Jenna2

Time to let go? The time to let go was at least 20 years ago. I've followed all the standard advice, from trying to find another to moving far away, only to have it blow up in my face. I'm not trying to argue with you, Mary, I'm just saying what hasn't worked. I went to a party yesterday. It was the kind of place Ben and I would have gone to. I did find some enjoyment there, and some release from my tension, but it of course it was just a drop of water. At least I feel I'm facing reality now. Instead of mysterious crashes and depressions, I now simply break down into tears every now and then. I can be such a basket case! Thank you (all) for your input. Jenna

While I appreciate all the kind words y'all have had for me, it's time I stopped hijacking this thread. I invite you all to continue my discussion here: . Jenna

There ARE a few good things that came of this project. One, I know he's alive. That alone is reason enough to stop posting on Boogieman's thread and put this conversation back here where it belongs. Two, I now have a picture of him, which I will cherish. Three, I know more about him than before -- like his exact date of birth, his addresses, and his phone numbers. Whether or not I actually get a chance to USE them is doubtful (see below). But I don't have closure. If anything, I feel more hurt and weepy than before (although that's better then denial, which brings about a whole NEW set of problems). And what do I hope for? It doesn't matter, because I know that's NOT going to happen. I this point I would be happy being "just friends" with him, exchanging e-mails, catching up, and wishing him well. But I can think of no way to contact him that won't immediately blow up in disaster. And I still don't know what really happened that night of April 2/3, 2013, when it seemed he spiritually visited me. (I thought maybe it meant he had died. At least now I know THAT wasn't the case.) Suggestions urgently welcomed. Jenna

I feel confused and empty inside. I'm not sure what to do next. Jenna

Well, this is it. After much procrastination, I finally got all the information together, sent it to the detective, and set him loose like a bloodhound. I already got a response. Ben is living with a woman named Nadia and a man that shares both their last names -- presumably their son. (As I have mentioned elsewhere, that was one thing I could never give him.) I don't bear any ill will towards Nadia, probably because I never met her and she met him long after I fled the scene. (But I am glad Sandy is out of the picture -- I despise her and anyone that reminds me of her, including an instant dislike for anyone with either her first or last name.) They have two homes, one in rural Michigan and one in Oklahoma (they must be snowbirds). I wasn't expecting much different, but I am glad he's still alive. I believe and hope he's had a good and happy life. I got a picture of him -- maybe I'll use it for my computer's desktop wallpaper. The game is over, and I lost. Like I said, I wasn't really expecting any different. Note: all proper nouns I've ever used on this forum have been changed. Jenna

Chris, It's good that you're going out with your family Sunday. It sounds the years you shared with Paula were wonderfulful indeed. Jenna

Midnight here and I'm unable to sleep. Two hours ago I took a sleeping pill and went to bed. I slept for a while, then I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling like fire around my midsection. This has happened to me before, but now it's very intense. I've started composing a letter to the detective. It won't be long now until he can start the search. My feelings are mixed. Jenna

Chris, I took me about a year and a half to get through the worst of my hurt. Please hang in there. Jenna

Hi Chris, I understand your pain, and wish that you feel better soon. I too have struggled with a life that seems empty so I know where you're coming from. Take care. Jenna

Hi, Everyone. I wanted to reply with something witty and encouraging, but it's all been said already. Personally, I have no new news. So I'll just say hang in there everyone. We will all make it through somehow. I wish you all well, escpecially you Chris, with all your anniversaries. Jenna

Well, I've done it. I've sent a second e-mail to the detective; the investigation hasn't started yet, but it's one step closer. As I said in that e-mail, I realize my chances are "vanishingly small" that Ben and I will get back together again; but I can't help it -- I must try. I knew that the the final stage of grief is acceptance, but I now have a better idea of what that actually means: that I will always love him, that I will always miss him, and that I will always hurt, until the day I die. There is a hole in my soul that cannot be filled, and I have to respect that. (Thanks to Marty for pointing this out.) At least its better than denial; all that brought me was a kind of an emptyness that I had no clue about as to what was really going on. Jenna

Chris, it's plainly obvious that you are suffering. Yet you are able to hold on in spite of the pain, and I admire you for that. Do carry on. Jenna

Chris, I'm sure Paula would be struggling greatly over your loss if you had passed before her. She sounds like too much of a lady to overburden others with her troubles. A truly compassionate individual knows when to show a cheery exterior. But on this forum, of course, everything that we care to share can be. Jenna

Thank you Chris. But I can no more move on from Ben than you can from Paula. I have tried, for many years, and there is just NO ONE who can take his place. With your 35+ years together, I'm sure it was extremely hard for you to be separated from her. But at least you had 35+ years of happiness. Ben and I only had 1 year but it was glorious. I have found someone who can help me in my search. I'm procrastinating on getting the project started because I'm afraid of what I might learn. If it weren't for the visitation last April I would just let it be. But one way or the other I have to know. "I was guilt ridden and shamed for my effort. My Paula forgave me. You may not be so lucky." It is Ben whom, if anyone, I want forgiveness from. If nothing else, I want to know how he's doing, and if he's happy. I realize things may be a lot different than they were. In fact, I hope they are. I blame myself for the failure of our relationship -- I was a damaged individual, incapable of giving him what he needed. I have learned a lot since then. As long as there's a reasonable chance things may have changed in my favor, I should try -- you never know. I predict that one day he and I will get back together again and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. I want to be where he is. Jenna

Kayc, you know that scene in the first Blues Brothers movie where the Carrie Fisher character finally gets an opportunity to kill the John Belushi character, who betrayed her so many years ago? Then he shows the the least bit of encouragement (he takes off his sunglasses for the only time) she falls for him all over again? Well, if Ben and I were to meet and he were to show me the least bit of encouragement, I would be her. I can't help it. And if he has reincarnated and is only one year old, and I'm -- well, let's just say I'm up there -- couldn't you see how that would make it difficult for us to get back together again? There's only one way I know to be able to fix that problem and I'm not about to cross that invisible line. Jenna

Although I want to be where he is, it's too soon to jump on a plane and go running off. I have this theory that perhaps he died and then reincarnated. If so, he would have another name and another face anyway -- and we would be wildly different ages and that's not good. Maybe there'll be another visitation soon, and I can further decide what to do. Jenna

It seems I had a visitation of my own this morning. We seemed to be able to hear each others thoughts, and we both said we loved each other. Of course, some would say it was just my imagination or a delusion, but who knows for real? I would love to have some confirmation. If he had changed his mind about me, and wanted to find me, I sure made it difficult by all my moving around. He did break my heart, however, and did I have any choice but to go far, far away? I asked him where he was and he of all places said Chicago. Why there? I have no idea. If I had confirmation and more specific information I would be on the next flight out. Jenna

Hi Chris, It's good that you had a good Super Bowl day and had so much support around you. I'm happy for you. I, too, have songs that affect me. One song in my collection represents the place Ben and I met. Jenna

I suppose I'm living in the past too. Far better than the present. I went out to my board games group last night. Fun, but as soon as I was on my way home I started feeling down again. Jenna

Well, so much for "this too shall pass". I never liked that phrase anyway; it implied the bad will sooner or later go away and be replaced by the good, but what I've found equally true is the the good sooner or later will go away and be replaced by the bad. As I've said before, I predict that we WILL get back together again and be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. I just love him too much to ever stop hurting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kutbRyAG0Lw Jenna

So no matter what I do -- even if it's find someone else to be with -- there will always be that piece of me that will hurt from my loss? In a strange way, I find that comforting; like this is the way it's supposed to be -- and I'm not abnormal for feeling this way. There will always be a part of my heart reserved for Ben, and while it's not a perfect happy ending, maybe if I just go along with it I can live my life again. Jenna

I feel for you. You have my complete sympathies.

Chris, you made me think of something ... . Ben had his own special way of tucking me in at night. He made me feel SO safe, SO protected. I miss that, sometimes desperately. Jenna

So true. Most people "out there" don't experience that kind of love. And most don't understand how incredibly deep the loss can be. But we understand. I fully support you in wherever you go and whatever you do. I call it "Elliman's Syndrome": Jenna

Chris, I'm new to this thread but not to this forum. I've read through all these posts and you have my gentle and deeply-felt sympathy. Many of your posts look familiar because I've been going through many of the same things you have. On the surface, circumstances are very different but on a deeper level the hurt is pretty much the same. I met Ben 32 years ago, and it was love at first sight. But a year later, he broke it off with me and I wanted to die. I had some issues that made me a bad catch for anyone, and he moved on. For weeks I was crying myself to sleep every night. I was actively suicidal, but I went to some friends of mine out in the country (it was at their ranch that Ben and I first met) to get them to talk me out of it. (Obviously, I'm still around.) I took all the standard advice about letting go, moving on, trying to find someone new, moving to another city, blah, blah, blah, but none of that worked. I managed to get on with my life, mainly by going into denial about how much I really loved him. He was my soulmate (insert other nouns or adjectives here -- they all apply). But occaisionally -- like now -- the hurt and the pain just come back again. And even when that doesn't happen, I often get into a listlessness or lack of motivation in life. But there was a major change on April 3, 2013. I was in bed and I got the definite impression he came to me and was caressing me in spirit form. I'm still not sure what that was all about, but I'm calling it a sexual/romantic lucid visitation dream. In a few days, I realized that perhaps he had just died. (At his age that could have happened.) But either way, there is some residuum of his love for me, and I still love him more than most people ever experience in their entire lives (not the people here, of course). I won't go into more details because I don't want to hijack your thread and it's all been written up in another section of this board. Chris, I hope you find the comfort you are looking for. I fully understand.