Jenna2

Fixated? I suppose you could call it that. I love him unconditionally. If he doesn't want me back, I'll stay out of his life and love him from afar. If he's dead, I'll cherish his memory. If he just wants to be friends, I'll take that. If I have a relationship with someone else, it will just be an accomodation as far as I'm concerned. My biggest mistakes in life were when I decided to do something and then let someone else talk me into doing something else instead. It's happened time and time again. No more letting go, no more moving on, no more believing I could be truly happy with someone else. No room for negotiation on this -- ever again. Jenna

Enough years??? It's been over 30 already! We do have a sort of spiritual/telepathic connection between us. With some effort, I could strengthen the connection. He does have some affection for me; how much is hard to tell. Although when I last saw him, it obviously wasn't enough that he wanted to get back together again. Perhaps he's changed his mind by now, but I've gotten so good at running away that I'm sure he could not trace me. Either way, I want what he wants: if he wants me to stay out of his life, I will; if he wants me to come to him, I will. I now know what to call what happened on April 3, 2013. It was a romantic/sexual visitation dream, although it just continued on after it woke me up, so I guess I should call it a romantic/sexual lucid visitation dream. I haven't been sleeping well, I'm not eating right, and I've been generally neglectful of my health. And if that wasn't enough, my landlord sold my apartment out from under me and I'm now staying in a "temporary" accomodation, adding to my stress. Like I said, I'm seeing someone else, but I'm really not interested. When you find THE ONE there is just no substitute -- even if he never wants me again I'll always want him, as sure as water's wet. Attempting to move on was a big mistake. This relationship with all its problems was better than any other I've had simply because Ben was in it. I was a damaged individual, incapable of giving him what he needed, and now I'm paying the price. I've made progress; if I were to meet him for the first time today, all other things being equal, I'm sure it would be different. Jenna

Hi, KayC. Yes, I did "seek professional help", but it didn't work, just like all the other professional helps I tried over the years. There are times when my attention is NOT on him, but always, "this too shall pass". I AM seeing someone new, but it's not making much difference. Wherever he is, I want to follow him. Jenna

It's been half a year since I've posted to this forum, and thought I'd give y'all an update. Nothing's really changed. I would not have attention on him for a while, then all of a sudden be missing him all over again. Perhaps in the next lifetime we will meet again -- and be of compatible age and in the same general area. Jenna

It's been a long time since I've posted to this forum. I don't have much attention on Ben any more. My life was going so bad in other ways that I believe I was reaching out for happiness however I could, even if that was a long shot from many years past. I'm sure he's gotten his needs met from someone else (or perhaps multiple someone elses) along the way and he really has no need for me. (I told my therapist that and she was glad to hear it.) But I'll never forget him and I doubt he'll ever totally forget me. Although if by some miracle we WERE to get back together, it probably wouldn't be as good as it was. And if it was as good as it was, it still wouldn't be as good as I would LIKE it to be in my fantasy world. All my life I've had to deal with being unwanted. But I'll muddle along as best I can. Jenna

Well, I went out with Stan. He finally writes me just two days before the event. Here I am oh so eager for him to write me, and he's so casual about it. Oh well, what did I expect? Anyway, we go to this lecture and demonstration of Japanese art techniques. Very stimulating. I arrive first, and I got myself a drink, but otherwise he paid for the drinks and snacks. A perfect gentleman! (I just bought a car, and am still getting used to it and to navigating the local streets. I consider I needed the drink, but I only allowed myself one. I didn't want to get a DUI.) I finally realized something. I have difficulty stating my needs. A puritanical (Catholic) upbringing is part of that. That's what made Ben so perfect -- I never had to tell him what I wanted, he just knew. Or to be more accurate, he knew what he wanted to do to me, which happened to be exactly what I wanted done. (I was not so good at meeting his needs, so I make it a point to keep asking Stan what would he like. But he quickly made it clear that he was choosing to focus on me this time.) Stan and I are well-matched. It's been a long time since I had this much fun on a date -- too long! Jenna

I just got finished reading the Fifty Shades trilogy. Quite an adventure, I must say! Anyway, what I got from the story line that even when two well-matched people have a relationship, it is often difficult to keep it going. There will always be challenges, and even if things are working out well, the competition just doesn't leave you alone. Perhaps if Ben and I never broke up, our relationship would have had a firm foundation that would have made it possible for us to continue on together. But as it is, even if things were to new work out as well as they possibly could at this time, we would be lacking that firm foundation. So I could win in the short term (as unlikely as ever) and still lose in the long term. Then again, we could always meet in the next lifetime! The "statute of limitations" would definitely be up by then. On another matter, I'm meeting Stan tomorrow. We are not well-matched, and I don't really have any feelings for him, but at least we have some similar interests. I'll let you know how it goes. Jenna

PART SEVEN I've looked into hiring a private detective to find him. My niece knows someone who does this sort of thing. After not seeing him for 25 years, a lot can change, and maybe we'll get back together on some level, if only just friends. After all, he did reach out to me several times after the breakup. So perhaps there is some spark there that can be kindled. It could be he's looking for me too. My only chance is if he wants me too -- if not, the story's finished. I estimate that there's only a 20% chance of our getting back into a relationship again, although people may consider that optimistic. However, he is my soulmate, and that fact can conquer all. But if he still wants me to stay out of his life, I will, but like I said, a lot can change in 25 years. One contact in 25 years can hardly be construed as harassment. But I'm not sure if I want to go ahead with this. I don't know why I'm hesitating. Something happened last week. I was getting off a streetcar and I saw a man that looked a lot like him (allowing for aging). Seeing as how we were a long way away from where we had both lived, I doubt it was him, especially since it's easy to project onto such a man the image of whom I want him to look like. I was getting off at the same stop, and stood next to him to see if he would notice me. But he didn't. In retrospect, I should have called out his name to see if he would turn around, however, it all happened so quickly that I was unprepared. My entire life has been way too wierd. I've decided in my next life I want to be ordinary. Perhaps we will meet each other again then? I'd like to think I'd get it right next time. I've entered into therapy again. We must be making progress, because every week we talk about a different topic. My last session was just today, and we discussed how I have difficulty letting others know what my needs are. (That was the great thing about Ben. He just knew.) I was only able to hint to my therapist what I was looking for. No plain vanilla for me! Part of this has to do with the fact that I've hung out among some pretty prudish people at times. Also, it's been hot here, and they're expecting even warmer weather tomorrow! The above is the last "official" installment of my story, although I may add some more from time to time. Jenna

That's a good idea. I could write two letters; a "bad" one and a "good" one. I was sorting through old newspaper clippings when I came across this letter to Dear Abby: "My husband of 20 years, 'Rocky,' has moved out of our home and into the apartment of his first love from 25 years ago. I think it's possible that he is going through a mid-life crisis. Rocky is 43. I don't like the life he led all those years ago, and I'm afraid he is headed back in the same direction. He has changed, but she has not. Rocky refuses to talk to me and hasn't spoken to the kids since he left. He says he is scared of what they will say to him and of how they must feel toward him. I am so hurt. I love my husband so much. Do men who go through changes like this usually return to the families they left behind? Please help me." I don't want to get into get into debating the ethics of the situation, but she gets no sympathy from me. I should be so lucky. Besides, if Thomas left me to be with his GF, then fate owes me one. Why should I always be on the losing end? BTW, I went back to the area I last knew him to be living in -- twice -- and checked the county marriage records. There was no mention of his name. Jenna

PART SIX I believe in reincarnation. Furthermore, I believe that two lifetimes ago, Ben and I were married, rich, and deliriously happy. But, tragically, I died in childbirth. I've started into therapy (again!) I told her my story, and she said the reason I'm bereft and heartbroken is because I choose to be bereft and heartbroken. Have you ever heard such nonsense? I said so, and she realized there was no way I was ever going to be able to stop wanting him. So she told me to follow my heart (whatever that means). Although in a later session, she clarified what she meant. What she meant was that if I choose to not be heartbroken then I will take the steps necessary to resolve the situation. Now that makes sense. One goal of therapy is, even if I don't find him, to be able to get on with my life. I still have my crashes, and they keep me from getting the things I need to do done. I have goals (other than being with Ben) but sometimes find it difficult to pursue them due to my crashes. I've adjusted my "medication". I believe in taking lots of vitamins, and I had been taking was 250 mg of niacin and 1 g of vitamin C each day. I've stopped taking those and it seemed to help me be not so weepy. My viewpoint is that sometimes love is so strong and powerful that it just won't go away. Or maybe it will, but only after many years and a million tears. I did some research on how long people think it takes to get over someone, and I've seen estimates of from 1 to 7000 years (remember, I said I believe in reincarnation). But in my own case, I'm going with an estimate of 200 to 300 years. Unless reunification happens, of course, in which case the hurt will go away in about 2 seconds. I wrote him a letter. Having read Don Ho's Reconciliation List here on this forum, there is no way I will ever give him this letter now. But here it is for you all to read: Dear, Dear Ben, As I write this letter I don't know where you are or if you're still alive. It was 30 years ago that you broke it off with me, but I am still very much in love with you. When we slept together you made me feel so safe, so protected, so cared for. The perfect scene from my point of view. I don't blame you for bailing out of our relationship; I was self-centered, at the time incapable of seeing needs past the end of my nose. From Asperger's Syndrome to genetic defects to having suffered various forms of child abuse, I was a damaged individual, both physically and mentally, incapable of giving a fine man such as yourself what he needs and deserves. When you ended it I took it very hard. I cried myself to sleep for a solid week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I considered ending it all; to this day no one knows how close I really came. I went up to Rick and Eleanor's (where we first met) to get them to talk me out of it. So I did what any girl would do in that situation: I threw myself into relationship after relationship and moved farther and farther away, hoping to forget. Even Thomas was only a substitute, and a poor one at that. (He and I are no longer together.) Instead of forgetting you I only managed to put myself into denial. I developed a host of complaints, from amotivational syndrome to cyclic "crashes" where I would be incapable of doing even the simplest things. That all changed on the night of April 3, 2013. I was in bed when I had the definite impression you had come to me in spirit form and started caressing me. It was very pleasant, but to this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some kind of astral walking on your part, or just simply my imagination, the result of pent-up unfulfilled needs. But at that point I knew -- my attempts to forget you and move on had failed, and that I would never find anyone whom I'd rather be with than you. Do you remember Yvonne Elliman's song, If I Can't Have You? That describes me exactly. "Elliman's Syndrome", severe, chronic, and completely incurable. I may from time to time find someone I can have a few laughs with, but I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life. My heart will always belong to you. If by some miracle I should find you again, and you still want me to stay out of your life, I will -- because in spite of all of the above, your needs are important to me. I had briefly considered stalking you after the breakup, just to be near you, but that would have been wrong. And I didn't want to be given a restraining order (not the good kind). I do predict that someday we'll be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime. I wonder if you think of me from time to time. In any case, I want you to be happy. With everlasting love, Jenna The final part of the story will talk about the present and the near future.

It's like saying a 20% chance of rain. It's just a guess, the number itself means nothing, and no matter what happens, you're right. I'm willing to go with whatever works. I keep saying I want to look for him, but I'm afraid of what I'll find. Part of me wants to forget about him and not bother -- my feelings on this matter change faster than the Federal Open Market Committee. I had a friend look for him on Facebook and a few other places, but he's not to be found. I myself had made myself very difficult to trace (for other reasons). The date with Stan hasn't happened yet. Jenna

It would be great if I no longer desired him, but I do. I can't help it. He made me happier than anyone else I've ever known, including Thomas, Lenny, and Fred combined. And I do estimate the chances of "a happily ever after" at only 20%. Because of what happened on April 3, 2013, I think there may still be a chance. Stan hasn't called me. (Sound familiar, anyone?) But I'm trying to play this one by "the rules". If Stan and I do form a relationship I'm going to consider it temporary. (It might be temporary for the rest of my life, but whatever.) Jenna

I know I have changed, for the better, I hope. (Years of therapy have made a difference.) Funny, but my feelings of hurt seem to have gone away. I tend to ricochet between acute heartbreak and total indifference. I'll speculate on that another time. And here, without further ado, is PART FIVE I am transgendered. I was born male, and some years before meeting Ben, I had an operation to become female (although of course I've always been female "between the ears"). I told Ben about it, and his reaction surprised me -- he kissed me. It was not an issue for him, but my operation was not completely successful -- it left me unable to engage in sex, and I went from doctor to doctor on three different continents trying to get it fixed. This is the main reason why Ben suddenly left me. A big part of the problem is that I had no symptoms -- until I was ready to have sex, then I would close up. And the more I wanted it, the tighter I would become. I felt like the Greek mythological figure Tantalus, who was made to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree with low branches, with the fruit ever eluding his grasp, and the water always receding before he could take a drink. It was a difficult problem to diagnose, because I had no symptoms when I was in the doctor's office. Finally I got a doctor who could fix it, but at a terrible price -- the loss of nearly all of my sexual feeling. But at least if Ben were to come back into my life, I could now take care of his needs. I've never been as candid on this issue as I am with you here now. It feels good to let it all out, at long last. (The fact that I am unlikely to meet any of you in real life has a lot to do with that. And all names have been changed, of course.) Being transgendered is no big deal today. It's practically a badge of honor for someone to be so courageous as to become who they really are. If someone objects to a tranny girl entering a beauty contest or a tranny boy in dancing contests on national television, it's the objector everyone jumps on rather than the transgendered person. And I've lost count of all the lawsuits about which bathroom a tranny kid gets to use. But I remember when it was the exact opposite. Being transgendered was considered to be something shameful, something to be hushed up. When I first told my parents about it, nearly 40 years ago, they went nuclear. My next major post will move into the metaphysical realm.

In a strange way that might actually be the best thing for me. I want to emphasize I did move on, but if thoughts of him come back to me after all this time, then I only thought I had moved on. Anyway, I got dressed up and went out. I met this guy Stan, who asked me to a party. (When I got up to leave, he got up to leave at the same time. What does that signify?) We have some of the same interests and seem to be compatible. He would never be equal to Ben, but at least I could get some of my needs satisfied. It's amazing how such a very minor success in my social life can cut through my depression. If nothing else, it's given me some hope (and hope can sustain you long after every other reason is gone). I had a thought -- my life might actually turn out to be somewhat normal -- and that's the scariest thought of all. Jenna

I knew how he felt back then, but I don't know how he feels now, decades later. I know I'm being foolish just to say that. Between Ben, Lenny, and Fred, it seems my social life is cursed. I had a thought: even if Ben is the best I could ever find, someone else would actually be better for me if he were in my life and not just a forlorn wish. But I'll let you know how my "going out" goes. Jenna

PART FOUR Now we are getting into modern times. My father died, although I didn't grieve for him at all, because he was so mean to me. Now my entire family I grew up with was gone. I was still searching for "true love", but unbeknownst to me all along, I was subconciously rejecting everyone because they weren't Ben. Of all the ping-pong relationships I had, only two came close to satisfying me the way Ben did. Lenny treated me well, and he even LOOKED a bit like Ben -- which I think was part of the attraction. But he died suddenly after our third date. I dated Fred twice. Then dumped me to go back to his old GF -- I was probably just a temporary substitute while he was waiting for her to come back from the mental hospital. I suspect part of the problem was that I wouldn't have sex with him (although we only dated twice -- can you blame me?) Then in April everything changed. I was in bed at night, and I had the distinct sensation that Ben was there in the room with me, in spirit form, caressing me. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! To this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some sort of astral walking on his part, or just my imagination. But at this point I knew -- after thirty years of our relationship being over, I still desired him greatly. So much so, that I felt that no one else would ever do, and that I should be celibate until he comes back to me (which of course is not likely to happen). Now I knew the REAL reason for my crashes. Everything would be going along more or less normally (but not really great) until I would start missing Ben again. Then I would crash, be disinterested in taking my vitamins, start eating junk food, and overdosing on sugar, until I became foggy brained enough to be repress the hurt. But before my revelation, I would go into an unmotivated, apathetic state without a clue as to what was happening to me and why. Now I just break down and cry. The old hurt from just after the breakup has come back, and as crazy as it sounds, I consider this better than my old "mystery" crashes. He is my soulmate. He is the standard by which all other relationships are judged, and they come up wanting. If after thirty years I still feel the same way about him, then this is more than just a garden-variety breakup. This is why I'm posting this on a forum that is mostly about bereavement. We were only together a year, but it feels more like a beloved lifelong partner passing. Moving on seems impossible; if love is still that strong after all that time, after doing all the right things to try to build a life with someone else, he must really be my soulmate. In the next part of the story, I'll reveal one of my deepest, darkest secrets, along with details I have only previously hinted at.

Thank you, Pollara, for your kind words. I suppose my feelings for Ben are amplified by the fact that I cannot have him. There are other possibilities out there but deep down inside I want him so much that I'm afraid going with anyone else will just take me farther away from him. He wasn't my first love, but like you said, he was the first really big love of my life. I have to disagree with you on one point; there were plenty of things I did wrong. He pointed out that I wasn't taking care of his needs like he was taking care of mine and I immediately knew it was true. Like I said, I have Aspergers Syndrome and that makes it impossible for me to "just know" what someone wants -- they have to make it a direct request, which most people won't do. There were several opportunities to reconnect with him shortly after the breakup, but I blew it all over again. Perhaps today, now that I have resolved some of my problems there could perhaps be a chance for it all to work. But it's probably too late. And like you said, maybe I'm throwing away present day opportunities for the sake of chasing after someone who, even if I did find him again, might not be what I'm really looking for anyway. In any case, I'm planning to go out tomorrow. Perhaps I'll meet someone there, or at least socialize enough to make my life feel not so empty. Jenna

Past tense, please. I do now realize that was a mistake. I don't choose to think about him so often. Try this: don't think of an elephant. Ah ha, couldn't do it, could you? I did busy myself with other activities and people; I thought my story made that very clear. They did what they could and the situation seemed to be a bit relieved. But it always came back. No, unless you include that i'm obsessing over him. But that's not affecting the problem; that is the problem, isn't it? Jenna

A quick "between the numbers" post ... . Ben could fulfill my needs better than anyone else could. It would take many encounters with a Lenny or a Fred (I'll say more about them later) to equal a Ben -- but why not? If I could fill up my needs with quantity, as opposed to quality, I might get some relief. Even if I have to pay for it. Unfortunately, people like Ben are not easy to come by. Let's just say I have eccentric tastes. Jenna

But I have been trying to get over him. That's what this thread is all about. Can you point out one specific action I should do that I haven't done? If it were as easy as find someone new, this all would have been over a long time ago. I even got married. But try as I might, I still can't forget Ben. Jenna

PART THREE Ben and Sandy moved in together, as did Thomas and I. I suppose Ben and Sandy got along well, as they seemed to be happy went I saw them, but for me and Thomas things got worse and worse. I cajoled him into marrying me, but like I said, I really didn't love him. It was Ben I really wanted, and I didn't try too hard to hide that from Thomas. I was also ambitious, wanting to work hard and get rich, while Thomas wanted to be more laid back and and just enjoy life as it came. He too, had ideas on what we should do when we got romantic, but they didn't match mine at all! There were signs our marriage was in trouble, but I ignored them until he asked me for permission to sleep over at his GF's. Of course I said no, and then he asks me for a divorce! He had been in love with me, but that was over. I didn't really want him, but I didn't want to be rejected and lonely again. So I was put in the position of trying to hold on to something I didn't want anyway. But it was too late. We divorced after 7 years together. So not only had I been dumped by two lovers, I never really felt my mom wanted me. My dad sometimes showed me affection, but these were more than offset by the times he beat me for misbehavior real or imagined. At this point, I entered what I call "the ping-pong years", bouncing from one short-term relationship to another. Anyone who gave me a second glance I fell for, and these were mostly people who were bad for me. I gave more careful consideration to the used cars I bought than I did to people who were going to be in my life. Needless to say, these years were disasterous. And everyone I let into my life during this time had the same one thing in common -- I didn't really want them because they weren't Ben! I didn't even care that much about losing my ex-husband Thomas. After getting past the idea that I was rejected (again!) it just wasn't that important to me. However, whenever I saw the names Ben and Jenna together, like on this one particular TV show I used to watch, I would become elated. It would always make me fantasize of the possibility that perhaps he and I could get together again. A nice thought, but of course it never actually happened. (Please, no "Ben & Jenna's ice cream" jokes.) My mother and my two brothers died during this time. I was saddened by the loss, but only a bit. Not to downplay the feelings of others who have posted on these forums, but I didn't feel bereaved at all. Also, I kept on moving, farther and farther away, from where Ben was, trying to forget. Did I succeed? I thought so, but all I did was put myself into denial. I soon developed this pattern of having "crashes", where I would feel all right for a while, then suddenly become depressed, apathetic, and totally unmotivated in living. Sooner or later the crash would end, and life would go back to more or less normal, only to have it all happen all over again (and again and again). I would tell people, there's nothing really wrong with my life, but there's nothing really right with it, either. I had YEARS of therapy of different sorts trying to figure out why I was crashing. Later on I would discover that the root cause was the "lack of Ben" in my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll tell the rest of that tale in the next part. My next major post is where things start getting a bit spooky.

Helena, I'm trying to say something witty and helpful but I can't think of a thing. So I'll just say the best of luck to you, and however the story turns out, I hope it turns out good for you. Jenna

Hi, kayc, I've read a number of books on Aspergers, but there really is no cure for it. And many people think it only affects boys not men or girls or women so there's not much help for me out there. (I've found one "exercise" that helps a bit but it doesn't last.) (For anyone not familiar with Aspergers think of Spock and Barclay and Data and Sheldon and Leonard and Howard and Bernadette and Gunther and Amy but not Penny all put together.) I've tried filling my life with other people and activities, but it hasn't helped much. For years I haven't had any attention on him, but he was still there, lurking in my subconscious. More details to come soon. Jenna

PART TWO During my year of not working, I signed up for a group therapy session called Letting Go And Moving On. I went there a bit reluctantly, because I didn't want to let go and move on -- I wanted to go back and be with him again. But they weren't offering any groups on that. At least I was doing what I was supposed to do -- trying to build a good life for myself even if was going to be a life without him. I moved to another city, because being in the same area as him, and moving in the same social circles, just meant I would keep running into him over and over again. The usual advice is to break off all contact, which I did, even though I really didn't want to. I involved myself with the activities of my new community, again, like I was supposed to according to "what you should do" to get over someone. I even found a social group similar to the one I left behind. So I then went to one particular meeting, and I'm sitting in my chair waiting for the program to start, when all of a sudden who walks in but Ben! We see each other, and he walks up right up behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders. Glorious! Not the fact of the shoulder massage, but the fact that someone was paying attention to me, and in particular, the fact that that someone was him! For a brief moment I felt utterly fantastic, like I did during that one wonderful year. But I blew it all over again. He called me up a few times, but I said all the wrong things. At one point I told him I had to move from one apartment to another, right across the street, and he offered to help me. Stupidly, I told him I could handle it myself, utterly missing the fact that he was wanting to be with me, for at least a short time, and that I could be with him, which is far more important, in retrospect, then his actually helping me move. After I was in that city for some months, I decide to move back. I started going to parties again, but I started to get frantic seeing him there but not being able to reach out to him the way I want to. Worse yet, by this time he's found someone else! I start to freak out on the inside, and am getting worried I'll have a "meltdown" and freak out in front of everyone. But a ray of hope showed up -- I met Thomas, who won me over with the world's worst pickup line -- "Hi, I've got the hots for you". As close as I was to a nervous breakdown, I accepted him into my life, because I needed some affection help fill the void. A Red Cross parcel of food in the midst of a famine! And again, because moving on was "the right thing to do". But I didn't really love him. At this point, my life started to resemble the book Gone With The Wind, with Ben (Ashley), me (Scarlett), Thomas (Rhett), and Ben's new GF Sandy (Melanie). The next part will describe how things got steadily worse over the years.

Hi Marty, I hear what you're saying, but I'm tired of people complaining about shoulds. There are good shoulds too, like I should brush my teeth, I should keep my apartment picked up, I should eat healthier, and so on. I had this one counselor who used to jump on me every time I used the word should. Finally, I stopped seeing her. I wrote her a letter detailing why, and my #1 complaint was her criticizing my use of the word should. Jenna