burrow into our home and am frightened to go into gatherings of people. I can talk one to one to people (though break down easily when they are sympathetic) but do feel quite nervous about anything else. And shopping g without my Pete is so hard. He was always with me to carry the bags, talk about what we needed, make meals with me, make home made bread and cakes (he has a special cupboard full of equipment). Today I have to go and get my hhair cut (especially hard because the last time I had it done was the day he died in the nursing home when he was there just for two weeks whilst I looked after our daughter). I know I have to do this but when I used to come home after having my hair done he was there to say whether he liked it or not and make a joke. I am not helping you here am I? All I can say is I know how you feel and I know all we can do is carry on as there is no alternative. I am trying so hard to be grateful for having had my wonderful husband for fifty years. He chose me and made me so happy. And he knew that and he knew how much I loved him. We were truly soul mates and I have to believe that he is still alongside me somehow. I long for just some tiny indication of that but so far it hasn't come. And also I know that I am still in denial of his loss and all I can do is exist as well as I can. I am so sorry that you are in such a hard place. We can only think Others have felt like this, and reach out to each other in sympathy. Jan

Whoops and sorry. I thought I was replying g to a private message from Babylady. Can't think what happened there. Please ignore!

I live in Yorkshire on the coast in a village of only 30 houses, no shop and one pub. We moved here eleven years ago and have been very very happy here. Hen Pete had a stroke on November 7th, was in hospital five months, paralysed, came home and was cared for by me, went into respite care while I went to look after our daughter who. Was having a baby, and died.

Thank you for that file, Mary. I shall keep it. Jan

Thanks to all. Obviously I still feel the same. Yes I shower, brush my teeth, eat, exercise the dog but it's just going through the motions. If only we could just get our beloved ones back for even a minute just to make contact. I keep looking for ways Pete may be making contact. I don't have faith but I am open to anything. Tonight the dog found a box with a moth in it that I had forgotten. If she hadn't found this box the moth would have died. I released the moth and thought Ha Pete organised that! Well if this helps me it's ok isn't it? Other people may think I am going weird but I don't really care.

Dear Babylady I am so very very sorry about the loss of your soul mate. I lost Pete, my soul mate of 50 years, on May 4th and I am in a very sad place. I have found some wonderful people on this site and I hope you will correspond with them as I know it will help you. Yes people do say call me and they mean it but then they don't know when you need help but I would say try to keep in touch with anyone who says that. Ask them to do something that you know they can do, like shopping. They will be pleased to be able to do something definite and it may turn into regular support. And if there are several people spread out your requests as you will feel better about not burdening one person. People really do want to help but they don't know until you tell them, what would be helpful. Jan

What a wonderful custom to celebrate every month. What a bond you two had/have. Those of us fortunate enough to have been loved so deeply have to believe that love is still with us, Mary.

Dear Kay, encouraged by various comments on here I have started keeping a journal and every entry begins My darling Pete. I don't know if he can hear me but it helps me right now. I talk to him as I walk the dog too. It's a one way conversation but I know him so well that I know what he would approve of. Anything that is good for my well being would be good from his point of view. Right now I think all I can do is follow what I know he would want. Mary, your Bill sounds so lovely. Memories are good. I am finding this out. We never went in for talking about the past much be uase our present was so good. I must be grateful for that, and I am.

Thank you Mary and Lina. Yes it does help me to talk to someone who knows what I am going through right now. I will take care of myself even though it seems pointless as everything does right now. And I think you Are so right about parts of books being relevant and other parts not. Dazed is a good description of how I feel right now. I am amazed how I am walking about, eating, reading and sleeping when part of my heart, mind (soul?) are almost anaesthetised. Yes I do need to find meaning but cannot imagine how at the moment. The natural world has always been very important to us and if Pete is anywhere then he is there so I will try to connect with that as much as possible. You never know I might even feel him near me. I talk to him as I check the moth trap and as I weed the garden. I will think of you and Bill on Friday. It will be seven weeks on Friday since Pete died. As you say - so recent. Jan

I am struggling right now with the pointlessness of everything I am doing. This morning I got up and emptied petes's moth trap which I am trying to do. I have three moths to identify which I have to look up in the books before I release them. But when I do manage to identify them (or if) there is no Pete to tell so what is the point? And yet I have to keep myself active I suppose. I had a shower and washed my hair, but what is the point of that? No Pete to look nice for. Yet I know I must not let myself go. I will take the dog for a walk and listen to the radio whilst walking to block out negative thoughts. it's a lovely day here and Pete would so enjoy it. It's the summer solstice tonight and we always celebrate it in our little summer house with wine and candles. I have invited my neighbour Sandra to come and share it with me. I think Pete would approve of this. But I am just feeling so negative really, and simply going through the motions of living a life. I suppose the best thing I can do is just preserve a facade of being alive. I am reading a book called The widow's journey by Janet Wright I can relate to the earlier sections but she totally lostme when she got to the recovery stage. It's obviously way way to early for me to read about that and in some ways I don't wish to recover. I don't want to learn how to live without my soul mate. Sorry for this miserable moan but I know you will understand. Jan

Dear Sheryl, my experience is very similar to your own (see my earlier posts) a nd I so much relate to what you say. I too am still in denial and to be honest I want to stay there as whenever I confront the real world and believe my tee has truly gone I can't find a way to carry on. I don't yet believe he won't come back to me as our love is so strong I feel he wouldn't leave me. Hiw stupid and unrealistic is that? I have found this site so helpful in making me know I am not alone. Jan

Sorry of course you do have the same day. I haven't been reading properly. I feel for everyone who is like me sad about a loss of someone who is a fathe.

Oh poor Mary. So sorry you aren't well and hope you will soon be better. Kelbi our dog is in kennels for the weekend and has the runs but as I haven't heard any more I assume her tummy has settled down. Just bought a day bed from ikea for the new bedroom I am fitting out or our little Ellie who at two needs to go into a proper bed. It will be her own special room at Grandma's house. Tomorrow will be a hard day as its Father's Day in England (is it in USA?) I know we don't celebrate the same day from Mother's day. Our son and daughter will be very sad and as our daughter is a single mother Pete was also sent a Grandfather card too. Huge huge gap!

I too can relate to this. Before Pete had the stroke in November I was the parish clerk of our villages, the chair of a local history group and had other interests too but my life really revolved around my Pete and we spent loads of our time in the countryside, in our garden, and working in our field. Pete had the stroke and as soon as I could I resigned my job as parish clerk (only nominally eight hours a week but often more), asked the vice chair if the local history group to take over, and concentrated upon visiting Pete in hospital for five months. As he was so disabled there was no chance of his coming out but eventually they decided he needed to go into s nursing home. I insisted on him coming home and had him at home for five weeks. Then he died. Now I have no shape to my day. I do limited housework, walk the dog (thank goodness) and tidy the garden a bit. But basically I am floundering and I don't know how to fill my time which is such an unusual situation for me but presumably will continue for a long time. I don't want any new hobbies etc because I can't talk about them to Pete. I don't want to do anything. I think I just have to exist for a time but it's a hard place I am in. I miss my life partner and I will never be a whole person again.i know eventually I have to move forward but I also know that I can't do it yet.

Oh how I can relate to this. It has happened to me several times when I have gone out to do something I used to do before Petes death and came back and must have subconsciously thought I was going to tell him about it and suddenly realised he wasn't there. Like you the tears just wouldn't stop. Frightened me and I knw it will happen again and has to. I feel for you so much.

Oh thank you Mary. As usual you just get the right words, I totally go along with the tsunami metaphor as it was just so sudden today. I am sad all the time obviously and I suppose I get used to that but then out of the blue came this sudden awful realisation and I knew that really I had been living in a sort of denial world even though it hadn't seemed so and the veil was stripped away and I saw the awful truth of pete's death too clearly. I will just have to be prepared for these tsunamis which will obviously keep on battering at me. Yes this group really helps me because I have read so many of your stories and know how much you loved your partners and how much like me you feel about their loss. And basically we all have to cope on our own but we walk alongside each other in our grief.

I suddenly felt even worse than I did before. I hadn't realised this but I think subconsciously I have been thinking that this was a temporary stage in my life. I just realised for an awful moment that it was not. I don't know whether I can go back to the sort of denial stage or if this new realisation is permanent. It's awful. I've been out walking the dog, talking to people in a semi normal way, came back for a cup of tea and wham! Reality hit me and it's terrifying. And the weather has turned lovely and it makes the whole misery many times worse. Pete loves sunshine and in England we don't get enough. And this year has been particularly miserable but I don't mind as its clear that for me sunshine is worse (if anything can be worse). I feel totally and utterly lonely and nothing can help me but Pete and he can never come back.

I remembered reading a poem about going to places that you went to with your loved one and how painful it was, and also going to new places and how even more painful that was. I have tracked the poem down and it is by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I thought it might be meaningful to some of you as it is very much to me. I also include another poem by her. We read it at my brother's funeral two years ago. My Pete loved it but I didn't include it at his Farewell because we didn't have enough time for it. Sonnet 02: Time Does Not Bring Relief; You All Have Lied Edna St. Vincent Millay Time does not bring relief; you all have lied Who told me time would ease me of my pain! I miss him in the weeping of the rain; I want him at the shrinking of the tide; The old snows melt from every mountain-side, And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; But last year's bitter loving must remain Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide There are a hundred places where I fear To go,—so with his memory they brim And entering with relief some quiet place Where never fell his foot or shone his face I say, "There is no memory of him here!" And so stand stricken, so remembering him. Dirge Without Music I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground. So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind: Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned. Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you. Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust. A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew, A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost. The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,— They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve. More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world. Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Dear Harry I am going to keep this as it means so much to me where I am right now. Not yet a toddler but more a new born babe. I have yet to reach the toddling stage but you make me realise how far we all have to go when we have lost the love of our lives. I have little consciousness yet of where I am in this new and hostile world. But I have to learn to live in it because at the moment it is the only place I can inhabit. Jan