ShanN

Thank you KayC, I know for certain my Mama and my Nana in Heaven are watching over my Leo-bear. My fever is still here. Dr put me on Augmentin, Tamiflu for the ear infection, bronchitis, and the flu... Plus Flagyl for the intestinal issues. My Leo-bear is not worse, but nothing is better except his fevers have been breaking some... But then spiking again. But praying its a sign it will break for good soon. His sister went to visit a short while earlier. And told him how much I love him. He is still in the induced coma for now... So don't know if he could hear... But I believe... I have to... My heart hurts... The pit of my stomach keeps jumping up into my throat and tears come... I'm so scared. But I hope my meds will kick in in a couple few days so I can be by his side.

I just simply need you Mama... To guide my way right now... Well, not so simply... Please be with Leo, though you never will know him, I pray you know what's in my soul... My undying love for him and my overwhelming fear... Thank you Mama...

For those of you that have read my posts, you may or may not recall my husband's critical daily health issues. He is 52. He has been insulin dependent for 30 yrs. it's hereditary. His twin brother died at age 43 from all of these issues. Drs said Leo would not make it to see 50. He has suffered multiple heart attacks. Has had a triple bypass open heart surgery. Has 3 stents in his heart. Has suffered multiple TIA's (mini strokes). Has the start now of stage 4 renal failure. Has had too many hospital stays too even try to count because of these issues. COPD and congestive heart failure. And I have been his caretaker... Much to his dislike, most days. If I don't keep on top of his blood sugar readings, his blood pressure monitoring, his medication schedule, etc... Then he would probably not be alive. He gets sick, and is so stubborn. I generally have to have an ambulance called because he denies he is sick, until it gets dangerous. I am on 24/7 "panic". He is currently hospitalized as the result of the flu. His COPD, congestive heart failure are acting up severely. He had fluids on his lungs, around his heart, his temp is still running above 101, and he had to be intubated this afternoon because they have diagnosed pneumonia. They put him in an "induced coma" right now... Because between his lungs, heart, kidneys, fever, blood sugar... His body is trying to shut down. He is on multiple antibiotics now. I cannot be there because I am very ill with the flu severely myself... But I haven't the health issues he does. He is in The Intensive Care Unit. I could not be there if he were in just the cardiac ward. Certainly not the ICU. I have a lot to be terrified about and a lot of thinking to do. He has specific wishes, which are legally drawn up and which we have discussed and he has made clear multiple times in the last 2yrs. He has a Do Not Recucitate order. If he has a heart attack again. If he has a stroke where he becomes so bad that he won't be able to live without machines. If he has no activity left in his brain. His wishes are written up very clearly. He is not in that place right now. What they are doing... In having him on a ventilator and in a medically induced coma... Is not because he is "on his death bed"... But rather for his body to not have to struggle so much to heal. This is all very terrifying to me... That doesn't begin to describe it. I "saw" this coming before he went in the hospital. I FEARED this with everything in me. All these years, I have become so "in tune" to his health... That I actually can tell when things are going to happen. I'm not able to be with him. I'm praying with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul... With all the infinite love I have for him... That things don't go from bad to irreversible. But I'm so scared... I didn't know where to post this. But he is my world. I devote my life to caring for him... Good and bad. Yet I can't do a darn thing for my love. I'm so scared. And I'm trying to just breathe. To use my DBT skills. To take of me and this flu that's so bad.

Oh Novi, you write so eloquently and I can feel your feelings release whenever I read your words. Writing your story is a very good thing to think about.... I mean even publishing it. In my therapy, my therapist has been helping put together many journal entries of just pure raw memories both of my abuse/rape and the murder of my Mom and all it entailed. When I do write... It's mixed up and all over the place, to me anyway, with memories, but she hears it and says it makes more sense than I think. She runs a trauma group that I attend. And everyone there sees her privately as well, so we are compiling our stories and eventually will be published in one book. Writing is very hard sometimes, but it is therapeutic. Keep up your good work Novi. I commend you and respect you on this journey. (((Hugs)))

Thank you Marty for the helpful links! I so appreciate it. I actually have a CD that my wonderful therapist made that takes me through guided imagery for "my little girl" inner child, when I get so over taken by the trauma of abuse and the trauma of being witness to my Mom's murder. As well as another CD she made just for relaxation. My safety is largely when I am in my therapists office and when I hear her voice. They both are helpful. The relaxation one I use more often. In fact I used it a few hours ago and I was able to take a few hour nap. (The fever woke me). I will be showing these links to my therapist when I see her, and will surely be trying at least one. Thank you so much. I am on my way back to slumberland as I'm so exhausted. But wanted to answer your reply.

Thank you Marty It's so difficult to have such inner conflict. Part of me really knows as an adult... That everything that happened back then was indeed HIS fault. And then there is that child who still is in me who is so opposite. But at least I'm making progress to where part of me DOES know where the blame goes. Small baby steps... It's 6:45 here and I am going to have some tea... And really try to rest.

I'm still very sick, but with my husband in the ICU and me alone... My mind won't calm down. My stepfather shot and killed my Mom when I was 15. She was just 41. There is SO much immense guilt I feel. My therapist doesn't think there is anything I should feel guilty about. But she lets me have my feelings. I was in the room that tragic day. But I froze. He had that gun to her head. And she begged me to leave. Then she begged me to not come near. Everything in me wanted to run and push her away from him. Everything in me wanted to take that bullet for her. After all if it were not for the fact that she found out he was abusing me and raping me all those years... Then he wouldn't have killed her. I froze! I screamed and I just froze there across the room. I watched as he pulled that trigger with his eyes staring at me. ME! I honestly do not remember between the gunshot to how I got across the room on my knees holding her head in my lap screaming and begging her to move and breathe and awaken. I just stayed on the floor holding her... The life litterally seeped from her head. But she was already gone. I didn't even try to save her. I don't think I knew how or was capable of trying. Now, as an adult, I can't forgive myself, for not trying to save her... For not doing anything but hold her shattered head in my lap in my hands. Even though I knew she was gone instantly. There must have something... ANYTHING I should have done. But I just screamed. Almost 24 years later, I still can't forgive myself for that and for what he did. I realize all the threats he put on me when he abused me, that he would kill her... He put those in my head. He put the fear into me for 10 yrs. And I realize there is immense shame from all of those years. I suppose that's why I feel so responsible and cannot forgive myself... When somewhere in me I DO know it was ALL HIS doing. Such a huge part of me died when that bullet killed her. I just froze. Until he left. I couldn't move. I couldn't trade places with her. For all those years, I wanted to die. I wished, every time he abused me that I would just crumble or fly away or that God would just take me. But I loved my Mama so much... I couldn't ever leave her. I'm just having a real tough time today... This evening. I know being so sick... Exhausted, this fever, headache, congestion, stomachache etc... Is really making this heartache and grief much harder to "manage" for lack of a better word. And certainly worrying sick about Leo isn't helping. Just very sad, and I feel so guilty. And the flashbacks of EVERYTHING are so much more exacerbated right now. I just had to type. Resting is so difficult right now. Thank you for listening. No need for replies. I honestly just needed to say some things.

I'm so very sorry Blondie for the loss of your precious daughter. You will be in my prayers...

((((Gentle hugs)))) Novi... I'm so sorry you lost your Dad in the manner that you did. And I'm sorry you lost your Mom and had to witness her long suffering. I relate even though not the same cases. My Mom was murdered in front of me... By my stepfather in 1989. I was 15. She was 41. I wish so much that she wasn't dead... 8 yrs later, my precious Nana was diagnosed with Lung cancer a second time... Though this time much more advanced. I cared for her took her to radiation, to chemo, watched as she lost her hair, and her small body turn so much smaller and fragile... Watched as the treatments just killed her. Watched as it went to her brain and bone... Hospitalized... And my Nana, the second most important person ever in my life aside from her daughter... My Mama... Losing her cognition... Not recognizing me most days... Then the next she would love me so much... Back and forth... Heart wrenchingly. So tired of knowing the pain she suffered, her heart kept on, but I already lost my precious Nana... I prayed The Lord would take her. And when I held her hand and lay next to her... She took her last breathe... I sobbed, relieved and broken at the same time. I was 25 when she passed at age 71. I wished her suffering to end... I feel your pain. And I wish I could erase it. But all I can do is let you know nothing was your fault. And all of your feelings are valid. I wish peace to enter your heart. One day at a time my friend Oh, I had a suggestion. Have you written your Dad and your Mom letters at all? It's something that can be therapeutic on some level. Take care...

Thank you Novi and KayC... My SIL was brave enough to quickly bring my some chicken soup, Gatorade, my prescriptions, water, and a little beanie baby kitty, that resembles my precious girl, Silver... Who I lost 6years ago after 18yrs. It's so adorable. My husband is not improving and has been moved to ICU for the meantime. It's so hard to not be able to be there with him. I miss him. I certainly am aching for my Mom and my Nana... They would care for me unconditionally. I just had a bit of a meltdown but I calmed myself down within a short while. It's hard not to be emotional. BUT, I won't feel any better physically if I get myself too worked up. ((((Gentle hugs and non-contagious ones at that)))). God bless.

Still awake struggling, nearly 5am. Going to try to see Dr. My BP is getting quite low because of dehydration. That happens very easy for me.

I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm so sick physically. Emotions get worse when I'm so sick... And it's so profound to me...

I'm sicker than a dog. Is that the saying? The flu has now turned into a stomach virus. I just have it ALL! It's nearly 1am and am up sick. Is it "normal" for grief and depression etc... To be more intense when so physically sick? Uuhhhgggg I hate being alone... And it's snowing again.

there are no other words to put how i feel except that i hurt. i hurt and i can't fix it. i can't make the hurt go away. i can't stop crying tonight. i feel like i'm trapped, i'm caged in this world. this isn't about the abuse he inflicted on me all those years. though i'm sure it has something to do with it. this isn't about my childhood or lack there of one, but i'm sure that's a major issue. this is about pain. i am in a great deal of pain right now, and the only way out is to sit in pain. or as my therapist would say, sit WITH my pain. all i want to do is run, run far far away. i keep wanting to escape it all. Yet i know escaping isnt an answer. the only way through the grief is just that... THROUGH IT. its so hard to forget... he ran... he ran fast aftr he shot her... leaving me to scream and hold her head in my lap. i want to go back, i want to scream louder, please Mama, dont leave, please wake up. I want to get to feeling better. feeling something anything but this agonizing pain. But tonight i lay in bed and cry with sobs, something I don't often do. alone. i'm alone. i'm alone and i hurt. I just want her back. I want to go back to 15. I want to save her. I want to take that bullet for her. But that's not what he wanted. He wanted ME to live and hurt because I was filth to him. I don't want him to have anymore of that satisfaction. But I cannot deny this hurt... I know I'm struggling with this flu. I'm alone my husband in the hospital. It's always I'm with him... Taking care of him his health. And now I'm by myself... The hurt is just creeping up further... I guess it's ok to cry. But this hurt is immense. I hope to fall asleep soon...

Dearest Novi, I'm glad to hear from you again. I'm so sorry you are so exhausted. Grief will take much out of you, plus depression and anxiety. I'm very sorry the first therapist was so not right for you. It sounds like she wasn't hearing you. My prayer is that in your new city, you will be lucky and find a new person. And I will tell you, it took me 16 yrs before really finding a 100% comfortable one. But that surely is not the norm. I did have other ones before this one... But I think a lot of it was just I MYSELF was not ready to trust. One day at a time my friend. One day t a time...

Glad you ventured out Mary! Stay warm and cozy in the cold!

Hi Novi dear, You have been in my thoughts since reading and replying to your post. I pray to hear from you soon here and that you are managing and hopefully have reached out to get connected to a therapist or a grief support group. I have both. It really is an invaluable tool in healing. Peace and prayers...

I am so sick with the flu. My husband, who has major health issues as a result of being insulin dependent for 30 yrs since age 19, is again hospitalized. His twin brother died at age 43 from all of this, congestive heart failure, stage 3 renal failure, TIA's, COPD. He is 52 and has had multiple heart attacks, a triple bypass heart surgery, 3 stents, and is now being diagnosed at the very very early stages of Alzheimer's. right now he is in the hospital with complication from the flu... His congestive heart failure is acting up, his COPD is too, he has fluid on his lungs and around his heart which is not improving. I cannot be there, because I am sick with the flu, bronchitis, etc... My own family, I have zero support, and 100 percent negative judgement. Because they blame me for my my Mom's murder when I was 15. And they won't accept that my stepfather abused and raped me from age 5 until he shot her. My aunts, my own brother and half sister. They are cut out of my life. I have tried until I am blue in the face to apologize... But I finally last year realized, I have nothing to apologize for. I was always the one to call back and take the heat. But no more. And sadly, that has left me very alone. Being alone in grief for my Mom and memories of all his abuse involved and his taking her life away, my Nana who I cared for and watched suffer from cancer, my uncle who I cared for and watched suffer from cancer, and the unborn child that was stolen from me... Is heartbreaking. And daily, 24/7 terrifying fear of losing my husband and feeling we are living "on borrowed time", because drs said he would be very lucky to see 50, is horrible. But he is 52, so on one hand, what do the drs know? On the other hand, I feel like its all borrowed time now. But I try so hard to just let each day be a gift. Wasn't sure where to type all this, I'm just overwhelmed. When I'm overwhelmed, things I write tend to not make much sense, at least to me. So forgive me... Going to try to rest. I need to get well, so I can go be with my darling hubby. I think I got worn down from taking care of him and worrying about him 24/7. I must take care of me.

Novi, I'm so very sorry for the heartache you've had to endure. I lost my Mom to murder by my stepdad, in front of me shot, and held her in my lap. That pain is indescribable... Violent sudden death such as that and your Dads suicide and you finding him, is so excruciating. I cared or my Nana who suffered more than I could ever imagine from lung cancer that spread to her brain and bone. Watching someone so close suffer death is unthinkable. I wish I could wrap my arms around you... To bring you comfort. I worry you have suicidal thoughts and that it is common to repeat that following a loved ones suicide. Please PLEASE, go to your dr and ask to be referred to a therapist and be evaluated for depression... There are meds you can be put on to help depression, anxiety, flashbacks, etc... And please seek emergency care should your feelings get too overwhelming. Your Dad or your Mom would not want you to follow in his actions. I wish I could give you answers as to why your Dad did what he did. And why you had to watch your Mom suffer. I ask that about my Mom daily... Why did he take her life when I was a child. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. God bless your heart.

Bless your heart Ashley, I read your story, and I cried. I went through just about this same thing with my Nana, my Mom's Mom when I was 26. She was a Mom to me... Especially since I was 15 and my Mom had been murdered in front of me by my stepfather. I have been judged about my grief by all of my family. I was the one there taking my Nana to chemo and radiation for her lung cancer. I was the one who heartwrenchly watched her hair fall out and her beautiful petite 100lb body grow tinier and so fragile. She like your Mom, was so into needing to be beautiful and a little lady. It's so hard to be with our grief when others judge us. But your grief is just that, yours and yours alone. You sound like such a positive young lady. I honor that and respect that. I am 39 and struggle to stay positive. Keep doing what you're doing. As for afterlife, that's ones personal quest... But I firmly believe, though some days it's hard to reach, that our loved ones are free from pain and are just over the horizon watching us as close to our heart beats. God bless you in your journey. And you have found a compassionate "home" here with people who will listen anytime.

I know this flu season is really bad. Being ill, can complicate our grief. I pray that everyone be as healthy as possible. And that peace reach your hearts. It's all such a struggle. But I have found great comfort here... Just in reading posts. And posting when I have. (((((Gentle hugs)))))

Yes, thank you KayC, my SIL is the greatest. Got some chicken rice soup, ginger ale, citrus tea bags (I love tea), jello, and Popsicles... My throat is so sore. She babied me. Leo is 52 and she is 49, his baby sister... And my big Sis. She loves taking care of people. I'm lucky to have her. I'm so scared because of Leo's constant health issues. But I take every day with him as a gift I didn't have yesterday. Anyway, I just talked to him, he sounds horrible, but says he feels ok. But he always says that. I did speak with his nurse. He's about the same. I miss him, but I honestly needed a break from totally tending to his health over anything else 24/7. I need rest and though feeling guilty, I am getting rest. I have no choice... This flu has gt me knocked down. I really am trying to push away the grief and pain... And just rest my body, mind, and heart. God bless you and everyone here. I send much care and ((((gentle hugs)))) to you ALL. Night. XO

Thank you ALL for caring and the thoughts and prayers. I just spoke to my SIL who has been with Leo all morning. They have him on good oxygen, IV lasix to get rid of the fluid in his lungs and around heart, and on antibiotics. Plus breathing treatments 4 times a day. He's been sleeping most of the time... Which is normal for him when ill. And his blood sugars have been going up into the 300's which is also normal when he s ill. They are monitoring that closely. My SIL is coming to see me and bring me a few things for this rotten flu. She really doesn't need to be at the hospital because Leo is just sleeping. I got some good sleep... Waking every couple hours, but the fever is down. Thank you all again.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am alone tonight. My husband is getting admitted to the hospital with flu complications and his COPD and congestive heart failure and fluids on the lungs. I however cannot be there because I myself have the flu. The hospital is on visitation lockdown for anyone with any flu symptom. They are even turning away people walking into the ER to be seen if you have the flu... They are only taking people with serious issues... Like my husband. He is where he needs to be. And I need to take care of me. Gnight. Thank you for your replies. God bless.

We never stop missing our Mommies. Our little child yearns for her guidance and unconditional love. And it's our child that hurts so deeply. (((((Gentle hugs))))) I hope you got your therapy issue fixed. There is a Center for Mental Health in our hospital here. That's where I see my psychiatrist and my therapist and attend a trauma group. They do a sliding scale system for payments if you qualify.