KATPILOT

Yes JayNTeeforalways, you must feel numb. This is so recent and how difficult it must be dealing with things in the state you are in. Our thoughts are with you and when you start to get back to a routine which will be anything but normal, you will find comfort here reading and speaking with those who get it. Yeah, minute by minute, step by step, and then day by day.

Nice to read this scba. Thanks for sharing it and how you see things.

I know what you mean by the fear of having lost the ring Mitch. I wore Kathy's ring on my neck during that first year and one day I realized it wasn't there. I was devastated for hours looking anywhere I had been only to find it that night when I took off my shirt and it fell to the floor. While some remove their rings, like you I keep mine on. In fact, from the first day she slipped it on, you could count the time I have had it off in hours. I like to think that it will always let anyone know, I'm taken.

The pain you feel about losing Tammy may indeed never end but the time you feel such anguish will diminish. It won't mean you love her less, but it will tell you you are surviving and adapting to this new way of life. I'm 4 1/2 years now Mitch and I still love my bride every bit as much. But, I'm still alive. I'm still going on trying to experience everything I can as we would have together.

Life didn't end for me even though I wished it would have. Today, I'm cool with living on. And Mitch, I'm never ever truly alone, even if grief still comes and bites me in the ass once and again.

I hope to see you in this place one day though you may not think it possible right now.

I agree strongly with kayc. If you can get them, get them. Keep them safe till one day in the future you can decide what you feel is right. You'll know what to do. Sadly you are not the first nor will you be the last to have such experiences with family members on the other side. I still regret doing some of the things I felt pressured to do.

Once you make the decision by pressure or guilt, remember that you can never take it back. Good advice I'm thinking.

I truly understand that work motivation Mitch. I had medical bills up the wazoo. I wonder sometimes how I had the ability to actually work. If I hadn't been so destroyed by the loss at four months, I would have been scared of the financial thing.

Somehow, I kept working and two years later I was out of trouble. Counseling and this tribe of wonderful individuals helped for sure but something about my connection and development with Kathy kept me fighting. I knew she was still in my corner. Perhaps that strength will find you too.

You are right about what you said of being depressed. Yes, who wouldn't be. Yes it's empty and horrible but you are wrong about the last part. It does get better. You may not agree right now but you will one day.

Remember, Tammy is still in your corner.

It also helps sometimes to remember that we are not the same people we were before we met them. We evolved, (morphed if you will), into the person we are today, a combination of two people. A piece of them is inside us. What we do and decide is partly influenced by living with and loving them for all that time. Every thing you do is effected by Tammy. This simple truth makes grocery shopping a lot more easy for me and that's just one example.

No my friend it does make sense. There is no way one can walk away from such an event clean and without second thoughts. Just not possible.

The truth is and always will be however that it wasn't you that made the choice nor was it you that put this whole plan into effect. One day you will realize this simple truth and be at peace. It just takes time and almost all of us have gone through that "what if". One of the most important phases of grief is guilt. It's just part of the journey, a sad, anguishing journey.

Stephen

Dear scba I am so sorry for what you are going through and It's so very true that age has nothing to do with it. September is not all that long ago. The journey is a hard one but you will find support and tools to help you here. Coping is just one day at a time. Your lack of enthusiasm over the good news happening around you is typical of one in the place you are now. Maybe just a little numb? Perhaps still in a bit in shock? No matter what, you are no different than any other widow. You have the right to grieve just like the rest of us. Time and small steps is how it must go. We who have been on the road longer understand that more clearly now. As for me, I was once as you describe yourself now. Many of us had to put on that brave face to work. It's not easy and in my case, I would collapse when I got home but most people around you don't or won't get it as you will read here. Go to the one's that do get it. Kayce has a good suggestion of finding a grief support group. If you have trouble , please know there are many here in this very big family. It's a good place to come even late at night or the wee hours. It helped save my life too.

Marty,I like the article "when others fail to meet our expectations". It's helps our perspective, and it is so very true.

Mitch, to post that quote speaks a lot to where you are and where you are going. It speaks to all of us.

One day at a time buddy. One day at a time.

On our first trip together, I took Kathy on my boat off Point Loma. I remember her face. I remember kissing her. I remember her leaning against me as we sailed along. It was so quite and peaceful, just the water lapping at the hull, almost as if you could just stop time and live forever in that moment. I hadn't thought about that for a long time till I saw this thread. All of your memories are so delightful to read and it's so good to remember the happy. Great thread Dew's Girl.

I was going through another sad time which happens every now when I hit a cluster of triggers. Then I read this Anne. It made me feel a lot better. It speaks to so many of us who waited a lifetime for that special person only to lose them after too short a voyage.

Thank you for sharing this.

Stephen

There never was going to be an easy time dealing with the loss of your father and it happened so recently too. This is a time when emotions run high and although you felt that you honored your dad every day of the year, Father's day will always be a trigger moment. I hope you can keep him first in your thoughts knowing he is still with you and always shall be a part of you.

Thinking about you today Kay. Never is an easy one but the deer rings so much of a sign which happens when you need it the most.

Welcome Micki. I am sorry for the reason you came but glad you found this site. It has helped me and after four years, I can say that I have survived if not yet a survivor. The journey continues and soften filled with potholes but hanging "around people who "get it",........... that helps a lot.

Josh you are in the midst of an incredible pain and I am so sorry for your loss. It's good that that you found your way here and sharing your life helps for sure. I hope you can hold your daughters tight in your life and find comfort while giving it.

Life is not always fair and words cannot always help but our thoughts are with you.

Father's day takes on a different feeling when we dads try to make a day of it with our own children yet thinking about our fathers who have gone. I had it in mind to celebrate it with my sister and my son who is without his kids for two more months. We were planning on dinner at my dad's favorite restaurant because this year it falls on his birthday as well. Sadly I just found out that the place is gone. Yup closed forever which is weird as it has been there since before I was born. It reminds me how things change. How things don't last forever. That includes people too. I sure wish I could wrap my head around that reality.

I guess we are all in the same boat but while I hear so often that change is good, it seems the older we get, the more difficult change can be. I so wish that five years ago I could have thrown out the time anchor and kept things exactly as they were. I know it's dangerous to think this way, but damn it, that was the happiest I had ever been. It was that perfect moment in time. I could even give you the day and the month.

So I apologize for slipping into that place of self pity. It happens. I'll be cool in an hour or so. Here's to all of us this weekend as we honor those very special people.

Our fathers.

When I go out tonight with my son for dinner, I will raise a toast. "Happy Birthday George"

Suzanne you haven't screwed up. It is very important in grieving that we understand how hard it is to make decisions and think clearly or even research options.

One thing we should remember is that we don't have to hurry to make decisions. Grieving souls need more time to gather their thoughts and make the best decisions. Also remember something I read in a book for the newly grieving and that is that you are not a bank. People will pressure you sometimes to do things when you are the most vulnerable.

As for Ric. Truly you must know that he loves you and anger just has no place on the other side. I think the picture falling is simply a sign that he is with you while you need him the most. What has happened will work out. You did the best you could do and the sisters will understand that in time.

That is simply the most loving picture......thank you and Ric for sharing it.

Good for you bcb. I hope you have a good evening. I too go out on my wife's birthday and celebrate....perhaps she might be tagging along but the point is to honor them and their day. Did you ever think of actually writing the story of her life yourself? It actually might be a feel good thing. If nothing else, it would be such a find for your grandchildren to read one day not to mention a host of others. Just a thought. She sounds like an awesome lady from what you have shared with us.

I know that feeling too kayc. I kept losing it when I had to go back to the Mayo clinic to make payments for Kathy's bil. I can't even drive by it without a sick feeling in my gut.

When my dad died after falling and hitting his head four months after Kathy left, I had a real hard time sitting in the hospital for those last few days because it brought back the memories. It's funny though, how I spent time in three different hospice homes with my step mom as the last, but it never hit me the same. Perhaps it was because in those situations you have already accepted the outcome but mostly because the staff was so very kind to me. I still go back and take stuff for those people who have such a job I could never comprehend doing. They are the true angels among us.

I was just reminded of other people as triggers when I was flying not long ago. On the radio was heard a pilot calling in using the name "Lifeguard" and it struck such a chord. I was brought back to the place where we were air evacing Kathy from Canada and the pilots used "Lifeflght" as their call sign and crossing over the US border, they became "Lifeguard". Kathy and I used to volunteer our time and my aircraft to transport medical patients who could not afford it for an organization know as Angel Flight. I knew that my call sign would become "Lifeguard" should the patient become critical. So now when I hear that, it makes me think of how somebody is in trouble or maybe near end of life. That is truly a trigger for me.

Thanks for the links Marty.

Maryann that is just so great. I for one am certainly a believer with similar events. They do not only see us, but visit as well.

Nice things do happen to good people once in a while.

I am of course more than four years on this journey and I am not certain about triggers any more. I still have them and quite strong ones sometimes. Soon after Kathy died, I had a plate made for her car (something she never wanted) but I did it to honor her. Maybe I just wanted to stick everything about her all over me. I wanted it to say KATHY but the plate was taken so I added a last initial to it. I came upon the lucky person who had KATHY on his plate recently. I thought "Ah that's why I couldn't get it". But then, I noticed it was a breast cancer plate and suddenly it hit me. Could it be, he lost his wife to cancer too? Suddenly I became very sad. I just thought how happy I was he had it and perhaps we were very much in the same boat. I almost wanted to flag him down but it was way too emotional.,

I don't know Marty. Perhaps I could never be ready to volunteer cause it's way over a year and I still come apart sometimes. It doesn't take much but an itchy trigger finger.

Happy Birthday to Tammy Mitch. I wish some times of peace for you today knowing a lot of people are with you.

Oh that is so perfect Anne! Thanks for sharing it. That is exactly what honoring them sounds like.

Well, there ya go Kayc. You know what is right and what makes sense. We are who we needed to be and the more educated we become, the more deeply we live.

I can so relate to what you have written Anne. Grandchildren do have a way of bringing joy to our lives. We do have a life to live and it will never be the same. It doesn't have to be horrible, but it will be different. I know that I am going to do some of the things we would have done because it pleases me to do so and I know Kathy would want that of me. I will be alone in Hawaii this September and I can guarantee it won't be the same. Just different........and that thought no longer scares me.

It took more than four years to get this far. This is what I can do today. Imagine what I can do tomorrow.