Kay,
I do not need to know any details about you or your daughter to say, without a doubt, that your daughter will miss you when you are gone.
I felt sort-of "emotionally imprisoned" by my mother for most of my adolescence and adulthood. I felt this start to lift with her death, almost even felt good, like relief, for a moment. Since then, I have been strong for those around me (and myself - I've never been comfortable expressing my need for others - had some trouble in relationships, but I've vowed to try harder now), but something has happened in the past few days, leaving me in despair, and a shell of myself. I've been in pain and with no idea how to alleviate it. I've been desperate, grasping at straws, trying to do whatever healthy things I can think of to help ease this unfamiliar (and intense) hurt. Tears come, out of my control, flowing like lava slow and steady and unstoppable - a force of nature.
I didn't think I'd miss my mom this much. Never in my life did I anticipate this pain. I lost my sweet canine best friend about a year and a half ago, and I was sure that was the worst pain I'd ever feel, but boy, was I wrong. The pain of losing my dog crippled me at times: no voice, no air, face swollen and me too shy to show anyone my swollen eyelids and puffy face.
Lately, I've realized that no matter what I will always yearn for my mother - even if she wasn't always "perfect". Who is? I'm an adult now with an adult set of problems and responsibilities, and finally realize and appreciate that she raised me the best way she knew how. In an argument years ago, I remember her telling me that "there's no instruction manual on how to raise kids". I do not have any kids of my own, but I can see what she meant by this now that I am older and see my friends with their children. Maybe I will get to give being a mom a shot someday, too. Anyway, I realize and fully believe she did the best she could.
I pulled away from my mother during times in my life when I wasn't doing so great, and didn't want to disappoint her. I numbed pain with drugs for years (no more), and was ashamed to tell her. I wasted years this way. I wouldn't pick up her calls when using and certainly wasn't picking up the phone to call her. I don't think she ever knew that I was struggling in this way, so I feel like she was probably "perplexed" the way you say you are. She probably thought the worst. Call your daughter - or send her a card. Make sure she doesn't need you. Tell her she can tell you anything. Tell her you will help her without judgement. My mom would have done this if she could have imagined the pain I felt and my need to numb out but she never knew. I put a strong face forward to everyone including her.
Deep down through all of this, I see that the primal yearning has never gone away. I've had it stored inside since my first breath. I imagine being one moment part of her, in her womb, and then suddenly, on the outside. I imagine the first feeling a baby ever feels is yearning for ones mother in those seconds before being placed into her arms. I think it's our first emotion (perhaps after love), and it never goes away.We all still want our moms to hold us and keep us warm and to feel their love. It's literally in the deepest, oldest place in our hearts.
If this seems scattered I apologize, but that's how my thoughts are right now. After reading your post yesterday, there was so much going through my mind, some of which I don't think there are words. Just wanted to share with you the words I could find. I wanted to give you a "daughter hug"
Babben - ever feel this way? Sending you hugs as well...
~Cricket