Wifflesnook

Dear Enna it's the same for me four months after my beloved Pete, my husband for fifty years, died. So far I don't have any freedom from pain and grief and I can't imagine it. It is either a deep dull ache or a sharp intensive one. I do believ people on this forum when they say I won't always be in this dark place but I cant imagine anything changing.i looked after Pete too and hard as that was it was better thn this absence. And I have been physically Il lately too which obviously doesn't make things any easier when your beloved husband isn't there to care for you. We have to keep going and that is all we can do right now. Jan

Dearest Mary I will get that book. I am searching very hard as I think it's the only thing that can keep me going :-( I managed to eat a small breakfast and a small lunch today which is a forward step. I also managed to get a small walk. Feeling rather frail and very sad though. Am starting to do meditation as maybe that will help me too.

Dear all The gp came and examined me throughout. My temperature was fine and my bp was ok. He couldn't find anything problematical when he felt my tummy and he said he thought it wasn't diverticulitis after all but a severe stomach bug. He suggested something to stop the diarrhoea, rest, no food if I don't feel like it and plenty of fluids. No hospital admittance. He said my immune system will be very lowered because of the grief and I was more likely to get something. I can't say I feel any better but am so relieved not to have to go into hospital. I feel he is right. I kind of wish he had suggested anti depressants but I will try to manage without them for the time being. Whilst I have been confined to bed ive been doing a lot of reading and listening about survival after death. Not being a believer in Christianity I've been lookimg at Buddhist beliefs as well as other spiritual paths as well as near death experiences. None of them give me much comfort because I want to put the clock back and any idea which makes me confront Petes death makes me turn away. Unrealistic but I know you will all knw exactly what I mean. Jan

The doctor is coming to see me today. He said i might have to go into hospital for tests. I suppose I might though I still wonder how much of this is psychosomatic. Am still feeling really bad. Well I have to wait to find out I suppose.

Dearest friends in grief I mentioned in another post how poorly I have been. Over a week ago I woke up with pain in my left abdomen and a general feeling of illness (that is an understatement). I made an appointment with the gp but in the end decided I couldn't get there and a neighbour called him out. I couldn't eat and just stayed in bed. He diagnosed probable diverticulitis and prescribed two antibiotics. I took them and felt if anything even worse as not only did I have diarrhoea but I was also vomiting. He took me off one. The diarrhoea continued but I carried on with the tablets. I stayed in bed as I didn't feel I could get up (this is so unlike me as since Pete died four months ago I have been trying to do stuff). Anyway I just felt wretched all the time. Then my little dog developed cystitis and there was no one to take her to the vet which is 9 miles away so yesterday I managed to get up and get her there. It doesn't seem to be a serious problem thank goodness. Anyway last night my neighbour who has been wonderful told me she thinks staying in bed is making me worse. I think I agree with her and I have to try to get up at least for a short time. My stomach is still painful and if it doesn't settle down I think I may have to go back to the gp. I still feel really ill and weak but the worst thing I think is how totally grief stricken I feel. My neighbour thinks my body and mind are connected and I do too. I know I have a genuine illness but I think it's being made worse by my intense grief which is kind of suppressed. I should be going to a family wedding today. The plan was for me to drive 80 miles, stay with our daughter a day, then drive her and her two little ones 130 miles to the wedding down south. We were staying at a lovely hotel for two nights. Everyone assumed I was lookimg forward to attending what will be a very happy family occasion. I knew I was dreading it. I'm glad I won't be going even though they will all be so sad I won't be there. I wonder if all these things are connected? To me feeling the illness it just feels like a physical illness but I know how mind and body are connected. I sometimes feel as though I might just be opting out of life by taking to my bed. I am going to try really hard today to get myself up even though I don't want to in the slightest bit. I'm wondering if anti depressants would help me? When the gp visited he said he didn't think so. And I agreed because what would they do? But if this illness is exacerbated by the grief maybe they would? I long to get back even to how I was before I got ill even though that was not in a good place. But at least then I got up every day, made myself a meal, walked the dog, saw my daughter every two weeks either by her coming here or me driving there. Lookimg back I was doing ok though totally overwhelmed by grief. Well thanks for listening and worth for " me" post but if not here where? Jan

Thanks Kay. I do have helpful neighbours thank goodness. This will pass. Jan

Thank you Mary. I've heard of him. I so need something like that. I will follow it up. Jan

Thanks mary and Enna Still feeling rather bad but Sandra my neighbour just made me a boiled egg and I ate it. Know I have to eat if I'm to get back on my feet. Jus got to get through this basically. Your good thoughts help. Jan

Dear friends Not a positive thing I am doing on my own. I am really poorly. The first time since Pete died five months ago. And in the seven months before that when he had the stroke I kept well. But now I have been in bed for four days with diarrhoea and vomiting and incredible tiredness. The gp has diagnosed diverticulitis and I'm on antibiotics. I never felt so bad in my life and I'm not being looked after by my beloved Pete as he would do so well if he were here. Obviously the physical illness is made much worse by my emotional wretchedness. I know some of you will have had a first time for this too. I suppose this will pass but right now I cannot imagine how. I don't want to slide deeper and deeper down which is how it feels right now. Any tips to someone going through her first illness without her loved one?

Dear Enna I know so well what you mean about not wanting to think that Jim's absence is permanent. This is where I am right now too. I suppose our minds won't let us go too deep and I suppose it's a helpful protection. I know that when it does hit me I am so deep in despair that I couldn't function like that and I would need help. So right now I'm glad that mostly a full awareness of my situation only comes over me sometimes. I want to try to build on remembering the good times and being grateful for what I has with Pete. I often think that I didn't know what pure happiness I had with him when I was living. At the time I experienced it as content. Now when I look back I see it was undiluted happiness. Maybe it's possible to recapture some to help me through this blackness? I know I have to get through it somehow. What a wonderful blessing at least, that we have found this forum where people underhand each ther so well. Jan

Oh Mary. How hard that must have been for you. And how brave of you to be able to sit there to support your friend. Yes, I think I have to 'go with the flow' as they say. I feel unbelievably sad all the time but when I get the tsunami feeling I realise that there is a worse feeling and I'm grateful that I dnt feel like that all the time. We aren't alone whilst we have each other. Jan

Am hoping for a better day today as yesterday was awful. Just got sadder and sadder and then sobs and tears. It seems as though much of the time I am living in a sort of semi denial world where I get up, eat, walk the dog, and read etc. then suddenly something happens to tear a veil away and I am left confronting the reality of losing my Pete. Really losing him. He has gone. And I can't cope with it. And then I managae to return to the semi denial world where I can cope. Do you know what, I mean? It's weird. I think right now it's better for me to be there than face the truth. Rationally I know the truth of course, but emotionally I don't. Jan

Yes I thought you would all appreciate it and clever 'Marty tracking g it down! I found the reference to it on a FB site I am one called Grief Beyond Belief. It's for people who are struggling with Bereavment who don't have faith. Sometimes there are some really helpful postings on it. Jan

I was directed to this by someone and thought it was good. It's written by someone called Snow. Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Dear all, I went to my local history group on Monday night and then to a meeting about saving an ancient barn yesterday. I longed to tell Pete all about it. He would have been so interested. A friend (male) dropped in on Monday and I realised whilst talking to him that he didn't have a close marriage (reading between the lines). This made me try harder to be thankful for what I had with Pete. That seems to be the only thing which helps me right now. The present is something I have to endure, and I can't contemplate the future. Reading books about grief is not helping me right now because after accepting how hurt you are they start talking about moving on and I feel a deep resistance to moving on as right now it feels like moving away from Pete and I want to move nearer instead. I began to write reminiscences but I think I made a mistake in choosing. I wrote about our meeting. As it was in 1961 it felt as though I was writing about two strangers as obviously we have changed since then! We have become like one person. I think I need to write about more recent memories. What do you think? Does it help you or did it?

Well I managed the visit to the pub. They have a little four year old which lifted the mood. But I can't say I enjoyed it because I don't seem to be able to enjoy anything whatsoever. My mood is either deep misery or shallow misery I think. Maybe one day ....

Thanks. It really helps having you all near me. Am going to local pub tomorrow night with some friends. First time time since last November when Pete had stroke. Very hard for me. I feel I need to do these things however hard and maybe next time?

Dear Kay Thank you for your thoughtful and sensitive reply to me. This is why I love this site. People like you respond to ME. You hear what I say. Oh what an affecting story about your niece. Thank you.

Yes it must be, because it seems so very odd to me. I have lived with Pete for so long, and am now having to exist without him. I think of him every second just about, and am deeply deeply wretched. And yet I still think deep down that this is a temporary thing and he will come back to me. Well, life is temporary and one day I too will die so perhaps both those things are true. But I am expecting them to happen differently I think. My whole understanding of life is different now, and I seek some way of connecting with him, even though I don't believe in the Christian story. I do feel there must be more, and that he can't have just disappeared entirely. I have had my daughter and grand daughters here this weekend. I have to keep myself together whilst they are here. It's so hard, but I do find this site a help.

Oh did you Kay? So I am not the only one to do that. It seems the only way I can do it. Morning here and I woke to deep deep grief. Mornings are the worst for me. I suppose we have to readjust every time we wake don't we?

Dear friends I had an awful night before it but the visit was ok. Me friend went with me. She offered to stay behind if I wanted to walk round on my own bit I wasn't ready for that. I just talked to her about the field and what we had done in it and didn't dig too deep. I find myself living at a shallow level and not allowing myself to think too much, and at the moment this seems to be my way of coping with the loss of Pete,. Marty it is a sort of denial which acknowledges my loss at one level, but not the full impact. I don't know exactly what I mean except that if I allowed myself to truly know what had happened I couldn't take it right now so although I think about nothing else but losing Pete, I do it at a shallow level. It's weird but I think this is all I can cope with right now.i am glad I went as the paths had been cut really well and this weekend I think I shall take our daughter and her two little girls whilst the path is short, I had thought I would never be able to go again so this is a good step I have taken, though it doesn't feel in any way like a healing step.

Thanks Marty and Anthony I can't sleep (one am here) so saw your replies. I found them helpful and wise. I think I will cope and will have support and I know I have to do it some time. Maybe it will help. I just don't know. Thanks. Jan

Tomorrow I have to do a really hard thing. Pete and I bought a two acre field in 2002. We love this field. We decided we would run it as a small nature reserve. We cut paths, planted trees, enlarged the pond. Every year we went and cut the paths for wild life and in order to walk around easily. The last ime we were there was in October 2011 when Pete went and cleared the pond and I helped him. In Nvember Pete had the stroke. In May 2012 Pete died. I haven't been to the field since we were there together, but I knew I needed some one to cut the paths so I asked someone I know. He has now done it and today he told me he had and said he would Ike me to go and look tomorrow to see of it was ok. I was totally shocked at the thought of going. He said Maybe I need a push? I agreed but decided I needed a friend to go along. She is coming. As someone whose son was killed six years ago she totally understands where I am right now. So I am going. Since agreeing I have been in tears for most of the time. I just hope I can cope. I know in my bones that as a person in denial about Petes death the reason I dont want to go is because if I go without him I may for the first time truly know that he is dead. That may sound stupid. He has been dead for four months but I don't believe it yet. Tomorrow I may have to believe it (or maybe not?). I'm not sure if I can stand the reality. Do you know what I mean? I think I have to go through with this somehow.

It's my Pete's birthday tomorrow. I shall be alone. I spent our 50th wedding anniversary with our daughter two weeks ago but decided to do this alone. But I woke this morning feeling not only emotionally sick but also physically ill. No definite symptoms, just ill. I haven't felt like this before ( it's almost for months since he died). I have a dog I have to walk and things to do to prepare for our daughter coming to stay but I can't get out of bed. I know I have to. Maybe ts something to do with knowing its Pete's birthday tomorrow. I don't know but I feel wretched. Jan