ShanN

Thank you Anne ((((Hugs))))

Babben, I'm so very sorry you are missing your Mom so much. I'm right there with ya. "One more day" is a song by Diomond Rio... It totally makes me think of my Mama. (((((Gentle hugs)))))

I had an unplanned session with my therapist and my psychiatrist. Grieving for my Mom has totally got a hold of me. It's like if I don't have my husband here to take care of... Then the grief comes gushing out. I was put on a higher dose of my Klonopin and Depakote and Lexapro. And both my therapist and my dr said its ok to let the grief come. It's ok to let others care for Leo right now. Ya know, it's just so hard. I felt, feel, responsible for my Mom's happiness or lack there of, and I'm the reason he killed her. I've always taken care of Leo. Always. It's MY job... Isn't it? It's just hard. But hearing my therapist and my dr validate my grief for my Mom... And that it's ok to let others partake in Leo's care... Was hard to hear, but I'm trying to believe them. That is my Mom in my profile pic.

I'm back home. The tear fest started back up leaving the hospital after visiting Leo. I'm sobbing again tonight. Leo will be coming home in a couple days. But the case manager is arranging for daily help from a visiting nurse. So he will not come home until that is all set up. The earliest would be Friday. But im getting the feeling not until next week. I have been enthralled in caring for Leo for so long, that I've been alone now and all the grief for my Mom's death is really hitting home again. I'm going to phone a dear friend who I've known for 20yrs but lives in Ohio... But he is always there for me... A very best friend. Then I'm hoping to sleep soon.

My therapist is actually compiling all my writings and eventually would like to make a book about what he put me through and what he did to my Mother. I got more sleep last night than I have for quite some time. Going to the dr in a few. Hospital follow up. Then visiting my husband.

After a few hrs of literally sobbing, I do feel a sense of release. But I'm trying to just not think... Or it will all start up again. It may anyway. I have to take whatever flows I guess. I'm extremely wiped out. Laying down hoping to just fall asleep. Tears or no tears.

Tonight it's just really suddenly hit me so hard that in one day short of 6wks on April 1st, it will be 24 yrs since my Mom's murder. And I mean its hitting me hard, so deeply. I'm sobbing. How ridiculous is that?! I think what set it off was my therapist checking in on me and telling me she set up a Mass at the church here in town for April 1st honoring my Mom. I mean who has a therapist that does this every year AND goes to it too? She is amazing. But it just hit me. And it's just so difficult to express in words the immense hurt, sadness, fear, and grief. It's more profound than any other year. And that has been the case with each passing year. These tears won't stop, no matter how hard I try to distract myself, or listen to soothing meditations, or writing, or watching a movie, or trying to "fake it to make it". It's like a floodgate has suddenly opened up with endless overflowing pain. I thought tears were supposed to cleanse the heart. Why do these tears hurt so immensely? My Mom was THE most important person in my life. She was my whole world. My everything, to infinity and beyond. And my stepfather so cruely stole her from me. With one bullet. It absolutely broke me if my Mom was ever sad or in pain. To the point where the 10yrs of abuse and rape he inflicted upon me didn't much matter compared to the hurt he caused her for yrs. And then watching him shoot her... I don't know what that felt like for her, other than she was gone in a matter of seconds... So why am I so pained by the little suffering she had from that? I would give ANYTHING to have her back, but I also thank god that she was gone in a matter of seconds. But her beautiful head and face he destroyed. I so wanted to take that bullet for her. I so wanted to save her and protect her. I've done so much writing, about her. To her. But it's always unfinished. It always comes down to how I loved her beyond anything and my heart can't take the pain that evil monster did to her. Please forgive my lengthy post. And the mood of it. I'm just so shattered tonight with yet another dose of reality. And this sobbing is not a release. It genuinely hurts so bad. It will be 24 yrs. Yet the grief is so raw at certain times. And I will be 40 on April 18th. She was only 41 when he killed her. She's been gone 9more yrs than I had her. But I thank god for the 15yrs I had with her. It just hurts so bad... If you read this far, thank you.

Thank you Fae, Mary, and Kay, I've just been sleeping A LOT, of course when you are in the hospital, they never let you sleep... Bloodwork, vitals, IV's... So now I'm home just sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeping. Fae, I love your *<twinkles>*!!

Leo is slowly getting better. I spent Sunday and yesterday in the hospital because I was dehydrated, and my temp was over 102. Got a huge amount of IV fluids, IV antibiotics. My electrolytes were very out of whack. I came home las night. Just resting.

Babbent514, I'm so for the loss of your Mom and Dad. I so understand family not talking and shutting you down. After my Mom's murder when I was 15, her sisters have treated me like garbage and like its my fault. I already have guilt, but hearing those words from them just rips at my heart even deeper. And my brother, the one person who knows what it feels like to loss our Mom... And grow up without her... Has shut me out. I just wanted you to know that I get it. And I'm very sorry. Hugs

I miss you Mama. How I need you so. There's so much I need to tell. Most of all, how it broke me to see you go. Please watch over my Leo. I wish you and he could have met. But I think you know what's happening. Even though that chance we never did get. I love you Mama though we are so far apart. You truly live on here in the depths of my heart.

I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the support, thoughts and prayers as this difficult journey continues with my husband. I came here intending on getting support for myself because of my Mom's murder when I was 15 and all that entails but that's taken a backseat to the poor health of my honey. I so wish my Mom were here to support and guide me through. But I've learned nearly all my life, I'm on my own. Anyway, thank you again. And I do read when I can... I just have a hard time finding words. A lot of days and nights it just takes everything in me to just breathe. (((Hugs)))

Kay, I'm so very sorry that happened to you. That's a terrible violation and loss. (((((Hugs)))))

Leo is sick. He has bronchitis... So that's why he is having difficulty breathing. He is dehydrated which is worsening his kidney function and also made his potassium level way too high... Which is dangerous for his heart. They will be doing more kidney tests. They will be doing tests on his carotid artery to check for stenosis. He is on on IV fluids and antibiotics. He is sleeping a lot today. His blood sugar is staying high again... Because of the bronchial infection and the dehydration. I'm home. He is in the ICU because of his recent health issues and heart surgery. I'm still not feeling myself so I'm not taking the chance of passing anything more to him or getting anything more myself. I saw him briefly this morning... but wore a mask. Unfortunately there are no phones in ICU, but I've been talking to his nurses and they relay messages to him. Am off to clean a bit, eat some, take a bubble bath, and hopefully sleep early.

Oh they called me and they did not let the charges go through... They blocked them... And they said my card would still be active. Well, it's clearly not. So I have to wait for a new one. The car acted up after the blizzard. It's an idling issues... I slow down and it stalls... And the tachometer is all over the place. Leo's brother in law will be helping with payment next week to get it repaired. For now it still runs. I just have to keep restarting it when it stalls. I was up and down during the night... Kept waking up soaked sweating. Anxiety perhaps. On my way to the hospital to see Leo.

My honey is back in the hospital after literally fainting during one of his rehab sessions. And his oxygen saturation won't get above 88 with oxygen on. And he is having a lot of angina... Chest pain and pressure along with the difficulty breathing. His kidney function numbers are worse again. He has a lot of edema. His worsened kidney failure is most likely the cause of his symptoms. It just worsens his COPD and congestive heart failure. On top of his health, the car is not functioning well. Stalling every time I slow down. And on top of that... I've had fraud activity on my Visa card... 2 major charges in Ohio. We don't live in Ohio!!! Grrrrrrr!!! So it's going to be a week before I get my new card. It's 1am and I'm eating a little, taking meds, and shutting my eyes. Will see Leo tomorrow.

Kay, I'm sorry your back is hurting. I know that pain. I've got 3 very herniated discs. Be careful my friend. Fae, I posted in my other thread. Thanks darlin!

Well, management was kind enough to get the car dug out. I am still sick. Called the dr and he prescribed Flagyl. I'm just resting now. My BIL got the prescription for me. My BP is doing ok. Not that low. I'm just obviously not taking my BP meds or it will be too low. I'm keeping up on sipping fluids. Our dr said its going around. EVERYTHING is going around. Going for a nap now.

Haven't gotten much sleep... Just dozing. I've been vomiting etc... For the last 24 hrs. And the plow person, dumped all the snow in our parking lot behind OUR space!! Huge pile. Blocking others spots too. But they didn't have their cars there. I can't believe this idiot did this and has not been back since he did it last night! I am so upset. And there is 3ft of packed heavy snow all around and on top of the car. Going to call the landlord tomorrow to get the plow company to fix it! Grrrrrr!!!! It doesn't look like ill be out anytime soon. And Leo is being sent to a rahab/nursing facility tomorrow. Uggghhh! I'm trying my best to keep fluids in me. But they are more quickly coming out than I can keep up with. I can't get out myself. But I know if I have to an ambulance can get here. About a year ago, I had this bad and was in the ER for a couple days for fluids because my BP dropped too low. Hoping that's not required. I'm trying my best. Sipping water, ginger ale, and ice chips. Nervous about Leo going to the nursing facility... And I can't be there until I'm better and can get out and unburied. But I have to trust he will be in good hands. Back to rest...

Thank you Marty, Kay, and Fae... All your words speak so warmly to my heart. It is true, I am sleep deprived. On top of mental and emotional exhaustion. So much so, that I'm finding it hard to find words. And it's 3:35 in the afternoon and my eyes are literally closing. Leo is alright. I can't do anything about the near 3ft of snow outside covering and surrounding my car... And they are just starting to plow little by little. So I'm in bed, typing this on my iPad with eyelids drooping, fighting to keep them open. Can't fight it anymore. Gnight. Your replies... I thank you for them. You all have amazing strength in your words. And the biggest hearts. Peace and Love...

It's almost 6am and insomnia, grief, tears, memories have just engulfed me. I've been so busy caring for Leo, worrying about everything... That I settle down a little and everything surrounding my Mom's murder sneaks back up and the pain is indescribable quite honestly. Everything still feels so fresh, yet it's been almost 24 yrs. The guilt in my heart is immense. I didn't stop him. I didn't save her. I didn't beg that he shoot me and spare her. I just froze. I "let" her find out that he was raping me. How could I have been so stupid? When I was warned... I was threatened that he would take her away if she knew. And then I'm starting to feel things like, how could my Mom NOT know what he was doing to me all those 10 yrs since age 5? How does a Mom not know? How does a Mom not see? I wanted so badly for her to see. To figure it out. I wanted so badly to run to her from the earliest memories at age 5. I remember just looking at her. Holding her hand. Hugging her. Snuggling with her. Praying hoping she would feel my pain and my fear. Anyway, the memories of that night... That one moment in time, with one bullet... Is stealing my breath tonight... This morning. Tears are overflowing. And the questions... Would she be proud of me? What would she look like now? Would we be free of that evil monster? What would her embrace feel like? How would we get along as Mother to adult daughter? I know her embrace would be... I don't know except it would be as close and warm and comforting as they were when I was a child. I'm just having a flood of grief right now. I can't even find words to get out to release it. If that makes any sense at all.

Novi, I'm just seeing this now. I'm so sorry that your friend endured that loss and guilt... I think survivor guilt is so very very common. ESP in homicides, suicides, and sudden traumatic losses. Not that guilt doesn't play a roll in all other grief too. But I totally feel at fault. For many reasons. He killed her because of me. He killed her because she found out he was raping me. And I stood there and didn't try to stop him. I wanted to take that bullet instead of her. I wanted somehow to have him put that gun to MY head... Not hers. And I wanted to protect her and save her and I didn't. It just "amazes" me for lack of a better word... That the pain in my heart after almost 24 yrs is still so overwhelmingly intense and immense. One moment. One gunshot. And it is as fresh as that night.

Not sure why that first one went in upside down. Going to bed. Not looking forward to looking outside when this ends.

Anne, that's a beautiful video... Peaceful. Thank you. Anne, Fae, Kay, Marty, Mary... Thank you so much for the support, advice, and prayers. I believe someone is looking out for both Leo and I... My Mom, Leo's twin, my Nana. Our Angels. This blizzard is so bad... I think if Leo was not in the hospital during this, things would go very wrong. I mean we have 18 inches already and the plows have not even gotten up here yet. And we are expecting another foot by tomorrow. So an ambulance getting here would be very difficult. I'm glad I sent him when I did. Mary, that's just awful about your friend's father. Leo is doing the same. Sleeping a lot, on oxygen, his breathing is a little labored, his blood sugar is staying around 200 with insulin, and he fever is not going above 100. They do have him on antibiotics. He is basically sleeping. He does that when he gets sick. But whatever this is is not getting worse. I am posting a few pics I took outside the apartment. It's very gusty, blowing drifting snow... And even "thunder snow". Weird. Haven't lost power yet... But a lot of the area has as tonight goes on. The conditions are worsening.

Hi. I have to go back and read your replies today. I'm just posting that Leo's BP got real high and it was decided he be sent to hospital. Particularly because of this blizzard. And most likely after this virus goes away, he will go to a rehab facility for a while, and by then I will have a visiting nurse scheduled to come to our place daily when he returns. At this point, the drs say he just has a virus. I actually am relieved he is in the hospital during this storm. The height of it is just starting now... 18-24 inches in the next 12 hours. We have a few now. Glad he is there now because its really picking up. I'm going to bed. I've got a headache so very bad. Thank you for your support.