ShanN

Mary, Sorry you're having a tough night darlin. ((((((Gentle hugs))))) and peace for your heart. I pray Bill will shine down on you and you will feel his love. Please take care of that pneumonia. ~Shannon

It's been so many years. Yet it all feels so raw. My therapist called tonight, returning my call... And she said its going to feel raw the more I am dealing with it, and it's not bad, she said I'm doing good. She is so positive and reminds me how hard I'm working through so much, and feeling fragile is ok and "normal".

KayC, Thank you. I read your reply to my other thread. I'm very sorry you never had an available Mom. And I'm very sorry you lost your husband and love of your life. You are so positive. Thank you for reminding that I need to just focus on today and the little things. God bless.

Thank you Marty, Yes, I am deeply committed to my work with my therapist as well as the trauma group she runs. It's so wonderful to have found a place like this with others who understand. God bless. Gnight.

Hi Shelley, There is no time limit on grief Hun. And there is many times delayed grief. And also you will cycle through the stages of grief. I lost my Mom to Murder at age 15. I am 39 now and very my much still at the beginning most days. I was sexually abused and raped for 10yrs by my stepfather prior to him killing her. I have depression, bipolar, flashbacks, anxiety etc... And am in therapy and on many meds... Depakote, Saphris, Remeron, Topamax, Klonopin, Seroquel, and Lexapro. It took a long time to get the right "cocktail" of meds and still I have trouble. I was just taken off Wellbutrin and put on the Lexapro. Be honest with your dr Hun. And be easy on yourself... Grief, abuse, depression is a lot to manage. One day one minute at a time. I'm there with you. Message me anytime. ((((Gentle hugs)))) if you want them. God bless.

Thank you Mary. Going to take care of this heart, fever and back pain. God bless.

It's so hard to feel so fragile and overwhelmed and just need and want the one person who I know would make it all better. My Mama. She was the very first love of my life. She meant more to me than any person ever has. My Nana, her Mom, was equal in that capacity. I had my Nana for 10 more yrs than my Mom. I was 25 when my Nana passed from a long painful battle with lung cancer. I cared for her and was heartbroken when she passed. But with my Nana, I have moved through my grief, I have coped well. But with my Mom's murder, it's just so very different. It will be 24 years in April and I just keep going round and round and the trauma of him killing her and then I held her in my lap when he fled, and screamed for her to live to wake up... But it was too late... She was gone just like that. I've worked so hard in therapy for 7yrs with the most amazing lady... But flashbacks are horrific, anxiety is horrific. And I just want to be able to go to my Mom... She would just hug me and take the hurt away. It's so hard to need the one person I can't have...

My grief is very complicated. I was abused/raped from age 5-15 by my stepfather. And he threatened to kill my Mom if I was not silent about it. I was 14 and I got pregnant by him. And he forced an abortion of that life. It sickened me. He sickened me. Even though that life came from his evil, it was still a life. I am 39 now and all these yrs later, I am deeply affected and deeply saddened by the taking of that life in me. Does that make me crazy? I feel such shame and guilt. And then my Mom found out and he shot and killed her in front of me when I was 15. So my grief is very complex with everything involved. My husband and I cannot conceive children. But there is a place deep in my soul so saddened at the loss of that child even though I was a child. Back then, I didn't much feel anything. But as an adult now it's really hurting. I guess I'm not making much sense. When I try to articulate things it's hard... Because its all so complex and I'm slowly trudging through it all with my wonderful therapist. Thanks for listening if you read this far. God bless,

Another shooting today? Oh I just am so sad. At what this world had come to. Angry and sad. God bless the victims and families. Of ALL the horrific tragedies.

I am still very very affected by the tragedy in Newtown. First of all, it occurred here in CT just 30 mins from us. Second, I am a child abuse advocate so any violence on children breaks my heart. Third, my Mother was shot and killed in my presence by my stepfather when I was 15. That violence is something no child should have to witness... Bless those that witnessed it and the families who's children are in Heaven now. I have seen Newtown, and the huge memorials, things left for each child... A tree for each child. Hundreds of things left. Candle burning brightly. So beyond heart wrenching.

Thank you Mary. I am actually feeling very fragile. I can't imagine losing my husband. But that is a daily very real fear. He has been insulin dependent for 30yrs and as a result has congestive heart failure, renal failure stage 3, has had heart attacks, a triple bypass, 3 stents, multiple TIA's, COPD... And so many many fragile days and hospitalizations. Drs said he would be lucky to live past 50... He is 52. But his twin brother passed on at age 43 from the same issues. But drs are not God and cannot tell a very stubborn man he won't make it to 50... LOL... My hubby will prove them wrong! I have abandonment fears with all that occurred in childhood. I thank God for every day with my husband. Because its a gift. So many take advantage of. I'm very sorry for your losses.

I thank you all for your kind words of understanding and support. I'm having a real "trying" day... Overwhelming. I'm very sorry for your losses and grief as well. ((((Gentle hugs))))

Thank you for replying Kavish. It was difficult to post... I guess because of safety and big trust issues. But am slowly learning to reach out more... Though I find myself pulling back a lot of times still. But I am trying. My mind is so full, but just by reaching out here and going to therapy and a trauma and loss group... I am using more of my heart to guide me. It gets lonely still though. God bless and thanks again.

Meceebee, I'm sorry for your loss. And your marriage issues. I too lost my parent suddenly... My Mom to murder, when I was 15. She was my world... my everything. My stepfather shot her in front of me. After 10 yrs of abuse and rape that she found out about eventually. I am 39 now. But my trust is nothing. And I tend to purposely "leave" when I feel even the slightest of attachments. Shutting down. Is why my marriage has nearly ended in divorce twice in almost 5yrs of marriage. I don't have the answer for you. I just feel for you greatly. I have trusted my therapist of 7yrs... With much struggle. I constantly try to push her away and shut her out but she reads me like a book so deeply and compassionately. I wish you much luck and courage.

Apparently this site is not very active...

Hi. I am new here, though not new to intense immense grief. I am almost 40 yrs old. I lost my precious Mama in 1989 when I was 15. She was 41. My stepfather shot and killed her in my presence. Following his abusing and raping me from age 5 until 15. He threatened to take her from me if I ever spoke. Well, she found out. And he took her. I don't know how to get past it. The PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, depression, etc... Are horrendous. :-( I thank God for my wonderful blessed therapist. I would not survive if it weren't for her...