Wifflesnook

Dear Kay Thank you for sharing your anniversary with us. We have to cherish our happy memories. Jan

I am meditating daily now and I think it will help me. Concerning music Anne, I still can't bring myself to play any of our collection as even thinking about them seems to make my eyes prick with tears as they are all shared (but so are yours and you get comfort). The thing about music is that it bypasses the mind and goes straight to the heart and I'm not sure that I can take it. Maybe I should just try? It like some other things I contemplate doing on my own and I hear in my head a shout of NO NO. Like when I was getting my engagement mended last week and the jeweller asked me if I would remove my wedding so she could check what carat it was. I almost shouted NO NO. And of course I didn't do so.

Thank you. Anne. I will look at all of them. Jan

Mary, thank you for those links which I will follow up. I am home now after a week away. I drove to Leeds where my daughter and grand children are, last Wednesday. They are a joy but hard work to say the least. , We went on a mini break to Center Parcs from Friday to Monday with my son and daughter in law so six of us altogether. Lovely place with wooden cabins set in pine forest. I had a full body massage on Saturday afternoon, only the second one in my life and it was lovely. On Sunday the little girls were cared for by their uncle and auntie and my daughter and I had a Spa visit. It was fantastic. Almost three hours of relaxation. On Tuesday before I came home we went into Leeds city centre and I took my engagement ring which had got very thin (50 years old) to be thickened. This was HARD as I know when I get it back my Pete can't replace it on my finger. I returned home yesterday and in my heart I think I expected Pete to be here waiting for me. Well in a sense I suppose he is because he is nearer here than anywhere else. Anyway back to the mindfulness. I sleep very fitfully since Pete died (well since he had the stroke last November actually) and when I wake in the night I tend to listen to speech programmes on the radio or ipad. But I have concluded that this isn't good for me as it might be contributing to my poor sleep patterns. My sleep is shallow, so last night I tried a mindfulness Buddhism site and whenever I woke I listened to that. Not sure if I slept any better but I shall carry on and shall visit Mary's links. Your account of the meeting with the woman in the group was so poignant. So much sadness around us sometimes. I think back to how happy and blessed I used to be and wonder if I truly appreciated it whilst I had it, but then again I know we kind of did even though we didn't constantly say how lucky we were. And if we had thought about that too much it might have spoiled our enjoyment of the NOW. I know I have to find some way of dealing with this awful grief and yet at the moment I don't want to go forward as I'm terrified of losing any link I have with Pete. I still feel that if I am wretched at least I am close to him, and everything I read suggests that this is nt the best way to think. But maybe I must just go with the flow. My grief counsellor comes this morning. I can talk about Pete to him which will help I suppose. Whillst away I didn't really get chance to talk about him. There was me thinking about him all the time and no one else apparently doing so. But grief is a truly solitary thing in a way (though not on this wonderful site, where we can share it). Thanks for reading this my dear friends, if you are. I wish I could say something more helpful to others but maybe my time will come? Jan

Anne (Enna) What a wonderful post. It is 7 am here in the UK and I'm on a mini holiday at Center Parcs with my little family. I have just made a coffee and am in bed with the wo year old. No one else s stirring. I can't respond right now but I just wanted to reach out to you and say how much that post meant to me. Since arriving here I have had many ( private) stabs of pain because Pete should be here with his family. I don't share them with the others as what is the point in bringing them grief too. But here in this wonderful community I know I can. Must fly now as I should get people a morning cuppa. But thanks Anne. Jan

How true Enna when you say we will never be finished with this until we are with our loves. How much there is to learn about grief! And most of it is bad, but I suppose there is some good there somehow even though its hard to see it. One good thing is finding people who share it with us though none of us would wish to be here in the first place. Like Mary I have ordered a book by Dr Eben Alexander who survived a near death experience. His story is amazing. It gives me hope that this life is not all there is. I listened to him and when he was asked about what religion he now espoused he said None really because all of them are different ways of interpreting the after lfe. This seemed right to me though I lean towards the Buddhist view myself. But whAever path I know I can't live in this world without hope and that hope is that somehow Pete and I will be reunited in some way. Jan

Dwayne, what a lovely way of putting it. Since I lost Pete my views of his survival somehow have totally changed and anything like that gives me hope he has. Jan

Wow Enna that sounds like a very complicated experience altogether. And as to analysing it I haven't a clue. Yes crying and laughing are very close. And she doesn't sound as though she is the right masseuse for you IMHO. Sharing with anyone is hard and although it was very important to tell her I get the impression that she didn't react to you in the right way. Don't give up. I too am due to have a massage when I go on holiday to Center Parcs at the weekend. I've only ever had one before but am not sure about this. I don't care what I look like these days. I don't think this is good but there it is. But a massage is supposed to relax us so I hope it will do that. But yours Enna doesn't sound to have been very effective. As to your last remark about the shrink well NO WE DON'T THINK THAT!

Dear Cindy I read your messages and so felt for you. You are with people here who truly get it. We are all alone in our grief but sharing it with others who tread the same path does help a little bit. I can't share with my family because their loss isn't the same as mine. Anne I am where you are in so many ways. I am stabbed with pain all the time because the house is all about Pete and me. Every thing I see and do makes me miss him all over again. There are places around here I still can't go to. We used to go for a meal to the pub down the road every week and it was a lovely part of our week. I have been once but it was so hard and I don't want to repeat it. I can't go to our field (again I have been once but it's too painful to think of). We used to go to Beverley, a little town where Pete was brought up and I couldn't possibly go there. I've been asked to stay for a weekend with William our son and his wife but I can't do that. S many things I can't do. I'm going on holiday with the family from Wednesday and I don't want to go at all, I don't know what I want to do except hole up here and think about Pete all the time. I know that my reaction right now is to be expected. It's only five months since Pete died and just coming up to a year (November 7th) since our happy world collapsed when Pete had the stroke. My world is gone and I can't adapt yet. Like you Anne I am retired and more or less the same age as you. I start this online archaeology course this week but right now it's making me feel more hurt because I am realising I can't share it with Pete. We shared everything and so the pain just stabs and stabs and stabs every minute (or so it seems). That remarks about heart and mind was an interesting one Anne (Enna). Sometimes I think I am analysing too much and writing here makes me do it more, but I think this is one of the ways I deal with this grief (though dealing with it doesn't seem the right word as it makes me think I am solving it and I am not). The sharp pangs àre what we have to bear alone. Talking about them afterwards maybe helps us? If this site were not here I think I might have lost my mind. I know journaling is recommended and I do it, but here we get feed back. I feel I know you all and am among friends. Ok I am self absorbed right now but as Mary says we are very early on this awful path.

Oh thank you so much for the remarks about Kelbi. I nearly didn't share this even though it was so important for me as I felt kinda ashamed on her behalf and my own. As I said it was quite traumatic for me. It had been building up for some time (not the biting but the dominance) and in a way I'm glad it happened as it needed to be dealt with. I feel quite confident I can sort it now. The trainer will come back after my holiday if I want him to and I may well ask him. Mary, we did take Kelbi to classes when she was a pup but we had to drive for almost an hour to reach them and the same back and when we got there all we did was walk round and round this big room and we on,y kept it up about six weeks. One of the penalties for living in a remote area. Anyway this is a new challenge for me. Neil suggested that when I wake and let Kelbi out of the crate in the kitchen where she sleeps I don't greet her but just lead her out into the garden to wee and then I fuss her. I did that this morning and it was rather hard but I must follow his advice. I have to let her know that I am the important person in this house and not her. It will be worth it but it goes against my normal reactions. Kay When I shout at Kelbi she doesn't get all sorry but reacts rather challengingly. She is a very assertive dog said Neil. And she was trained to be a working dog and f course she doesn't work! I have a way to go, but I am determined to change my habits. As Neil said its me that has to be trained. But I love her so much and since Pete died she has saved me in some ways because I would never walk out on all these lovely walks around here on my own. So now I have had help (and thankfully so quickly) I feel more optimistic about her. I wish I could post pictures as I would put one up of her. Don't know how to do it. Wen I look along the bar I can't see anything that says add images.

I had a dog related thing today that I hope now has a happy outcome. My Kelbi is a field spaniel and has always been what we have called a 'challenging' dog. She is very boisterous despite being seven now and a terrible thief. Well to cut a long story short on Friday she behaved very badly and stole my friends sandwiches and when I tried to sort her out she growled and then when i grabbed her and tried to get the sandwiches she bit me. This was a horrendous shock for me. I knew that I was not alpha in our house. In fact I knew that I wasn't dominant enough. But this was just awful. I thought I would have to find her a new home if she was to turn on me like that. I was VERY UPSET. anyway I thought I must get professional help. I managed to find a dog trainer and he said he would come this afternoon. He did and I liked him a lot. I explained that Pete had a stroke last November and died in May. That for all that time Kelbi had been having a difficult time, as whilst Pete was in hospital I was hardly at home and neighbours were letting Kelbi out in the garden etc. and when Pete came home for five weeks I neglected her because I was looking after Pete. And then he died and she went into kennels for a whole month, and since then I have not been my usual self (understatement of the year). Well he met us and Sussed out the situation quickly. Kelbi is an attention seeking dog and grabs everything she sees in order to get my attention. I can't leave anything hanging about anywhere and she doesn't take enough notice of me. This chap said she is a lovely dog and has a lots of excellent points but I need to change the way I relate to her. Losing one of the pack will have upset her. And I am probably making more fuss of her now and that may not be good for a controlling dog. And she is at the moment more in control of things than i am. He recommended an aerosol spray which just releases a freezing blast whenever she grabs things she shouldn't (it doesn't hurt her, just makes her realise she is doing something unacceptable). He also gave me a load more tips on training. He thought she would be easily turned around. This is such a relief to me. I love her and she is a very affectionate dog. The bite was an awful shock but partly my fault for the way I badly reacted to the situation (I am sure that those of you with dogs will now be thinking that your dog would never bite you and I daresay you are right). But anyway we have always known that we had an alpha dog but have allowed her too much of her own way. So I am retraining myself to be a dominant person (nor easy). So that was my day today apart from trying to sort out some of my clothes (a hard thing because when I look at certain clothes I think about wearing them when my Pete was with me). If its that hard to sort out my clothes I can't imagine how hard it will be if I ever sort out Pete's, which are totally untouched apart from the ones that didn't get washed and that I cuddle up to. Well sorry for this long post but its been a traumatic day (what is new!). Dearest Kay I hope you are having a good birthday. I find your posts so helpful. Jan

Oh thank you Mary. Actually my brother Jonathan, who went blind when he was about 50, died after falling down the stairs (I think probably drink related actually) and my subconscious may have been picking up on that, though I can't remember thinking about it yesterday. Yes I daresay I will enjoy (if that is the right words these days) my time with the family. I was talking to one of my friends about how I feel and explaining that I do not expect to feel better but hope I may cope better. And thought "maybe people think it is a process. Maybe they see it as a progression. If it were we would be improving as we walked along a road where we learnt how to deal with things. But actually it seems to me that its more like re-living the loss of our loved one every day. Because every dreadful pang of grief doesn't make the next one easier to bear. Each one seems to hit us afresh every time. Just because we felt so sad yesterday doesn't innure (right word?) us to the next time." I seem to find myself having to cope with pain after pain after pain. I just read a review of Joyce Carol Oates book on losing her husband 'A widow's story'. This is a quote:- Joyce Carol Oates's A Widow's Story is a memoir of the months that followed the sudden and shocking death of her husband, editor Ray Smith, of complications from pneumonia. It is a beautiful, amazing, and (seemingly) brutally honest account of the chaos into which this devastating loss throws her emotional and professional life, indeed her very "personalization." When such a loss occurs, one is broken into an experiencing self and an observing self: the one who feels, the other who watches and analyzes. The division between these two selves can make every action, every response feel inauthentic - but JCO scrupulously represents how both of these personalities experience the death. The resulting account evokes a rare poignance and sorrow, as the author mourns not only her missing husband - for 48 years an essential part of her life - but also her sense of security as an individual and her consequent preoccupation with suicide (and use of anti-depressant medication). The bit I focused on was 'one is broken into an experiencing self and an observing self: the one who feels and the one who watches and analyses' This is so me at the moment. I feel, and I also watch myself feeling. In some ways I don't like this. I want to just feel. And yet if I didn't observe myself maybe I couldn't even cope right now. Having read the reviews I don't think I shall order the book. I loved A year of magical thinking by Joan Didion, but I'm not sure that the Oates book would help me.

Dear Mary I so know what you mean about not liking being too busy. Next week I am driving to Leeds on Wednesday, staying with our daughter and her little girls Until Friday and then driving us all down to Center Parcs for a long weekend with our son and daughter in law. This is supposed to be a treat but when I think of it my heart sinks at the thought and I just want to stay here and be quiet. It's as though the grief process takes up all your energy despite the fact that we are actually doing no more than getting up, eating, washing, walking the dog and so on. And your life at the moment sounds VERY busy. Heck you do live in a cultural centre! Here, near Spurn Point, which is a bird sanctuary we have our own busyness but its people flocking from far and wide in the migration season (which is now) to see birds passing through. It gives the place a holiday air. Pete and I have always preferred it when it was quiet but it's ok to see people enjoying our area. Last night I dreamed about Pete again but it was a bad dream as it ended by him failing down the stairs and I could see it was a bad fall. I forced myself to wake (funny how sometimes you can do that ) so that I could get back to reality, but of course reality was worse if anything :-( I hope that everyone has as good a weekend as possible. These days I don't even know what day of the week it is usually. My timetable such as it is, is a daily one and not a weekly one any more. Wen Pete was alive we did have a regular weekly timetable, punctuated by nice things. I so admire those of you like Missing You who manage to go to work whilst in such grief. It's so hard and your beloved ones would be so proud of you for the way you are carrying on. Jan

Dear Anne Good for you. We do need to reach out to others if we can. I did my bit today by inviting the elderly lady I picked up to take to her caravan to have a cup of tea with me. She is the lady that I let down and neglected a few weeks ago (though to be fair to me I was ill). I too am totally self absorbed. I think about very little but Pete and his death and how lonely I am without him. Distractions are listening to the radio while walking the dog, watching tv programmes, and not much else. Yes my mind is cluttered. And if Pete were here we would talk it through as we talked everything through. I shared all my thoughts, worries, bright ideas etc etc with him. Where do they go now?

Wow Kay. So you wrote to everyone? I don't think I can do that but I suppose in my Xmas cards I can say thanks. Can't bear to think about sending Xmas cards on myown though. I bet most of you were like Pete and I and did them together. In recent years we had a great system with one of us doing the inside and the other the address. Typical of those of us who have done so much stuff together. Yes it's so very very lovely to have that video and there will be others as we used to film the scenery around here and his voice will be on them too. It's NOT ENOUGH but I'm glad I have things like that. And every day now I go I to our bedroom where the urn with Pete's ashes is, and I meditate and then imagine i am in of the many places we liked to be and try to bring him into my memories. I cry usually and then I read one of his poems to him. I think this is helping me in a way. It's a special time which I put aside for him and me. I don't know how long I shall do it (and I don't do it slavishly every day). Jan

Mary, these memories are so precious and so heart breaking. Yesterday I decided I needed to find the huge envelope full of sympathy cards sent to me when Pete died because it included some letters from people who worked with Pete many years ago. I never replied to them and they were lovely letters. I remember hearing of someone who wrote to every single person who sent a sympathy card but no way could I do that, and most of them were people who I saw regularly anyway. But these letters were from people far away. So I have them now and it's a task I must tackle. Also (and this is such a massive thing for me), I was looking through my files taken off my computer that has crashed and now on a spare hard drive. And I found a little video Pete made as a joke about how you prepare a pineapple. On the computer it was all jumpy so I remembered we had uploaded it onto YouTube. I spent an hour looking for it, on youtube by putting pineapple into the search, withoit success, but then remembered my log in nàme, went in and THERE IT WAS! He was talking all the way through it and at the end he looks at the camera and smiles! Only the day before I had been telling him how hard it was that I had forgotten his voice and there it came as the answer to my request. Oh it's so wonderful I can't describe how marvellous it was to hear his lovely voice. Now I have to try to find the original in a good state and if I can't do that to see. If I can download the video from YouTube. I feel as though I want to watch it ALL THE TIME but I think I had better not do that. I have so many photos but its his voice that I found so wonderful. Jan

In our little field Pete planted lots of trees, oak, maple, willow, crab apple. And for our 40th wedding anniversary in 2002 our son and daughter in law bought us an oak. All These trees except one have flourished because Pete planted them so well. I have only been able to make myself visit the field once since Pete died but I have someone who is cutting the path around it for me. The natural world is so important to Pete and me and I have to take comfort from it as much as I can. It's so poignant and bitter sweet isn't it? We all on this forum seem to be touched by these things.

Kay see my post on another thread. I too dreamed last night. Wouldn't it be great if we could dream about them often? We would look forward to our dreams then. Anything is better than nothing.

That blog post really got me in my deepest heart. How I could relate to it. Her need to believe and yet reluctance to do so is just the way I feel. Thanks Marty and also Anne for those links. I shall follow them up. Yesterday I began reading a book by David Fontana called Is there Life after death? It seems quite convincing. Ad the DVD I had sent up for of Shadowlands came and I watched it last night. It's a very poignant film and I may read the book it comes from. I asked Pete for a sign when I meditated yesterday and read a poem and last night I dreamed that I had been given a second chance (which is what we all keep wishing and know we can't get). He wasn't dead and I had another chance to be with him. It was good while it lasted but then I had to wake up. :-( Yes the loss of touching and hugging is so hard. I am wearing one of Pete's pullovers which hadn't got washed. It's huge on me as he was six feet and I am just over five feet. And I'm thinking If I wear it too much it won't smell of him any more and anyway it will get all grotty. I touch the walls and the doors that he touched trying to get some contact with him.

Yes Kay I have followed your story and I know what a rocky path it was. It's a horrible story. I think it's made you even more able to help people like me, and it sounds as though you do carry your beloved George with you which insprires me to think I can do the same. I hate being where I am and I am still kind of fighting against it all the time, when rationally I know I have to accept it. I have looked at other grief sites and none of them remotely get close to this one. What is it about the HOV forum that brings such lovely people together? Is it the wise guidance of Marty who manages to steer it so well? There are such lovely people (like you) who help us so much. I can't express properly how much I appreciate you. Love Jan

It's so sad when the people we love just don't seem able to give us what we need. I have no brother or sister alive, but I have a son and a daughter. My daughter, a single mother, has a two year old and a baby and isn't able to do much for me (its the other way round) but she is warm and loving. My son, who is married but with no children, and won't be having any, just doesn't seen able to reach out to me. I don't think he has the temperament to do it. I think he is doing his own grieving for his Dad but it doesn't involve me. So I have some friends who I can turn to and this forum but sometimes I wish I had more because the lack of my loving Pete in my life has left a gap so huge it can't be expressed. I suppose we all have expectations of how people should be, but unfortunately they don't always come up to those expectations. And we don't want to tell them how to behave. We want it to come naturally. I'd love to be able to reach out to my son as I think we would bith benefit but it isn't going to happen. We may not be geographically close to each other on this forum, we may not be able to exchange hugs with each other but we surely do understand.

Thanks for that Kay. You always have wise words for those of us new on the path. Did you feel, like I do, that you didn't want to become used to this new and lonely life? Today i thought "if I begin to get used to this new life it will take me further away from Pete and I don't want that. I want to stay close to him and that means staying as close to how I feel about his loss as I felt right at the beginning" . I want him to be a part of my life still even though he isn't physically present. I don't want him to be in the past. I am beginning to have a routine which doesn't include him and I hate that. I loved our routines when we were together. They defined us and now I'm terrified of losing that contact. When you and Mary and others write about your loved ones you seem to have managed to keep them with you somehow. I want to be able to do that. Jan

Dear Mssing Him Have you looked at the web site Widow's Voice? Quite a few of them, sadly, are young, and you will find some wise and empathetic words there. Jan

Oh you are so young to lose your love and I'm so sorry. When we meet our soul mate we put ourselves into their arms and become one person and we trust that we will be together for ever. I am so sorry that he died too young and I hope you can find a connection with him despite that. I am searching all the time for a way to keep him near me. So far I'm not doing too well but I still hope he will show me he isn't far away.