Leftover

It was a year ago today that I had to say goodbye to my pretty girl. My heart still aches as badly now as it did on that awful night last year when I lost her. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and I miss her so much more than I would have ever imagined possible. I don't know what i expected when I first came here last year and I'm sure I'm not any closer to an answer today. Just thinking out loud, I guess. Anyway... Kylie, I love you and am so sorry that our time together was so short.

Two years ago, my pretty girl came to stay with me. Nine months ago, we had to say goodbye. Kylie, I love you and I miss you so much more than I can say.

"i have so many questions now that have been tearing me up inside. did i make the right choice? should i have waited and kept trying different things to help him get better? should i have been there when he was euthanized? should i have kept his ashes?" Billie's your cat and you did what you thought needed to be done. How anybody else answers those questions is irrelevant. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish there was something I could say that would help.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think it's possible for anyone to tell you how to feel as everybody handles things differently. I lost my dog six months ago- I think about her all the time and there hasn't been a day since she's been gone that I haven't cried for her. But that's me, and other people would react differently. You just have to feel what you feel- I don't think there's any other way. As for what to do- I wouldn't presume to tell you what the right thing is but since you asked, you said you did foster care for kittens so you might think about focusing on doing that as a memorial to Marle. In another thread, I posted an image I found on a dog rescue site's facebook page- "A Dog's Last Will and Testament". It inspired me to adopt another dog and the sentiment in that image, although directed towards dog owners, could just as easily be meant to help encourage adoption of cats, too. But again, this is a decision only you can make when you are ready to make it. Best of wishes in this painful and difficult time.

Last Sunday, it was six months since I had to say goodbye to Kylie. I still miss her more than I can say. I appreciate all the kind words that have been posted here, and I am sorry for the losses that all of you have suffered yourselves. Kylie, I love you so much. You brought more happiness into my life than I would have ever imagined possible. There will always be a special place in my heart for you, my pretty girl.

Thanks for the kind words, annie. My dogs have been a great comfort to me, even if they could never replace Kylie. I have to apologize for not responding sooner- I don't come here every day as I'm reminded of the loss of my pretty girl plenty enough as it is and reading the posts here from others who have suffered a similar loss is hard to do. How are you doing? Better, I hope. I know it's not easy now and may never be, but I wish you the best.

Thank you, annie. As I said, I wasn't thinking I was ready for another dog but as events unfolded, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I don't know what changed aside from seeing the Dog's Last Will and Testament and thinking about how I had the chance to allow Kylie to give a gift to another dog in need. Maybe that's enough. Whateve the reason, it gave me the strength I needed to allow another dog into my life and my heart, knowing that one day I would have to say goodbye to her, too. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another, though. I hope you find the answer that you're looking for, and I hope that it's that you can find a way yourself to allow another dog into your heart alongside your Annies. I can't tell you that will heal the pain as the hurt from the loss of my Kylie is with me every day. But then, the joy I have found with my sweet Gracie has turned out to be the most wonderful and unexpected gift anyone could ever hope for. I am trying as hard as I can to let that be Kylie's legacy, and to make sure the days with Gracie (and Mason, too- I don't want to leave him out) are filled with the kind of love that Kylie showed me was possible. Here are some pictures of Gracie and Mason. Just having the chance to watch them play in the yard is more than i could have ever asked.

"Time is slow; do I get another dog ??? I do not know if I can go through this great pain again." I lost my sweet Kylie 4 months and 4 days ago and wondered the same thing. Not a day goes by that I don't cry for my pretty girl, I miss her so. Last month, the friend who helped me find Kylie called to tell me to take a look at the facebook page of the rescue group who brought my Kylie to me if I might be interested in getting another dog as they had just posted the picture of a dog that they had taken in that he thought I'd like. I wasn't really thinking I was ready, but I took a look anyway. A little above her picture, somebody posted "A Dog's Last Will and Testament". After reading that, there was no way I could say no when I was given the chance the following week to have Gracie come to stay with me for a while. I fostered her for a couple of weeks and then adopted her eight days ago. I miss Kylie as much today as the day we said goodbye, and nothing will ever take her place in my heart. Since Gracie has been here though, I have found that there is room for her, too, and I love her so very much. Do you get another dog? I don't know. I wasn't sure how it would work for me, but somehow, it did. Best wishes in whatever path you choose.

Marty- I watched part of the interview, but to be honest, I do not believe there is anything beyond this world. Either for our dogs or for ourselves. It would be a lot easier if I did, but I don't, so there it is. I hope I'm wrong.

It's been 12 weeks now, that Kylie has been gone. As long from my first post to now as it was from the time I lost her to then and it's every bit as hard today as it was six weeks (or twelve) ago. I don't know- I keep hoping it'll get easier but it's not. I think about her every day and there hasn't been a day in all that time I haven't cried for her. It might be easier to bear if I thought there was a life beyond this one where I might have the chance to be reunited with Kylie, but I don't. I believe that our time in this world is all there is and once it's over, that's it. I suppose I could be wrong about it though as I don't really know for sure. Lately, I have been hoping with all my heart that I am wrong and on the chance of that, have been wishing for Kylie that she has beautiful green meadows to run in and is as happy now as I was when we were together. I miss my pretty girl so much.

Thank you for your kind words. I imagine most anybody who's had and lost a dog understands what you're feeling. At the top of the message board under Loss of a Pet, it says "Companion animals offer a kind of loyalty, devotion and unconditional love..." I wrote elsewhere that I don't think of my dogs as pets, which sounds more like some sort of accessory. "Companion animal" is a little awkward but it's much closer to what my dogs are to me. They're my friends, and we share our lives together. What I am able to do for them in providing food and shelter and a place for them to feel safe is more than matched by the love and devotion they show me. I am grateful for every day I have been given with them and wouldn't trade a single one of those days for anything. My pretty girl left me to go be with the angels two months ago and there hasn't been a day since then that I haven't cried for her. I love her and miss her and I don't know how long it's going to hurt like this. I hope there will be a day when the thought of her loss will not be so heartbreaking and that I can find at least a small bit of comfort in the memory of our days together. You're not alone.

I don't know. I have been looking for an answer but it is eluding me. All I've been able to do is to try to focus my energy on Mason, as he's only been with me for a little over two months. I guess the best hope is that I can be brave for him (and Kylie) and make his new home one that he is happy to be in. How to get back to my life, though? It doesn't seeem like that's an option anymore- at least, not to the life I knew.

I understand completely your sense of loss. I am two months ahead of you on this road that is not of my choosing. I won't pretend that it is not a difficult path- it is the hardest I have endured in my life. I wish for you the best in the painful days that are sure to come.

I guess not having any warning is not really any worse than having to watch your friend going through a long painful decline before having to say goodbye. There's no good way for it to go. I have been reading the other posts here as I can to see how things are for others, but I can only get through a few at a time, they're so sad. I've also been looking through the links in the Pet Loss Articles above. It's not easy being reminded that Kylie is gone but it's clear I'm not the first person to go through this, that's for sure. The loneliness is really hard, even with Mason there. He's been a great comfort but even in the short time I had with Kylie, she came to be a very important and irreplaceable part of my life. Calling her a pet almost seems demeaning, like she's a piece of property. I know dogs aren't people but there's no doubt they are living creatures that experience happiness, fear and sorrow in their own ways and yet have very little control over major events in their lives (I understand that people use words differently and I'm not being critical of anybody here- just saying what I feel personally.) Kylie came to be with me because I decided to bring her into my life. Nobody asked her what she wanted. Even though she didn't have a choice in that decision, she never acted in a way to make me believe she felt anything but gratefulness for the opportunity to share our time together and I hope she was able to know that I felt the same about her. Kylie was my friend in every sense of the word and with her gone, my world is so much less joyful than it was in the time she was here with me. Which brings me to Mason. He is a wonderful dog and I'm lucky to have him with me. He is taking a lot longer to get settled than Kylie did but as a rescue, I have no idea what he's been through. I feel terrible when I find myself comparing his responses to Kylie's, as it's completely unfair to him. He's not Kylie and deserves to be recognized for who he is, not who he's not. He seems to be feeling more at home lately and acting less apprehensive, which is encouraging. I am thinking that one day, I will get another dog but for now, Mason's happiness is the most important thing to be looking out for. When he's ready, I'll see about maybe getting him a companion. I think it would be a good thing for both of us.

Everybody I know has told me that losing a dog is really hard. As I wrote before, Kylie's my first dog and I ended up way more attached to her than I would ever have imagined. Having to say goodbye after such a short time is not at all what I was expecting, but I guess you don't always get what you want, do you? I decided to bring Mason home just so that Kylie could have company while I was at work. They got along so well right from their first day together and nothing made me happier than coming home and seeing my doggies at the door, all excited and waiting to greet me. And then, one day, Kylie wasn't at the door. The thing that's hit me the hardest, though, is that she was fine one day and gone the next. Even knowing that she's older, I didn't have any kind of warning that something was going to happen just then and wasn't prepared for it that day. I suppose knowing she didn't suffer a painful, drawn out illness should be at least a small comfort, but it's tough seeing it that way right now. I want my pretty girl to be here with me so badly and I know she never will be, ever again. I guess that's the toughest part.

Yesterday was eight weeks since I lost Kylie. It isn't getting any easier. I ran into a neighbor while out for a walk with Mason over the weekend and was asked about Kylie again. I know people mean well, but it just tears me up inside to be reminded that Kylie isn't with me anymore. I'm so tired these last two months but I don't sleep very well, waking up several times a night. Even if I'm in bed for 8 or 9 hours, when I get up, I feel like I haven't had any sleep at all. I wish the hurt would go away for just a little bit and let me get some rest. I miss my sweet girl so much.

Mason woke me up this morning going out the dogdoor. While trying to get back to sleep, I got to thinking about things and one thought led to another... Kylie would come into my bedroom when I went to bed and lay down on the floor by the door. To guard me, I liked to think. One night, I woke up to hear her pacing back and forth along the side of the bed. There was a thunderstorm going on and she was disturbed and wanted to get on the bed but couldn't because she couldn't jump that high. The next chance I got, I went out and found a footstool to put beside the bed so that she could get up if she wanted to. After that, when there were storms, she would get up on the bed and curl up by my feet until the thunder and lightning stopped. Another night, I woke up when I heard the dogdoor flap as she went outside. Before I went back to sleep, I heard her come up the outside ramp to the dogdoor but not come in. She did that a few more times without coming back in the house so I laid there a while and finally had to get up to find out what was going on. I could see out the window that she was laying out in the grass in the backyard so I went to get her and bring her in the house. When I got to the dogdoor, there was a poop on the floor and outside on the ramp, there was another one. This is the first time she ever had an accident in the house. When I got to her out in the yard, she wouldn't look at me and she was shaking like she was shivering even though it wasn't cold. It was then when I realized she was embarrassed over having not made it outside and that she felt like she'd let me down. I felt so bad for her. I just hugged her and stroked her head while my heart ached for her worrying so badly that I would be disappointed in her. I held her and told her how much I loved her and that there'd never be a time when I didn't, and why don't we come in the house? After going inside, I got back in bed. Kylie got up on the bed, too. She laid down, not by my feet, but right next to me and she stayed there until it was time to get up in the morning. She'd never done that before, and it was the only time she ever did. I wish it hadn't been. I miss my pretty girl so much.

annie- Thanks for writing. I guess I never really expected it to get easy anytime soon but was hoping against hope that I might be wrong. Looks like I wasn't. I suppose now, I'm down to just hoping things don't suck way too bad but even that much seems like a mirage on the horizon, almost within reach but you never really get there. I hate the idea that I'm going to have to get used to this.

I'm sure that time is the answer. But as you said, there's nothing you can do to speed it up. So there it is, I guess. I've been trying to stay busy in order to keep from thinking about things, but that will only get you so far. I'm just worn out after six weeks now, feeling like I haven't had even a bit of sleep although that's not so. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hi catlore- I'm sorry to hear about your Sophia. As I am finding out, the loss of a dear animal friend is so very devastating. I didn't realize just how much my sweet girl would come to mean to me and I am still having an awfully difficult time now that she is no longer here, trying to find my way out of the incredible sadness I've been experiencing over her loss. Reading the other messages here, it's clear I'm not the only one who's ever been in this dark place. Although it sort of helps to find I'm not alone in these feelings, it's not exactly a comfort to know that others are hurting as badly as I am. I know my Kylie is gone and nothing can be done to bring her home to me, but I am hoping that I can find my way to a place where her memory will bring me at least a little bit of the joy I felt when she was by my side. I miss my friend so very much.

Your impression is accurate. Kylie came to me on Nov. 11, 2011 and we had to say goodbye on Feb. 11. My pretty girl and I had just one year and three months together. Way too short and not anything like what I was expecting, but I suppose it never is, is it? If I had a hundred years, it wouldn't be enough to give her all the hugs and kisses she deserved. Mason has been with me since Jan. 17- just a little over two months. He's a great dog too, and I hope we get to spend many more years together.

KayC- Not crying is not an option. No doubt about that. I am going to the Sierras this summer with my brother and sister. It's thirteen years now my mom's been gone. It was her wish to be in the mountains and we all thought the place we used to go camping every summer was the right spot. We were just there last summer to keep the promise I made to my dad and since it's been so long since we were all there together, we decided to try to make another trip this year. I so wish it wasn't going to be under these circumstances, but I guess there's not a lot I can do about that. Even though my parents never met Kylie, I'm sure they'd love her. It's my favorite place in all the world and it's the last thing I can do for my sweet girl. edited to add... I'm sorry to hear about your husband but glad to know that your kitty has a good home now. When I mentioned Mason, I didn't mean to give the idea that I wasn't happy to have him here- I am, more than I can say. He's a great dog but based on how he's acted since coming to be with me, I suspect he's had more disappointments in his life than any animal should ever have to endure. He's happier and more at home every day, which makes me feel a lot better as I was really worried about him after I had to say goodbye to Kylie. I have already thought about a companion for Mason and I believe I will get another dog one day. Although I have heard reccomendations against getting a dog like the one you've just lost, I would still like to get another collie (or collie mix). Kylie was my first dog since I've never lived anywhere that I could have one up until recently and I chose her because she reminded me so much of one of the dogs we had when I was a kid. Danny Boy was a collie/samoyed mix and I loved him dearly. We lost Danny in 1980 and I still have his license tag on my keyring. Without a doubt, no dog could ever take Kylie's place in my heart but I can't imagine not getting another dog like her since collies are (to me, anyway) the happiest, most friendly dogs one could ever hope to have as a friend and companion.

Thanks Marty. I have been looking around the website and the associated links on and off over the last few days in an attempt to find anything that might help with this most devastating loss. I knew the day would be coming when my sweet girl would have to leave me but I never expected it would be so soon. Although Kylie wasn’t exactly running around like a puppy, she was reasonably active and was in good health for her age. And suddenly, one sad day, she could not get up at all, having lost feeling in her legs and I had to make the most difficult decision I have ever been faced with. It was only the weekend before when I was visiting with some friends, and this very subject came up. My friends had just recently adopted a dog after not having one in their lives since they had to say goodbye to their last dog. It took them nearly a year to get to the point where they were ready to bring a new dog into their house and the subject of the last ride to the vet came up. Even so long from that most painful time, it was clear how incredibly difficult a decision that was for them and I remember thinking that I don’t know how I could ever do it. And two days later, I had to. I guess six weeks isn’t really a long time after all when it comes sorting things out. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to do the best I can but the only thing that helps is keeping busy so my thoughts are on anything but the idea that I’ll never see my pretty girl again. Unfortunately, it’s not possible to stay busy the entire day and as soon as there’s any sort of break in what I’m focused on, the sadness returns with a vengeance. I’m so tired anymore and after a long day at work, would like nothing better than to be able to grab a beer and just go sit outside, put my feet up and not have to think about anything. But as soon as I do, the memories all come flooding back of the afternoons spent on the porch with Kylie, just watching her stretched out and warming herself in the sun or wandering around the yard and sniffing at whatever it is that dogs find so interesting and feeling the most incredible joy at how contented she looked. And now, she’s gone and my heart just aches for her. Having Mason here is a big help but it’s still not the same. He’s a good dog and I don’t mean to compare him to Kylie or anything, but I feel still like I’m not being fair to him. I know his life has just been disrupted, too. It’s taken him while to get used to his new home. As he’s a rescue just like Kylie, I don’t know much about where he came from or what his experiences there might have been. All of a sudden, he’s in a new home with a dog he doesn’t know any better than he does me. A week later, Mason’s in the car with Kylie and me on our way to visit my brother, where he gets introduced to five other dogs he’s never seen before. After a week there, it’s back to Phoenix to a house he barely knows and a day later, Kylie is gone forever. After visits to my brother’s house and seeing how well Kylie and the other dogs got along, it was clear to me that she was happy having company. That’s when I decided to get Mason and now, instead of having Kylie’s company while I’m away at work, Mason’s all alone. Something else to feel bad about, as if I needed to start a list. So there it is. What happens next? Where do I go from here? I don't know.

Thank you for your kind words. Kylie found her way into my heart the very minute I saw her. The evening was supposed to be for the rescue group to do an in-home inspection to see if my house was suitable for a dog and I expected someone would be there for about 15 minutes to look around and ask a few questions and be on their way. Unknown to me, they were bringing Kylie along and the moment she walked in the door, I knew she was the dog I wanted as my companion. She's the kindest, sweetest most gentle soul and she treated me like she'd known me all her life from the first day we had together up until the last. The best part of my day was coming home from work and seeing that furry white nose poking out when I opened the door and it's devastating to know I'll never see it again. She was shy but friendly with strangers and people would come up to us all the time when we were out for a walk and say "What a pretty dog! May I pet her?" I still have people stop me now when I'm walking my other dog, Mason, and ask about Kylie because they haven't seen her lately. It's nice to know that people noticed her, but it's sad to be constantly reminded that she's not with us anymore. I'm still trying to figure out what to do as a memorial. Her collar is still sitting on the kitchen table, right where I set it down after coming home from saying goodbye for the final time to my pretty girl. I haven't so much as touched it since. She was cremated and I'm going to take her to be where my mom & dad's ashes are, in the Sierras where we used to go camping. The cremation people made a clay pawprint for me, which is still sitting on the kitchen table with her collar. I made some plaster casts of her pawprints in the dried mud in the backyard but haven't thought of what I want to do with them, either. I was hoping it would be getting easier by now but I guess I'm expecting too much. They say real men don't cry, so I suppose I'm not one, having cried for my dear Kylie every day since she had to leave me. I miss her more than words can say. Scott