Hi Hopsing, Today, my husband made me go to the cemetery with him, to see my dad's plaque in the ground. Dad's name in the ground was something I never wanted to see. He passed away Jan 3rd. Forgive my long post, I am just venting, since I never talk to anyone. But you are not alone. I think that no matter how much time you have, the selfish (replace selfish with "loving")part of you still wants more. No matter what you did/said, or how close you were, you still feel guilty for something. From personal experience, I had lots of time to prepare & cover all the bases, & spend time with my dad, but I still feel guilty, shocked, scared, depressed, etc. I fought so well, & thought I was doing well, with the strength my dad gave me. You see, he was sick for 8 yrs (& I grieved each thing he could no longer do). While he was sick, he was very adamant that my mother, brother, & I would be strong & not bawl over him. He said he knew we would be sad, but did not want us to sit around feeling sorry, because he had a happy life. He had pulmonary fibrosis, I believe, as a result of being a steelworker. He was only supposed to live 3 yrs. He survived a heart attack, quadrupal bipass, an unhealed incision that was re-opened twice, in addition to diabetes and various infections. With his fighting will, he walked & talked until his last day, although he should have been bed-ridden. Just 2 yrs ago, he put siding on my folk's house while carrying his oxygen, & helped my husband put 2 tiles in our bathroom floor, huffing & puffing the whole time. I lost my dad this Jan, & a few months later, lost my job. I knew I was on the verge of being fired, but carried my dad's fight with me & continued to work hard & do my best, since his fight was over. I thought if he could fight, so could I. I now blame myself for the emotions and exhaustion that may have "helped" me lose my job. I was "new" & thus had no rights, even if my boss expected me to do the impossible. I regret not being a better daughter or teacher, when I attempted to teach my dad to play the violin(something he always wanted to do), & he lost his strength to play. Maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe I should have taught him a "faster" or better way. Maybe I don't have enough talent to be the star that my dad wanted me to be (I'm a musician). Now I have to figure out how to live my life without my dad, and again, what to do for a "career." I regret not having his grandchildren, though while Dad was sick, I thought it best not to add to the family stressors. I have been the strong one for my mom, always telling her how my dad wanted her to be tough, & see the world, and have fun. Little does she know, that I have had nightmares for the past month, & cry by myself daily. I don't talk to my friends or husband much, because I don't want to be a "downer" with my problems. So, I have plugged along for 7 months. The fear hit me all of a sudden...I am scared to death to live the rest of my life without my dad. I can't believe he is gone. I am afraid that I have already forgotten so much by blocking the pain. I feel like nothing that I ever do will really mean anything, & that I will never be happy again. I am afraid I will be a failure as a wife, mother, musician, or whatever else I decide to do...and God forbid if I do succeed at anything, my dad will not be here to see it. I thought I was healing, but all of a sudden, WHAM! I feel like it just happened. I had 8 wonderful yrs to bond with my dad, both of us forgiving & forgetting every wrong (he used to be very difficult). My dad became a different, wonderful person. I grew to love his annoying quirks. My Dad had a 7th grade education, & couldn't spell, yet kept 2 diaries of last wishes & words of love for everyone in my family, including my husband . He told me around Christmas that he didn't have long, yet he never gave up hope, that some f****** doctor would come through (he was turned down for a lung transplant, since they felt his "older" life wasn't worth saving with 2 lungs!) I was getting used to him being sick, & almost began to think that he would never die. All of these blessings & extra time, yet I feel like it wasn't enough. I have nightmares every night, that my dad came back from the dead, & is in excruciating pain, as I "get to talk to him again for that brief moment," so I have to tell him it is ok to let go. I thought after the first dream, I would have let go, & the dreams would stop, but it's getting worse. In summation, I have probably had one of the best situations as far as having a chance to say "I love you's," & what-not, but it doesn't make things any easier. I have learned that these feelings are normal. Unfortunately, I have always had self-esteem/depression issues. I just wish someone could tell me that I am not the failure I feel I am, & that I will be happy again, & it will get easier.