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KATPILOT

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About KATPILOT

  • Rank
    katpilot
  • Birthday 12/22/1948

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    scottsdale, arizona
  • Interests
    Kathy taught me how to love and will remain in my heart for all time. Only because of what she taught me can I love once again.
    I am Patty's biggest fan. She teaches me courage.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    02/17/11
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    sherman house/phoenix, arizona

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  1. Something I have wanted to share and see if others have similar feelings. I have always felt that Kathy was traveling the universe ever since she left. I felt it inside with no proof or reason. I just felt it and the connection with the song Drops of Jupiter by Train was so powerful and resonated inside me from the earliest days of my griefs journey. Patty shared with me from our earliest conversations how souls gather between lives. It is not to everyone's belief I know but at her recommendation I began to read the works of Michael Newton, a psychologist who used hypnosis to take patience back to earlier lives and their life between lives. If you believe souls incarnate then read on. I know that many follow a different faith and that is understood but I know deep inside after all that has occurred between myself and Kathy after she left which makes it so easy to accept. In his works Newton touches upon soul mates and how they connect in other lives. It is likely that we have more than one soul mate and that is where Patty and I come in. The connection between Patty and I and Kathy and Ron causes me to consider this to be the case. There are many studies about past lives and I know it is a developing topic that we mortals can begin to understand if never to fully know the truth but I have felt from the very beginning of my relationship with Patty that this was bigger than us. Much bigger. Patty and I were drawn to a star in the eastern sky that we always looked at for reasons I can't explain but as it turned out this star named Capella which looks like one star to the naked eye is in fact two sets of binary stars which in pair revolve around each other. We think of the four of us and so it has become our star. Our very special star. Marty if you find this topic innapropriate please remove it for I know it is a sensitive subject. That is why I placed it in New Beginnings. Also as a disclaimer I in no way am saying anyone should agree. I just wanted to express how I feel and what makes Patty and I who we are.
  2. So hard. So very hard. Our hearts are with you Katie. Please visit often. There are a lot of caring people here.
  3. KATPILOT

    My life may be getting bigger

    Sometimes we find purpose when we could not see it before. ipswitch you have the courage to see beyond and that is a very, very important thing. We take baby steps till we get our footing.
  4. KATPILOT

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    I promise you Kay, you won't leave hungry. 😊
  5. KATPILOT

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    I had the most wonderful experience last night that makes all the hard work so worthwhile. Thanks to an article in the Arizona Republic and Gazette that came out about our restaurant we saw a huge increase in customers. The heading was "Italian restaurant's story combines love, pasta" which told the story of a dream "Ron's dream", and how through loss came love and a new beginning. People reacted and came to see the story in real time. While serving tables I was stopped by some people who asked if I was the owner. I stated that no I just married the cook. It took ten minutes of listening to their praise of the food and service which left me with a feeling I cannot describe. People came to see how a love between Patty and I could have happened. They affirmed my belief that people thrive on a love story more than politics or world affairs. Perhaps this country still has more love in it's heart than hate. Perhaps there is still hope for a future which seemed so uncertain and full of fear. "All you need is love" John Lennon I will never understand why Kathy and Ron had to die so young but I do know that they led us to each other and with their love for us came a new beginning, just keeping the dream alive.
  6. KATPILOT

    Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Thank you Anne and everyone of our friends here. I wish I could describe the powerful and emotional time our three days off were. It sure has been a while since we woke up on our own without that 4 am alarm. Being in a cabin on a mountain could not have been more peaceful and rejuvenating.
  7. KATPILOT

    Always Aware

    They do have ways Maryann. I'm so sorry for you having lost your friend. Losses seem to come with so much more powerful an affect when we have had such a major loss in our lives. I think that every time we lose something that connects us to our departed loves we feel that loss so much more because what is gone can never be brought back. And we know that too well. Patty and I are thinking of you and even though you have come so far on your journey it still seems like a mountain yet to climb. Hang in there friend. Each day is one of growth and you are moving in the right direction. Even if we don't know which way we are heading, it has to be better than where we were.
  8. We all know that they would not want to see us live on in sorrow and despair but yes it still is the hardest thing we can do. You do it in time. One day at a time. My own evolution in grief was to discover who Kathy truly was first . Then I was able to start examining who I was. You do a lot of soul searching over the years but when you begin to focus on yourself you find your path. By my fifth year I was so content to live out the rest of my life alone for you see I would never be truly alone. I had my children and grandchildren not to mention friends I have met along my grief's journey. Friends I would never have met had she not died. Then like George you begin to find a desire to do something. You formulate new dreams. And still I took Kathy with me every step of the way. The best part is that she still travels with me. It was only when I began to live my life once more was I able to connect with Patty. We take the love we have for Kathy and Ron right along with us wherever we go and whatever we do. I for one am excited to have been able to be part of Ron's dream....the survival of Maui Pasta. In that restaurant lives testimony to both Ron and Kathy. They surround us. They are part of the whole deal and we love them still and for all of time. Let's face it. Our time on this planet is limited. What a shame to not do something when we can. Just to help offer support to a friend proves why we are better off here than not. Imagine what may come of our presence here. Perhaps we can even help to save our planet. It doesn't take much to have an effect on others. All you have to do is walk out that front door. "To strive to be a better person" is a beautiful topic and I hope this thread will become an important one here. Along with our grief and pain we can learn how to find hope. And don't worry if you cannot see it now. Time will take care of that and your love will be with you every step of the way.
  9. "I can make his death as complicated as I want to, but really it is simple. Mike died. I didn't." Staci Sulin Powerful blog she wrote Marty. Many of us can get something from this. A few years back on this site I wrote that I had had an epiphany. I realized I was no longer Steve and Kathy. I was simply just Steve. That night I knew my life was changing. The grief doesn't end but the path I took in my life changed me for the future. I could go on living even if it were to be alone. How little did I know what was yet to come.
  10. You can count on that being true Marg. It goes much deeper than one might think. No matter what Ana, we would of course be worse a person than we were. In grief your sorrow is never going to make you a better friend to others or even be able to help others when you would have done that before your loss. But time changes that. We soften in our loss and one day we find ourselves alive once more. Grief of course never leaves us but we find ourselves better than we were at first. Of the two of us, Kathy was the best. Knowing her and loving her made me a better person. She made me want to emulate her. Of anyone I ever knew, she was the person I wanted to be. After her death I slipped into old bad behavior. I drank myself to sleep most nights. I grew to hate everything around me save for our little house and everything of her in it. I knew I had to get it back I had to honor her by being a better person. (a task I found so very difficult) The song "I've Been Waiting" by Sixpence spoke to me in a very powerful way. "So I'm changing who I am Cause what I am's not good."
  11. How true Gwen. A dog is a wonderful friend and gives us unconditional love but it isn't the same. We had lost our dog Mindy before Kathy left and how I wished I had had her. I think it took me longer to realize I could still go on living but alone in that house made it seem far more empty. Yet I kept on living one day at a time, many, many days.
  12. I was reading this thread by Jillian in Loss of Spouse: Medical Assistance In Dying By Jillian, Friday at 09:44 AM in Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other It so moved me but I wanted to write this here for it is not something easily accepted by those of us who are new to grief's journey. I want to share what happened with my wife Kathy. When we first met each other and fell in love she told me one day that she was not going to live long. I questioned her because she was in perfect health and at the time was only 38. She simply said "I just know". This upset me at the time and I hated hearing such words but I believe now that it was part of a plan much bigger than ourselves. I feared the "self fulfilled prophecy" yet I have a hard time accepting it. I still am unsure and it is far beyond my ability to comprehend it but somehow I feel there is indeed a bigger plan. She was a brave girl. Kathy had an understanding that I could not wrap my head around so when all was lost she simply said "It is what it is". She never cried or felt sorry for herself. That was my job I guess. She knew more than I did why she was here and where she was going. My new bride had a similar experience with her husband Ron for he believed his time was limited. Patty turned me on to a book "The journey of souls" by Michael Newton. In this book he describes how over a thousand of patience he had placed under hypnosis exploring life between lives in a study of several years described the same experience after they had died. You can believe in incarnation or not but I truly do. The point I want to make is how in my opinion there is a plan. My take away from the book is how we are here to learn lessons if you will. We teach, we learn, we endure hardships and loss for a reason. We also enjoy the wonder and beauty of life. It does not make my grief any easier to know that Kathy dying was a lesson I had to learn but I have a feeling it is true. Do we know when it is time to die? I believe some of us do. We can accept this or not but if we do then things start to fall into place. Things begin to make sense in a crazy emotional time. While it does not take our grief away it does help us move forward. Please feel free to share what you are learning on this grief's journey.
  13. Yes Jillian and you always will. How powerful that statement is. Kind of puts it in perspective does it not?
  14. KATPILOT

    Simultaneous Grief and Love

    George that is absolutely awesome losing the weight. The best side effect is how much better you feel. It also enforces our need to stay alive. We stay alive to find reason for staying alive. I know at first I just wished death would find me. Our lives become filled with "why" questions that can never be answered. When I stopped asking the questions things began to fall into place. There just has to be a reason we stayed behind when they moved on. We honor them to keep on living, to keep on making a difference. I started to think about how Kathy would want me to because she no longer was able to enjoy this world. Perhaps I thought, she could see it through my eyes and senses. That might not be the case but what if it was? If there was just a small chance it was true then how could I let her down? I was stuck here on this planet anyway. It was worth a shot and what better way to honor her than doing something with what time I have left. I want to say thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers but Patty will be okay. Nothing is life threatening here but a balance has to be reached in her body and the doctors will figure it out. Stress may very well have played a part.
  15. KATPILOT

    Simultaneous Grief and Love

    Friday we spent the day in the ER because Patty was in severe distress over a stomach issue. It takes a lot to get her out of the restaurant. Years ago she had a similar situation which led to them taking out her gallbladder only to discover there was nothing wrong with it. She had kidney cancer which was then addressed. That was ten years ago so we should be on the other side of it. The Cat Scan showed nothing of concern and that was a hell of a relief because I was scared you guys. For a half an hour I was back in a place I wish I didn't have a memory of. Point is she has had a sensitive stomach ever since Maui and her blood work was off the charts recently. We will figure it out now that she is where we can get decent medical care. They have a saying in Maui that "If you have a pain, take a plane". There is a good reason for that! It was difficult being in the ER for we both have a big bag of bad memories with that one. Life is difficult sometimes but we will get through it. I have to laugh sometimes because we are both fighters and we don't know how to give up. ☺️ Next month is our first anniversary. I can hardly wrap my head around that one because time has literally flown by. One year ago we were trying to figure out how we could close down the restaurant in Maui and move it here. We were planning our being married and living apart but thankfully that was only for six weeks. So I am in awe at all that has happened in the last year. We are slowly starting to make money and all though we are not yet breaking even I know it will come next fall. My life is so interesting now because we get up at 4 am and go to the restaurant where I help her get the bread going and set things up. Then it is off to work at my own business where we spend the rest of the day apart until 4 when we both meet at home. This is our routine seven days a week and I love it. By the way, Patty works eight minutes north of our house and I work eight minutes south. Not a bad commute is it? Sometimes we pull into the driveway together. I have read on "Loss of Spouse" how some of us are struggling with dating and finding new love while some are certain that they lost the only one for them. It is a mix of emotion for sure and it brings to light some interesting feelings on my part. Every one of us is following a different path. No two grief's are the same because no two lovers are like any other. I remember how I felt a few years ago. Actually just a little over a year ago as a matter of fact and I was certain Kathy was the only one for me. I new what being married to someone who was not my soul mate felt and looked like. You start out young not even understanding what soul mate even means. Only until you find it for real that you can look back at what it wasn't . I endured that for twenty years so I think I know the difference now. I knew it when I saw Kathy for the first time. I knew what I had lost and after over two thousand five hundred days I lived with that knowledge that I was indeed soul mates with her and no one would ever change that. And no one ever shall change how I feel. Thing is I have found my soul mate again. Now I have two. I wrote something years ago when I knew beyond any doubt that I would never marry again that even if you meet someone, one of them has to take the back seat. I was wrong. I was so damn wrong! I spoke without knowledge. I assumed. And, assumption is the mother of all screw ups.You think I would have learned that by now because I know it kills pilots all the time. I wish I was more like Kathy because she looked at all the facts before she ever spoke. She tried to teach me that but she left before I learned it. I think she is still teaching me. The point is that I discovered that I could find a soul mate in Patty and still have a soul mate in Kathy. Make your own assessment but I know what I have been through. Assume nothing and you will learn more. Assumption is a door closed so tight that light cannot get in. So here I am in love with two souls or maybe three if you count Ron. Or maybe four if I count myself. I knew from the moment I first saw that painting that Patty had posted to contribute to our fund raiser that something far greater than me was at play. I struggled with that one let me tell you. So much can go through a mans mind along this journey of grief and life. I know how every day I keep learning so I keep growing in some small way.
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